You’re going to hyperventilate, dude.

I’m fine.

Number one cause of death in space is hyperventilation, one of those nasty statistics that no one pays attention to.

There’s no way the number one cause of death in space is hyperventilation.

Not the hyperventilation itself, but what comes after. Do you know what comes after?

A Bar Mitzva?

Unconsciousness. Then death. Death caused by, I’m just spitballing here, floating off into space while unconscious.

I thought the point of programs like you were to help.

I think warning you of imminent death is very helpful.

I just have to reconnect this one thing and we’ll be good as new.

I strongly object to the terminology “Good as new”.

Message from BertBert, would you like to hear it?

What the hell does she want?

Maybe she wants to warn you about the dangers of extra-vehicular repairs in deep space.

Play the message.

Hey Leif. I was just leaving a new tech expo on Urt and I thought I’d send you message. Where are you right now? Has that old ship of yours killed you yet?

No, but give him a few minutes.

Listen. We’ve gotten off on the wrong foot twice now, and it’s kind of bugging me. Is it bugging you?… I don’t know… We’re a driven people, the Sigians. We don’t like being told no. It kind of makes us tough to be around, we can be jerks. Maybe I was kind of a jerk. Both times. I mean, you were too. Sorry, shouldn’t have said that… I had an agenda, Leif. Both times I had an agenda and maybe that’s not the best way to make friends. Anyway, this has been BertBert’s poorly constructed apology. Hope you enjoyed it. Give me a call sometime. If we’re in the same quadrant we should get together. I promise no agenda this time. Call me.

I don’t know, still kinda seems like she has an agenda.

I should probably respond in case I die.

Now you take precautions.

Hey there BertBert. So, first thing: I got my ship up and running. I can recall a certain someone who said it was impossible. I promise not to lord that over you too much. Then I had to learn how to fly it.

I had to learn how to fly it.

Alice was very helpful in learning how to fly it.

I consolidated the data packets, he said “go that way”.

And then, all of a sudden, I had a spaceship. Every little boy’s dream, right? Well, turns out I had no idea where to go. There’s a billion places out there and now I had to pick one. How do you pick one? Kind of explains why people stay put most of their lives. “Where to first?” Can be a pretty paralyzing question when you can choose from anything in the sky. For whatever reason it came to me. Barnard 68. Have you been? It’s a dark nebula. Trillions and trillions of sub-micron sized particles that block out starlight. It’s half a light year wide, a big blob of nothing… and I’m looking at it right now. It’s a sight to behold. When you see it from earth it looks terrifying. In the middle of a field of stars you suddenly see a deliberate darkness. Completely black. You feel like it’s looking at you, like the void is staring back. But I have to say, now that I’m seeing it with my own two eyes, it’s beautiful. All those trillions of particles in there are pushing and pulling against each other. Gravity pulls them in, inertia pulls them apart. The whole thing moves like a big black ocean. One day, gravity will finally get the upper hand and the whole thing will start collapsing in on itself and turn into a star where there used to be darkness. Not a bad universe, this one. Anyway, yeah we should get together sometime. Don’t worry about having agendas. I like that you have agendas, it keeps me on my toes. Small problem: I may be dead before we have a chance to do that. Because as I talk to you I am in a space suit, clinging to the outside of my ship, trying to fix a broken thruster… it’s my first space walk… it’s totally terrifying but honestly, after seeing Barnard 68 with my own two eyes and only a thin layer of glass between us… I may never go back inside… I’m going to continue clinging to my ship while I plug this thruster back into the power system. If it DOESNT explode, then sure let’s grab a drink sometime. Talk to you soon.

Okay. Moment of truth. Do you need to say any prayers to your robot gods?

I’m fully backed up back on Trusk. You die, I reboot.

That’s hardly fair.

Welcome to the Triad.

Yeah, fine. 3…2…1…

Hey BertBert. Alice has convinced me that my last message may have been a bit traumatizing and that it was mean of me to send it.

You’re welcome.

So here I am sending you another one. I’m fine. We didn’t blow up.

But…

We did have to do a bit of a crash landing on a nearby planet though. Nothing to worry about, we just need a new core stabilizer. The ship is in dry dock right now being repaired and we should be up and running in a few hours. Let me get everything sorted here and I’ll call you in a few days okay? Bye.

There, you happy?

So, your first message was mean because it was too honest and that one was mean because it was full of lies.

It’s fine.

This is a deserted planet, your ship is not in dry dock.

We’ll be fine.

How, exactly?

I don’t know… I like this stuff. I just crash landed on a deserted planet in my spaceship. I like it. I like having problems to solve. I feel a little weird when I don’t have a problem to solve.

Do crossword puzzles.

Don’t worry about it, we’ll be fine. What do we know about this planet?

DD-263.

That’s not very poetic. What does the DD stand for?

“Developmental Designate”. If something has a DD on it, it’s been targeted for development by The Teds.

Developed into what?

It means at some point they’re going to turn the nearby star into a warp gate. They designate it DD to keep any settlements from popping up.

They can just do that?

They can.

I guess that’s not so bad. This place looks pretty dead anyway WHOA-

Ow! Shit!

Uh… hi.

Hi.

I thought this planet was deserted.

Me too.

So what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

(Speaking alien language.) Deesh?… Deesh… Nin… Vapus Vella.

…Hi.

Didn’t we do this already?

I’m Leif.

Okay.

What’s in the crates?

What crates?

The crates you’re leaning on right now.

I don’t see any crates.

There’s… like five of them.

I don’t see any crates and neither do you.

Oh… Ohhhhhhhhhhh… Are you doing crimes?

Who the fuck are you?

I’m Leif.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Crash landed. Just over that ridge.

Uh-huh.

…Do you see those two rocks up on the ridge?

Yeah.

WHOA whoa whoa whoa whoa, no need to point that at me.

I’m not convinced.

I’m just a guy, I promise.

I’m trying to conduct some business. Then my ride doesn’t show, then some random guy quote-unquote “crash lands” right after that. I think I’ve got all kinds of reasons to point this at you.

Just a coincidence, I swear. Do I look like the kind of guy that needs a gun pointed at him?

Everyone has a reason to have a gun pointed at them.

That’s an interesting perspective. Look… see? Unarmed. No weapons on me. Okay?

What are you doing in this system?

It was the closest place to crash land. I was sightseeing, I wanted to get a look at Barnard 68.

At what?

The nebula.

Who the fuck calls it Barnard 68?

Earthlings. I’m from Earth.

There are now so many parts of your story that are unbelievable, I don’t even know where to start.

Don’t I look like an Earthling?… What kind of gun is that?

What’s wrong with your ship?

Bad core stabilizer.

Really?

Is it a plasma gun?

Well it’s not a hair dryer.

…

…

Is it time to stop pointing the gun at me yet?

What kind of ship?

A Truskan Selig.

Are you kidding?

What?

Did you steal it from a museum?

What are you talking about? It runs great.

You just crash landed.

There’s a few kinks.

…

…

There’s an earth word: destiny.

Sure.

Do you believe in it?

No.

Me neither. But, I’m on a deserted planet without a ship, your ship crash lands here, you’ve got a bad core stabilizer and I’m standing here with five crates of guess what?

… No way. Core stablizers?

It’s true.

What are the odds of that?

Honestly pretty good. Core stabilizers go out all the time, that’s why they’re in such high demand.

And why they fetch such a good price on the black market?

… I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Yeah, okay.

I’ll put one of these core stabilizers in your ship if you take the rest of them where they need to go. Deal?

Deal.

Nice to meet you, Leif.

What’s your name?

Don’t worry about it.

How the fuck did an Earthling get off world?

I’m a crafty guy, I figured it out.

You figured it out.

Yeah.

Your people pat themselves on the back when they go to their moon a few times, but you figured out interstellar travel.

I mean, how hard is it really?

Whatever.

So where are you from?

Seriously?

What?

Nothing. I’m not from anywhere.

Everybody’s from somewhere.

Not me.

… Where are we headed?

Red’s Rectangle.

What’s that?

That’s where the buyer is.

Who’s the buyer?

Don’t worry about it. I need to make some changes to your system.

Uh, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.

It’s fine.

How do I know it’s fine?

I’m on board this ship, why would I do something to fuck it up?

Whoa. Hello.

Hi, who are you?

I’m Alice.

Hi Alice. Don’t worry I just need to make some changes to your scan profile.

Altering a scan profile is pretty illegal, though.

Only if you get caught.

I don’t think that’s how laws work.

It’s going to be fine.

Leif, is this okay?

What’s a scan profile?

It’s an inventory list. It’s generated automatically and uploaded when you pass through a warp gate. Right now it says there are five crates of core stabilizers on your ship and I’m changing that. It’s fine.

Hang on.

What?

We’re about to break the law.

Maybe. A little.

I broke the law sometimes when I was a kid. There’s a line you cross. When you cross that line you go from being someone who isn’t told anything to someone who’s told everything. I’m about to cross that line with you so it’s time for me to know everything.

Ok. Sure. What do you want to know?

What’s your name?

…

I’ve already got my core stabilizer and I’m pretty sure you’re not going to take it back while we’re in deep space.

Verge.

Okay. Nice to meet you Verge.

What else?

Where are you from?

I wasn’t being cagey. I’m not from anywhere.

Everybody is from somewhere.

I’m a Vapian, do you know what that means?

No.

Vapians don’t have homes. We’re roamers.

You’re like a Hobo.

What the fuck is a hobo?

You carry all your possessions with you wrapped up in a handkerchief. You hop on the nearest train and go wherever it takes you. You’re a free spirit, no one can tell you what to do.

That’s sounds fucking stupid, no, I’m not a hobo.

Well, it doesn’t sound so bad. I guess I’m a bit of a roamer myself these days. It suits me.

What else?

What do you do for fun?

Fun?

Yeah.

We’re about to commit a crime. You say you need more information and you say the information you need is what I do for fun?

Yeah.

Nothing.

You do nothing.

I’m busy.

You know you’re presented with a unique opportunity right now?

What’s that?

A stranger. Me. I’m getting the sense that you’re a little standoffish, don’t give away a lot. Call me crazy. After this is over you never have to see me again. Given the size of the universe you probably won’t. That means you can tell me whatever you want. No one will ever know.

… Fine. I like sailing.

Really?

Yes.

That’s surprising. Why is that?

It’s feels free, and I like freedom. It also feels terrestrial and I don’t get enough of that.

Because you’re always in space?

For the most part.

When do you have time to go sailing?

I’ve... never actually been sailing.

So you imagine that, someday, when you’re allowed to have fun, thats the thing you’ll do.

Yes.

Okay… I like baseball.

Great, Can I make these changes now?

Sure.

How’d you get into a life of crime?

Only so many jobs out there.

There’s always work at the post office.

Can you keep the Earth references to a minimum?

Sure… Usually when people hear I’m from Earth they have a bunch of questions for me.

Not me.

Are you sure? You may never get this chance again.

You don’t shut up, do you?

Part of my charm.

Veronica Lake.

Veronica Lake, what about Veronica Lake?

Did you ever meet her?

No I, I mean, she was a little before my time.

Right. I forgot you people don’t live long.

We don’t?

No. You didn’t know that?

No. Compared to what?

Compared to just about every race in The Triad. Earthlings don’t live long.

How long do you live?

I don’t know how it translates. Alice, what’s the average lifespan of a Vapian in Earth years?

The average lifespan of a Vapian in Earth years is 342 years.

See?

Shit.

You’re right. It is easy to talk to you, but it’s not because you’re a stranger, it’s because I know you'll be dead soon.

Fair enough. I guess I better get busy.

With what?

With life. Let’s do some crimes.

Sure, okay.

Truskan beer? Seriously?

I like it. Trusk is nice, have you ever been?

I’m not welcome on Trusk.

Let me guess, you’re wanted for some sort of crime.

I’m not welcome on Trusk because I’m a Vapian. They don’t like us.

Why?

I don’t know, don’t I seem nice?

You do.

So the buyer is probably here right now, biding his time. He’s probably watching us and keeping us waiting.

Why is he doing that?

To establish dominance. It’s what I would do.

So I should just… keep cool.

Yes, Leif. Keep cool.

Great, this is a good chance for us to get to know each other.

The long ride in your ship wasn’t enough? I did not need that detailed explanation of Baseball, by the way.

You’ll only get it once.

Good.

Hey, I have a question. The dark nebula I was looking at. I call it Barnard 68.

Why do you call it that?

We name things after the people that discover them.

That’s boring.

I agree. What do you call it?

Sheliak.

Okay. Where does that come from?

Old Vapian myth… Inside every Vapian is a Sheliak. A beast. It’s frozen inside you and the more you lose control of your emotions the more the Sheliak thaws. If it ever thaws completely, it takes over and you’ll never have control of your body again. You’ll have to spend the rest of your life as a spectator in your own body, unable to stop the chaos but forced to watch it all happen.

Yeesh.

So don’t push me, alright?

There’s... not actually a small frozen animal inside you right?

No, idiot, it’s a metaphor.

Okay, sorry, how am I supposed to know that?

You know, there’s a third reason why it’s interesting to talk to you.

Oh yeah?

It’s not just because you're a stranger and its not just because you're going to be dead soon. It’s because you’re an Earthling. You don’t know anything.

I know a few things.

While you’re sitting there with your Truskan beer, I’m drinking a bottle of wine from Festen. Do you know why?

Because you’re a wine person? You don’t seem like a wine person, I saw you as a vintage cocktail person.

Because I can order the entire bottle and open it myself. Because if I do that then I know nobody has messed with my drink.

Isn’t that a little paranoid?

To you, it would seem that way because you’re an Earthling who doesn’t know anything. But what I know is that sometimes bartenders will spit in the drink of a Vapian. You don’t know that most races wouldn’t be caught dead having a drink with a Vapian at a bar. It’s not just the Truskans that don’t like us.

Well, I can’t imagine what all that’s about... I like you.

You don’t know me.

You seem delightful. We’ve known each other for several hours and you’ve only pulled a gun on me once.

It’s not me. It’s all of us. People don’t like Vapians.

Where does that come from?

It’s a long story... Here we go.

What?

The buyer has eyed us and is making his way across the bar. You ready?

Yeah. Hey, make me a promise.

What?

If this works out, let’s get real drunk and you tell me why everybody hates you.

... Yeah, okay.

Excellent.

Mission accomplished!

I wonder if that guy knows he paid three times the going rate?

Desperation is great when you get rich from it.

I don’t want to say “rich” but it was a good day.

I like that place, are all your deals there?

No, that reminds me, you probably shouldn’t show up there for a while.

Why not?

You’ll get something along the lines of “Aren’t you the one who was hanging out with that Vapian?” People won’t talk to you.

Hey. You never got around to that part. How come everybody hates you? I’m having a great time.

...Hey Alice, how come everybody hates Vapians?

Antipathy towards the Vapian race began when their planet was destroyed while performing a controversial experiment involving time crystals.

Your fucking planet was destroyed?

In the experiment, the planet of Vapus-10 was collapsed into what is now known as the first and only artificially created black hole.

Your fucking planet turned into a fucking black hole?

Billions were killed instantly. Including 1.2 million visiting from other systems. The planet of Vapus10 was positioned in the middle of several trade routes that were no longer viable and creating new travel routes was incredibly time consuming and expensive. The only Vapians to survive were the citizens that happened to be out of the system at the time of the collapse.

I was a baby. On vacation with my parents.

The remaining Vapians were reviled for the loss of life and resources that occurred due to the collapse. Though this occurred 100 Earth years ago, the animosity toward the Vapian race persists.

...Fuck.

I grew up in a temporary refugee camp on a planet that could barely support life. When I finally got out I found myself in a universe where everyone hates me. No surprise that a lot of us wound up being criminals... I enjoyed hanging out with you, Leif. It was the first time someone didn’t assume who I was before they met me. But it’s going to cost you. Maybe I should’ve warned you about that ahead of time.

I enjoyed hanging out with you too. I don’t give a shit what it cost me. It was worth it.

...So, if you wouldn't mind. I need a ride to Traxus. I usually hole up there until I can figure out my next move.

What’s on Traxus?

Not much. It’s got an unstable orbit so most people stay away. It’ll collide into another planet any time now but until then a few people manage to make it a good hideout.

And then?

Then it’s on to the next job.

I can take you there no problem. Sounds like something to see. On Earth we call that a Centaur.

Thank you.

Or...

What?

I mean...

Leif?

I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates you’ve got a brand new key.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I have a ship. I have a ship and you know people. So...

I don’t work with a partner.

I get it. Lone wolf. Keeping it simple.

That’s the way I’ve always done it.

Here’s the thing. Earthlings evolved from fish.

Where is this going to go?

Our whole world was the water. But then one day some weird fish said “Hey. What if it’s not?” And then suddenly we weren't in the water anymore.

...Am I the fish in this analogy or are you the fish?

We are both collectively the fish.

...Leif I don’t think you know what you’re getting into. It’s a mess out there.

It’s a mess everywhere. I think it’s important who you’re in the mess with, don’t you?

You want to be in the mess with me?

I think I’d like that.

... Me too.

Good. It’s a deal. I feel like this is a big moment.

We’ll see how big of a moment it is.

We should seal the deal. How do Vapians seal a deal, is there a ceremony?

There’s several ways.

Okay, let’s pick one.

...Is there a bedroom on this ship?

...It’s in the back.

...That’s one way... See you in a bit.

Alice, remember when you told me you’re always listening?

Yes, I think I’ll disable that function for a while.

Good call.

Going dark.

... Captain Kirk give me strength.