Midnight Burger
Chapter 46: The Rag Doll
we hear the sound of the diner traveling.
Libuza:
Once upon a time, there was a rag doll. Assembled from scraps, stuffed full of cotton, a lovely smile made of stitches. No one told the rag doll she was made of bits and pieces, but how could she ever know. How could any of us?
Fiona and peter walk into the dining area.
Fiona:
... I have no idea how any of this works... What do I do?... I should get some sleep I guess... yeah, that’s not going to happen...
Libuza:
The rag doll, once happily in place with all the toys, had been cast aside and was now all alone in the world.
Fiona looks through some notes.
Fiona:
Okay... Okay, I used to open the coffee shop all the time. I guess I just... I’ll just do that. Right? That’s a good place to start... Peter, let’s give you a job. Hang on... See, Peter, this is what humans do, when they’re scared out of their minds they just start doing things... When my Grandfather died, I went into the kitchen at four AM and my mom was doing the dishes. By hand. We had a really nice dishwasher... “I really need to do these right now,” she said... Of course that wasn’t really my mother and I have no idea if that memory actually happened or was just put in my head... useful story anyway, I guess. Okay. Peter. Current mode?
P3t3r:
Current mode: Shadow.
Fiona:
Oh!... Peter, do you have a tiny robot voice? I don’t remember that.
Fiona goes through Leif’s notes.
Fiona:
Oh. “Dear Fiona, I added a little robot voice to Peter. He can’t recite Shakespeare or anything but, trust me, it helps on long hauls to have a machine that talks to you.” Okay. That’s nice. Uh... Peter: start chronometer.
P3t3r:
Chronometer on.
Fiona:
I wonder what that’s going to do... Ooh, here we go, Peter: Side work.
P3t3r:
Side work.
Peter walks behind the counter.
Fiona:
Where are you going?
Peter rolls a mop and rolling bucket out onto the floor.
Fiona:
Oh.
He starts to mop the floor.
Fiona:
Okay, mopping... That’s very comforting somehow... I’m going to clean the countertops.
Fiona takes out her phone and types. Her music begins playing out of the phone speakers. Fiona grabs a spray bottle and starts spraying down the countertops.
Fiona:
... We can do this Peter... we can do this.
Libuza:
Alone in the world, the rag doll knew not what to do. With no one to play with her and surround her with plastic walls and tiny tea sets, the rag doll was faced with something she thought impossible: acting like a real girl.
We move to the next day. Outside the diner it is a nice quiet day. FIona and peter walk out into the parking lot.
Fiona:
This is good for a first shift. Very chill. I was worried we were going to get a mad rush, I don’t even know how to use the kitchen yet... This is a nice planet, I wonder where we are... Oh shit, someone’s coming, don’t freak out, Peter... Hello. Welcome to Midnight Burger.
Dr. Caberant:
... Where is Caspar?
Fiona:
... I’m sorry? You know Caspar?
Dr. Caberant:
Yes, I’m used to dealing with Caspar. Can I speak with Caspar?
Fiona:
Oh. Caspar’s not here.
Dr. Caberant:
He’s not?
Fiona:
No, he’s uh... he’s on vacation.
Dr. Caberant:
... I see.
Fiona:
I’m Fiona. This is Peter.
Dr. Caberant:
Alright, well there’s no time for explanations, have you done this before, Fiona?
Fiona:
Done what, exactly?
Dr. Caberant:
Oh dear. You have no idea what’s going on, do you?
Fiona:
I don’t, I’m very confused.
Dr. Caberant:
Very well. Inside, if you don’t mind.
Fiona:
Sure.
They walk inside.
Dr. Caberant:
I’ll start from the beginning, I wasn’t expecting this.
Fiona:
Thank you.
Dr. Caberant:
My name is Dr. Caberant. I am the designated magistrate for the day of joining.
Fiona:
Day of Joining.
Dr. Caberant:
Yes. Is this your first time on this planet?
Fiona:
Probably?
Dr. Caberant:
Wonderful. This planet is called Thegrion. Ring any bells?
Fiona:
No.
Dr. Caberant:
Well, we haven’t much time. This is Joining Day on our planet. It’s a solemn day of remembrance, alright?
Fiona:
Okay.
Dr. Caberant:
Where is the clock again?
Fiona:
Up here.
Dr. Caberant:
Yes. Right. When the hand that is on the six moves to the seven, we will have several delegates from around the planet arrive. We’ll drink some of the ceremonial coffee and we will eat the ceremonial Luncheon. Please tell me you can handle the ceremonial coffee and luncheon.
Fiona:
Definitely the coffee.
Dr. Caberant:
Wonderful. May I have some now?
Fiona:
Absolutely.
Dr. Caberant:
I enjoy it with the white substance. And the other thing?
Fiona:
Cream and sugar?
Dr. Caberant:
That’s it, thank you.
Fiona:
Coming right up.
Dr. Caberant:
It’s looking very clean, so at least there’s that, Fiona.
Fiona:
Great.
Dr. Caberant:
It was my one constant complaint to Caspar, a complaint that was never improved upon, sadly.
Fiona:
So, you know Caspar.
Dr. Caberant:
Yes, I’ve worked with Caspar many times in the past.
Fiona:
Okay... how?
Dr. Caberant:
How?
Fiona:
Yes.
Dr. Caberant:
... Fiona, I don’t like to mince words, I’m sure you’ve noticed.
Fiona:
I have.
Dr. Caberant:
They really need to train the new people more thoroughly.
Fiona:
Agreed.
Dr. Caberant:
From the beginning: This is Thegrion. Every year at the same time, the diner appears here on Thegrion.
Fiona:
Really?
Dr. Caberant:
Yes. It’s on this day that we mark a solemn occasion, we all drink of the ceremonial coffee and eat the ceremonial luncheon.
Fiona:
Okay. Luncheon. Right.
Dr. Caberant:
What will we be having for the ceremonial luncheon?
Fiona:
Uh, I have no idea.
Dr. Caberant:
Fiona that hand is moving very quickly to the seven.
Fiona:
What do you usually have?
Dr. Caberant:
Historically it’s been whatever Caspar could muster at the time. We did this for years and he never seemed to improve all that much in the luncheon department. In truth, it doesn’t really matter, the food is a ritualistic part of the ceremony, it can be anything.
Fiona:
Uh, I make a really great grilled cheese sandwich.
Dr. Caberant:
Alright, do I need to know what that is?
Fiona:
It’s great.
Dr. Caberant:
That will work, then. And the sticks that accompany them?
Fiona:
French fries?
Dr. Caberant:
Yes, that’s it. We’ll have those?
Fiona:
Sure, sure, I’ll figure it out.
Dr. Caberant:
Excellent. It’s going to go just fine Fiona. Remember, we don’t have food like this on our planet so the bar is quite low, Caspar has always benefitted from that.
Fiona:
I love that.
Dr. Caberant:
(Looking outside.) Oh wonderful. We have some early arrivals, I hate it when they do that.
Fiona:
It’s okay, it’s okay watch this...
Fiona looks through Leif’s notes.
Fiona:
Peter: coffee and water.
P3t3r:
Coffee and water.
Peter grabs a pot of coffee and tray off the counter and heads outside.
Dr. Caberant:
Oh, look at that. I love that, that’s new. Okay, Fiona here we go, it’s going to be fine!
Dr. CaberAnt walks outside with Peter.
Fiona:
... Here we go.
Libuza:
Pretending to be a real girl seemed simple enough. No one seemed to notice as long as they didn't look too closely. She would smile, laugh when she needed to, even though she didn't understand the joke. Pretending to be a real girl did not make her feel less alone, but the rag doll was not without friends
We hear the howling winds of the deep freeze. The wolves can be heard milling around, panting and barking as fiona makes them food.
Fiona:
So, tell me something guys. You’re all very deft hunters, completely capable of taking care of yourselves, and yet when I make this stew, you all look at me with the puppy dog eyes like you haven’t had a meal in days. So tell me, is that the the allure of convenience, or am I a really amazing cook?... Luckily, none of you can answer that.
Jungkook starts barking and growling.
Fiona:
Junkook?... Jungkook, what’s wrong?
We start to hear the hissing and growling of the two snow leopards. They have not yet acclimated to life in the deep freeze.
Fiona:
Hey!
Fiona claps at the snow leopards, trying to get them to “snap out of it.”
Fiona:
You two, stop it! All you two do is come by the camp and hiss and growl, I’m getting a little sick of it okay?... Jungkook, stop.
Jungkook stops growling.
Fiona:
... Look, I know that this is not the usual place that a snow leopard finds itself but you two were in a cage before. You’ve got snow now. I know you can get used to this... Hey, count yourself lucky. You got tossed into your natural environment, think how this is for me. I don’t even know what my natural environment is!... Your name’s are Sakura and Chaewon... I have no idea what that means but that’s what I’ve been told, does that help at all?... Maybe?... I’m out here all by myself, y’all... The wolves bring me a deer and I follow these instructions and turn it into food... it’s gross... I have a Bachelor’s degree in Civic Engagement, I am out of my comfort zone. Help me out, please... I’m going to do what I always do and throw you this huge piece of meat.
Fiona tosses them a huge piece of meat.
Fiona:
So you can do what you always do and drag it away somewhere... I’m not asking for miracles, I just want you to stop seeing me as the enemy. Okay?
The snow leopards take the meat and run off.
Fiona:
Bye.
Jungkook barks at fiona.
Fiona:
I know, right?
We move from the deep freeze to what sounds like a city in TURMOIL. There are helicopters flying overhead, police sirens in the distance, and buildings burning. In the distance, we hear an angry crowd approaching. Also approaching are Fiona and Peter. The crowd is chasing them.
Fiona:
Shit shit shit shit shit, Peter zone defense!
P3t3r:
Zone defense.
Peter turns on his heels and starts firing his laser at the crowd. We hear yells of pain as he wings several people in the crowd. The crowd instantly turns tail and begins running. After a moment...
P3t3r:
Zone clear.
Peter walks inside.
Fiona:
Thanks, Peter. Bad call on my part to go exploring... What do you think happened here? It looks like the whole city has broken down... Peter: Sentry mode.
P3t3r:
Sentry mode.
Fiona:
Look what I grabbed out of a broken window. New shoes. Do you think that’s why they were chasing me?... I think they’re my size, let’s try them on.
P3t3r:
Chronometer reading: 30 days.
Fiona:
Oh THAT’s what the chronometer does... Wow, a month already? That went fast... How long do you think it’s going to be?... Scratch that, fixating on time is probably the wrong frame of mind to be in, don’t you think?... Okay, they fit. I can get away from angry crowds much easier now... Come here Peter, let’s get you civilized.
Fiona starts to put her old shoes on Peter.
Fiona:
Peter, you’re a life saver but you’re a little heavy-footed, you know what I mean? Also, I think someone’s shock of seeing a tiny robot when they walk in might be lessened a little by... The robot wearing tennis shoes! Have a walk around.
Peter walks back and forth wearing the shoes.
Fiona:
There we go. Much better... Nothing can stop us now.
A frightened woman walks in the front door. Fiona gets to work.
Fiona:
Hey there. Welcome to Midnight Burger... It looks pretty scary out there right now, why don’t you sit down. I’ll get you a cup of coffee.
We move faster from scene to scene, each one punctuated by the diner spiltting the air in its new location. The door chime rings and dr.Caberant walks in again.
Dr. Caberant:
Hello, hello!
Fiona:
Hey Dr. Caberant!
Dr. Caberant:
Good to see you again, Fiona! How have you been?
Fiona:
I’m okay, it’s nice to see a familiar face.
Dr. Caberant:
I’m sure. Hello there... what was his name again?
Fiona:
Peter.
Dr. Caberant:
Peter, how are you? Can he understand me?
Fiona:
Not really, but I like to pretend. What have you got there?
Dr. Caberant:
Ah, yes. Well, I told my wife about you, told her about the changing of the guard and she worries about you going a little stir crazy. She worries, it’s her thing, it’s how she passes the time. Anyway, she made you this.
Fiona:
Is it a musical instrument?
Dr. Caberant:
It is! We’re a musical people, we Thegronis. Every child gets one of these on their seventh year of school. It’s called an Ione. Learning to play a musical instrument is a nice way to pass the time.
Fiona:
You know, actually that big thing in the corner is a musical instrument.
Dr. Caberant:
Is it? The thing with the bench?
Fiona:
It’s called a piano.
Dr. Caberant:
I was wondering what that was, well-
Fiona:
But this is great! It’ll much easier to take this up to the roof.
Dr. Caberant:
Listen, don’t feel obligated. I myself never took to it. It always sounded like an animal being murdered when I would play it.
Fiona:
Okay.
Dr. Caberant:
All ready to go?
Fiona:
Ready to go!
Dr. Caberant:
Solemn day of remembrance here we come!
Dr. Caberant walks out the front door. Fiona awkwardly puts the ione to her lips and plays a very awkward sound.
Fiona:
Oh, wow. This is going to sound terrible. Peter, sorry in advance.
We fade out on fiona making squeaks and awkward noises in the ione. We then slowly fade back up on the diner traveling. Fiona is still playing the ione, but now she plays it with much more skill.
Libuza:
Time can bring many things, but it can also wash over you like a river, and you lay at the bottom as it all passes you by. Not time's passenger, but its observer, watching it from the outside. Waiting for something to begin.
She finnishes and peter walks in.
P3t3r:
Chronometer reading: One year.
Fiona:
... Fuck. Really?... Happy one year anniversary, Peter... Where the hell are you, Gloria?
There is a crack in the air and the diner has arrived.
Fiona:
Six o’clock again... Looks like Earth. Let’s go take a look.
Fiona and Peter walk out into the parking lot.
Fiona:
Nice day... what do we think? Kind of has U.K. vibes doesn’t it? Kind of an old world feel, right?
Kathryn comes running toward the diner.
Fiona:
Here we go. Hi there, welcome to Midnight Burger.
Kathryn:
Fucking mental, absolutely fucking mental.
Kathryn ducks inside the diner.
Fiona:
Looks like I nailed it. If she asks me to make Cornish pasties or something, I quit. Also, walked right past the robot in the parking lot. Have the British lost their attention to detail? Let’s go.
They walk back inside, but the diner appears to be empty.
Fiona:
Hello?
Fiona walks through the diner to the kitchen.
Fiona:
Hello?... Oh, hi... Um... People usually sit at one of the booths, not on the floor in the kitchen.
Kathryn:
You’ve got to keep me fucking hidden.
Fiona:
Okay. What’s wrong?
Kathryn:
Can I please just hide here for a bit?
Fiona:
Sure... sure, you can. Can you tell me what you’re hiding from though?
Kathryn:
Uhh...
Fiona:
It’s okay, try me.
Kathryn:
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Fiona:
Oh yeah?
Peter walks into the kitchen.
Kathryn:
... What the fuck is that?
Fiona:
That’s Peter.
Kathryn:
Is he a fucking robot?
Fiona:
He is a fucking robot.
Kathryn:
Why do you have a fucking robot?
Fiona:
Well, someone has to do the dishes.
Kathryn:
What?
Fiona:
What’s your name?
Kathryn:
... Kathryn.
Fiona:
Hi Kathryn. I’m Fiona. Let me guess, something very strange is happening to you today. Something so strange that you wouldn’t even know how to describe it?
Kathryn:
... Correct.
Fiona:
What are the chances that the woman who inexplicably has the two foot robot companion is going to be a little more receptive to your story than your average person on the street.
Kathryn:
... I suppose the chances aren’t too bad.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kathryn:
... So he just walks about and does things for you?
Fiona:
Not just that, do want to see him breakdance?
Kathryn:
No thank you.
Fiona:
... What’s going on, Kathryn?
Kathryn:
... I-
We hear the door chime.
Fiona:
Hang on.
Fiona walks into the dining area to see Judy.
Fiona:
Hi there, welcome to Midnight Burger.
Judy:
Pardon me, but have you seen a young woman pass through here, about yea high, black hair? Kathryn is her name?
Fiona:
Uh... No, no I don’t think I have.
Judy:
I’m at my wit’s end with this one. I’ll have a tea then.
Fiona:
I don’t think we have tea.
Judy:
Have you not?
Fiona:
We’re uh, an American themed restaurant.
Judy:
Lord preserve us. Coffee then?
Fiona:
Sure. One second.
Fiona walks back into the kitchen.
Fiona:
Kathryn, are you just hiding from your mom, how could you not explain that?
Kathryn:
Oh just you fucking wait.
Fiona:
Okay.
We hear the door chime again.
Fiona:
Hang on, we’ve got another customer.
Fiona walks back into the dining area and pours a cup of coffee.
Fiona:
Here you go.
Judy:
Thank you, love.
Fiona:
Welcome to Midnight Burger how can...
2Nd Judy:
Pardon me, but have you seen a young woman pass through here, about yea high, black hair? Kathryn is her name?
Fiona:
...Uhh.
2Nd Judy:
Do you not speak English, dear? Have they brought you in from the Balkans?
Fiona:
I haven’t seen anyone like that.
2Nd Judy:
Course not. I’ll have a cup of tea, please.
Fiona:
We don’t have any.
2Nd Judy:
None to speak of?
Judy:
This is lovely, thank you.
Fiona:
None to speak of. Coffee?
2Nd Judy:
It’ll do, I suppose.
Fiona:
Okay.
Fiona tentatively pours a cup for the 2nd Judy. The door chimes again.
Fiona:
Welcome to Midnight Oh god-
3Rd Judy:
Pardon me, but have you seen a young woman pass through here, about yea high, black hair? Kathryn is her name?
2Nd Judy:
Bit of milk, please.
Fiona:
Milk, sure. Excuse me one second.
Fiona walks back into the kitchen.
Fiona:
Hi.
Kathryn:
Hello.
Fiona:
Does your mother have two twin sisters?
Kathryn:
She absolutely fucking does not.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kathryn:
I told you you wouldn’t believe me.
The door chimes again.
Kathryn:
There’s another.
Fiona:
Oh fuck. Okay... okay wait, I read about this somewhere.
Kathryn:
Oh you’ve read about it have you? Where? Alice in fucking Wonderland?
Fiona:
Hang on, I’ll be right back.
Kathryn:
Don’t tell them I’m here.
Fiona:
I won’t.
Fiona walks out into the dining area, headed for Ava’s booth.
4Th Judy:
Pardon me, but have you seen a-
Fiona:
Young woman named Kathryn, no I haven’t, have a seat I’ll be right with you.
Judy:
(On her phone.) Kathryn... I’m leaving you a message for the third time this morning, can you call me back please, you’re being very rude.
Fiona starts looking through the mess on ava’s booth.
Fiona:
Where is it, where is it... here!
Fiona heads back to the kitchen.
2Nd Judy:
Kathryn... I’m leaving you a message for the third time this morning, can you call me back please, you’re being very rude.
Fiona:
Okay, I think the solution might be in here.
Kathryn:
“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to a Laser Saw?”
Fiona:
Yeah, it’s uh, it’s an inside joke.
Fiona starts flipping through the pages.
Fiona:
This is the notebook of a very smart person, she’s a theoretical physicist. She left me a notebook that I was supposed to write in and in the back there was a cheat sheet.
Kathryn:
A cheat sheet for what?
Fiona:
Okay, “Temporal Anomaly flow chart.”
Kathryn:
Flow chart?
Fiona:
Start from the beginning, tell me what happened?
Kathryn:
I had a fight with my mom last night. This morning she shows up at my flat, knocking on my door, and I don’t want to fucking hear it, so I ignore her, thinking she’ll give up and go home. And turn around for home she does. And then she showed up again... and again.
Fiona:
And it just kept happening.
Kathryn:
My front lawn was full of my mom. All of them knocking on my door, calling my phone... I tried to sneak out the back but they spotted me. I started running like it was a fucking zombie movie. Is that book of yours going to tell me why there’s an army of my mother?
Fiona:
Well, let’s see... Okay step one. “Do you have a temporal anomaly, yes/no” Yes. Going to this box: “Is time repeating itself? Yes/no.” Is time repeating itself?
Kathryn:
No, just my mom.
Fiona:
Moving to this box. “Are events presenting in multiples, i.e. multiplied incidents, multiplied people?” Oh, there we go, multiplied people that takes us to...
Kathryn:
This is fucked.
Fiona:
“Can the multiplying events interact? Yes/no.” Can your moms see each other?
Kathryn:
I don’t think so.
Fiona:
Okay, “No.” that takes us to... “Good news! This is an easily solvable problem.” Hey look at that.
Kathryn:
I’m ecstatic.
Fiona:
“These anomalies likely stem from an inflection point and can be addressed at their inflection point. Example: if you forgot to feed the cat and now have twenty cats. Time to feed the cat. Satisfy the inflection point for each anomaly. Forgot to feed the cat? Now you have to feed twenty cats.”
Kathryn:
Inflection point?
Fiona:
So your mom came over to your house this morning, right?
Kathryn:
Yeah.
Fiona:
And you didn’t talk to her.
Kathryn:
No.
Fiona:
... I think you have to talk to your mom.
Kathryn:
What?
Fiona:
I know it sounds crazy but how much crazier is it than the other crazy thing that’s happening.
Kathryn:
... Maybe she’ll just move on down the road.
Fiona:
All of them? I think there’s about twelve moms out there.
Kathryn:
... I hate talking to my mother so fucking much.
Fiona:
So much that it created a temporal anomaly, Kathryn.
Kathryn:
... I have to talk to all of them?
Fiona:
I think so.
Kathryn:
... The only way out is for me to talk to my mom twelve times?
Fiona:
By the fifth one, I’m sure it’ll be much easier.
Kathryn:
This is hell. Have I walked into hell?
Fiona:
No, just a really weird day. Weird days end. But it takes a little work.
Kathryn:
... She’s going to fucking love this.
Later. We hear the sizzle of the grill and fiona making a grilled cheese sandwich. She plates up the sandwich and walks into the dining area.
Fiona:
Kathryn?
Kathryn:
... It’s done.
Fiona:
How was that?
Kathryn:
I would say it was like pulling teeth but, all told, I’d much prefer the teeth pulling.
Fiona:
Not a great relationship with your mom?
Kathryn:
It’s Sisyphean, my mom and I. Always starting with the rock at the bottom of the hill, despite the effort.
Fiona:
At least you’re making the effort.
Kathryn:
I had given up on making an effort right around my 17th birthday, it was a hard maneuver to get back to it. At least next time I’ll only have to do it once... What have you got there?
Fiona:
Oh, I made you a grilled cheese sandwich.
Kathryn:
Well that should fix everything.
Fiona:
It’s kind of become my signature move. Sorry, you don’t have to eat it.
Kathryn:
Fiona, was it?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
Do you know what I’d like, Fiona?
Fiona:
What?
Kathryn:
I’d like to know why there was a dozen of my mom chasing me across Manchester this fine day, and I’d like to know why you seemed perfectly predisposed to solve the problem.
Peter walks into the dining area.
Kathryn:
Ah, and also I’d like to know why you seem to have a tiny robot as your little friend.
Fiona:
Right... Do you have a friend in your life who, whenever you talk to them, they seem to have some new weird thing going on?
Kathryn:
Oh, yes. That would be Sarah. We were in school together, she’s moved to London now but we talk every six months and there is always some sort of misadventure that ranges from a Dubai businessman trying to make her his concubine to a pigeon making making its home inside her flat and her being unable to evict the poor creature.
Fiona:
Okay, so imagine your friend Sarah, but as a place instead of a person... There’s always something very strange happening here.
Kathryn:
Like tiny robots and an army of moms.
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
The curious thing, Fiona, is that the business with the league of moms right then... That was exactly what I needed.
Fiona:
Really?
Kathryn:
I’ve a miserable time talking to her. And then I had to do it over and over again. By the time I was talking to the last of her it was as easy as talking a walk.
Fiona:
Yeah, that kind of happens to.
Kathryn:
It’s a fucking miracle, Fiona. She’s always having a go at me about some such. I drink too much, I smoke too much, I should think about my career, and then when I told her I sleep with women she absolutely went over a cliff.
Fiona:
... What was that last one?
Kathryn:
Have you got any drinks, Fiona? I feel I’ve earned a drink or ten.
Fiona:
Um, yes, kind of. Hang on.
Fiona runs behind the counter and brings up a box full of half full bottles.
Kathryn:
What have you got there?
Fiona:
This is a box full of bottles from all over the place, they’ve picked it up over the years, I guess. What do you usually drink on Earth- here, what do you drink around here?
Kathryn:
Do you have anything that resembles gin?
Fiona:
I don’t know, let’s see. Oh, check this out.
Fiona pulls a bottle out of the box.
Kathryn:
Is that vodka?
Fiona:
Kind of. Put your hands on the bottle.
Kathryn:
... It’s cold as ice.
Fiona:
I know, it always is. It stays this cold.
Kathryn:
What is it?
Fiona:
Apparently it’s called Shadow Daddy.
Kathryn:
That sounds a bit naughty, Fiona.
Fiona:
I know.
Kathryn:
Do you think it’s radioactive?
Fiona:
I don’t know.
Kathryn:
Only one way of finding out, I think.
Fiona:
I think there’s probably several ways but I think you’re saying we should drink it.
Kathryn:
I am, Fiona.
Fiona:
... Okay.
Fiona pour the shadow daddy into two coffee cups.
Kathryn:
Alright then. We’re going to drink whatever this may be, and then, assuming it doesn’t melt us from the inside, you, my new friend, are going to tell me your story from the beginning.
Fiona:
There’s no way you’re going to believe my story.
Kathryn:
Perhaps not by the first drink, but by the 2nd? The 3rd? Again, there’s only one way to find out... Cheers.
Fiona:
Cheers.
Later that day. Fiona pours two more drinks.
Fiona:
So... That’s my story.
Kathryn:
...
Fiona:
Now you’re sitting there looking at me like I’m insane, which is understandable. But honestly... that’s the first time I’ve actually recounted the whole thing and it feels... it feels good to say it, I... I can’t believe all of this has happened to me.
Kathryn:
Do you you have any idea how daft you sound.
Fiona:
Oh yes.
Kathryn:
There was a woman with ram’s horns?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
You were abducted from a Starbucks?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
You’re from a planet where it’s always 2012?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
And you hid in your freezer from space nazis?
Fiona:
I don’t know if Nazis is the right term, but they were definitely the bad guys.
Kathryn:
And you and this little friend of yours-
Fiona:
Peter.
Kathryn:
Peter. Peter and yourself have been off on your own little adventures.
Fiona:
For a year now.
Kathryn:
... You realize the only thing keeping me from calling you insane is that fact that there was an army of moms here earlier.
Fiona:
That does help, yes.
Kathryn:
... Do you mind if I attempt to insert some normalcy into this day?
Fiona:
Sure.
Kathryn:
Let’s talk about something normal and boring.
Fiona:
Great.
Kathryn:
You start us off.
Fiona:
Okay. So, your mom thinks you’re a loser.
Kathryn:
Well, that’s a harsh reading of events, Fiona, but it’s a hard one to argue with.
Fiona:
Why does she think that?
Kathryn:
A lack of motivation has been branded as the culprit. Even since I was a small thing I had no passion, no spark. Luckily that attitude in a young woman is quite fashionable. I thought about a career in fashion, actually, but I enjoy food a bit too much.
Fiona:
It’s nice that your mom cares at least.
Kathryn:
It really isn’t, Fiona. It’s an aggressive caring, the kind that only brings resentment. Is your mom not like this? Ah, wait. I’ve already forgotten. Fiona was created in a test tube or some such.
Fiona:
I was.
Kathryn:
So there’s no memory of a mother?
Fiona:
There is, but I don’t think it’s my memory. I think it was put there.
Kathryn:
What do you remember of her?
Fiona:
... If it’s alright, I think I’d rather not talk about it. It doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like... I don’t know, like a book you’re forced to read in school or something... It’s not a great feeling.
Kathryn:
Apologies... do you have a belly button?
Fiona:
What? Yes.
Kathryn:
It was in a movie I saw once. The test tube children had no belly buttons.
Fiona:
I have one.
Kathryn:
Are you sure? Have you really checked?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
I’ll take you at your word.
Fiona:
I’m not a freak.
Kathryn:
According to you, you were grown in a test tube at the behest of a malevolent space demon. I think that puts you squarely in the freak category.
Fiona:
That’s not very nice.
Kathryn:
You should embrace it. I have.
Fiona:
You’re not a freak.
Kathryn:
Am I not? I’ll show you.
Kathryn pulls up one side of her shirt.
Kathryn:
There. What’s that look like to you?
Fiona:
That’s the... side of your body.
Kathryn:
The scar, Fiona. Do you see it?
Fiona:
Oh. Yeah, what is that?
Kathryn:
When I was a girl I was riding with my dad on the back of his wildly unsafe Italian moped. Either he turned the wrong way or the car did, but regardless it hit us and decided to nearly take half my body with it. That is all that remains of one of my kidneys.
Fiona:
You had a kidney removed?
Kathryn:
I did... Have you heard the one about the man who got into an accident and lost the entire left side of his body?
Fiona:
No.
Kathryn:
He’s all right now.
Fiona:
... I’m sorry.
Kathryn:
I’ve come to love my scar. We go everywhere together... How about us? A couple of freaks. I like to focus on the advantages.
Fiona:
The advantages?
Kathryn:
Lost an adrenal gland as well. I can’t produce enough adrenaline and now, I don’t get nervous.
Fiona:
Really?
Kathryn:
Hardly ever. I should’ve been on stage, I’d never get stage fright.
Fiona:
Not being nervous sounds great.
Kathryn:
It is quite nice. It makes it quite easy to do all sorts of things.
Fiona:
Like argue with twelve versions of your mom?
Kathryn:
Like bare my midriff to an attractive woman.
Fiona:
...
Kathryn:
... Well I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone turn so red.
Fiona:
Oh God! Shut up!
Kathryn:
I don’t mean to embarrass you.
Fiona:
Oh, I think you do!
Kathryn:
All apologies. The day’s been such a weird one I was desperate to do something recognizable. So... drinking, flirting. Do you not do that?
Fiona:
I don’t know.
Kathryn:
Am I being untoward? Have I gotten my wires crossed? What is it you say in America? Am I barking up the wrong tree?
Fiona:
No- you’re- that’s- I’m- You-... You’re barking up the right tree... I’ve never... I’ve never been “barked up” before.
Kathryn:
... Well there’s a crime.
Fiona:
...
Kathryn:
... Shall we have another drink?
Fiona:
... Yes.
P3t3r:
Two minute warning.
Fiona:
Oh.... FUUUUCK!
Kathryn:
What is it?
Fiona:
What a fucking world!
Kathryn:
Fiona?
Fiona:
... You have to go.
Kathryn:
I have?
Fiona:
We’ve got two minutes!
Kathryn:
Until what?
Fiona:
Come on, I’m sorry, we have to go outside!
Kathryn:
Fiona-
Fiona:
Come on!
Fiona pulls kathryn into the parking lot.
Kathryn:
I thought things were going fairly well, Fiona, was it something I said?
Fiona:
I just told you a big long story about this place, weren’t you listening?
Kathryn:
I was a bit distracted as you were talking-
Fiona:
Stand here. Stand here, right outside the parking lot.
Kathryn:
You can’t be serious.
Fiona:
Kathryn. Time traveling dimension spanning diner. Did you think I was kidding?
Kathryn:
I thought you were speaking figuratively.
Fiona:
What could a time traveling dimension spanning diner be an analogy for?
Kathryn:
Really depends on the execution of the story I’d say-
Fiona:
Kathryn... Thank you... I felt... this felt like mine. That’s a new feeling for me.
Kathryn:
Fiona, come on-
Fiona:
Stay right here. I have to go inside, I still get vertigo when this happens, okay?
Kathryn:
Seriously?
Fiona:
Goodbye.
Fiona walks back inside.
Fiona:
... Goddamn it, Peter.
There is a crack in the air and the diner jumps.
Fiona:
... What do you feel like doing tonight, Peter? We should really get some board games.
Kathryn:
(Outside.) The FUCK?!?!?
Fiona:
Oh no... Oh NO...
Fiona runs out into the parking lot. As the sound of the diner fades and we begin to hear the sound of an old school bus starting its engines and then slowly pulling out of the parking lot.
Fiona:
Bye everybody! Good luck on the rest of your trip!
The school bus pulls away as fiona walks back inside. Kathryn is standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
Kathryn:
... Hello.
Fiona:
Hey... You’re up.
Kathryn:
Thank you for letting me stay back there.
Fiona:
It’s no problem.
Kathryn:
... Who’s room is that?
Fiona:
Gloria’s. She uh... this is her place, really. She’s gone now.
Kathryn:
... Because she was dispatched by a malevolent space god.
Fiona:
Hey, you were listening.
Kathryn:
... Who was here?
Fiona:
I don’t know, they were pretty wild. I told them they didn’t have to pay me but they insisted on paying me with, what I think can only be tabs of acid.
Kathryn:
Goodness.
Fiona:
Remind me to look up who The Merry Pranksters were... What can I do for you?
Kathryn:
... The problem with being someone who doesn’t experience a lot of fear, means you don’t really know how to handle it when fear finally shows up.
Fiona:
I understand. Of course, I understand.
Kathryn:
...
Fiona:
Can I make you some food? You should eat something.
Kathryn:
... a bit later.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kathryn:
... Is it going to travel again?
Fiona:
In a few minutes, yeah.
Kathryn:
I think I’ll just go back to bed, then.
Fiona:
Okay.
Kathryn:
... Would you come with me?
Fiona:
... Yes.
Libuza:
For the first time in her life as a real girl, the rag doll was touched, held, caressed. With each touch of a hand on her skin it was as though her skin came to be. Her skin became real- a thing to be touched, a thing to be known. Where before there were scraps of felt and coat buttons, there was now a woman. Feeling for the first time, breathing in and out for the first time, wanting someone of her own for the first time.
We hear the icy winds of the deep freeze. It’s one year later and Kathryn and fiona are feeding the wolves.
Kathryn:
Now, behave yourselves you hungry bastards. You there, get in the queue behind the others.
Fiona:
I’m a little upset that they like you more than they like me.
Kathryn:
It’s my wild nature that appeals to them. Isn’t that right, boys?
Jungkook barks.
Kathryn:
Junkook, you behave yourself, you menace.
Fiona:
Peter, play fetch with Jungkook, please.
P3t3r:
Playing fetch.
Kathryn:
Boys, look at your mum. Doesn’t she look dead sexy in a parka?
Fiona:
Shut up.
Kathryn:
She blossoms in the wintertime, that one. Like a camellia.
P3t3r:
Chronometer reading: 2 years.
Fiona:
... Wow.
Kathryn:
Fuck me, is it our anniversary?
Fiona:
I guess so.
Kathryn:
Well, you’re just as beautiful as the day I found you.
Fiona:
Thanks. You too.
Kathryn:
Of course I was shitting myself with fear on that day, so it’s all a bit of a haze. But still.
Fiona:
... I think you came along right before I was going to lose my mind... Sorry it made you lose yours a little bit.
Kathryn:
I’ve got it all back again. Here I am on an icy alien landscape feeding what appear to be wolves while a robot plays fetch. Doesn’t even phase me. So, how shall we celebrate this glorious day?
Fiona:
Sadly, I think we have to celebrate it by opening the front door.
Kathryn:
Ah. Duty calls, then. Alright you little miscreants, your moms are off to earn a living. Let’s see what the day has brought us, shall we?
We transition to the front of the diner. Fiona and Kathryn are looking out the front windows. We can hear the sounds of a bustling space station.
Kathryn:
Well now, this is new.
Fiona:
It’s a space station.
Kathryn:
Just floating out in the middle of nowhere?
Fiona:
There are these huge things out there in-between star systems, they’re like airports. People are heading all over the place.
Kathryn:
Look at all the fucking aliens. Look there, that one’s pink.
Fiona:
We’re in The Triad
Kathryn:
What’s that?
Fiona:
The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum. Three galaxies connected by a big superhighway of warp gates.
Kathryn:
How do you know?
Fiona:
Every station has a kind of food court, that’s where we are right now. If you look across the way there...
Kathryn:
Is that a fucking Taco Bell?
Fiona:
Yes.
Kathryn:
In fucking space?
Fiona:
Yes. People in the Triad are obsessed with Earth so they try and replicate Earth life as a kind of gimmick. Don’t eat tacos if they aren’t from Earth though, they haven’t figured them out yet.
Kathryn:
Oh, look at this fellow.
Fiona:
Wow.
Kathryn:
He’s as thin as a clump of asparagus.
Fiona:
I haven’t seen one of those before.
Kathryn:
How does something that thin get that tall?
Fiona:
In don’t know.
Kathryn:
It’s hesitating, do you think we have a customer?
Fiona:
I think so.
We hear the door chime as the alien walks in. As he walks in a small floating orb zips in and begins moving through the room scanning the surroundings.
Fiona:
Whoa.
Kathryn:
Hello there, welcome to Midnight Burger.
Voon:
Greetings. May I scan your establishment for relevant technologies?
Fiona:
I’m sorry?
Voon:
May I scan your establishment for relevant technologies?
Fiona:
Um...
Voon:
... You are both Earthlings.
Kathryn:
Born and bred.
Voon:
Fascinating.
Kathryn:
Isn’t it?
Voon:
I will recalibrate my introduction.
Fiona:
Okay.
Voon:
I am Voon. I come from the planet Urt.
Kathryn:
Hello there.
Voon:
I am a Galdram. In the common parlance I am known as a Sourcer. I am tasked with documenting alien technologies.
Fiona:
Oh.
Kathryn:
Not much technology under this roof.
Peter walks into the dining area.
Kathryn:
Aside from the tiny robot.
Voon:
Interesting. Would you mind?
Fiona:
Uh...
Voon:
My scans are non-invasive. Strictly for documentation purposes.
Fiona:
Uh, sure. I guess that’s fine.
Voon:
Thank you.
The floating orb begins circling around Peter.
Kathryn:
Voon, is it?
Voon:
Yes.
Kathryn:
I’m Kathryn, that’s Fiona.
Fiona:
Hi.
Voon:
Salutations.
Kathryn:
Who’s you’re little floating friend?
Voon:
That is Em. Em is my assigned Zengill. The implementation arm of my Sourcer systems.
Kathryn:
Hello there, Em.
Voon:
Em has no personality emulation.
Kathryn:
Do you?
Fiona:
So why are you scanning our robot, Voon?
Voon:
As a Sourcer, it is my mandate to identify relevant alien technologies and transmit this data back to my home world.
Kathryn:
Then what do you do with it?
Voon:
Ideally we improve our own technologies.
Em stops scanning peter and chirps out data to Voon.
Voon:
Curious. Your robot is bespoke.
Fiona:
It’s what?
Voon:
It has no known manufacturer.
Fiona:
Oh. No, someone made it.
Voon:
It contains technology from multiple regions and yet they are seamlessly integrated.
Kathryn:
He is a handsome devil, isn’t he?
Voon:
May I inquire as to its creator?
Fiona:
Uh, Leif is his name.
Voon:
Leif. Leif is an Earthling name.
Fiona:
It is.
Voon:
This unit was created by an Earthling?
Fiona:
Yes.
Voon:
May I speak with them?
Fiona:
He’s not here anymore.
Voon:
Unfortunate. Are there other units of his creation?
Fiona:
Uh, oh yeah, head out back.
Voon:
Thank you.
Voon and em head out the back door.
Kathryn:
Babe, is this alright for us to be invaded by aliens?
Fiona:
I don’t know, he’s so polite.
Kathryn:
He is quite gentlemanly, should be fine.
They all walk out the back door.
Fiona:
It’s over here, next to the dumpster.
Voon:
Oh, my.
Fiona:
Apparently it’s a space suit. I’ve never seen it used. They were stranded somewhere and so Ava got in the suit and investigated some sort of anomaly. I think that’s the story.
Em starts scanning ava’s old space suit.
Voon:
Well, this is very curious.
Fiona:
Is it?
Em spits out more data.
Voon:
The same implementation of multiple protocols though... well this is very strange, the processor appears to be ancient Sigian.
Fiona:
... Okay.
Voon:
This technology has not been available for... It is from the first era of the Original Coalition.
Fiona:
I don’t know what any of that means, Voon.
Voon:
Fiona, may I perform a deeper scan of your establishment? These idiosyncratic findings warrant deeper investigation.
Fiona:
Uh, Voon, the thing is...
Voon:
Yes?
Kathryn:
Who’s going to be the one to tell him?
Fiona:
You know what, Voon? Go for it, scan away. When you’re done you may want to sit down and have a cup of coffee.
Voon:
I do not require a beverage.
Kathryn:
Oh you will, my skinny friend.
Fiona:
Do whatever you need to do, Voon. We’ll be inside.
Voon:
My thanks.
Em begins spinning and EMITTING a very different sound as fiona and kathryn walk inside.
Kathryn:
Aren’t we supposed to be keeping a low profile until we can no longer help it?
Fiona:
It’s kind of a mixed bag in The Triad. In some universes, nobody’s heard of us and then in others everybody’s heard of us. I never know which one it is.
Kathryn:
Well he seems like a nice, incredibly tall and skinny man, I hope this place doesn’t melt his brain as it did mine.
Fiona:
Your brain doesn’t seem melted to me.
Kathryn:
Not any more than it was when I arrived.
Voon enters from the back.
Fiona:
How’s it going, Voon?
Voon:
I must contact my home world. Please excuse me.
Fiona:
Sure.
Voon walks out the front door.
Kathryn:
He’s on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, I can feel it.
Fiona:
Hey... it’s one year later. How are you feeling?
Kathryn:
I’ve taken to it all quite well, haven’t I?
Fiona:
I think so.
Kathryn:
It has been one very fine way of avoiding the question of what to do with my life.
Fiona:
It’s hard to make plans.
Kathryn:
This is a plan. In it’s way. If you had asked me before all this if I would like to travel time in space and sleep with a gorgeous woman at night, I would’ve said “Fucking sign me up.”... How about you? One year later.
Fiona:
... It’s been perfect.
Voon reenters the diner with several hovering containers following him.
Fiona:
Voon, what’s going on?
Kathryn:
Voon, are those your suitcases?
Voon:
Yes. These are my belongings... I must accompany you.
Fiona:
... What?
We hear the sound of the diner traveling again. We are on the roof now, and Voon is scanning Leif’s workshop.
Voon:
Fascinating. Both spatial and temporal manipulations, as well as several unidentified lattices of energy. This is... unexpected.
Fiona:
Have you ever seen anything like this?
Voon:
I’ve never seen anything like this nor have I seen anything like this roof. This man, Leif, you were saying that he resided on the roof?
Fiona:
Yeah, he lived up here and worked up here. He was always making some sort of gadget.
Voon:
It’s a fascinating assortment of chimeras.
Fiona:
Of what?
Voon:
Many different types of technologies, seemingly incompatible, turned into something greater than the sum of their parts. It’s quite brilliant.
Fiona:
Yeah, he was a pretty smart guy, apparently.
Kathryn:
So, Voon. Your home planet has the power to tell you that you... Well, there’s no other way of putting it... that you’re moving in?
Voon:
I greatly appreciate your accommodation, I realize this is very abrupt but I was informed by my home world that it was a rare opportunity. Please be assured that I will not be an imposition and that I shall use my accompanying technologies and expertise to increase your quality life here. To “pull my weight,” as they say on your planet.
Fiona:
Okay, uh, great. Voon, I have to say though, I don’t think Leif would want you to mess with his things too much.
Voon:
It would be impossible for me to interact with this technology, it is all protected by a very aggressive safeguard.
Kathryn:
Are you saying there’s booby traps up here, Voon?
Voon:
Not physical ones, but this entire system is guarded by a protocol known as Cognitohazard Expunged. A destructive protocol used mostly in underworld environments.
Fiona:
That sounds like Leif.
Voon:
There are many mysteries here... It may take a lifetime to unravel them.
Fiona:
Oh, this is just the half of it, Voon.
Voon:
Please explain.
The sound of the diner traveling is replaced by the howling winds of the deep freeze.
Voon:
A dimensional portal... In your food storage area.
Fiona:
Correct.
Kathryn:
... Do you need a moment, Voon?
Voon:
I may require several.
Kathryn:
As did I.
Voon:
... Em has detected no technology... This is not a simulated environment.
Kathryn:
Here comes the welcoming committee.
The wolves all rush to greet them.
Fiona:
It’s okay, Voon. They’re very nice.
Voon:
... There are denizens?
Fiona:
Uh, yes. There’s also two snow leopards out there somewhere but we added those later.
Voon:
... Leopards?
Kathryn:
Voon, you’re about as big around as my forearm, are you sure you don’t need a puffy jacket?
Voon:
Deploy habitation dome.
Em beeps and deploys a dome of warm air around them.
Fiona:
Wow.
Kathryn:
Well, look at you, Inspector Gadget.
Fiona:
It feels warm.
Kathryn:
I’ll run and get my beach ball.
Fiona:
You can just carry a spring day around in your pocket?
Voon:
Begging your pardon, Fiona. My habitation dome is not nearly the most astounding thing in this moment.
Fiona:
I guess we’ve gotten used to it all.
Voon:
Used to it?... What is this place?
We move further in the future. The diner has just landed and Kathryn is looking out the window.
Kathryn:
Love, we’ve landed on Earth again, it’s time to play our game.
Fiona:
(From the kitchen.) Ooh, okay hang on!
Kathryn:
I’m ready to make my choice.
Fiona:
Okay, go.
Kathryn:
... 1995.
Fiona:
‘95? No way.
Kathryn:
I’ve made my choice.
Fiona:
I think you’re making a mistake, I don’t think there were any Shakey’s Pizzas left by the 90s.
Kathryn:
I’ve made my choice.
Fiona:
Okay... I’m going to say 1981.
Kathryn:
You’re dead wrong. It feels like the 90s.
Fiona:
You weren’t even alive in the 90s.
Kathryn:
Technically you were only alive in 2012, what do you know about it?
Fiona:
Okay. Only time will tell.
A voice starts to come out of the radio.
Brickhouse:
(In the radio.) Tower, this is Dark-1, moving to cruising altitude. Keep your home fires burning.
Kathryn:
The fuck was that?
Fiona:
I don’t know.
Kathryn:
I thought that radio was broken.
Fiona:
Me too.
Brickhouse:
Tower, I have reached cruising altitude. Beginning wide band search. Will advise...
Fiona:
Hello?
Kathryn:
Are you trying to talk to a man in the radio?
Fiona:
You don’t know how normal that actually is... Hello?
Kathryn:
... Shall we have Voon take a look at it?
Fiona:
He’s gone on a little mission, remember?
Kathryn:
Has he?
Fiona:
I told him I had heard that there was some sort of technology deep in the deep freeze. It takes a couple of days to get there so he’s on a long weekend.
Kathryn:
When is he back?
Fiona:
Any time now, I think.
Brickhouse:
Tower, this is Dark-1 in wide band search. Commencing night watch.
Fiona:
Hello?... Weird.
Kathryn:
Do you think he’s trapped in the tiny radio?
Fiona:
You have no idea how normal that is either.
Kathryn:
It’s most likely some signal bouncing off of something somewhere. We’ll have Voon take a look once he’s back.
Fiona:
I guess it’s nice to have our own smartypants knowitall these days, isn’t it?
Kathryn:
Absolutely. We’ll leave it to him to suss out the complicated things which means we’ll go back to what we do best which is of course, being charming and looking fabulous.
Fiona:
Sounds good.
Kathryn:
Oh, look at this. We appear to have someone diner-curious in the parking lot.
Fiona:
He looks confused.
Kathryn:
... How do you suppose he got in that wheelchair?
Fiona:
I don't know, but you cannot make that the first thing you ask him if he comes inside.
Kathryn:
Now why do you feel you have to warn me about that?
Fiona:
Kathryn, sometimes your whole “cut to the chase” thing is just taken as insensitivity.
Kathryn:
Sometimes it is insensitivity.
Fiona:
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Kathryn:
Are there any other topics I should avoid should he come inside?
Fiona:
Probably, my love.
Fiona walks out into the parking lot.
Fiona:
Hey there.
Philip:
Evening.
Fiona:
Can I help you with something?
Philip:
No, sorry. There used to be a VA here.
Fiona:
Oh, really?
Philip:
Yeah, I haven't been around for a while, though. Y'all have any idea where it moved to?
Fiona:
We, uh, we just opened. We're not too familiar with the neighborhood either.
Philip:
Alright.
Fiona:
Are you okay? Do we need to figure out a way to get you to a hospital?
Philip:
No, it's nothing like that. I've been out of town for a long time and there's always some bullshit I gotta deal with at the VA so I usually try and come by when I can. Y'all got a phone book inside so I can look up where they moved to?
Fiona:
A phone book? Uh, no, sorry. We do have coffee, though. Can I get you some?
Philip:
Yeah, that'd be all right.
Fiona:
I’m Fiona.
Philip:
Captain Phillip Buck. Pleased to meet you.
Fiona:
Come on in, Captain.
Philip and Fiona walk inside the diner.
Philip:
Nice place.
Kathryn:
Good evening, Soldier Boy.
Philip:
Ma'am.
Fiona:
Anywhere you like, I'll get you some coffee.
Philip:
Thank you.
Kathryn:
I'm Kathryn.
Philip:
Philip.
Kathryn:
So tell me, Soldier, how’d you end up in the chair?
Fiona:
Kathryn!
Kathryn:
What?
Philip:
It’s alright. I know it's the first question on everybody's mind anyway. I appreciate you getting it out of the way.
Kathryn:
Don't mention it.
Philip:
Plane crash.
Kathryn:
Sounds nasty.
Philip:
Mercifully, I just woke up in the hospital.
Kathryn:
What was wrong with your plane?
Philip:
All sorts of things, probably. I'm a test pilot so they're never working perfectly when I get them airborne.
Kathryn:
Must be hard to come back from that.
Philip:
Well, in the Air Force we have a saying.
Kathryn:
What's that?
Philip:
“At least I'm not in the army.”
Fiona puts his coffee down on the table.
Fiona:
Here you go. How about a grilled cheese sandwich?
Philip:
That sounds all right.
Fiona:
Okay.
Philip:
(To Kathryn.) You come here a lot?
Kathryn:
Oh, I work here. Fiona and I, we run the place together.
Philip:
Together?
Kathryn:
That's right.
Philip:
Y'all sisters?
Kathryn:
Well, no, Philip. No, we're not.
Philip:
... Okay.
Kathryn:
Okay?
Philip:
Okay.
Kathryn:
You sure you're okay, Philip?
Philip:
Hey it's the modern world isn't it? 1981.
Fiona:
(From the kitchen.) Nailed it.
Kathryn:
Fuck.
The door to the Deep Freeze opens and Voon comes walking through.
Voon:
Fiona, I’ve discovered something.
Fiona:
Voon! Sh sh sh sh sh, come here!
Voon:
What is it?
Fiona:
We’re on Earth 1981, we need you to lay low.
Voon:
I see.
Fiona:
Stay here in the kitchen.
Voon:
I shall.
Fiona:
What did you discover?
Voon:
The technology you told me of, I discovered it on the shore of an ocean. It is technology from my planet.
Fiona:
From Urt?
Voon:
Indeed. It’s very curious. Have any other Urts visited the diner?
Fiona:
Not that I know of.
Voon:
How strange. I’ll need to make a full report, I shall retire to the roof so as not to... what was that term you use?
Fiona:
Spook the locals.
Voon:
Yes. I shall avoid that.
Fiona:
Okay. Wait, no.
Voon:
No?
Fiona:
I forgot, the radio was making weird transmissions. Can you monitor it with your little floating guy?
Voon:
Em is not a guy.
Fiona:
It’s an Earth expression.
Voon:
Shall I stay in the kitchen and monitor from here?
Fiona:
Is that okay?
Voon:
Of course.
Fiona:
You’re the best.
Fiona walks back into the dining room.
Fiona:
Phil, do you want fries with your grilled cheese?
Philip:
Sounds good to me.
Fiona:
Okay.
Brickhouse:
(In the radio.) All’s quiet up here, Tower. Shall we play that fun game where I talk so much that you institute radio silence?
Fiona:
Oh, sorry about that. There’s something wrong with our radio, it’s picking up a weird signal.
Brickhouse:
How about I lead us in a singalong?
Fiona:
It’s weird, right?
Philip:
I know that guy.
Fiona:
... What?
Philip:
That’s... I know that voice.
Brickhouse:
What do you think tower? “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” or “They Call the Wind Mariah?”
Kathryn:
Is that a friend of yours?
Philip:
Yeah, we used to fly together, what the hell is he doing coming through your radio?
Brickhouse:
Tower, can you read me?
Fiona:
I don’t know, the radio wasn’t even working.
Philip:
The fuck is going on?
Fiona:
I don’t know.
Brickhouse:
Phil?
Philip:
... Can he hear me?
Fiona:
I don’t know.
Philip:
... Brickhouse, is that you?
Brickhouse:
Bucky, what are you doing in the tower, man?
Philip:
I’m not... I’m not in the tower you’re coming through an old radio.
Brickhouse:
What the hell is that about?
Philip:
I don’t know.
Brickhouse:
So you’re just picking up a stray frequency?
Philip:
... I guess?
Brickhouse:
This reminds me when we were testing the Blackbird, right?
Philip:
Right.
Brickhouse:
That guy on a HAM radio gets on our frequency and starts chatting us up. Had no idea he was talking to two guys in a top secret plane.
Philip:
We told him we were Braniff pilots.
Brickhouse:
Flying into South Fork.
Philip:
Where there is no airport.
Brickhouse:
... This is fucking weird, man.
Philip:
Yeah, I don’t know how to explain it.
Brickhouse:
Also, how come I can talk to you, but I can’t reach the tower right now?
Philip:
No idea.
Brickhouse:
Tower, can you read me?
Philip:
What are you flying?
Brickhouse:
Don’t take this personally, but it’s the SRX.
Philip:
Oh really?
Brickhouse:
Sorry, buddy.
Philip:
The plane that almost killed me.
Brickhouse:
Don’t worry, they fixed the landing gear.
Philip:
Oh, they did?
Brickhouse:
Yeah.
Philip:
There were about fifty things wrong with that plane.
Brickhouse:
Forty-nine now.
Philip:
Shit.
Brickhouse:
It was kind of a rush job, but they needed the fastest thing they could find and they needed it right now.
Philip:
What’s going on?
Brickhouse:
Stupid bullshit.
Philip:
What is it?
Brickhouse:
... You’ve still got code word clearance, right?
Philip:
Yeah.
Brickhouse:
... They’re losing planes over New Mexico.
Philip:
Losing them?
Brickhouse:
Yeah, look, it’s nonsense. They’ve lost a few planes and there’ve been some weird stories, so they sent me up here in this thing.
Philip:
To do what?
Brickhouse:
To... To chase it.
Philip:
It?
Brickhouse:
Look, we’ve all got stories, we’ve all seen things. I don’t know why they’re freaking out about this.
Philip:
What are you chasing?
Brickhouse:
It’s just ghosts in the sky, man. Before the planes were lost, there were reports about seeing something that was a triangle, then a square, then a triangle again?
Philip:
Whoa.
Brickhouse:
It’s bullshit. So they sent something real fast up here, to see if I can catch it.
Philip:
Sounds like some bullshit to me, man.
Brickhouse:
Bucky, are you insinuating that the United States Air Force is being run improperly?
Voon moves into the dining room.
Kathryn:
Voon!
Voon:
I’m sorry, I must speak.
Philip:
What the fuck?
Voon:
I’m very sorry.
Philip:
What the fuck is that!
Voon:
Please listen to me.
Philip:
What the fuck is that!
Fiona:
Phil, it’s okay.
Voon:
It’s very important.
Philip draws a gun.
Kathryn:
Philip!
Fiona:
Phil, put the gun away!
Philip:
You stay the fuck away from me, what the fuck is that thing?
Voon:
I mean you no harm. There is no need for a weapon.
Philip:
You want to fucking bet? Why is it talking to me?
Voon:
Your friend is in danger.
Philip:
You’re the one who’s in danger, motherfucker, stay the fuck back!
Voon:
He must abandon his mission, he is in grave danger.
Brickhouse:
Bucky, you still there?
Philip:
... What do you mean?
Voon:
He has reported that he is unable to communicate with his primary, and reports a craft that appears both square and triangular.
Philip:
... Yeah?
Voon:
It will appear behind him and it will chase him until his fuel supply is nearly at an end... they will then destroy his craft.
Philip:
Who is “they?”
Voon:
They are called the Okwera. They are very dangerous.
Brickhouse:
Holy shit, I’ve got something on my six, Tower, do you read me? I’ve got something on my six! It came out of nowhere.
Philip:
Brickhouse, can you still read me?
Brickhouse:
Bucky, I can’t reach the tower... Bucky?
Philip:
What’s he supposed to do?
Voon:
He must place his craft under automatic control and then abandon it. If he is separated from his craft, he will no longer be a valuable target... My name is Voon. I mean you no harm.
Brickhouse:
Holy shit... Holy shit, I can see it. I take it all back, I can see it... Jesus.
Philip:
... Nick, you’ve got to ditch.
Brickhouse:
What?
Philip:
Hit auto-pilot and then ditch. They won’t chase you, just the plane.
Brickhouse:
I’m not even on Mach 1, I can try outrun it.
Voon:
He cannot.
Philip:
You can’t.
Brickhouse:
What do you know about this that I don’t?
Philip:
... Nick, you’ve just got to trust me, Okay?... Look at that thing behind you. Does it look like a friendly to you?
Brickhouse:
... Engaging autopilot. Holy shit, it’s getting closer- it’s right on my tail. You better be right about this, Bucky.
Philip:
(To Voon.) You better be right about this.
Brickhouse:
Holy shit, here I go. Holy shit. Ditching.
We hear the sound of the cockpit blowing and then a rush of wind as Brickhouse’s plane speeds away being pursued by the alien craft.
Philip:
Nick? Nick are you still there?
Brickhouse:
I'm in the breeze. I'm in the breeze. That was several million dollars of research I just bailed on Bucky, I hope you're right about this.
We hear the sound of the alien craft shooting down Brick House's plane.
Brickhouse:
Oh fuck!... It just shot me down. It just shot the plane down. Oh fuck, good call, Bucky.
BrickHouse's signal begins to fade out.
Brickhouse:
All right, man. I've got several minutes before I hit the ground. You want to tell me what the fuck is going on right now-
Philip:
Nick?... Nick are you still there?
Voon:
He is safe now.
Philip:
...
Voon:
...
Fiona:
Phil. I know this is a lot. I know this is insane... Can you do me a favor and just put the gun down?... We’re just people, Phil... We’re just people trying to help... We’re just people...
Peter walks out of the kitchen.
Fiona:
And... And a robot. A tiny robot.
Philip:
... What is this place?
We hear the sound of the diner traveling. We are in the parking lot. FIona walks into the parking lot.
Fiona:
... Phil, are you okay out here?
Philip:
Yeah, I’m good.
Fiona:
Okay. I still have a hard time being out here too long when we’re traveling. I get vertigo pretty easily.
Philip:
Try looking at your finger and then following your finger without moving your head.
Fiona:
Okay.
Philip:
Also don’t make sudden head movements.
Fiona:
Okay.
Philip:
Also drink more water. That’s a solution for most things.
Fiona:
Thanks.
Philip:
Take it from a guy who’s lost the horizon more times than he’s had a hot breakfast.
Fiona:
... Any buyer’s remorse?... I was serious when I said there’s no going back.
Philip:
... I’m good... At least I’m flying again.
Fiona:
... Yeah.
We move back to thegrion. Dr. Caberant walks in the door, ready to start the day’s proceedings.
Dr. Caberant:
Hello, hello! Another year!
Kathryn:
Good morning, Doctor.
Dr. Caberant:
Kathryn, how are you doing?
Kathryn:
I’m well, are you ready for another stressful day?
Dr. Caberant:
Always, Kathryn, always. Where is our girl?
Fiona:
Hey Doctor.
Dr. Caberant:
Hello, Fiona.
Voon:
Greetings.
Dr. Caberant:
Oh my!
Fiona:
Doctor, this is Voon, he’s new. Voon, this is Doctor Caberant.
Voon:
I am pleased to meet you, Doctor.
Dr. Caberant:
Well, look at you. Hello there.
Voon:
May I scan your planet for relevant technologies?
Dr. Caberant:
Relevant technologies? Well, I don’t see why not.
Voon:
It is greatly appreciated.
Em zips out into the dining room and begins circling around Dr. Caberant.
Dr. Caberant:
Well, look at this little thing, isn’t that fascinating.
Fiona:
Also, this is Philip.
Philip:
Hey there, Doc. How are you doing?
Dr. Caberant:
Oh, “Doc,” I love that. Hello there, Philip. Well, this is quite a full house you have here, Fiona.
Fiona:
It’s a nice little group.
Dr. Caberant:
Wonderful.
Fiona:
Also joining us is this handsome devil.
Fiona fires up an espresso machine.
Dr. Caberant:
Oh! What is that?
Fiona:
This, is the Faema E61, Doctor.
Dr. Caberant:
What do you do with it?
Fiona:
It makes coffee.
Dr. Caberant:
Alright, good, we like coffee.
Fiona:
But it does so much more than that.
Dr. Caberant:
Do tell.
Fiona:
Okay, espresso at the bottom, and then we add the milk.
Dr. Caberant:
This is very fancy.
Fiona:
Here you go.
Dr. Caberant:
Alright, here we go.
Dr. Caberant sips the coffee.
Dr. Caberant:
... Oh my.
Fiona:
Right?
Dr. Caberant:
That is really something.
Fiona:
It really is.
Dr. Caberant:
I didn’t know coffee could taste like this.
Fiona:
Still just coffee and milk, but the Faema does something magical.
Dr. Caberant:
It truly does... Well, with all these new folks and this new contraption, the Age of Fiona is shaping up quite well, isn’t it?
Fiona:
The Age of Fiona?
Dr. Caberant:
Yes, you know I never explained this to Caspar, he was never one for small talk, each new proprietor of the diner marks a new age for us.
Fiona:
Each new... I don’t understand.
Dr. Caberant:
We’re currently in The Age of Fiona. Before you was the age of Caspar, before him was The Age of Cody McClure. Then there was the first age- the Age of Marissa.
Fiona:
Marissa?
Dr. Caberant:
Yes. That’s how it all began for us. You see, we were suffering from a terrible plague about a thousand years ago. We could find no cure for it and were nearly wiped off the face of the planet. We were reduced to small, isolated communities around the globe. A couple of generations later, we had developed an immunity to the disease, but the isolation and suspicion had now become engrained in our culture. Then, one day a man named Monad Nik found the diner, walked inside, and there was Marissa. Now, they didn’t speak the same language, so it was a bit difficult, but Marissa was a practitioner in a sacred art known as ESL. Year after year, Marissa would return and teach Monad-Nik more of her language and gave him sacred texts to learn while she was away. Monad Nik began to teach this language to others, and, long story short, that’s what we needed to come back together as a society: A common language that didn’t belong to any community.
Fiona:
Oh my god.
Dr. Caberant:
Wonderful story, isn’t it?
Fiona:
So Caspar wasn’t the first one here?
Dr. Caberant:
Oh no, not at all. Not according to our history, anyway.
Fiona:
Wow.
Dr. Caberant:
So, are we all ready to go?
Fiona:
Um. Yeah. Yeah, we’re ready when you are.
Dr. Caberant:
Alright, here we go, Fiona!
Later that day. Kathryn is in the parking lot. Fiona comes out to meet her with peter following.
Fiona:
Hey, there you are. Is everything okay, you usually like hanging out with the Thegronis.
Kathryn:
I’m alright.
Fiona:
You’ve... You’ve been a little distant for a while now, actually. What’s going on?
Kathryn:
Nothing, I’m fine.
Fiona:
Baby, come on.
Kathryn:
It’s a bit more crowded in there, is all.
Fiona:
It’s the same number of people as last time... Oh... You’re not talking about the Thegronis...
Kathryn:
... Just seemed a bit simpler when it was just the two of us.
Fiona:
Yeah, I know but... this is life, this is how it works.
Kathryn:
How would you know how life works?
Fiona:
Kathryn-
We hear the distant sound of a mystery man teleporting.
Kathryn:
... I’m sorry I didn’t-
Fiona:
Shh.
Kathryn:
... What is it?
Fiona:
I need you to go inside. Tell Phil and Voon to come outside. Keep the Thegronis inside.
Kathryn:
What’s happening-
Fiona:
Right now.
Kathryn goes inside. Fiona waits and listens.
Fiona:
Peter, zone defense.
P3t3r:
Zone Defense.
Peter steps in front of fiona. Phil, Voon, and Kathryn come outside.
Philip:
What’s going on?
Voon:
We are told there is an emergency.
Fiona:
It’s... it’s the bad guys.
Philip:
The bad guys?
Kathryn:
Fiona, what do you mean?
Fiona:
I... I thought they couldn’t find us.
Voon:
Fiona, are we under attack?
Fiona:
... I think so.
Kathryn:
What?
Philip:
Heads up.
A lone mystery man approaches.
Philip:
Now, who the fuck is this?
The mystery man stops.
Mystery Man:
Did you think you could hide from us?
Voon:
Deploy tactical dome.
Em begins circling the “battlefield.”
Voon:
I am unclear of your intentions. But I am currently assessing your technology and your weaknesses. Aggression is not recommended.
Phil cocks his handgun.
Philip:
But hell, don’t let us stop you.
After a moment, several more Mystery men teleport into the parking lot. They are outnumbered.
Fiona:
Kathryn, go inside... Kathryn.
Philip:
Alright then... let’s get it on.
There is another moment of tension and then all hell breaks loose. The mystery men open fire, philip fires his gun, Peter fires his laser, and em rains down multiple shots from above. We fade on the CACOPHONY of sound as we begin to hear the sound of the diner traveling. We are on the roof.
Voon:
Dictation.
Em zips over to him.
Voon:
Sourcer ID 5850-Trinary... As a general overview of my time here, I am of two minds. Since my arrival at my terminus mission, I have been able to document an outsized amount of technologies, both for archival and advancement purposes. Far more than if I were to conduct missions in a traditional format. As directed, I have transmitted my findings when in an environment where networks are available. This work has been extremely satisfying. However there is an overarching project that I have self-assigned, and this project’s completion has proven to be elusive... We have been here before. What is Urt’s relationship to this anomalous craft? Additionally, is this a craft? Additionally, is this technology?... If I am correct in my assessment of a previous Urt presence at this location, I am requesting all pertinent records. End dictation.
We hear a newly-installed wheelchair lift activate.
Philip:
Coming up.
Voon:
Good evening, Captain.
Philip:
Are we calling this evening?
Voon:
My thinking was that, considering we are all circadian beings, referring to a definitive night and day would help bring normalcy.
Philip:
Okay, cool. Good evening to you then.
Philip has now reached the roof.
Philip:
This elevator thing is working real good, Voon.
Voon:
I am pleased. It’s assembly was quite simple.
Philip:
How are things up here?
Voon:
The work continues... Have you done a recent assessment of Fiona’s emotional state?
Philip:
She’s a little fucked up right now, but she’ll be alright.
Voon:
I have yet to fully understand the reason for Kathryn’s departure.
Philip:
Oh yeah?
Voon:
Surely this mode of existence is a highly stimulating and enriching environment. Why would someone prefer less of this stimulation?
Philip:
I hear you... I did test flight training on an f-104. Real fast plane. I took it over Mach 2... One time I was in an adventurous mood and I took it all the way up top. Thirty thousand meters. I flipped it, and looked down at the earth... like touching the hand of God. For me that was a transformation. I was a new man when my wheels were down on the ground... And for someone else, they would’ve shit their pants, passed out, and swore to never get into a plane again... Your heaven is somebody’s hell, no matter how great it may feel to you.
Voon:
Is there anything we can do to assuage her current symptoms?
Philip:
No, there’s no cure for something like that. She’ll be alright though. All good in the long run, struggle is important... Anyway, I brought you one of those avocado sandwiches that you like. I know you’re working.
Voon:
Thank you, Captain.
Philip:
And thank you again for the lift. Nice being up here.
Voon:
Of course... Captain?
Philip:
Yeah.
Voon:
If I may, it is also within my means to employ various technologies so that you may... so that you may walk. These would be improvised field solutions but certainly employable...
Philip:
...
Voon:
If you would like.
Philip:
... Struggle is important, Voon.
Voon:
... I understand.
We move down to the dining area. Fiona is playing the ione again. This time she plays it even more masterfully than last time.
Libuza:
Time, loneliness, love, happiness, struggle, friendship, heartbreak. Each of them like a blade, cutting away the strings and cloth, revealing the flesh beneath it all. “This skin, it hurts me more,” thought the rag doll. “But this skin is mine. Worth the pain, worth the loneliness. And now, what to do with it?”
Peter approaches fiona at a booth.
P3t3r:
Chronometer reading: Eight years.
Fiona:
... Jesus Christ...
Fiona puts down the ione, and speaks to the diner.
Fiona:
They say that Gloria listens to you... is that true?... I’ve wanted to say all sorts of things to you all this time, but I think I was afraid that... that you’d answer or something... There are people who need us, you know... We left people behind and I think we’re their only hope... so what are we doing?... Can you tell me what we’re doing?... You saved me from a really horrible place, but those people that you... I don’t know... love? They’re out there and they need you, but instead it’s all of this... and I’m really confused... And I’m really heartbroken and... I don’t understand the point... And I couldn’t say that before. I was just this directionless lump, I was somebody’s experiment, I was a repository of fake memories... I was a barista in 2012 for I don’t know how long, I was just... I was a thing... I’m a person now. I’m a person now and I can stand here on my own two feet and I can say to you what the fuck?!... What is this all... about...
You... You knew all that... I was walking through the diner with Peter’s instructions in my hand and you... I didn’t have a history... I didn’t have anything that was mine and you knew that... you gave me a history. One that was mine... Is that what this was?... This whole time, is that what this was?...
After a long moment, the diner lands again. We hear the sound of waves crashing on a beach. Fiona walks outside.
Fiona:
(From outside.) Gloria?
The end