Welcome to the Horizon
Season 2, Part 2: The People in Your Neighborhood.
it’s late at night at Trinkett’s shop. Trinkett wakes up with a start.
Trinkett:
Whoa...
Trinkett walks over to the phone and dials.
Frank:
(On the phone.) Of course you’re calling me.
Trinkett:
Hey. Someone’s here, right? Who’s here?
Frank:
His name’s Leif. He just showed up all of a sudden. He was unconscious in the parking lot, we brought him inside, then Eldin tells me to go get Verge.
Trinkett:
Right... right, okay.
Frank:
What? Is this bad?
Trinkett:
No, no I don’t think so it’s just... big.
Frank:
Big.
Trinkett:
Yeah.
Frank:
What kind of big are we talking about here, Trinkett? Armoire big? Parade float big?
Trinkett:
We’re fine, just come see me in the morning, okay? I need to listen for a while.
Frank:
Yeah, sure.
Trinkett hangs up.
Trinkett:
What are you telling me?
After a moment, Trinkett walks outside. Across the street we can hear that the party still has not stopped at the sheep’s eye. DOug steps outside the shop and go.
Doug:
Hey, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Hey Doug. Party’s still going, huh?
Doug:
Yeah, they’re really loving it here.
Trinkett:
I guess the plan worked.
Doug:
I guess so. I hope we can keep up the facade.
Trinkett:
We’ll be alright for now.
Doug:
... I can’t believe I’m looking at a bunch of aliens right now.
Trinkett:
I know.
Doug:
I thought it was weird when it was medieval Bavarians, but this...
Trinkett:
Yeah... They’re just people... Do you still keep your bike in the back?
Doug:
My bike? Yeah, for errands.
Trinkett:
Mind if I borrow it tomorrow?
Doug:
No, go ahead. What’s wrong with yours?
Trinkett:
Nothing.
Doug:
Okay.
Trinkett:
Hey, Eldin?
Eldin:
(In Doug’s phone.) Hello, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
How’s it going over there?
Eldin:
It’s... confounding.
Trinkett:
Everything’s going to be fine.
Eldin:
Thank you for those comforting words, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
Let me know if you guys need anything.
Eldin:
Of course.
Doug:
What’s going on?
Trinkett:
There’s somebody new in town.
Doug:
That... sounds ominous.
Trinkett:
No, I think it’ll be interesting. Can you leave your bike in the morning? I’ll have Frank pick it up.
Doug:
Sure.
Trinkett:
Thanks... Hey, Doug?
Doug:
Yeah?
Trinkett:
You can come talk to me any time okay?
Doug:
I know.
Trinkett:
I mean about your new garden. You can talk to me anytime.
Doug:
... Okay.
Trinkett:
Whenever you’re ready.
Doug:
... Okay... thanks.
We hear the striking of a match and we are now outside the horizon. Verge is smoking. June emerges from the office to join them.
June:
Hey, Space Friend.
Verge:
Hey.
June:
How’s it going in there?
Verge:
It’s very frustrating.
June:
Uh oh. How so?
Verge:
He finally stopped puking his guts out and I was starting to get a sense of what the fuck was happening but then I told him where he was and he started to freak out.
June:
Why?
Verge:
This isn't a safe place for anybody, but for him it's much worse. Around here he's wanted by the bad guys and the worse guys. I told him we were on Rax Prime, and he started having a full-blown anxiety attack. He’s been going at it with Eldin, I don’t even know what their talking about anymore.
June:
How the hell did he get here?
Verge:
He doesn’t remember, are you sure you didn't hear anyone drop him off?
June:
No, but I could have missed it.
Verge:
This is the fucking worst.
June:
How do you know him?
Verge:
...
June:
Oh reeeeeeally.
Verge:
It was a long time ago.
June:
Tell me everything while you give me one of your cigarettes.
Verge:
I really don’t want to talk about it.
June:
But that’s a problem because I want you to talk about it.
Verge:
We ran a little crime ring together. It was just him and me and it was...
June:
It was so hot, right?
Verge:
It was a long time ago.
June:
This is comforting, actually.
Verge:
Why?
June:
I mean, you’re good now, things with Deidre are good and then your ex shows up. That’s classic. It’s nice that it happens even in space.
Verge:
It’s not nice at all.
June:
Don’t worry about it.
Verge:
I’m not worried about it.
June:
Schnuckums, you’re standing in a pile of cigarette butts right now. You’re worried about it.
Verge:
I just had to leave Deidre’s house in the middle of the night because my ex showed up. How would you feel?
June:
Deidre’s going to be fine.
Deidre’s truck starts coming up the driveway.
Verge:
Fuck.
June:
What? Oh hey, speak of the devil.
Verge:
I knew she was going to show up and try to help. What do I tell her?
June:
Tell her whatever. Tell her the truth. Stop freaking out, you’re making me freak out.
Verge:
If he fucks up my life, I swear to god.
Deidre:
Hey.
June:
Hey, Deidre.
Deidre:
I brought everyone some coffee and some food.
June:
Amazing.
Deidre:
How’s everything going in there?
Verge:
I still have no idea what he’s doing here and neither does he.
Deidre:
He doesn’t know why he’s here?
Verge:
He woke up in the parking lot, Eldin says it’s Gate Shock.
Deidre:
What’s gate shock?
Verge:
You know how everyone feels like shit after we travel?
Deidre:
Yeah.
Verge:
It’s like that. In really extreme cases you can have memory loss. But he never had gate shock in the past.
June:
You know what, I’m going to go in and say hi.
Verge:
June, you’d better not.
June:
Come on, we’re old friends. We can reminisce about the time there was a thousand copies of my uncle in the parking lot.
Deidre:
What?
Verge:
What are you talking about?
June:
Oh well, look who knows something that you don’t. Thanks for the coffee, Deidre.
Deidre:
Sure.
June walks into verge’s room.
Deidre:
How are you doing?
Verge:
I’m so sorry about this.
Deidre:
It’s fine.
Verge:
I really fucking hate that he’s here.
Deidre:
It’s really fine. Are you okay?
Verge:
No, I’m not okay. We’re on Rax fucking Prime. That’s bad enough, then he shows up?
Deidre:
I know.
Verge:
I... trouble follows him. It always has. And I don’t want trouble, I want to hide out here with you until we move on somewhere else. I don’t want whatever bullshit he’s bringing with him.
Deidre:
Verge. Why are you here?
Verge:
I’m here because Frank came and got me.
Deidre:
No. Here. In Hood’s Pocket?
Verge:
...
Deidre:
It was a message from him, right?
Verge:
... Yes.
Deidre:
Well, don’t forget to thank him for me.
Verge:
... I’m so terrified that he’s going to fuck this up.
Deidre:
Nothing can fuck this up.
Verge:
Nothing?
Deidre:
Nothing. You and I are unfuckupable.
Verge:
Are we?
Deidre:
Yes... Mainly because of how much you are into me. Look at how into me you are.
Verge:
I really am.
Deidre:
It’s kind of embarrassing for you, how into me you are. You’re a total wreck over me.
Verge:
I know you’re kidding right now, but I am a wreck and it is embarrassing.
Deidre:
Here, I made you bacon and eggs. And I made some toast for him, since he’s probably out of things to throw up.
Verge:
Okay.
Deidre:
Oh, by the way, Trinkett has got her antennae out.
Verge:
Great.
Deidre:
She’s having weird feelings about him being here. She thinks something’s going on.
Verge:
She always thinks something’s going on.
Deidre:
Something always is going on.
Verge:
Maybe she can open up a portal to hell and trap him there.
Deidre:
Verge, I’m sorry for you that he’s here, but honestly, maybe he needs help. Maybe he’s in trouble.
Verge:
... Fine.
Deidre:
I’m going to go get some sleep, somebody should.
Verge:
Thank you, Sweetie.
Deidre:
Get in there. I’ll see you at the Sheep’s Eye.
Verge:
Okay.
Verge walks into their room.
Leif:
No, this is what I’ve been trying to tell you. This isn’t my arm.
Eldin:
I know it’s not your arm, Leif.
Leif:
No, I mean I had a Daveyboy installed. When I woke up here it was replaced with whatever this is.
Eldin:
A technology that neither of us can identify.
Leif:
It doesn’t even feel like a cybernetic. It feels like my arm.
Eldin:
So, you’re currently missing an indeterminate amount of time in your memory. And in that time the cybernetics you had installed were replaced by... whatever all this is.
Leif:
Yes, and it’s freaking me out.
Eldin:
But we agree it’s some kind of technology.
Leif:
Yes.
Eldin:
Some kind of unknown technology. You’re also saying that the diner that initially brought you here is some kind of unknown technology.
Leif:
That seems to be the theory, yes.
Eldin:
The theory that was put forth by another version of you that works at a movie theater?
Leif:
Yes.
Eldin:
Leif, this sounds so fucking stupid.
June:
Not any stupider than a phone box.
Eldin:
You really don’t need to be here right now, June.
June:
You don’t know. I could contribute things.
Eldin:
Like what?
June:
Color commentary, Eldin.
Eldin:
I prefer my commentary colorless, thank you very much.
Verge:
Where are we?
Eldin:
We’re trying to have a constructive conversation but everything he says can be explained by gate shock.
Leif:
A little ridiculous to be skeptical when you’re sitting here on a... seriously the whole fucking mountain?
Eldin:
The whole fucking mountain.
Leif:
And it moves how often?
Eldin:
Approximately every six months thus far.
Leif:
Six months?!
Eldin:
Yes.
Leif:
That sucks, Eldin.
Eldin:
Please fill out a comment card.
June:
I have a theory about that.
Eldin:
June.
June:
Same length as ski season, is all I’m saying.
Leif:
How long do you travel for?
Eldin:
Approximately twelve hours.
Leif:
That’s the same as us, but you stay put for six goddamn months?
Eldin:
Yes.
Leif:
That’s really terrible. I think I’m going to be sick again.
June:
Have you tried drinking a glass of water backwards, I hear that helps.
Eldin:
That’s for hiccups and also doesn’t work.
June:
Says you.
Verge:
Is there any way we can do something constructive with this conversation? I’ve been listening to you two yell at each other for too long.
June:
I have a thing.
Verge:
What?
June:
Is there any way we can go all the way back to the beginning? I’m missing huge parts of the story.
Leif:
Like I said, I woke up in the parking lot and don’t remember how I-
June:
Yeah, actually, can we go back further? I want to go full origin story? Let’s go to the very beginning.
Verge:
Please, no.
Eldin:
We don’t need to do that, June.
June:
Hang on, though. There’s stuff he doesn’t remember, right?
Leif:
Yes.
June:
Okay. Doesn’t it help to jog your memory if you retrace your steps?
Eldin:
... It can.
June:
Let’s go all the way back then. Come on, tell a story for the kids.
Eldin:
I’m afraid June isn’t wrong. It may help revitalize your memory.
Verge:
Fucking great.
Eldin:
Leif, go back to the very beginning.
Leif:
Jesus... okay... I was a kid in Humboldt County. I was a prodigy. I would’ve graduated high school early but I never really went to class. I liked making things, since I was a little kid. My parents hated it. They were farmers and anti-technology... Anyway there was a soap-box derby in Eureka one year, and out of boredom I entered. I won the soap box derby, and it got the attention of the local news, and then it went national, and then all of a sudden there was a recruiter from Berkley at the house offering me a full scholarship.
June:
How did a soap box car get you a full scholarship?
Verge:
Because it could fly.
June:
Shut up, really?
Leif:
Yeah, it was pretty sweet actually. The street was sloped just right and there was a constant upwind, so if you keep the frame minimalist-
Verge:
Don’t do the fucking tangent thing, I swear to god.
Leif:
Sorry. So I went from Berkley to projects in the public and private sector, and then I wound up deep down in an abandoned gold mine, working on the search for dark matter.
June:
Okay. How’d it go?
Leif:
I found it.
June:
Cool. What is it?
Leif:
What? Dark matter?
June:
Yeah.
Eldin:
You claim to be a science fiction enthusiast and you don’t know what dark matter is?
June:
Yes, Eldin, because it’s science fiction, not science-the-other-thing.
Eldin:
Fact?
Leif:
The majority of matter in the universe is invisible. Undetectable. That’s dark matter.
June:
Okay, but you found it?
Leif:
Yes.
June:
Cool. Keep going.
Leif:
Okay. After the discovery, at the top of the mine, they were waiting for us. The Teds.
June:
Oh, okay, I’ve heard this name before. Teds are bad right? We hate the Teds?
Leif:
The Teds are bad. Real evil empire stuff.
June:
Okay, are we talking Dune evil empire, or The Dispossessed evil empire?
Leif:
Uh, I’m going to say Hyperion Cantos evil empire, I guess.
June:
Okay, got it. Finally someone who speaks English around here. So there they are at the top of the mine.
Leif:
Yeah. They want to keep Earth away from global paradigm shifts, so they offer us a buyout.
June:
So they wrote you a space check or something?
Leif:
I told them to give me a one way ticket to space.
June:
Ooh. I feel that so hard, Leif.
Leif:
And that’s when I left Earth. I got a ship, I fucked around for a while, and then I found myself in a life of crime.
June:
How did you find yourself there?
Leif:
I uh... I met someone who needed a ship, and uh... so it started there.
June:
... Uh huh. (Whispering.) Is he talking about you?
Verge:
Yes, June.
June:
Okay. Little awkward, but we can get through it. So you two... right?
Verge:
Yes.
Leif:
We can skip over this part.
Verge:
That’s fine with me.
June:
Okay, I’m just saying, what if this is the key to everything and we’re skipping over it?
Verge:
It’s not the key to everything.
Eldin:
This isn’t a gossip session, June.
Leif:
I fucked it up... That’s what happened... It was good and I fucked it up... Okay?... I joined a larger criminal organization, and in the process made Verge even more of a fugitive than they already were... I started working for the most notorious crime boss in the Triad, and I made them much stronger over the years... A lot of years... And then one day I just... couldn’t take it anymore... I went on the run from The Ted Empire and the criminal underworld, and I went into hiding.
Verge:
Where did you go?
Leif:
Quilandis.
Verge:
Quilandis, shit Leif, for how long?
Leif:
A few years, I think.
Verge:
Years?
June:
What’s Quilandis?
Verge:
It’s the last place anyone wants to be.
June:
Somebody give me a sci-fi reference.
Leif:
LV-426.
June:
Ouch. But then you left.
Leif:
When you’re in hiding like that, you start to get antsy after a while. You start to feel like it’s time to move. So I left and I stuck to the fringes- pretended to be a cook on an ice hauler. Then one day, we’re stopped at a space station, I go into the food court, and there it is. Midnight Burger.
June:
Okay, here we go. So, Midnight Burger, the same place that showed up in our parking lot. You’re saying that that place is like this mountain? It’s always moving around from place to place?
Leif:
I thought the diner was unique. It’s not. We’ve encountered a lot of places like it since the last time you saw us.
Eldin:
Explain to me the necessity of some sort of artifact that randomly travels through time and space.
Leif:
Eldin, I have no fucking idea. Everybody’s got theories, but nobody knows. But... you’re missing a pretty important part.
Eldin:
What?
Leif:
We’re on Rax Prime right now. But we’re not. We’re on one Rax Prime of infinite Rax Primes.
Eldin:
... The Multiverse.
Leif:
Yeah.
Eldin:
You’ve confirmed the existence of the multiverse.
Leif:
I’ve been living in it for years.
Eldin:
Which is why you are encountering multiple versions of yourself.
Leif:
Yes.
June:
What kind of multiverse are we talking about? Pratchett? Pullman? Some other third one that I can’t remember?
Leif:
It’s the multiverse, so, all of them.
June:
This is getting so good.
Eldin:
Our first stop was in medieval Bavaria. But it wasn’t.
Leif:
No. At least not the medieval Bavaria from your universe.
Verge:
How do we get back?
Leif:
... You don’t.
Verge:
... How long have you been living like this?
Leif:
... I don’t know.
Eldin:
... Well this is a lot to take in, Leif.
Leif:
I know.
Eldin:
While we try and digest all that, why don’t we move on to how you got here.
Leif:
Okay... Believe it or not, it all starts with a guy named Krok the Propigator.
June:
I’m sorry what?
Leif:
Krok the Propigator.
June:
Is he a monster truck?
Leif:
No.
Verge:
Hang on.
Leif:
What?
Verge:
A guy from a long time ago, right?
Leif:
Yeah.
Verge:
Had a bunch of kids?
Leif:
... Yeah.
Verge:
I met his daughters.
Leif:
You did?
Eldin:
You did?
Verge:
I mean, allegedly. Kazi, Teta, and Libuza right?
Leif:
Holy shit.
Eldin:
When did this happen?
Verge:
It was right before I got you. Right before I got Leif’s message.
Leif:
Seriously?
Verge:
Eldin, the first time you logged onto my comms node. Play the message right before Leif’s message.
Libuza:
(From the Eldin) Hello Verge. So, yes of course I knew that you wouldn’t come with us. But it was important that we asked. It was important for you to ask yourself, I think. I wanted to leave you a quick message because... I charted your path a bit, nothing too complex and... I don’t quite know how to describe it... I’ll just say... there’s always a way out, Verge... We make the world...
Verge:
...
Leif:
...
June:
What’s happening, why is everyone quiet right now?
Verge:
Who goes first? Me or you?
Leif:
How about you go first... and then I’ll tell you how it all went horribly wrong.
Later that night in the parking lot. Everyone walks outside for a smoke break.
June:
Well... I have to say... that story fucking rules.
Eldin:
An entire galaxy of earthlings.
Leif:
A dwarf galaxy. But yeah.
Eldin:
This is a difficult story for one to believe right out of the gate, you understand that, Leif.
Leif:
Eldin, think about where you are right now. How exactly do you classify something as unbelievable?
Eldin:
I understand your point, but reason still needs to play a part in things, Leif.
Leif:
Wouldn’t that be nice.
June:
I can’t wait to tell Frank this story, can you imagine?
Verge:
That’s a good point, actually.
Eldin:
What is?
June:
(Frank impression.) “Oh, a space god with a galaxy full of earthlings. Uh huh. Okay. Sure... sure.. Why the fuck are you telling me this?”
Verge:
I’m going to go home and tell Deidre what we’ve been talking about this whole time. Do you think she’s going to want to keep it a secret?
June:
No she is not.
Eldin:
Her earnestness is a bit of an encumbrance right now.
Verge:
But we’ve got Frank wondering what’s going on. Trinkett is already sniffing around.
June:
Let’s just tell everyone what’s going on. Let’s have a town meeting.
Eldin:
We are not having another town meeting. You don’t even like town meetings.
June:
I’m not saying I would be there.
Eldin:
His story is wholly unbelievable. There’s no reason for us to start foisting it on everyone in town.
Verge:
Eldin, Leif is saying we’re never going to be able to go home again. Is that part of his story believable?
Eldin:
That... yes I believe it is. Based on what we’ve observed, based on archival knowledge we have on Midnight Burger, viewing it from a multiversal perspective makes our situation make much more sense.
Verge:
... People should know that, don’t you think? There may be a lot of people in town who are hoping our next stop is home. They probably deserve to know that it won’t be. Ever.
Eldin:
... But we’re agreed, no town meetings.
Verge:
Fuck no.
Eldin:
Alright. How would you like to break the news?
Verge:
I can think of one way.
We move to the next morning. We hear the intro music for Deidre’s morning show.
Deidre:
Well... this will be an interesting broadcast.
Verge:
I know it sounds crazy but we should probably rip off the band-aid.
Deidre:
Okay. If you say so.
Verge:
How are you doing?
Deidre:
Me?
Verge:
Look, Leif’s story sounds ridiculous, but the fact that we’re never going home again? Are you okay?
Deidre:
... I’m home.
Verge:
... Okay.
Deidre:
Come sit down with me, we’ll do this together... Hey there, Hood’s pocket... well... have we got a story for you...
Back at the horizon. Leif walks out into the parking lot. Trinkett is waiting with two bicycles.
Trinkett:
Hey there.
Leif:
... Hi.
Trinkett:
I’m Trinkett.
Leif:
... Hey, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
You must be Leif.
Leif:
...
Trinkett:
Word gets around.
Leif:
... Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Trinkett:
How are you feeling?
Leif:
I’ve been better.
Trinkett:
I hope so.
Leif:
... What’s up with the bicycles?
Trinkett:
One’s for you.
Leif:
What?
Trinkett:
Let’s take a ride.
Leif:
A ride?
Trinkett:
Yeah. Best way to see the town.
Leif moves a little closer.
Leif:
... Where you from, Trinkett?
Trinkett:
From? I’m from here. I mean, not here. I’m from Hood’s pocket, I was born here.
Leif:
Uh huh.
Trinkett:
What?
Leif:
Your eyes are yellow.
Trinkett:
Oh, right! Shit, I keep forgetting, you know? Sorry, I bet it’s a little creepy huh?
Leif:
It’s fine.
Trinkett:
Hey. I bet you know what Space Foot is, don’t you?
Leif:
Space foot? Sure, I know what that is.
Trinkett:
Well, I drank a whole bottle of it and after about two weeks my eyes started looking like this.
Leif:
I’m sorry, a bottle?
Trinkett:
Yeah, I hear that’s a lot.
Leif:
That’s a lifetime supply for a whole town.
Trinkett:
I hear that too.
Leif:
That didn’t kill you?
Trinkett:
I’m standing right here.
Leif:
And you’re asking me to take a bike ride?
Trinkett:
I am.
Leif:
For fun?
Trinkett:
Not exactly. We’re going to do the rounds.
Leif:
Do you deliver the mail or something?
Trinkett:
No, the people of Hood’s Pocket got a little news this morning. They heard a story about a guy named Leif who has just told us that we’re never going home again. I’m sure you can imagine how that might make a few of us feel, so we’re going to check in on them. I imagine they might want to get to know you.
Leif:
I can’t see how that’s possible.
Trinkett:
Wouldn’t you want to talk to you?
Leif:
Listen, I’ve had a pretty rough twenty-four hours.
Trinkett:
Leif, I get the feeling that you’ve come a very long way, and that you’ve got a lot to do. But right now, I think you need to forget all of that and come ride a bicycle.
Leif:
... I can’t remember the last time I rode a bicycle.
Trinkett:
Don’t worry, it’s just like riding a bicycle. C’mon.
Leif:
... Okay.
They climb on the bicycles and head out onto the open road.
Trinkett:
You’re doing great.
Leif:
Thanks.
Trinkett:
So, tell me something about this place.
Leif:
Rax Prime?
Trinkett:
Yeah, tell me something.
Leif:
Okay, uh... A long time ago it was ruled by a warlord named BugBug.
Trinkett:
That’s a fun name.
Leif:
He was not a fun guy. Extravagant, though. He had a ship the size of a moon, like the Death Star.
Trinkett:
What’s the Death Star?
Leif:
Star Wars?
Trinkett:
Oh, I’ve never seen it.
Leif:
Seriously?
Trinkett:
No. I grew up here and then when I wasn’t here I was in a caravan in the Renaissance Faire.
Leif:
For real?
Trinkett:
I mean, look at me. Is it that surprising?
Leif:
I guess not.
Trinkett:
So BugBug was the ruler of this place?
Leif:
He was just a raider at first. This was his hideout. These mountains are called BugBig’s teeth, they all have a particular blend of metal fibers that deflect sensors. It’s a good hideout. He ended up the way most of those guys ended up. Then the city got taken over by Killjoy and Lovebug, his two lieutenants. Then the whole place descended into chaos. Nowadays it’s a bunch of gang factions... Kind of weird to be taking a leisurely bike ride through one of the most dangerous places in the Triad.
Trinkett:
You think that’s weird, just wait until we get to the secret military base.
Leif:
The what?
We move to the secret military base. We hear construction. Celeste is sitting on a bench drinking coffee. She speaks into a walkie talkie.
Celeste:
General note, Everyone. I have no problem with the forklift being nicknamed Russell Bunny and I’m willing to tolerate the makeshift ears it’s now wearing, but in your official reports please just call it the forklift, thank you.
Leif and trinkett pull up on their bicycles.
Trinkett:
Hey, Celeste.
Celeste:
Hello, Trinkett. To what do I owe the pleasure? Oh. Hello.
Trinkett:
Celeste this is Leif.
Celeste:
So this is Leif.
Leif:
Hi.
Celeste:
Welcome.
Leif:
What happened here?
Celeste:
Used to be a top secret location, now it looks like a home depot.
Leif:
Those look like meteor craters.
Celeste:
They are.
Leif:
What happened?
Trinkett:
Right before we started traveling we were all almost killed by space rocks.
Celeste:
Some of us fared better than others.
Leif:
Wild... Listening station, right?
Celeste:
Uh, yes, how did you know that?
Leif:
Project Octopus?
Celeste:
... Yes, it’s under Project Octopus. How did you know that?
Leif:
I had a few government contracts when I was younger so I had code word clearance for a while, and uh... Well, that was a mistake on their part.
Celeste:
I see.
Leif:
So what were you scanning for? Seems like an odd place for a listening station.
Celeste:
Let’s back up for a minute.
Leif:
Right, sure.
Celeste:
I think a lot of my people were hoping there was at least a chance that they could see home again.
Leif:
I won’t say there’s no chance of that happening.
Celeste:
Okay.
Leif:
I’m just saying, the chances of that happening are so small that it can’t be expressed in standard integers.
Celeste:
... I was just trying to have a career in the military, Leif.
Leif:
“Join the Army, see the world,” right?
Celeste:
That’s the Navy.
Leif:
Well, you’re really showing them up right now.
Celeste:
...
Leif:
... I’m getting the sense that maybe this isn’t the time for jokes.
Celeste:
Leif, this listening station doesn’t have a tower. Not because it got knocked down by a meteor. It never did. The entire array is pointed at the mountain. We were put here because we were tasked with finding out if there was anything strange about this mountain. Guess what?
Leif:
Okay. Well first of all: Mission accomplished.
Celeste:
We are now without a mission and without home. Any insight as to what we’re supposed to do now?
Leif:
Sergeant, if it’s any condolence, I just got kicked out of the only place I’ve ever called home. Be grateful for what you’ve got.
Trinkett and leif are on the road again.
Leif:
... So I’m getting the sense that, even though this is not my fault, people are going to blame me for their situation.
Trinkett:
Yeah, that’s probably true. Try not to take it too personally.
Leif:
... This is actually kind of nice.
Trinkett:
Right?... You’re carrying a lot of stuff around Leif.
Leif:
... Like I said, it’s been a pretty rough twenty-four hours.
Trinkett:
I know. Your body was mangled, you... you lost a lot of people... there are some other things too. Some things you’re not ready to talk about yet...
Leif:
... So you’re the town psychic, is that it?
Trinkett:
It’s such a cliché, right? I wasn’t before. Before I was just, y’know, one of those weird ladies with a weird little store. But the Space Foot didn’t just turn my eyes yellow, it really shifted my perception. Right now we’re going to go see Steve. Steve is in a place called the Glade of Wishes right now. How do I know that? No idea.
Leif:
That doesn’t surprise me. Pardon the assumption, but I’m going to assume you’ve got some experience with hallucinogens?
Trinkett:
Oh, yeah.
Leif:
You know how everyone’s different after they trip for the first time? Like they see the world a little differently?
Trinkett:
Absolutely.
Leif:
Space Foot is the same way. Even when people take an appropriate dose, they’re just a little different after they do. Someone taking a dose big enough for hundreds of people? No telling what that does.
Trinkett:
Eldin tells me that it’s still alive?
Leif:
Yeah. “The Passenger.” It’ll be in there forever.
Trinkett:
Why don’t I have mushrooms coming out of my ears?
Leif:
One of the reasons why it’s so valuable is because it grows so slow. The batch you drank probably took a couple of hundred years to grow.
Trinkett:
And Verge used to smuggle it?
Leif:
... Yeah.
Trinkett:
... You didn’t like that.
Leif:
Space Foot’s the most dangerous game out there. People will do anything to get their hands on it. I wasn’t a fan.
Trinkett:
... You really cared about each other.
Leif:
... I didn’t know how to care about people back then.
Trinkett:
Who did when they were young?
Leif:
I bet you did.
Trinkett:
No, not me. You’re talking to a former goth girl.
Leif:
Oh yeah?
Trinkett:
I saw Dead Can Dance live three times in one summer.
Leif:
Wow.
Trinkett:
Empathy isn’t a quality, it’s a skill. You have to work on it. You’ve been working on it.
Leif:
... Sometimes...
We move to the glade of wishes.
Trinkett:
... Steve?
Steve pops up out of the grass.
Steve:
Yo.
Trinkett:
How’re you doing?
Steve:
Oh, I’m doing alright, I guess.
Trinkett:
This is Leif.
Steve:
Oh yeah, is this the guy?
Trinkett:
This is the guy.
Steve:
How’s it going?
Leif:
OK. How about you?
Steve:
You know, I like to come out here and think sometimes. Kinda big news this morning, so here I am.
Trinkett:
Take your time with it. It’s a lot.
Steve:
I don’t know. I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the people I’m never going to see again. Every year, going down to the Oregon Country Fair and seeing old friends. Mama Mander... B-Roz... Slunt Master J... I’m never going to see them again. I’ve been trying to decide how to feel about all that. Is that going to do a number on me? Am I going to feel adrift? Am I going to get lost in the sauce? And after thinking about it, I’m thinking... no, I’m good.
Trinkett:
Okay, Steve.
Steve:
Hey... can I see the arm?
Leif:
Uh, sure.
Steve:
... Whoa... Is it glowing a little bit?
Leif:
A little. I don’t really know how it works.
Steve:
Foot too, right?
Leif:
Really impressive rumor mill around here.
Trinkett:
You can thank June for that.
Steve:
Can I see the foot too?
Trinkett:
Steve.
Steve:
Some other time, no big deal. How’re you fixed for weed, man?
Trinkett:
Steve.
Leif:
I would absolutely love some.
Steve:
Fantastic! It’s great stuff. My supplier gets it from this guy in Humboldt named The Big Moose. He’s an artist.
Leif:
You’re kidding me.
Steve:
What?
Leif:
Moose is still alive?
Steve:
You know him?
Leif:
I built his drying system. How is he not dead?
Steve:
Oh, I’ve heard stories about him, apparently he’s “weed strong.” That guy’s going to outlive everybody.
Leif:
That’s crazy.
Steve:
Hey, look at that. Out here in another galaxy and still: Small world.
Leif:
Yeah.
Steve:
Anyway. Welcome to Hood’s Pocket, Leif.
Leif:
Thanks.
Leif and trinkett are on the road again.
Leif:
... This place is almost too adorable.
Trinkett:
Yeah, it’s nice.
Leif:
I just met the town drug dealer and it was like meeting Barney Fife.
Trinkett:
It’s always been like that.
Leif:
Shit. Turn off here.
Trinkett:
What?
They turn down a side street and come to a stop.
Trinkett:
What’s up?
We hear a group of aliens laughing outside of the sporting goods store.
Leif:
I was hoping to avoid these guys.
Trinkett:
Who are they?
Leif:
Outside Raxius there’s an encampment of mercenaries run by a guy named Slabz McTerpz. Total scumbags. That’s a group of them outside that sporting goods store... Not so adorable.
Trinkett:
What do you think they’re up to?
Leif:
They’re never up to anything good.
Mercenary:
LETS! GO! SKIIIIIIIINGGGGGG!!!
The mercenaries cheer.
Trinkett:
Looks like they’re going to try skiing.
Leif:
Here’s hoping they break their legs.
Trinkett:
Come on, we can avoid these guys. Turn down this street.
Leif:
Okay.
They ride down a side street.
Trinkett:
How many times have you been here?
Leif:
I don’t know. Raxius is like the Paris of scumbags and...
Trinkett:
And you used to be a scumbag.
Leif:
Yeah.
Trinkett:
Turn left here.
Leif:
Where are we going?
Trinkett:
We’re going to go see Flat Doug.
Leif:
Flat?
Trinkett:
Yeah. We’re trying to not call him that anymore, though, so just call him Doug.
Leif:
Okay. Flat?
Trinkett:
He got hit by a snowplow.
Leif:
Whoa.
Trinkett:
Twice.
Leif:
Twice?
Trinkett:
Yeah.
Leif:
Is he okay?
Trinkett:
Strangely, yes. But he’s been having a rough time lately. He’d been taking care of his dad for a long time, and at our last stop his dad passed away.
Leif:
Really?
Trinkett:
Yeah.
Leif:
Huh.
Trinkett:
What?
Leif:
Uh... The place that I came from, the diner. That doesn’t happen.
Trinkett:
What do you mean?
Leif:
Time kind of stops.
Trinkett:
Stops?
Leif:
Yeah. When I first found it, there was only one guy working there, Caspar. Found out later he had been there for over a hundred years.
Trinkett:
Well, that’s definitely not what happens here. That sounds unnatural, was he okay?
Leif:
What’s “okay” look like?
Trinkett:
I guess that’s a good point. There he is. Hey, Doug!
They come to a stop on their bikes.
Doug:
Oh. Hello there, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
How are you?
Doug:
Fine.
Trinkett:
Doug, I want you to meet Leif.
Doug:
Hello.
Trinkett:
You heard about Leif this morning. Leif and I were just checking in with people, seeing how they’re doing.
Doug:
Oh. Okay. I’m fine.
Trinkett:
... Good.
Leif:
What’s up with the pinecones?
Doug:
I’m sorry?
Leif:
... You have an arm full of pinecones.
Doug:
Oh. Right. Yes, yes I do.
Leif:
... Okay.
Trinkett:
... So, what’s going on, Doug?
Doug:
I was just... doing some gardening.
Trinkett:
Okay.
The call of a strange animal comes from Doug’s backyard.
Trinkett:
Some gardening?
Doug:
Yes.
Trinkett:
Doug just started gardening.
Leif:
... Great.
We hear the strange animal again. Trinkett tries to ignore it.
Trinkett:
I am, of course, very excited to hear about how Doug’s... gardening has been going.
Doug:
It’s going well. It’s... I’m sure I’ll be able to talk about it soon.
We hear the animal again.
Trinkett:
... Great.
Leif:
Dude. What the hell’s going on in your backyard?
Doug:
Well, I just planted the acorn squash-
Leif:
I’m going back there.
Doug:
Wait, please, it’s very skittish. I think you should probably stay out here.
Leif:
Doug. Do you know what a Hazmatilda is?
Doug:
... No.
Leif:
It’s a giant flying rodent, Doug. It descends on you in the darkness and eats your liver.
Doug:
Oh, God.
Leif:
Okay?
Doug:
That isn’t what’s back there.
Leif:
I know. But we should probably check to see if it’s something of the liver eating variety, don’t you think?
Doug:
Uh...
Trinkett:
Doug, I think it’s time.
Doug:
... Okay.
We hear the sound again.
Leif:
Everybody stay behind me, okay?
They make their way into Doug’s backyard. We hear the animal even louder now.
Leif:
Oh, okay.
Trinkett:
Well, hello.
Doug:
Is it okay?
Leif:
It’s fine. What the fuck is this thing called again. Do you have your phone?
Doug:
Yes.
Leif:
Hey, Eldin?
Eldin:
(From Doug’s phone.) What?
Leif:
What’s the name of that huge salamander thing on this planet?
Eldin:
An Ashlesaurus?
Leif:
Yeah. Doug has one in his back yard.
Eldin:
Oh. Alright, enjoy.
Doug:
I’ve been trying to get it to eat something. I heard the Mungo eats pinecones so I was trying some of those.
Leif:
Mungo?
Eldin:
It eats moss. Semi-aquatic plants, things like that.
Trinkett:
(Talking to the Aslesaurus.) Hello there. What a beautiful person you are.
Doug:
I don’t have any of that.
Leif:
There’s a Mungo here?
Eldin:
It really needs to be in a river, Doug. I’m not sure how it got into your backyard.
Leif:
How the fuck did a Mungo get here?
Eldin:
How do Mungos get anywhere, Leif? Try and keep up.
Trinkett:
This guy’s really rare, isn’t he?
Eldin:
Yes, they’re a delicacy in some circles. They’re nearly extinct.
Doug:
A delicacy!?
Eldin:
Yes, I’m afraid so.
Trinkett:
That’s terrible.
Eldin:
It’s a hard life out there for delicious things.
Doug:
Then it should stay here.
Eldin:
Doug, your backyard is not an ideal environment for this creature.
Doug:
Well, neither is an oven!
Eldin:
Doug, I don’t know what to tell you. Eventually it’s going to die there.
Doug:
It’s here, so it wants to be here and if it wants to be here, it’s going to... it’s going to be here. It should be alive. Things should be alive...
Trinkett:
Doug-
Leif:
Hey. You know what, we just need to build a pond.
Doug:
A pond?
Trinkett:
Can you do that?
Leif:
Yeah, we just need to bury a kiddie pool or maybe some plastic sheeting. Pipe down to the water table, cycle some water through. I’m not sure what to do about food but maybe Trinkett can use her magical powers to command moss to do her bidding.
Trinkett:
Who knows? I’ve never tried.
Leif:
... Should be fine.
Doug:
... Okay.
Leif:
I mean, it looks like I’m going to be here for a minute. Good to have a project, right?
Trinkett:
That sounds very nice, Leif.
Leif:
Is there a hardware store in town?
Trinkett:
Yeah, I can take you there.
Leif:
Okay... tomorrow morning?
Doug:
Thank you.
Trinkett and leif are on the road again. They are quiet for a moment.
Leif:
... What?
Trinkett:
It’s a pretty big, black cloud, Leif.
Leif:
What is?
Trinkett:
It’s been a pretty big 24 hours, I get it... But there’s something kind of following you around, you know what I mean?
Leif:
Everybody’s got baggage.
Trinkett:
It’s bigger than baggage. Do you want to talk about it?
Leif:
... I’m going to build this guy a pond.
Trinkett:
Yes, that’s very nice of you.
Leif:
Stuff like that... Being around other people reminds me that... that other people exist.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Leif:
... I was alone for a while before I came here...
Trinkett:
... We don’t have to talk about it right now.
Leif:
... Okay.
Trinkett:
... Feel like having a beer?
Leif:
... Yeah, that sounds alright.
We move to outside the sheep’s eye. The door swings open and snorts is mad.
Snorts:
No one may tell me when I have drunk too much! I am Snorts Ma-Ghorts!!
Frank:
This fucking guy.
Snorts:
I am the Axe of the Green Army!
Frank:
Snorts.
Snorts:
How dare you tell me I cannot have another margarita!!
Frank:
Snorts!
Snorts:
Ah! Another comes to try and command Snorts Ma-Ghorts! Do you wish to taste my axe fake Earthling!
Frank:
Give me the fucking axe-
Snorts:
Hey-
Frank:
Give to me-
Snorts:
That’s my axe!
Frank grabs Snorts by the ear.
Snorts:
Ow! That is my ear!
Frank:
Time to go.
Frank drags snorts across the street by the ear.
Snorts:
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!
Frank:
Get the fuck out of here!
Snorts:
How dare you!
Frank:
I’m keeping your axe.
Snorts:
Give me my axe!
Frank:
Do you want your axe?
Snorts:
Give me my axe!
Frank:
Snorts, I don’t know what kind of world you live in, but we have rules here at... Earthland. Do you understand me?
Snorts:
... May I have my axe, please?
Frank:
Are you going to follow the rules?
Snorts:
... Yes.
Frank:
When someone says you can’t have another margarita, what does that mean?
Snorts:
... It means I cannot have another margarita.
Frank:
That’s right, Snorts. Now take your axe and get the fuck out of here, please.
Snorts:
It’s just that...
Frank:
What?
Snorts:
I have been drinking, I should not pilot my vehicle.
Frank:
Oh Jesus Christ. Can someone give Snorts a ride home to his cave or whatever?
Inside the sheep’s eye, Trinkett and Leif sit in the back. The bar is full of aliens of all stripes.
Trinkett:
What about that one there?
Leif:
The purple guy?
Trinkett:
Yeah, where’s he from?
Leif:
Goobrius.
Trinkett:
Okay, what goes on there?
Leif:
Are you ready to hear some ridiculous bullshit about The Triad?
Trinkett:
Sure.
Leif:
Remember back in the 80s when you could go into a mall and buy those off the shoulder sweaters that had Japanese lettering on them?
Trinkett:
Sure.
Leif:
And the translation was gibberish. It didn’t mean anything, the important part was just the aesthetics of the Japanese lettering.
Trinkett:
Right.
Leif:
It’s the same way with Earth culture out here. People adopt it, but they don’t even know what it means. Or they misunderstand it. So, Goobrius is a theocracy, right? The whole planet is led by a spiritual leader, and they’re really into Earth stuff there. So this spiritual leader, the guy that leads the whole planet?... Hank the Wonder Llama.
Trinkett:
What?
Leif:
They took it from the Bhuddhists. Buddhits have Lamas. But then they spell it wrong. They spell it with two Ls, like the animal. So, what it sounds like to a Earthling is that Goobrius is led by a frigging Peruvain Llama named Hank.
Trinkett:
That’s amazing.
Leif:
I wish they were all that funny.
Elsewhere in the bar, Celeste is having coffee with Slabz MC Terpz.
Celeste:
It’s been hard to get our base set back up. We’ve got limited resources and no support. But as MacArthur once said, “Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.”
Slabz:
I like this MacArthur, he seems like a very wise man. We also have a saying in our ranks. “Your unfinished deeds fuel the fires of Geelox.”
Celeste:
... Uh huh.
Slabz:
It doesn’t translate very well, but you understand.
Celeste:
Sure.
Slabz:
I have also faced a challenge like this. Our armies were stranded on the moon of Azaana. The enemy was all around and our rations were depleted. Our only course of action was to eat the dreaded Goo Worm of Azaana. A disgusting creature. But I said to my men, “Better to be a free goo worm eater than a slave with a full belly.”
Celeste:
Right.
Slabz:
So I know what you’re talking about.
Frank walks in.
Frank:
(To the bar.) Okay, whose huge hovercraft is parked outside? That’s not where we park. If you want a parking space, you have to go further down the street!
Steve enters.
Steve:
How’s it going Frank? I think we have to agree that Earthland is going pretty well.
Frank:
Yes, Steve you’ve successfully turned a nightmare scenario into a different nightmare scenario.
Steve:
It’s what I do.
Frank:
(To the bar.) People? Huge green hovercraft thing? Do I have to tow it myself?
Random Alien:
That’s me. My bad.
Frank:
Let’s go.
Celeste:
General, it was wonderful speaking with you.
Slabz:
And with you, Sergeant. The legion of Slabz Mc Terpz is encamped outside the south side of the city if you are ever in the neighborhood.
Celeste:
I look forward to it.
Deidre enters.
Deidre:
Hey, Frank.
Frank:
Hey, Deidre.
Deidre:
Steve, oh my God.
Steve:
They really know how to party.
Deidre:
There’s more broken glass on the floor than there is floor on the floor.
Steve:
Yeah, they started playing a game called StabbyCacti where they throw their glass on the floor when they’re done drinking.
Frank:
That’s not a game, that’s just throwing things.
Steve:
Don’t judge their culture, Frank.
Celeste heads to Leif and Trinkett’s table.
Celeste:
Hello, again.
Trinkett:
Hey Celeste.
Celeste:
I’m thinking this place might not be so bad after all, I just met a very nice man. A General, apparently. Slaz Mc Terpz is his name?
Leif:
Really?
Celeste:
Yes.
Leif:
Slabz Mc Terpz.
Celeste:
... What?
Leif:
Nothing, he’s just a... y’know... Mass murderer.
Celeste:
Goddamn it.
Leif:
In his defense, it was just the one time.
Celeste:
Great. Here, I’ve been instructed to give this to you, Leif.
Leif:
A... Nokia 3310? Why?
Eldin:
(From the phone.) Good Morning, Starshine.
Leif:
Aha.
Eldin:
Now I can follow you wherever you go.
Leif:
Fucking great.
Eldin:
Could you come to the back room? We’d like to speak with you.
Leif:
Hang on. I’ll be right back.
Lief walks into the back room. There’s no one there.
Verge:
Are you enjoying your stay?
Leif:
Jesus.
Verge:
Have you hit the gift shop yet?
Leif:
Still doing the “blending into the shadows” thing, I see.
Verge:
Old Habits.
Leif:
Yeah.
Verge:
...
Leif:
...
Verge:
I’m... I’m happy.
Leif:
... What?
Verge:
I was pretty pissed off when you showed up, as I’m sure you can imagine. Then I was reminded that you’re the reason why I’m here... I’m happy and your message got me here.
Leif:
Good.
Verge:
... I met someone.
Leif:
Really?
Verge:
Well, you know. Earthlings. I have a type.
Leif:
That’s great.
Verge:
Deidre. She runs this place.
Leif:
... That’s really great, Verge... Hey, you know, I was thinking... you’re on a mountain.
Verge:
Yeah, what?
Leif:
Nothing just... Vapians... They lived in the mountains.
Verge:
...
Leif:
...
Verge:
You never mentioned how you lost your arm.
Leif:
I didn’t?
Verge:
There was a lot to cover.
Leif:
Oh... When we escaped Krok it landed me back on Quilandis. I was about thirty kilometers from shelter...
Verge:
Frostbite.
Leif:
...
Verge:
I thought you said you were in Triangulum?
Leif:
Afterwards, I was.
Verge:
Why were you all the way out there?
Leif:
In Triangulum?... No reason... I was just hiding out, trying to plan my next move.
Verge:
... Okay.
Leif:
Speaking of which. I need Eldin’s help on something.
Eldin:
What’s that?
Leif:
I need to find some CMB data for this universe.
Eldin:
Why?
Leif:
CMB data is like a fingerprint. Every universe has a different one. I have a few of them memorized, if I can get some CMB data I may be able to figure out what universe we’re in.
Eldin:
What good will that do?
Leif:
I need to figure out a way back to the diner. The first step would be knowing where I am in the first place.
Eldin:
But you’d need to access the wider network in The Triad to do it?
Leif:
Yes.
Verge:
We’re trying to keep a low profile.
Eldin:
Yes, Leif, I’m not sure it’s worth the risk.
Leif:
I understand, but I’ve got a series of abandoned comms nodes that I use for things like this. They’re listed as inoperative, but I can use them without being detected.
Eldin:
You’re sure you can’t be detected?
Leif:
Unless someone is monitoring that specific node. But nobody knows it exists.
Eldin:
Well, you sneaky little devil. Alright. We’ll set up shop at Verge’s room tonight. More data on our location would be good for everyone, so perhaps it’s worth the risk.
Leif:
Great.
Verge:
You boys have a lovely evening.
We move to night time outside of Trinkett’s shop. The party is still going strong at the sheep’s eye. Frank walks down the street with a tv/vcr combo.
Steve:
(From across the street.) Ya’ll, let’s raise a glass to Slabz Mc Terpz and his army, who took their first skiing trip today. Only half of them were badly injured.
The crowd cheers.
Frank:
Where the fuck am I living?
Frank walks inside trinkett’s shop.
Frank:
Hello?
Trinkett:
(From the back.) Hello! Did you bring it?
Frank:
I’ve got it.
Trinkett:
Put it down on the table there.
Frank:
Okay.
Trinkett:
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m really concerned about the energy this thing brings with it.
Frank:
Trinkett it’s a twenty inch tv/vcr combo, it’s not a nuclear reactor.
Trinkett:
I know, it’s just not very me. But I think it’s important.
Frank:
What is?
Trinkett:
June let me borrow this.
Frank:
Star Wars?
Trinkett:
Yes. Leif mentioned it today, I think I need to watch it.
Frank:
That’s really the best way to watch it, on stunning twenty inch vacuum tube.
Trinkett:
Come on, it’s a big step for me.
Frank:
Okay fine. Enjoy.
Trinkett:
You’re not going to watch it with me?
Frank:
I should get back over to the Sheep’s Eye.
Trinkett:
I’ll know if there’s trouble- watch this movie with me. Come on, I made you some tea.
Frank:
Well, hell, if there’s tea involved.
Trinkett:
I’m starting the movie, get some tea.
Frank:
Fine.
Trinkett puts the tape in.
Trinkett:
I feel like this movie is really going to help me.
Frank:
That’s ridiculous.
Trinkett:
June was saying that there’s nine of them all together, is that true?
Frank:
Not really... Oh, be sure and read the FBI warning, it’s important... So how is this movie going to help you?
Trinkett:
I don’t know... Something about going to war with an evil empire...
Frank:
... Fantastic.
Trinkett:
Here we go...
Across town in Verge’s room, Eldin and leif prepare to connect to the network.
Eldin:
Alright, tell me how all of this is going to work, you fucking criminal.
Leif:
Okay. We’re going to target the Painted Oni Nebula.
Eldin:
Alright.
Leif:
There’s a casino station there called Glowbed Roulette.
Eldin:
That station was shut down after an outbreak of Red Pox.
Leif:
Yes. But the reactor is still online and so is their dedicated comms node. It’s just not listed in the system.
Eldin:
Fascinating.
Leif:
People will see someone accessing the network but they wont know who or from where.
Eldin:
And if we are detected?
Leif:
We won’t be, but if we are, how many data requests can you do at once?
Eldin:
1.2 billion per second, depending on signal strength.
Leif:
Make that many requests all at the same time and it should slow down the system enough for us to get out undetected.
Eldin:
Alright.
Leif:
Once we’re connected, access the data on the Planck satellite on Earth. That’ll be the quickest access.
Eldin:
Very well... I’m connected to the casino... now the comms node. Awfully messy in here... There’s the Planck Satellite. I’ll display this on the television.
Leif:
Okay.
The TV turns on.
Eldin:
It’s up.
Leif:
Great... alright there it is... well, shit.
Eldin:
What’s the problem?
Leif:
I don’t recognize this scan at all... I have no idea where I am.
Eldin:
Well, even if you did, what would you do with that information?
Leif:
I don’t know. It would be something, I guess... Shit. You can disconnect.
Eldin:
I’m updating the mainframe on the Phoenix, just a few more packets.
Leif:
Do I live here now?
Eldin:
Well, we do have some very affordable real estate here in Hood’s Pocket.
Leif:
Great.
A chime starts going off.
Eldin:
Goddamn it, Leif.
Leif:
What?
Eldin:
We’re being observed, someone’s trying to track us.
Leif:
Who?
Eldin:
I have no idea. Deploying data requests.
Leif:
That should do it.
Eldin:
... It didn’t work, they’re still trying to track the signal. Firewall is holding but whatever protocols they have are very strong.
Leif:
Get out of there.
Eldin:
I can’t, not until I’ve covered our tracks. And I’ve just made 1.2 billion data requests.
Leif:
Okay, take one of the packets you’ve downloaded and double encrypt it. Deploy that packet on the network, observe how they eat through the encryption, and then incorporate their decryption process into our firewall.
Eldin:
Working... Firewall altered... It’s holding.
There’s another chime.
Eldin:
We’re safe, but they’ve managed to push through a carrier pigeon.
Leif:
What the fuck?
Eldin:
It’ll be a thirty second audio channel, then they’ll be locked out. Stay completely silent...
We hear the sound of someone loudly eating potato chips on the other end of the line.
Dark Leif:
... Pretty impressive... Sounds like someone’s been reading my playbook... who are you?... Never mind, I’ll find out... I hope whatever you got was worth it... it’ll be the reason you end up dead... It’ll take me a second but I’ll get you... I should thank you, actually... been a while since I had a challenge... Anyway, enjoy these last few weeks, because now... Showtime.
The signal cuts out.
Leif:
Oh shit... Did you get the data update for the system?
Eldin:
Yes.
Leif:
Access the Teds ten most wanted list. Am I still on it?
Eldin:
... You are.
Leif:
Oh my God... In this universe I never left Låfftrax.
Eldin:
I’m afraid it’s much worse than that, Leif.
Leif:
... What do you mean?
Eldin:
In this universe there is no more Låfftrax... In this universe... you are the most notorious pirate in The Triad.
The end.