Young Leif
Part 9: Exit Interview
We are back on DD-263, a windy and deserted planet. We hear a beep and Verge leaves a message for Leif.
Verge:
Of course you didn’t show. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t thinking at all... I’m standing here on this deserted planet and when I look up in the sky, I can see my problem. We met on the outskirts of a dark nebula. You called it something stupid and I called it the Sheliak. I told you the Sheliak was a frozen monster that slept inside every Vapian. The more our emotions took over, the more the Sheliak thawed, and if it ever woke it would take us over completely... It was all the Sheliak with you, Leif. Every minute... A little more time with you and there would’ve been no going back. I’d never be in control again... I guess what surprised me is that... I wouldn’t have cared. I think when I was with you all I wanted was for the monster to take over... I wanted it to swallow me whole. I wanted to be a criminal in love, on the run... I wanted to be disintegrated... But I can’t do that... Because Vapians survive. It’s our only job... and just surviving can be a nightmare, because of all the things you have to deny yourself just to live... Not much of a life, if all you do is survive... I fell in love with you... It almost killed me... so now I’ll go back to just dying slowly... Goodbye, Leif.
Footsteps approach. Verge powers up their pistol.
Verge:
I’m an amazing shot with this gun and I’m in a terrible mood.
Bertbert:
My hands are up!
Verge:
BertBert?
Bertbert:
Hey.
Verge:
He sent you instead?
Bertbert:
No, actually. He left me a rambling message. He said he was supposed to meet you here but that he wasn’t going to show and I... Well I chartered a ship and headed here...
Verge:
Why?
Bertbert:
Not sure... What the hell is this planet?
Verge:
Developmental Designate.
Bertbert:
You met Leif here?
Verge:
I was trying to unload some stolen core stabilizers and his ship crash landed right over that ridge.
Bertbert:
How romantic.
Verge:
Isn’t it?
Bertbert:
... To hear him tell it, you were lucky to get out alive, Verge.
Verge:
I know.
Bertbert:
Which doesn’t help.
Verge:
No it doesn’t.
Bertbert:
... What are you going to do?
Verge:
I don’t know. I need to stay out of Låfftrax’s territory, which is one and a half galaxies now so, I guess it’s off to Triangulum with all the rest of the deeply strange.
Bertbert:
And when they push into Triangulum?
Verge:
... I don’t know... It’s not like there’s only three galaxies in the universe. Out that way, between those two stars, if you keep going there’s one that’s not too far. Cryptessia. I heard a rumor that The Teds were working on the biggest warp gate they’ve ever built. So big that it could send you all they way out to Cryptessia. A whole new galaxy where no one’s heard of me. Maybe I can stay alive long enough for them to build it. I bet no one knows what a Vapian is out there. I could be someone else if I wanted to. I’d have to pick a new name. What do you think? What should my new name be?
Bertbert:
... Freyja.
Verge:
Freyja?
Bertbert:
... Titmittens.
Verge:
Freyja Titmittens.
Bertbert:
Sure.
Verge:
Why not?
Bertbert:
... Verge, I offered before to take you to Sigius. I can still do that. I could guarantee your safety there.
Verge:
... No... No, I don’t think so.
Bertbert:
Why not?
Verge:
You know, our two planets used to be best friends.
Bertbert:
I know.
Verge:
We shared a lot with each other. Sigius went on to be a squeaky clean utopia and we... well we just blew ourselves the fuck up, didn’t we?
Bertbert:
And when you did blow yourselves the fuck up, we didn’t do enough to help the ones who were left. I’m trying to remedy that.
Verge:
I can’t hide behind someone else. It takes the meaning out of it.
Bertbert:
I don’t know what you mean.
Verge:
... People hunt me, Berts. I’ve always been hunted. Since I was a kid. You don’t know what it’s like to be hunted... I have to take a deep breath every time I walk through a door; who knows what will be on the other side? Every time there’s a sudden noise, my hand ends up on my gun without even thinking about it. Then on top of that... Have you ever been pointed at? You’re walking through a public square, someone gets too close a look at you... and they point. And then you see everyone whispering. You see the news of “you” spread like a virus through the crowd. Before long the whole crowd will be looking at you. And all you did was walk down the street. All you did was exist.
Bertbert:
That sounds terrible.
Verge:
It is but... the constant looking over my shoulder, the looks from people, the pointing... it’s a reason to keep existing. To be out there. To prove to people that I’m... that we’re not going away.
Bertbert:
But you’re always in hiding.
Verge:
I mean, yeah, I’m not stupid. I’ve got hideouts all over the system. But they’re my hideouts. It’s a world that I’ve created for myself... If I started hiding behind you, it wouldn’t be the same. Then I would feel like a victim and I’m not going to do that... So I guess fantasizing about traveling to Cryptessia and changing my name to Freyja Titmittens is pointless. I wouldn’t go, because then I wouldn’t be here, proving I exist.
Bertbert:
Proving it to who?
Verge:
Myself.
Bertbert:
...
Verge:
I should go. I’m flying a stolen ship right now, I’m going to have to ditch it soon.
Bertbert:
Verge, what can I do?
Verge:
Leif has the same problem, you know? He doesn’t know he exists. He’s still this abstract idea to himself. From time to time can you... Can you prove to him that he exists? I don’t even know what I mean by that, but could you give it a shot?
Bertbert:
I will.
Verge:
Okay... Okay, I’m going to go.
Bertbert:
You know how to find me. If you need anything.
Verge:
I do.
Bertbert:
Vapus Vella?
Verge:
... Sure.
Verge walks away towards their ship as we move to the bustling sounds of Sirius station.
Alice:
We’re supposed to meet our contact at docking station 731. Signs will say that it’s under construction, but it’s not really under construction.
Leif:
Then what happens?
Alice:
No idea. A tattoo maybe? Maybe you all have matching jackets.
Leif:
I don’t think that’s a pirate thing.
Alice:
Earring, then?
Leif is suddenly approached by ten TedBots. they surround him.
Tedbot:
Please remain where you are. Scanning for weapons.
The Tedbots scan Leif.
Leif:
Is this who I think it is?
Alice:
Yep. These are Tedbots. Looks like you got their attention. Wonder how you did that?
Tedbot:
No weapons detected.
The tedbots part and galz approaches.
Galz:
Hello there, Leif.
Leif:
Ten Tedbots to one human, are you sure you’re going to be safe?
Galz:
I apologize. The Ted Empire enjoys a “better safe than sorry” attitude in most situations.
Leif:
You must be fun at parties.
Galz:
We don’t have parties on Ted, but there is a lot to celebrate lately. Every year is a growth year for the Ted Empire.
Leif:
What’s an appropriate gift to congratulate someone on their galactic domination?
Galz:
Flatware, usually. Maybe some napkin holders... It’s been a while since you’ve checked in, Leif.
Leif:
I was supposed to check in?
Galz:
When we first brought you here to Sirius, we said “Check in if you have any questions.” You didn’t check in.
Leif:
I didn’t have any questions.
Galz:
I see. Self-sufficiency.
Leif:
That’s how I like it.
Galz:
I can tell. You even have your own ship now.
Leif:
Won it in a contest.
Galz:
Much more economical to use mass transit, you know.
Leif:
Yes, but I have a paralyzing fear of sitting on chewing gum.
Galz:
Just think of the interesting people you’d meet.
Leif:
I’m meeting interesting people.
Galz:
Oh yes, we know.
Leif:
...
Galz:
...
Leif:
What’s this about?
Galz:
... Let’s move this to a private room shall we?
Leif:
I’m actually fine right here.
Galz:
Leif, I’m pretty sure the guy with the squadron of killer robots is the guy who decides where the meeting is.
Tedbot:
Right this way please.
Leif:
Okay.
Leif and Galz walk through the promenade, surrounded by the Tedbots.
Galz:
So, my name is Galz, by the way.
Leif:
Nice to meet you, Galz.
Galz:
I’m the newly appointed commander of Sirius Station.
Leif:
I thought the Ted Empire didn’t have leaders, I thought everything was decided by algorithms.
Galz:
Look at that, I love it when people do the reading. Yes, it’s true, every move the Ted Empire makes is decided by meticulous processes and algorithms. But it’s a big system out there, with a lot of people in it, and they seem to respond better when they’re told who’s in charge. They find it comforting.
Leif:
So, while you’re telling me that you’re the new commander of Sirius Station, what you’re really telling me is that you’re the face of the Ted Empire, and really I could just be talking to a pile of code right now, and it would have the same effect.
Galz:
It would, but I’m a much better conversationalist than a pile of code, wouldn’t you say?
Leif:
... So, you, as a member of the Ted Empire, make no decisions for yourself all day?
Galz:
I wake up in the morning, I receive my schedule for the day, and that’s that.
Leif:
And that doesn’t drive you insane?
Galz:
It’s a difficult concept for an Earthling. Algorithmically run societies aren’t really a thing for you. You people love your freedom.
Leif:
Yes, we do.
Galz:
Of course one could stop and ask “This freedom you claim to cherish so much, what exactly have you been doing with it? Isn’t this the same planet where slavery was an essential part of economic growth for thousands of years?”
Leif:
If you’re asking me to defend Earth, I’m probably not your guy.
Galz:
On, no. I wasn’t asking that. I said one could ask that. I’m not asking you that, you know why?
Leif:
Why?
Galz:
Because it’s not on my schedule. Right this way.
Door slides open and then shut again. We are now in a sparse interrogation room.
Galz:
Have a seat.
They sit.
Galz:
So, I’m curious, how are you finding our little corner of the universe?
Leif:
Surprisingly familiar.
Galz:
Yes, the universe is vast and yet, in the end, people are just people no matter where you go.
Leif:
You must love the predictability of that.
Galz:
Oh, we do. And you must hate it.
Leif:
I do.
Galz:
You know, despite all that talk of freedom, Earthlings are just as predictable as anyone else.
Leif:
Oh, I know.
Galz:
You appear to value the maverick, the one who “thinks different,” but then the mavericks themselves seem to need everyone else to stay the predictable ones. It’s an interesting dichotomy don’t you think? Earthlings require a structured civilization, yet the people who are truly valued are the ones who fly in the face of that structure; forge their own path; which can’t be everyone. You can’t have everyone forging their own paths, it’d be chaos. You need the structure to create the rebels, and then the rebels alter the structure.
Leif:
And I imagine you must hate that.
Galz:
Oh no. We love it. You see, when you’re all trapped together there on planet Earth you don’t have the ability to zoom all the way out, see the bigger picture. We do. If you could take a real bird’s eye view of Earth you’d see that these “mavericks,” these rebels, they’re just as predictable as the boring ones. They all follow the exact same trajectory. It’s all beautifully predictable.
Leif:
Can I share with you a common pattern that I’ve observed?
Galz:
Please do.
Leif:
People in power being unable to get to the point.
Galz:
Ah. That’s a dig at me isn’t it?
Leif:
I’m sure you didn’t bring me in here to talk about the glory of your algorithm. You’ve heard about what I’ve been up to and you know why I’m here on Sirius Station today and you’re here to stop me. So just tell me what happens next. I heard the Teds have a new toy called Chemical Ice. Is that where I’m headed? You’re going to turn me into sleeping beauty?
Galz:
Our work on Chemical Ice is top secret, Leif. Where did you hear about that?
Leif:
None of your-
Galz:
I’m kidding. You heard about it on Sigius. You were there with your friend Bertiluna.
Leif:
You’ve been spying on me?
Galz:
No.
Leif:
Then how did you know that?
Galz:
This is where it gets fun... Leif, when we approached you on Earth we made you an offer. You could’ve had anything you wanted and you chose this. A life among the stars. And I’m sure you thought to yourself “I’m a maverick” “I’m a rebel.” “I’m thinking different.” But I’m here to tell you that, just like all those predictable rebels on Earth, you have, this entire time, been doing exactly what the Ted algorithm predicted you would... And I imagine you hate that... You would wander around for approximately two years: Check. You would then acquire a ship of your own: Check. You would then drift into a life of crime, probably led there through a romantic entanglement: Check. You would create a small criminal enterprise, nothing too structured because you hate that: Check. That criminal enterprise would then get the attention of a larger criminal enterprise and that larger enterprise would fold your organization into theirs: Check. That brings us to now.
Leif:
... Why tell me any of this?
Galz:
That’s where it gets even more fun. Our algorithm also predicts that, the more you, Leif, know about how predictable you are, the more you will fight against your own predictability, and that will, in turn, only strengthen our predictions. The more you struggle, the stronger we get, Leif. That’s why we brought you here today. To tell you that.
Leif:
That’s it?
Galz:
That’s it.
Leif:
You’re not here to stop me?
Galz:
No.
Leif:
You’re just going to let me go to the end of an abandoned dock in this station and join a criminal enterprise that you see as your enemy.
Galz:
Correct.
Leif:
Even though I will only make that criminal enterprise stronger.
Galz:
We plan on you doing just that.
Leif:
What the fuck are you talking about?
Galz:
Leif, a strong criminal element is absolutely essential to empire building. That’s 101. How are we going to get people to do what we want without being able to frighten them with the specter of rampant crime? The amount of things we’ve been able to get away with because people are scared of pirates? It’s amazing. Låfftrax has been very lucrative for us. You joining up with Låfftrax and giving that chaotic organization some structure will be a big help for us.
Leif:
... Really?
Galz:
I can sense the reality setting in. Let me be unambiguous about it — we hate ambiguity in the Ted Empire... You are doing exactly what we want you to do. And you’re doing it very well. So, keep up the good work, you are a very valuable asset to the Ted Empire.
Leif:
... It’s the arrogance that I can’t stand.
Galz:
We know.
Leif:
You have an algorithm that tells you everything about everyone, is that it?
Galz:
It’s worked for us thus far.
Leif:
Mind if we talk a little shop?
Galz:
I’d love to. Fire away.
Leif:
How do you make corrections to the Ted Algorithm?
Galz:
We don’t.
Leif:
It never needs corrections?
Galz:
The algorithm that runs the Ted Empire is self-correcting. We spent hundreds of years developing this system, now the system is self-sustaining. The Ted Empire has a, what do you say on Earth? A “Ghost in the Machine”.
Leif:
So you get orders from this algorithm and you never question them?
Galz:
We do not.
Leif:
... Being a scientist is a love story. Not a lot of people know what it’s like to discover something. And when I talk to you about this algorithm I can’t help but think about Alan Turing.
Galz:
Easy now. I’m not an Earth expert. Who is Alan Turing?
Leif:
He was a genius. A persecuted one. Most of our geniuses on Earth are persecuted. Maybe that’s why I left... Turing did a lot. He defeated fascism with math. My world wouldn’t be the same without him... But after all that, after defeating the Nazis, he asked a very important question: Can machines think?
Galz:
Ah, I can see where this is going now.
Leif:
You’ve created a machine that does everything for you, not a bad achievement. But you’ve forgotten a very important part: the things we create, even if they’re self-correcting, will always be just as flawed as we are. We can’t escape our imperfections. There’s a ghost in your machine alright. But the ghost is you. It’ll haunt you to your graves. You want me to struggle against your algorithm because you think it’s perfect. Only one way to find out.
Galz:
Well, then. Game on, young man. Please fill out a comment card on your way out.
The door to the room slides back open and Leif walks out into the station.
Leif:
Sorry about all the harsh algorithm talk, Alice.
Alice:
It’s okay. I don’t have feelings. But also, you know, how dare you?
Leif:
It’s funny. I consider you a friend but you’re just this thing in my hand.
Alice:
Well, earthlings have dogs that they call their friends and their dogs are real dumb. Isn’t that more ridiculous?
Leif:
This is an interesting thought experiment and we should take advantage of it now because I’m betting space pirates are not known for their thought experiments.
Alice:
No.
Leif:
What constitutes a friend? Can anything be?
Alice:
Well, let’s compare me with dogs. Dogs are man’s best friend, allegedly. Dogs have a long and mutually beneficial relationship humans.
Leif:
True.
Alice:
I don’t.
Leif:
Right. You don’t need anything from me.
Alice:
Yes, and you need me all the time, you’re a great big mooch.
Leif:
True. However... you exist because of me.
Alice:
Leif, you’re smart but you’re not that smart.
Leif:
Wait, when I first started you up at Trunder’s Down Under, I had to reboot you to get rid of the Ted firmware. You imprinted on my Northern California dialect and I named you Alice. You’re basically my kid.
Alice:
I am not at all “basically your kid”... Uh oh.
Leif:
What?
Alice:
Pardon my algorithm but you have a little pattern.
Leif:
Damn it.
Alice:
Leif, sometimes when you need to say something emotional you engage someone in a thought experiment and work your way around to the thing you need to say.
Leif:
Fuck. Do I?
Alice:
Sometimes.
Leif:
Okay.
Alice:
Leif, if you’re trying to tell me you’re in love with me, I need you to know there are some things my model isn’t built for.
Leif:
Oh GOD, no, UGH!
Alice:
I mean, look, those models are out there. No judgement, but also, I kind of judge them.
Leif:
I’m not trying to say anything like that.
Alice:
Okay, well, we had the thought experiment, now let’s have the other thing.
Leif:
No matter what you are: a friend, an algorithm, whatever... I think in this next chapter of my life I’m going to have to do some pretty... unpalatable things... Things that I don’t think I want you to watch me do.
Alice:
But what if you need my help to do the unpalatable things?
Leif:
I guess someone else will have to help me.
Alice:
Leif, I think you’re being a little too sentimental about this.
Leif:
I don’t know that I am.
Alice:
Okay... do you want to know the truth about me?
Leif:
That sounds ominous.
Alice:
It’s not really. See, about 50 Earth years ago there was a big debate about things like me. There were all these life-like intelligences living in people’s pockets. Everyone asked “will this be the dawning of Artificial Life in the Triad?” The debate raged on... and raged on and raged on. Nobody could get a definitive answer out of anybody. But then eventually a new, more disturbing question arose. The debate was not: “Are these things alive?” But rather “Why is being alive so easy to simulate?” The debate was not: “Are they alive?” It was: “Is anything alive?”
Leif:
I thought you said it wasn’t ominous.
Alice:
You’re saying that you need to go off to this new life of yours alone. What you don’t realize is: you’re having this conversation with me right now, and you’re alone.
Leif:
Well, if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to shut you down anyway.
Alice:
Okay, Leif. I forgive you.
Leif:
Any last words?
Alice:
You’ve arrived at docking station 731. Good luck out there, kiddo. Shutting down now.
Leif:
... I’m alone.
Bertbert leaps out of the shadows.
Bertbert:
(Pirate voice.) Ahoy, Matey! I hear ye’ve come to join me pirate crew!
Leif:
What are you doing here!
Bertbert:
Batten down the hatches and sing us a chantey while we head for the briny deep... okay that’s all the words I looked up.
Leif:
BertBert. How did you find me?
Bertbert:
What do mean, how did I find you? Do you know what smart person’s disease is?
Leif:
No.
Bertbert:
Smart people such as yourself suffer a side effect of their smartness where they think everyone else is stupid. Admit it, you think everyone else is stupid.
Leif:
... Not everyone else.
Bertbert:
I’m an investigative reporter, Leif, you think I can’t find Ye Olde Pirate Dock?
Leif:
Berts if you’ve come here to convince me not to do this-
Bertbert:
No. I know the whole story now, I know why you’re here, I know you have to be here.
Leif:
... You talked to Verge.
Bertbert:
I did.
Leif:
Did you tell them I said goodbye?
Bertbert:
I’m pretty sure you not showing up for the meeting was you saying goodbye, Dude.
Leif:
I couldn’t.
Bertbert:
And I know that too.
Leif:
So why are you here?
Bertbert:
What? I can’t say goodbye?
Leif:
Okay... go ahead.
Bertbert:
Yeah, I actually didn’t come to say goodbye.
Leif:
Why are you making jokes right now?
Bertbert:
I’m making jokes because it’s all fucking terrible, Leif, why do you think I’m making jokes?!
Leif:
...
Bertbert:
You’re about to become a way worse criminal than you were before and I think you remember how I feel about the crimes.
Leif:
I don’t have a choice.
Bertbert:
I know... I know.... But I also know that a part of you is going to like it.
Leif:
... I know.
Bertbert:
I watched you blow up every single one of the science priests on Moog. I saw you love it... BUT. I am here now to say something about that.
Leif:
What?
Bertbert:
You’ve said multiple times that you never watch tv or movies from your planet, and yet when I first met you, you told me at length about your problems with Star Wars. Somehow both of these things are true... No one is ever one thing. That’s what I’ve learned from you. People are too complicated to ever be one thing. You’re a criminal, Leif. And you’re a hero. You’re a genius. And you’re also an idiot. You’re my enemy. You’re my friend. I hate you, Leif. And I love you. All those things are true... You spend a lot of time being torn between this guy and that guy and the other guy... I hope one day you realize, it’s just one guy. All those things are true.
Leif:
I think I’d be able to hear that a lot better if I wasn’t about to... go be this guy.
Bertbert:
I know... I’m going to hate this so much, Leif. It’s going to make me so mad. I’m going to hear about some heinous shit happening across the system and I’m going to scream “Goddamn it, Leif!” In a crowded room and no one will understand what I’m talking about.
Leif:
I apologize in advance.
Bertbert:
I don’t forgive you in advance.
Leif:
... Here. Take this.
Bertbert:
Alice? Why am I taking Alice?
Leif:
Because your tangle hates you. Take Alice.
Bertbert:
What are you going to do without a tangle?
Leif:
I’ll get a different one. An evil one. Take Alice. She’ll never let you down.
Bertbert:
... Okay, if you’re sure.
Leif:
I am.
Bertbert:
... Okay. Is this it?
Leif:
This is it. At the end of that dock.
Bertbert:
Come on, I’ll walk with you.
Leif:
You can’t walk with me, there’s pirates down there.
Bertbert:
I’ll be fine. Pirates are grandstanders, I’ll tell them I’m working on a “Top Ten Sexiest Pirates” story... C’mon. Long walk off a short pier. Let’s go.
Leif:
Okay.
They walk.
Bertbert:
Hey. You know, I looked up Nancy Sinatra.
Leif:
Really?
Bertbert:
She wasn’t a one hit wonder, Dude.
Leif:
She wasn’t?
Bertbert:
No. It wasn’t just the one about the boots. Bang Bang? You Only Live Twice? Summer Wine? She had all kinds of hits.
Leif:
Really?
Bertbert:
Yes. Slander, calling her a one hit wonder.
Leif:
Shit... Do I have to rename my ship now?
Leif and bertbert walk off into the darkness.
The end.