Midnight Burger
Chapter 22: The Maul of America
The sound of space time spinning past us as a song plays on the radio. Distant sound of pencil scratching on paper.
Effie:
So, you mean to tell me that there is a television show that portrays stories from the bible...
Caspar:
Yes.
Zebulon:
Issac, Abraham, even Jesus.
Caspar:
Yes.
Effie:
But all of the biblical characters are portrayed by what now?
Caspar:
Vegetables.
Effie:
...How..
Zebulon:
Why...
Effie:
Is there...
Caspar:
I can see you trying to make sense of it, and I wish you luck.
Gloria:
Coffee’s ready.
Caspar:
Excellent.
Gloria:
Still nothing?
Leif:
She’s been like that for hours, she’s almost burned through a whole notebook.
Effie:
I admire her dedication but does she need a glass of water or some such?
Zebulon:
I have begun to worry that her pencil may ignite.
Gloria:
Maybe I should bring her some food?
Leif:
Honestly, she won’t even know you’re there.
Gloria:
What if it’s really good food though?
Leif:
In any lab or testing field or observatory you’re going to see this. There’s people filing reports, compiling data, getting coffee, the janitor comes by, maybe a senator visits, and then off in a corner somewhere, surrounded by, what looks like, the notes of a serial killer... will be the theorist. Trapped in their head until they finally come up for air. Watch this. Hey, Ava?... Yeah, nothing.
Gloria:
So we stand here until she decides to talk to us?
Leif:
We can stand anywhere we want, we’re not going to exist until she’s ready for us to exist.
Caspar:
We may have one thing working in our favor.
Gloria:
What?
Ava:
I’m having a cigarette.
Caspar:
There we go.
Door chime.
Caspar:
We should probably get our questions in fast, she’s going to suck that down like a shopvac, let’s go Mucklewains.
Door chime. The sound of space time grows louder.
Caspar:
Hey there.
Gloria:
Ava, do you need anything? You’re looking a little pale.
Leif:
We’re probably going to touch down soon, anything we need to know?
Ava:
... I am now ready to talk about the disappearing lady.
Gloria:
Great.
Leif:
Let’s do it.
Caspar:
Do you need coffee?
Ava:
No. Leif?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Her energy signature when she disappeared, that was different than when The Ex would pop into our lives, right?
Leif:
For sure.
Gloria:
Also her voice was different. She sounded human.
Ava:
So we’re probably not dealing with Caspar’s alternate reality Ex-wife throwing ANOTHER bot at us. This isn’t a Terminator 2 situation?
Leif:
No, also she didn’t smell like anything. Ex had a particular scent when she would teleport.
Gloria:
Really?
Leif:
Tachyons smell like popcorn.
Ava:
Okay. Good.
Gloria:
Stop smelling the androids.
Leif:
I’m not being weird.
Caspar:
Just want to make sure we’ve all registered that this is not, in any way, my fault.
Zebulon:
That’s a refreshing change of pace isn’t it, Dear?
Effie:
What will I do with myself?
Caspar:
You know what?
Ava:
She was disguised as the Ambassador from Luxembourg?
Caspar:
Yes.
Ava:
But what were you saying about her name?
Caspar:
She picked the name of an actual person but from the 15th century, she probably thought no one would notice.
Ava:
But she spoke in a fake accent, was putting on a whole show.
Caspar:
Yes.
Ava:
She’s been doing this for a while.
Gloria:
Doing what for a while though?
Ava:
Traveling. And we’ve been on her trail, trying to get her attention. She’s the thing we’ve been trying to track down.
Leif:
Sure seems like it.
Ava:
Why Earth?
Caspar:
What do you mean?
Ava:
Why is she sticking to Earth? Let’s assume she can shift through time and fold space. Why would she stick to Earth?
Caspar:
Because it’s nearby?
Leif:
Wouldn’t matter. If she can fold space without any tech then distance becomes irrelevant, traveling to St. Petersberg is the same as traveling to the other side of the universe.
Caspar:
So she’s on Earth on purpose.
Ava:
I think so. “Are you trying to stop me?” That’s what she said. Stop what?
Gloria:
She’s definitely got an agenda. And she was not happy to see us.
Effie:
And I was not happy to see her. I have dark perturbations about this woman.
Ava:
Why though?
Effie:
It’s a thicket of feelings I get from her. It’s one thing but also another.
Zebulon:
Perhaps if we wish to know the nature of this new character in our lives we should look to ourselves.
Ava:
What do you mean?
Zebulon:
We are ordinary folks in an extraordinary life. Perhaps she’s not so different. And why have we found ourselves here? Either running or seeking, all of us. Perhaps it is the same for her.
Effie:
That’s where my feelings point me. But it’s both of those things. Seeking and running. And those two mixed together in the wrong way can be...
Caspar:
Dangerous.
Effie:
Yes.
Gloria:
We’re talking about a lot without actually saying anything. We think she’s a problem, we don’t know why. She’s thinks we’re a problem and doesn’t know why. Right now all we know is, there’s a disappearing lady that doesn’t like us.
Leif:
What’s not to like?
Caspar:
Yeah, we’re delightful except for Leif who kills people randomly.
Leif:
That’s not true.
Caspar:
Oh, you didn’t kill a guy?
Leif:
It wasn’t random.
Gloria:
How long until we land?
Leif:
Any second now.
Ava:
Look, just keep your eyes open, okay? That wasn’t the last time we’re going to see her. Also, there’s something that I want us to start looking for.
Caspar:
We’re not getting a cat.
Leif:
Why can’t we get a cat?
Gloria:
You can’t just say we’re not getting a cat.
Effie:
Where did discussion of a cat come from all of a sudden?
Caspar:
If we get a cat it’s going to hate me.
Leif:
And we all benefit from that.
Zebulon:
I think a cat may be nice.
Ava:
Oh my God.
Caspar:
... Sorry.
Ava:
Damage to the fabric of space time. I want us to keep a look out for damage to the fabric of space time.
Gloria:
What’s it look like?
Ava:
No idea.
Leif:
Here we go.
The diner snaps into a new reality. We hear musak.
Caspar:
Are we...
Leif:
Is this what I think it is?
Gloria:
Are we in a mall?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Ava:
That music is terrible.
Effie:
Well this is an unsavory establishment.
Zebulon:
Is this some sort of warehouse?
Caspar:
Oh it’s a warehouse alright. For commerce.
Effie:
What is that smell?
Caspar:
That, Effie, is the food court.
Effie:
They have put food there to be judged somehow?
Caspar:
No, that’s just where all the food places are.
Zebulon:
I have judged it.
Caspar:
Yeah, I’t not a great smell.
Leif:
Oh, shit, check it out: B. Dalton.
Caspar:
Oh, we’re in an OLD mall.
Leif:
1980’s for sure.
Caspar:
The golden age.
Leif:
There’s probably a Camelot Music here.
Caspar:
There’s probably a Chess King.
Gloria:
Hickory Farms, anyone?
Caspar:
Yeah!
Leif:
Free cheese samples!
Caspar:
There’s probably a Jazzercise!
Effie:
Ava, what in the world are they talking about?
Ava:
I don’t know, I actually did something with my life.
Gloria:
Where is everyone, though?
Leif:
I guess they haven’t opened yet, all the gates are down.
Gloria:
Well at least there’ll be one good spot in the food court today.
Caspar:
We’re really going to give Mrs. Fields’ Cookies a run for it’s money.
Ava:
Can we spread out and look for things?
Gloria:
Damage to the fabric of space time?
Ava:
Yes, I know it’s vague but it’s important. Damage to the fabric of space time.
Caspar:
Should be easy to spot. Pardon me, sir, is that damage to the fabric of space time you’ve got there?
Leif:
We should head over to Spencer’s Gifts that place is definitely a disturbance in the fabric of space time.
Gloria:
Split up for a little while, everyone. You guys take the bottom floor, Ava let’s go upstairs.
Caspar:
Who’s taking the Mucklewains?
Effie:
(Suddenly in the loud speaker system for the Mall.) I think we’ll be just- oh my!
Zebulon:
(In the loud speaker system as well.) Goodness. We appear to be in the Public Address system for this establishment.
Effie:
Can y’all hear us?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Ava:
Cool.
Zebulon:
I feel very large.
Effie:
Yes, I feel as though my spirit wraps around this whole construction.
Gloria:
I guess you’re going with all of us then.
Caspar:
Anything we can grab you while we’re looking?
Gloria:
From a 1980s mall? All of this stuff’s garbage.
Leif:
How about a sharper image foot massager?
Gloria:
...Okay, yeah, get me the foot massager.
Caspar:
Anything else?
Ava:
Do they have pencils here?
Caspar:
...Pencils?
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
At the mall?
Ava:
Yeah.
Gloria:
They don’t have useful things here, just the things you can’t live without.
Ava:
Never mind.
Caspar:
Good luck on your space/time anomaly hunt!... We’re going to hit the Orange Julius before we start looking around right?
Leif:
Absolutely.
Gloria and Ava ride an escalator.
Gloria:
So, damage to the fabric of space time?
Ava:
It can look like anything. Also nothing.
Gloria:
Right. On it. Why are we doing this?
Ava:
Well... Okay, I’m working with four separate things right now.
Gloria:
Good. Bullet points are good.
Ava:
Thing 1: Imagine a string of pearls, but not in a loop. Imagine a string of pearls continuing out into infinity.
Gloria:
Okay, infinite pearls.
Ava:
Imagine each pearl as a universe. All matter and energy that exists is in each pearl.
Gloria:
That’s a lot of universes.
Ava:
Every day when we open our doors, we’re in one of those pearls. A new universe. One of these infinite pearls is where we started, and we are constantly zipping back and forth through different pearls. Each one of them have a beginning, middle and end that runs for billions of years.
Gloria:
That sounds way more organized than what we actually do.
Ava:
They’re not actually in a string they’re actually all overlapping each other and occurring simultaneously but it’s better to imagine them on a string.
Gloria:
Agreed.
Ava:
Thing 2: Chuck said something about massive gravity waves. Inside each pearl are massive destructive events that happen. Sometimes they’re so powerful that they can damage the pearl they take place in. The effects can be cataclysmic.
Gloria:
Is this like a supernova, a whole star exploding?
Ava:
No, it goes beyond that. When something is so powerful that it can damage the fabric of space-time... Imagine a house on a beach, and a tidal wave is coming toward it. Imagine this wave being so powerful that it doesn’t just damage the house, it... damages the very idea of what a house is.
Gloria:
The idea of what a house is?
Ava:
A gravity wave can be so powerful that it can damage not just matter, but damage how matter works.
Gloria:
... I don’t like that.
Ava:
I don’t either.
Ava:
The third thing is us. A time-traveling dimension-spanning diner. And the fourth thing:
Gloria:
The disappearing lady.
Ava:
Yeah.
Gloria:
How did Chuck describer her? “Powerful? Formidable?”
Ava:
It looks like she’s able to travel through space and time like we do but she can do it at will, so yeah that’s pretty powerful and formidable.
Gloria:
... She’s scared.
Ava:
How do you know?
Gloria:
You can see it. She was scared of us for some reason.
Ava:
I can’t imagine why that would be.
Gloria:
(Laughing.) Shit.
Ava:
What?
Gloria:
Wicks and Sticks. Did you ever go here?
Ava:
I wasn’t a mall person.
Gloria:
I used to look at this place and be like “That’s what a real woman does, she has all kinds of nice candles everywhere. That’s when I’ll know I’ve become a real woman.”
Ava:
Did you ever get your candles?
Gloria:
No. Because then it became “having a nice kitchen” meant I was a real person, and then it became “having a really nice couch” for some reason, not sure what that was about. Then it became a restaurant.
Ava:
What is it now?
Gloria:
Jesus Christ, I have no fucking clue. Self-completion is a moving target. I mean, look at me. Look at us, look at what we do. We’re in a mall in the 80s looking for damage to the fabric of space time and I don’t feel much different than my teenage self. I thought candles were going to do it? Seriously?
Chime heard over loudspeaker.
Effie:
Oh my. Dear, did you hear that? There’s a little noise every time we talk.
Zebulon:
I like it.
Effie:
Y’all, us talking through this here building has had some unforeseen effects.
Gloria:
What’s up?
Effie:
I seem to have a sense of this building like it were my own skin and bones.
Ava:
You’re probably co-opting whatever electrical systems they have like it’s a nervous system.
Zebulon:
Well, I don’t know about that but I do know that we can tell where both you and Caspar and Leif are relative to the diner.
Ava:
That could be useful.
Effie:
Caspar and Leif are at some sort of establishment with a devil on it.
Ava:
Really?
Gloria:
They’re at an Orange Julius. Anything else?
Effie:
Yes. We are not alone.
Gloria:
There’s someone else in here?
Zebulon:
We believe so.
Effie:
This building may seem closed to the public but I am sensing many people within.
Gloria:
That’s creepy. Okay. Track down Leif and Caspar and let them know.
Effie:
Will do.
Gloria:
What are the odds that Caspar and Leif are actually looking for something like we are?
Ava:
Low probability.
The blender of the orange julius roars.
Leif:
(Yelling over the blender.) Look, I understand that you’re upset but I still think it was the right call.
Caspar:
(Yelling over the blender.) You blew a guy up, Leif.
Leif:
(Yelling over the blender.) And what was that guy’s name again?
Blending stops.
Caspar:
John Wilkes Booth.
Leif:
I think there’s a big difference between blowing up a guy and blowing up John Wilkes Booth.
Caspar:
It is still, without provocation, not out of self-defense, blowing up a guy.
Leif:
I see what you’re saying. You’re trying to do it like a math problem. “Killing bad, therefore all killing bad.” But I’ve evolved.
Caspar:
Oh. You’ve evolved have you?
Leif:
That’s right.
Caspar:
Well do tell, Homo Superior, how have you evolved?
Leif:
I kind of went through the wringer while you were gone. Got confronted with a lot of old shit, old versions of myself. I decided, rather than deny it, or leave it behind, I would merge it all into one person, bringing the best of all worlds into one dude. I’m Leif the cook, Leif the engineer, Leif the criminal, all in one guy. I’m Smart Hulk now.
Caspar:
Smart Hulk would not have killed John Wilkes Booth.
Leif:
Smart Hulk would’ve stomped the fuck out of John Wilkes Booth.
Caspar:
This is going nowhere, drink your Orange Julius. I guess I just don’t want it to come back and haunt you or something.
Leif:
This is really good. How do you know how to make an Orange Julius?
Caspar:
First job.
Leif:
Your first job was at Orange Julius?
Caspar:
Yeah. What was yours?
Leif:
Weed delivery. I was 13.
Caspar:
Seriously? It’s like you’re not even a real person.
Leif:
I know.
Tamara:
You two! Freeze!
Caspar:
Whoa!
Leif:
We’re not here to hurt anybody.
Caspar:
Put the gun away, we’re not stealing anything.
Leif:
I mean, we’re kind of stealing.
Tamara:
Who are you?
Caspar:
I’m Caspar. That’s Leif.
Leif:
Hey.
Tamara:
How’d you get past the perimeter?
Caspar:
Perimeter?
Strange noises. Zombies?
Leif:
Whoa.
Tamara:
Shit.
Leif:
What the hell is that sound?
Tamara:
They must have heard us. Out of the way.
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Security gate for the Orange Julius is pulled down.
Tamara:
We’re going to be stuck here for a minute.
Leif:
Why?
Angry crowd approaches.
Caspar:
What the hell is that?
Tamara:
If we’re quiet, they’ll probably ignore us.
Leif:
Who?
Tamara:
Them.
A crowd of angry shoppers rushes by the orange julius.
Leif:
Shit, are we in a “Mall full of Zombies” situation?
Caspar:
I mean, honestly it was only a matter of time.
Leif:
True.
Tamara:
They’re not zombies.
Caspar:
Who are they?
Leif:
They look crazed out of their minds.
Tamara:
Shh! They’re not zombies, they’re not trying to eat anyone’s brain.
Caspar:
What are they trying to eat?
The crowd passes.
Tamara:
How’d you two get here? You guys make a bet you could sneak in or something?
Caspar:
We don’t know what you mean.
Tamara:
Look, I don’t know what it is about men, when you see a restricted sign, you think it’s a dare. It’s not a dare, there’s fucked up shit happening here.
Leif:
Obviously.
Caspar:
What is happening here?
Tamara:
It’s too weird for you to comprehend, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Caspar and leif start laughing.
Caspar:
Oh no.
Leif:
Oh no, not something weird.
Caspar:
Leif, what are we going to do about the weird thing that’s happening?
Leif:
I hope we don’t freak out.
Caspar:
I’m so fragile.
Tamara:
Who are you two?
Leif:
Weird shit’s kind of our jam. Why don’t you tell us what’s going on?
Tamara:
Oh...kay...
Caspar:
Actually, you know what, if she tells us she’s just going to have to explain it again to everyone else, let’s head back.
Leif:
Good call.
Tamara:
Head back where?
Leif:
We’ll explain, let’s go.
Tamara:
Hang on... Okay, we’re clear.
Tamara raises the gate on the Orange Julius.
Tamara:
Where are we going?
Leif:
What’s your name?
Tamara:
Tamara.
Leif:
You’re a security guard?
Tamara:
Yeah.
Caspar:
They let them carry guns back then?
Tamara:
Back then?
Leif:
Oh yeah. Also, remember all the indoor smoking?
Caspar:
God, that’s right.
Tamara:
Where are we going?
Leif:
That’s our place over there.
Tamara:
What the... fuck is that doing here?
Loudspeaker chimes.
Effie:
Attention Caspar and Leif please stop acting like horses patoots, where have y’all got off to?
Tamara:
Who’s on the PA system?
Caspar:
Y’all, be quiet you’ll alert the zombies.
Tamara:
They’re not zombies.
Caspar:
Be quiet, you’ll alert the “Not Zombies”.
Leif:
We were at the Orange Julius, where are Gloria and Ava?
Gloria:
(From the second floor.) We’re up here, did you guys see that huge crowd come through?
Caspar:
Yeah, they’re dangerous apparently, stay away.
Leif:
They’re not zombies apparently.
Gloria:
If it’s zombies, I quit.
Tamara:
They’re not zombies.
Ava:
Who’s that?
Leif:
This is Tamara, she’s a security guard.
Tamara:
Who’s on the PA system?
Zebulon:
Well, Hello Tamara, I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie.
Effie:
Hi, Tamara.
Tamara:
Who are you people?
Leif:
We run a diner. Come have a cup of coffee, tell us about your weird day.
Song:
Two coffee cups are set down on the table.
Tamara:
You really expect me to believe that?
Gloria:
How it works is, I tell you our crazy story and then you feel more comfortable telling us yours.
Tamara:
Uh huh. Okay. Okay, fine... I had just started this job. I was excited, the pay was good, I look alright in the uniform, I’m pretty good at scaring teenagers. Then one day everything went off the rails. There was a riot over some toys, I couldn’t keep the crowd under control, a bunch of stuff got stolen.
Gloria:
A riot over some toys?
Tamara:
Yeah, some kind of doll?
Gloria:
What kind of doll?
Caspar:
Oh God. Wait. What year is it?
Tamara:
For real?
Caspar:
Yes.
Tamara:
1983.
Caspar:
Ohhhhhhh nooooooooo.
Ava:
What?
Caspar:
It’s the Cabbage Patch Riots.
Leif:
The fuck are you talking about?
Tamara:
That was it, yeah. Cabbage Patch Kids.
Gloria:
The Cabbage Patch Riots?
Caspar:
It happened all over America. Every kid wanted one of these dolls for Christmas called Cabbage Patch Kids but they didn’t make enough, there were literal riots. Delivery trucks were sacked, it was nuts.
Ava:
Over a doll?
Caspar:
This is why I remember it, because it was so stupid.
Gloria:
Okay, we’re going to put a pin in how stupid that is and we’re going to go back to Tamara. You’re saying that a riot happened and you couldn’t stop it?
Tamara:
Right. People went crazy. They waited by the doors for the mall to open, not even in a line, just a mob of people. I was the first one here that day. It was way too early for anyone to go shopping, but there they were, all at the door to try and grab one of these Cabbage Patch Kids. When I unlocked the doors they pushed them open so hard that it knocked me down. They were running, like olympic style running to the KayBee Toys just to stand in line and wait for THEM to open. Eventually there was a line outside of every store that might possibly have one of these damn dolls. Montgomery Ward, Sears, whatever. There was even a line outside of Florsheim Shoes for some reason. Then they got the bad news. Delivery trucks ran late the day before and the dolls weren’t on the shelves, they were still in the trucks... They all start to panic. Like, sheer panic, like they’re life depended on it. None of the stores had stocked any of the dolls yet so they rushed back into the loading zone and literally ransacked three trucks full of them. Dolls, y’all. People got into fist fights, one guy had a bat. It was chaos. I need backup so I call the police and they literally laughed at me, started calling me Santa’s little helper. So I say to myself “Please don’t let me die over some fucking dolls,” and I jump in there, trying to break it up... and then suddenly everybody was gone.
Gloria:
Everybody?
Tamara:
Yeah. Suddenly the whole mall was empty like I was the first one at work again.
Leif:
Time loop?
Ava:
No such thing.
Leif:
Did your watch reset or anything?
Ava:
There’s no such thing as a time loop.
Tamara:
No, but as I walked back into the mall... They were here.
A mass of “Not Zombies” rushes past the diner in a crazed frenzy.
Ava:
Yeesh.
Gloria:
Seeing them up close now, are we sure they’re not zombies? Because remember, if it’s zombies, I quit.
Tamara:
They’re not zombies. They don’t try and eat people. They only crave one thing.
Caspar:
No way.
Tamara:
Cabbage Patch Kids. They are constantly tearing up the mall, trying to find the Cabbage Patch Kids.
A beat. Everyone laughs.
Tamara:
It’s not funny.
Caspar:
I’m sorry, it’s objectively funny.
Tamara:
Maybe to you all. You just got here. And it’s getting worse.
Ava:
How do you mean?
Tamara:
I swear they’re getting angrier. More desperate. The first time they were just really intense shoppers now it’s like...
Caspar:
Here they come again.
Massive crowd begins running past the diner.
Gloria:
God, look at them.
Caspar:
I’m not saying they’re zombies but they do look like they’re from a zombie movie.
Leif:
One of the newer ones too. A fast zombie movie.
Ava:
That’s disturbing.
Leif:
They look crazed.
Zebulon:
They seem to be possessed by some terrible spirit.
Effie:
Indeed. I can feel it myself, that’s some unnaturalness right there.
Caspar:
“This summer, there is no sale that can satisfy... the zombie shoppers.”
Leif:
“ Shopzies...”
Caspar:
Ohh that’s better, “ Shopzies...”
Ava:
This doesn’t make any sense. What else is effected? Is this happening everywhere on the planet?
Tamara:
No. In fact... Now that they’re gone, come up to the roof, I’ll show you.
Caspar:
Hang on, we should all arm ourselves. Leif, do we have any baseball bats with nails driven through them?
Leif:
I’ll get the laser saw.
Tamara:
Actually if you just stay out of their way, you’ll be fine.
Leif:
Oh.
Caspar:
Bummer.
Door chime. They all walk to the elevator.
Tamara:
Time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner, huh?
Gloria:
Yeah I know. Sounds ridiculous.
Tamara:
You’re lucky I was desperate for someone to talk to.
Elevator door closes.
Gloria:
How long has this been happening?
Tamara:
61 days.
Gloria:
Holy shit, Tamara.
Caspar:
Why didn’t you leave?
Tamara:
I’m about to show you. I was thinking the other day, I better get fucking overtime for this.
Gloria:
Fuck yeah, you should.
Tamara:
What’s the pay like at Midnight Burger?
Leif:
Terrible, our boss is a tyrant.
Caspar:
Ha ha, that’s Gloria now.
Elevator opens to the roof. A military helicopter roars by.
Leif:
Shit!
Caspar:
Was that an army helicopter?
Tamara:
Around the third day I noticed the tanks and helicopters. They set up a military perimeter around the Mall.
Gloria:
Why won’t they come get you?
Tamara:
They say they’re worried about “contamination” whatever that means. Here, binoculars. Check it out.
Gloria:
...Tanks? Seriously?
Tamara:
I know. I guess they’re pretty freaked out.
Ava:
Can I see?
Gloria:
So they just trapped you here with a group of crazies running around?
Tamara:
It hasn’t been great.
Helicopter Pilot:
(Through loudspeaker.) Attention, this is a restricted area. You are now in an official quarantine zone, do not leave the area without authorization.
Loudspeaker buzzes.
Zebulon:
(In helicopter loudspeaker.) Excuse me, Sir. You are disturbing our discussion with this contraption of yours.
Helicopter Pilot:
What the hell?
Effie:
(In helicopter loudspeaker.) Set this whirly-gig of yours down somewhere else so we can hear ourselves think.
Helicopter Pilot:
Pull back, pull back!
Helicopter pulls away.
Tamara:
The hell just happened?
Gloria:
They don’t like people being rude.
Ava:
There they are. Government scientists have a sensor array set up. Would love to see those readouts right now.
Leif:
What have they got?
Ava:
Radar and a spectrometer... Chemical sniffer, that’s dumb.
Leif:
No microwave scanner? Lame.
Ava:
It’s 1983, what do you expect... Okay. None of this makes any sense at all. And that’s great.
Caspar:
Is it though?
Ava:
This is it. Damage to the fabric of space time. This is what we’ve been looking for.
Caspar:
How is this weird shit different from the usual weird shit we encounter?
Ava:
Every world we go to follows it’s own rules. There’s no rules to this it’s just... broken. Angry shoppers turned into zombies that crave cabbage patch dolls? Give me a break.
Caspar:
Kids. Cabbage Patch Kids.
Tamara:
How does it get fixed?
Ava:
Tamara. Have you met any weird ladies lately? Before all this started?
Tamara:
Uh, I’d only been working for a while. There’s the occasional nut that walks in off the street.
Ava:
About yea high. Red hair.
Tamara:
No.
Caspar:
She could’ve been wearing a wig at the theater.
Ava:
Just anyone with a weird vibe.
Tamara:
Y’know... it was my first day. There was a lady in the food court who started asking me a bunch of questions. At first about the Mall and then about where I was from, where my parents were from. She gave me something, she said she found it.
Ava:
What was it?
Tamara:
A rock. It’s still in my locker, come back downstairs.
Elevator dings and they walk inside.
Effie:
(In the elevator loudspeaker.) Look dear, we’re in the elevator as well.
Zebulon:
(In the elevator loudspeaker.) Yes. Welcome to the 3rd floor everyone.
Tamara:
I don’t know what they are but I kind of like it.
Gloria:
We do to.
Elevator dings and the door opens.
Tamara:
So, I didn’t think much of it at first. I’m supposed to put things in the lost and found in the office but it seemed a little too nice to put there.
Tamara opens her locker.
Tamara:
Here you go.
Gloria:
It’s pretty.
Caspar:
Is it a crystal?
Ava:
Leif?
Leif:
Let me see... Huh... it’s a diamond.
Tamara:
What?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
It looks grey.
Leif:
Yeah, it’s an industrial diamond, you can’t make it into jewelry. Still valuable though. Something this size, you’re looking at about a hundred thousand dollars.
Tamara:
What?!
Leif:
Good call not putting it in the lost and found.
Ava:
Where did she say she found it?
Tamara:
She said Mercury.
Ava:
Mercury.
Tamara:
I figured it was the name of a new store that had just opened.
Ava:
Mercury?
Caspar:
Doesn’t sound like a store that I remember.
Leif:
I don’t think she meant a store.
Gloria:
Don’t tell me.
Leif:
Surface of Mercury is covered in diamonds just like this.
Caspar:
The surface of Mercury?
Leif:
Yeah.
Caspar:
Where it’s a bajillion degrees and the atmosphere is methane or whatever.
Leif:
Hardly any atmosphere at all, actually.
Tamara:
Wait, you’re talking about Mercury the planet?
Gloria:
She was just going for a stroll on Mercury and picked up a diamond?
Ava:
Who the fuck is this woman?
Tamara:
What the fuck is going on?
Ava:
I have no idea, Tamara.
Gloria:
Okay look, let’s think about the thing right in front of us.
Caspar:
The thing right in front of us is a huge diamond from Mercury.
Gloria:
No, the thing right in front of us is Tamara. She’s trapped in a time loop with mall zombies.
Ava:
No such thing as a time loop.
Caspar:
Shopzies.
Gloria:
What are we going to do about it?
Ava:
No idea.
Leif:
We could try and sneak her past the military blockade. Maybe if she could get away from the mall things would reset.
Ava:
My guess is you’d have entanglement problems. Her geographic location isn’t going to matter much.
Gloria:
Not to mention she’d be on the run from the government.
Zebulon:
My friends, let us not forget, those possessed creatures we witnessed were not conjured from the darkness.
Effie:
Those are some real folks down there, y’all. They’ve been captured by some sort of bedevilment, and leaving them as such just ain’t right.
Gloria:
Well then we have to help them too.
Tamara:
You guys really think you can fix this?
Gloria:
We’re going to give it a shot.
Effie:
Gloria, if the smell of this place is any indication, Tamara has not had a proper meal in some time. Everything here smells like corn oil. Perhaps some proper sustenance so’s we can wrap our heads around the problem.
Gloria:
Good idea. Back downstairs, everybody.
Elevator door opens and closes with them in it.
Zebulon:
...It’s a generous thing, isn’t it?
Effie:
What’s that, Dear?
Zebulon:
Bringing someone a diamond from another world.
Tamara:
... She said something like “I keep looking around for something but wind up finding stuff like this. Why do I only find the stuff someone else needs?”
Elevator dings. Door opens. A massive crowd of shopzies are suddenly running toward the elevator.
Tamara:
Oh shit!
Leif:
They’re coming right at us!
Gloria:
Close the door!
Caspar starts ponding on the “door close” button.
Caspar:
Shitshitshitshitshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdorclosebuttondoorclosebuttondoorclosebutton DOES THIS THING WORK?
Ava:
It’s closing!
Gloria:
Close faster!
The door closes right as the mob is about to reach them.
Caspar:
Wow, that was a close one!
Zebulon:
What in the world is so compelling about this children’s toy?
Leif:
What were they going to do if they got to us? Try and purchase us?
Gloria:
Let’s not find out.
Tamara:
They can get violent. Especially if it’s something new and y’all are new.
Ava:
How are we going to get back to the diner?
Elevator door opens again. The crazed shoppers run for the door again.
Caspar:
Shitshitshitdoorclosedoorclosedoorclose.
Gloria:
Go up to the next floor!
Caspar:
Okay.
Leif:
Now what do we do?
Tamara:
We can just wait them out. Eventually they can move on after a few hours.
The Elevator door opens and they walk to the ledge of the second floor. The angry masses can be heard from down below.
Leif:
That’s a lot of Shopzies.
Ava:
How long until they move on?
Tamara:
It’s random. Could be a few hours.
Leif:
We might not have that kind of time.
Tamara:
Why?
Gloria:
We’re only on the ground for a few hours before we take off to somewhere else.
Tamara:
How is that possible?
Gloria:
I think we’re past the point where you ask how things are possible, I mean, there’s zombies downstairs.
Caspar:
Shopzies.
Gloria:
We’re not calling them that.
Leif:
Maybe I can sneak through, how dangerous are these nuts, exactly.
Tamara:
Here, I’ll show you.
Tamara picks up a MANNEQUIN from a store front.
Tamara:
Let’s pretend this mannequin is you.
Tamara throws the mannequin over the rail and it hits the ground. The crowd instantly starts howling and ripping the mannequin to shreds.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Tamara:
It’s fine if you stay out of their way. But if you try and get through that crowd you’re going to end up like that mannequin.
Gloria:
Great.
Caspar:
We need to get them away from the diner.
Ava:
Obviously.
Caspar:
Okay, I have an idea. Tamara?
Tamara:
Yes?
Caspar:
Take me to the Cabbage Patch.
Sliding door of a cargo truck slides upward to reveal...
Tamara:
There they are. These are the few ones they haven’t found yet.
Caspar:
Holy shit.
Ava:
Jesus Christ, they look demonic.
Caspar:
For nine months in 1983 this was the only thing that any child in America wanted. It was like a mass hysteria event.
Effie:
I feel like they’re all lookin’ at me.
Gloria:
Me too.
Zebulon:
Perhaps one alone wouldn’t be too alarming but when they are all in boxes standing atop one another with such a blank stare on their faces...
Caspar:
According to Cabbage Patch lore they all sprung from the heads of cabbages.
Leif:
Cabbage Patch lore?
Caspar:
And I think they all come with an adoption certificate.
Leif:
People are psychotic.
Caspar:
We don’t need to get a cat we can just get one of these.
Ava:
NOPE.
Gloria:
What’s this plan of yours, Caspar?
Caspar:
Tamara do you have one of those security golf carts type things?
Tamara:
Sure.
Caspar:
How about a megaphone?
Tamara:
I think so.
Caspar:
I feel like you can see where I’m going with this.
Gloria:
Jesus Christ. Okay. What do we do?
Caspar:
Just wait on the second floor and then make your move.
Gloria:
This doesn’t solve Tamara’s problem, y’know?
Caspar:
I know, but it will get Ava back to her booth where she can come up with a solution.
Ava:
Why don’t I just come up with a solution right now?
Caspar:
Because all your good ideas happen at the booth, that’s your spot, that’s the power zone.
Ava:
...He’s not wrong.
Caspar:
Leif, can you spruce up a golf cart?
Leif:
Is the Pope Catholic? Is John Wilkes Booth dead?
Caspar:
Very funny. Let’s go...
Gloria:
Have you noticed the more ridiculous the situation the more ridiculous the solution?
Ava:
... Does he seem alright to you?
Gloria:
Caspar? Caspar never seems alright to me.
Ava:
He’s different since he came back.
Gloria:
He went through a lot while he was gone. We all did.
Ava:
I feel the same though. Did I not change?
Gloria:
Um. No, not really but that’s kind of your thing. You’re... y’know... unflappable.
Ava:
Did everybody else change?
Gloria:
Well, yeah. I mean, Caspar had to confront why he was such a tool all the time, Leif had to confront the fact that he was acting like three different guys, I took over the diner and went up against the Teds and really tapped into some anger.
Ava:
Right. Well, what about the Mucklewains, did they change? Where are they now?
Effie:
We’re up here in this tiny speaker now, Dear.
Zebulon:
Hello.
Effie:
We changed as well, didn’t we dear?
Zebulon:
I believe we did. We’ve learned so much about ourselves during Caspar’s absence. There is so much still to be learned but I believe we reached a place of acceptance in regards to the deep mysteries of our being.
Effie:
While also never forgetting that, while we may not know the nature of ourselves, God’s got it all written down somewhere.
Ava:
Am I... the only one who didn’t have a big change?
Gloria:
Maybe, but that’s okay.
Ava:
It’s hard for me to change.
Gloria:
I know.
Ava:
It’s hard to change when you’re right all the time.
Gloria:
Sure.
Ava:
I can change, I’m changeable.
Gloria:
Of course you are. So... Try it some time.
Ava:
Ok. But what do I change though? I like everything about myself.
Gloria:
Maybe just keep an eye on it. Maybe something will come up?
Ava:
Ok.
Effie:
Y’all, I can see what Caspar’s up to at this moment and... well if it don’t work it will at least be a sight to behold.
Gloria:
This should be good.
Just outside the diner, the security cart slowly pulls up near the mass of Shopzies.
Caspar:
Okay, Tamara, you sure you know how to drive this thing well enough?
Tamara:
It’s a golf cart, I don’t need a masters degree.
Caspar:
Okay, but I don’t want to die is the thing.
Tamara:
You’ll be fine.
Caspar:
I’m going to go get their attention, get ready to burn rubber.
Tamara:
Jesus Christ. Okay.
Caspar:
Give me the Cabbage Patch Kid.
Tamara:
Here.
Caspar:
Well, hello there disturbing fake child. What’s your name?
Tamara:
It’s right there.
Caspar:
“ Melvis Gray”. Melvis?
Tamara:
Sure, whatever.
Caspar:
Let’s go, Melvis.
Caspar inches closer to the shopzies. Feedback in the megaphone.
Caspar:
(In the megaphone.) Ahem. Attention, Shopzies. Have you met my friend Melvis!!
The shopzies roar at the sight of the cabbage patch doll and start running.
Caspar:
Oh shit!
Tamara:
Let’s go!
Caspar:
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. Hit it!
The wheels of the security cart screech and they take off with the shopzies right behind them.
Caspar:
Goddamn, they are fast!
Tamara:
All they do is run!
Caspar:
Are we going to be able to stay ahead of them?
Tamara:
I think so, this thing’s never gone this fast before, what did he do to it?
Caspar:
We could ask him but neither of us would understand it. Are we going to hit a dead end or anything?
Tamara:
No, this whole place is a circle, we can lead them around like this til the wheels come off.
Effie:
(In the PA system.) Caspar, how’s all your foolishness working out for you?
Caspar:
Good, I think. We’re going to be coming around the mountain again, though. Y’all get in the diner while they’re distracted.
Effie:
On our way.
Tamara:
... So they can just show up in anything that has a speaker?
Caspar:
Pretty much, yeah.
Tamara:
... Man, what the fuck is going on?
Caspar:
Ha! What do you mean, Tamara? You’re driving a golf cart through a mall being chased by zombies who crave cabbage patch kids. What? They didn’t cover this at Rent-a-Cop Academy?
Tamara:
They did not... You know that feeling when you get a good job and you just kind of say “Okay. This is it. I’m gonna settle into this and just cruise into it. Life will play out before me. Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas over and over again. I’ll find somebody to do it with maybe. I’ll get grey hair, I’ll get bored, I’ll go on vacation, I’ll come back, maybe I’ll get a dog. Just cruise.”
Caspar:
And then?
Tamara:
And then this happens. Going to be hard to go back to just cruising after something like this. If I make it out of this.
Caspar:
You’ll make it out just fine. We have a 100% success rate.
Tamara:
Success at what?
Caspar:
The key to our success is not defining what success is... Y’know, this diner that brought us here, when I first found it I thought it was just a diner. And then suddenly I was on another planet.
Tamara:
Another planet?
Caspar:
Yes.
Tamara:
So it’s not a time machine?
Caspar:
No, it’s that too.
Tamara:
Where did you go?
Caspar:
A planet called Garrion.
Tamara:
What was it like?
Caspar:
Well it was weird Tamara, it was another planet. Hang on, they’re falling behind.
Caspar:
(Into megaphone.) Let’s go, Shopzies, pick up the pace. These dolls don’t grow on trees.
Caspar:
But then the next day was another planet, and another and another. Eventually I landed on a planet named Thegrion. And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t all that weird.
Tamara:
How?
Caspar:
Thegrion was in a planet wide day of mourning. People started coming in needing to be fed, needing coffee. They needed to just be around each other. So I just started winging it. Making them what food I could, I made some coffee and they just sat with each other. So there I was, on another planet, a diner full of aliens, and it was somehow normal. And that’s what I’ve found, in the VERY long time that I’ve been working there... it’s the same shit everywhere.
Tamara:
The crazed mob behind us is not the same shit as everywhere else.
Caspar:
A crazed mob desperately clamoring for something that is, in the end, actually worthless? I bet you see quite a lot of that, don’t you?
Tamara:
So can you tell me what happens in the future, or not?
Caspar:
It doesn’t work that way. I can tell you what MIGHT happen, but so can anybody else. For example, what might happen is that a couple of years from now two movies are going to come out: “Terminator” and “Back to the Future”. They’re going to totally fuck up how people think about time and how it behaves.
Tamara:
I was hoping you were going to be able to give me something.
Caspar:
You already got a 100,000 dollar diamond, Tamara, don’t get greedy.
Tamara:
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I’ve got to get out of here so I can go shopping.
Caspar:
And I think that’s the irony of the day, you need to escape the mall so you can go shopping.
Tamara:
That lady. The scientist. You think she’s going to be able to figure something out?
Caspar:
If anyone can.
Tamara:
And then she fixes it and for the rest of my life I just...
Caspar:
No matter how weird or normal, in the end you’re always going to be just winging it like I was. There’s no voice from above to guide you.
Zebulon:
(From the PA system above.) Pardon me, Caspar. Might I offer some guidance?
Caspar:
Except for maybe that one. Sure, Zebulon. What’s up?
Zebulon:
I would just like to offer something from Hebrews. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Tamara:
The voices are quoting the bible to me now?
Caspar:
The funny thing is, Zebulon thinks he’s making it more normal by doing that.
Tamara:
These days I’ve been going with: “I am making my way in the wilderness and streams of the wasteland.”
Caspar:
Isaiah. Lovely. Are you a church going woman, Tamara?
Tamara:
Oh Sure. Cuyahoga 1st Baptist. Always brought lemon bars to the bake sale.
Zebulon:
Good. Because Caspar is a very wise person.
Caspar:
Thank you, Zebulon.
Zebulon:
He is also wrong.
Caspar:
You know, just one compliment from someone at some point would be great.
Zebulon:
Effie and I have seen the wonders of many worlds as Caspar has, but through it all we have seen a constant.
Caspar:
That is true. Hot Dog on a Stick, not going anywhere.
Zebulon:
Though the world may bear no resemblance to the one you knew, there is always something that endures. Something eternal.
Caspar:
You’re not allowed to say “God” for everything, Zebulon, it’s not duct tape-
Zebulon:
AND THAT ETERNAL THING IS... Watching them care for each other. That has endured through it all. Do you have someone to care for, Tamara?
Tamara:
Is this dude telling me to go get a boyfriend?
Caspar:
Yes.
Effie:
Not as such, Tamara. He’s just telling you to fill up the room you’re gonna die in.
Caspar:
He’s what?!
Effie:
We’re saying somewhere out there is the room you’re going to die in. How full of people is that room right now? Should it be more full?
Zebulon:
I don’t know if I was going to say it exactly like that.
Effie:
Well, I think you understand what I’m saying. Let’s talk on a more pressing matter, are you making these lemon bars with butter or shortening?
Tamara:
...Shortening?
Caspar:
(In the megaphone.) Shopzies it is looking like all of you have skipped leg day, pick up the pace!
Door chime.
Ava:
Okay, how much time do we have?
Leif:
Plenty of time before we jump but I’m overclocking the battery on that golf cart, so we’ve only got an hour before Caspar gets turned into Zombie chow.
Gloria:
Is that going to be enough time?
Ava:
I don’t know.
Gloria:
What are we doing?
Ava:
Yes... yeas, what are we doing?... Okay I just need you two to be quiet for a minute okay?
Gloria:
Okay. What’s going to happen?
Ava:
Silence is going to happen...
Gloria:
Okay...
Ava:
(Deep breath.) ... two competing systems in a closed field one system native non-native system is capable of analysis and sampling with seeming sentience non-native system is non-agressive static within contrary system how does it sustain itself how.. does... it... sustain... itself...
Gloria:
Is she doing slam poetry?
Leif:
No idea.
Ava:
Oh... Ohhhhhhhhh... shared energy system leading to degradation of the minor system which system is minor? Who is tiny who is big... Newest system would have to be.
Ava:
(To Leif.) This is all temporary.
Leif:
Great.
Ava:
How temporary? 61 days she said with no registered degradation she said it was getting worse which means upswing in new system could still be occurring we’re still at the beginning of the beginning.
Ava:
(To Leif.) It’s going to take a while though.
Gloria:
We don’t have a while.
Ava:
Snowballs. Like a snowball running down a hill it can’t go forever but can’t be stopped and gets bigger as it goes until it... What stops a snowball?
Leif:
A tree?
Ava:
Tree tree tree what’s the equivalent of a tree in this analogy two competing landscapes of energy one out of control the other static what’s a tree what’s a tree what’s a tree... Aha. A third system. A third system standing there like a tree.
Gloria:
Ava.
Caspar:
(Driving by outside. On the megaphone.) Is that all you’ve got?! Come on Shopzies, WORK for Melvis!
Ava:
Right. Okay. We have to let the Zombies in.
Gloria:
I quit.
We hear the hum of the golf cart and a chime overhead.
Effie:
Attention Caspar, please bring your wagon train back to the diner.
Caspar:
What?
Zebulon:
Ava has a plan.
Caspar:
See, what did I tell you?
Zebulon:
You are to lead the angry mob back to the diner and lure them inside.
Caspar:
Inside the diner?
Tamara:
Why would we do that?
Effie:
Caspar, how in the heck am I supposed to know why we’re doing this? I don’t even understand how that tiny automobile works.
Caspar:
Okay, fine. Tell everyone to get ready. We’re coming up on it right now.
Zebulon:
Godspeed, Caspar.
Caspar:
Sure
Effie:
(Now in the radio.) Keep a lookout y’all, here he comes.
Leif:
Why is this going to work?
Ava:
Some trees, when they’re under attack by caterpillars emit a smell. That smell attracts wasps and the wasps kill the caterpillars. Every system has corrective agents.
Leif:
Who’re the wasps in this scenario?
Ava:
I think we are. We’re responding to an attack.
Gloria:
Here he comes.
Door chime.
Leif:
Ditch the golf cart! Get in here!
Caspar:
Okay!
Gloria:
Hurry!
Caspar:
Running running running. We made it!
Leif:
No! Keep going!
Tamara:
What?!
Leif:
We’re going out the back!
Caspar:
Why?!
Gloria:
Let’s go!
Ava:
Drop the doll!
Caspar:
Good luck, Melvis!
They exit through the back and the back door slams shut.
Leif:
Everybody up against the door!
The shopzies begin slamming into the back door. They all strain against the door to stop them.
Caspar:
I thought they wanted the doll!
Gloria:
I don’t think they know what they’re doing!
Leif:
I’m going around to the front to bar the door, we need to trap them in there.
Tamara:
Then what?!
Ava:
Then we wait.
Caspar:
Wait for what?
Ava:
For me to be right again.
Gloria:
Uh... the Mucklewains are going to be alright in there, right?
Inside the diner, the seething masses of Shopzies mill about without direction.
Zebulon:
Well, now.
Effie:
It is a captive congregation but certainly one in need.
Zebulon:
Yes. Good afternoon to you all. What shall the reading be today, dear?
Effie:
Uh, well, it better be something about somebody getting resurrected.
Zebulon:
Yes. Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”
Later. The diner is full of former shopzies recovering from their sixty-one day madness.
Gloria:
(To the room.) Everybody take it slow, okay? If you need more coffee or food just talk to one of us. You’re safe now. Hey.
Tamara:
Hi. These tacos are amazing.
Gloria:
Thanks.
Tamara:
But it’s called Midnight Burger?
Gloria:
Yeah, I know. It’s a good name.
Tamara:
I guess everybody’s back to normal now.
Gloria:
-ish.
Tamara:
So in a little while you’ll all just kind of “poof”?
Gloria:
Pretty much.
Tamara:
That will be something to see. No way the army guys outside are going to believe me.
Gloria:
You can skip the part about the diner. Just walk out there and tell them that they all snapped out of it somehow. Then, after a few months of making sure you’re not a threat, they can let you have a normal life if you want.
Leif:
Hey, Tamara. We’re probably going to jump soon and you don’t want to be here when we do.
Tamara:
Alright, I’ll start to gather everybody up. I’m not going to see you all ever again am I?
Leif:
The chances of that are pretty slim, but anything’s possible. As you can see.
Tamara:
One more thing: How do I sell a big ass diamond?
Leif:
It’s pretty easy, I’ll walk you through it.
Caspar:
Hello!
Caspar sits at ava’s booth.
Ava:
Please, make yourself comfortable.
Caspar:
I got you something.
Ava:
If you brought one of those fucking dolls in here.
Caspar puts several pencils on the table.
Caspar:
... Pencils.
Ava:
I can see that.
Caspar:
There they are.
Ava:
What is all over them?
Caspar:
I believe those are My Little Ponies.
Ava:
You expect me, as a grown woman, to use pencils with little ponies on them?
Caspar:
You said you needed pencils.
Ava:
Were you... enjoying yourself today?
Caspar:
... Maybe, a little.
Ava:
Why?
Caspar:
I discovered something.
Ava:
What’s that?
Caspar:
Remember when we were fighting and you said “Leif does this, Gloria does this, I do this, and then there’s you.” Implying that I contribute in no way to anything that goes on here?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
And do you remember how that was psychologically damaging for me to hear and I may be scarred for life now, do you remember that part?
Ava:
You’re welcome.
Caspar:
I figured it out. I do dumb shit. That’s what I bring to the table.
Ava:
Dumb shit.
Caspar:
Yes. Leading the Shopzies away from the diner on a golf cart. I do that. That’s MY thing.
Ava:
Any of us could’ve done that.
Caspar:
It’s like modern art. Yes, you could’ve done that yourself, but you didn’t think to?
Ava:
Well congratulations on being the dumb shit guy.
Caspar:
Thank you... No sign of our new friend today.
Ava:
No... but she’s out there somewhere... she is out there somewhere...
Slowly the sound of a dinner party fades in. We begin to hear a familiar speech.
Ava:
Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that sixty to sixty-five percent of you are here to make sure you don’t miss out on any gossip. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit-sack of a university.
Light laughter.
Ava:
Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming viking boat of academia. I did so under viscous rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor. I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tycho Brahe who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fist fight, and Pythagoras who had an inexplicable fear of beans.
Laughter.
Ava:
You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so here goes. As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us. That our curiosity about the cosmos, may be reciprocated. Do our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question, and are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer. Are the scientist and their subject like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin... well, that got a little sexy didn’t it?
Laughter. SUddenly time speeds up and we speed through the rest of the evening, stopping at the end of the night.
Ava:
Good night everyone! Drive safe, there are dangerous deer out there! They LOVE going through your windshield. Can’t get enough of it.
Front door closes. Ava sits and pours a drink.
Ava:
And that, as they say, is that... Oh....
Clementine:
Hi.
Ava:
Hark. A straggler.
Clementine:
I liked your speech.
Ava:
Thanks. Did I make a speech?
Clementine:
Yes, it was at the beginning of the night.
Ava:
Ah. Feels a million miles away. Who are you?
Clementine:
...Clementine.
The end.