Welcome to the Horizon
Part 9: Sous les Pavés, la Plage!
We hear the tranquil sounds of hood’s pocket. Frank walks out onto his porch and sits with a cup of coffee and enjoys the silence.
Frank:
(Singing.) ... In the big rock candy mountain, you never clean your socks, and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks...
We hear the bell of Trinkett’s bicycle.
Trinkett:
Hello.
Frank:
Hello. Coffee?
Trinkett:
Ooh. No, thank you.
Frank:
Already started the day with burdock root tea or something?
Trinkett:
I actually did, how did you know?
Frank:
I was joking.
Trinkett:
It flushes out toxins.
Frank:
Whatever.
Trinkett sits.
Trinkett:
You’re in a good mood.
Frank:
I am. I’ve found the key to happiness.
Trinkett:
Have you? Please share.
Frank:
All week long, throughout the day I’ve been doing this: “Eldin?”... “Hey, Eldin”... “Eldin?”... Nothing. It’s been amazing.
Trinkett:
I can do that all the time— is that why I’m so happy?
Frank:
Maybe.
Trinkett:
Do you want to borrow my rotary phone?
Frank:
I think I’ll go one step further. I’m going to get one of those hand-cranked ones. I’ll have to stand at the wall to use it.
Trinkett:
Maybe just a telegraph?
Frank:
Even further. A couple of tin cans, some string?
Trinkett:
Do you want to hear the news from the town square or not?
Frank:
Two more minutes.
Trinkett:
Okay.
Frank:
How are you doing?
Trinkett:
... I’m okay... The mountain is okay. Natural systems are always more resilient than we think they are. I was feeling pretty sick for a couple of days.
Frank:
Luckily you had some burdock tea.
Trinkett:
Yes, Frank. Luckily.
Frank:
... I was worried about you for a second.
Trinkett:
I know. I’ll be okay... We need to watch that third movie, what’s it called?
Frank:
Return of the Jedi.
Trinkett:
Right.
Frank:
Maybe not the most important thing right now.
Trinkett:
I don’t know, that guy is frozen in that thing. He’s just going to stay frozen until I watch the next movie.
Frank:
He’ll be fine.
Trinkett:
Okay, but as soon as all this is over we’ve got to get back to it.
Frank:
Okay.
Trinkett:
Speaking of which.
Frank:
Okay, fine. What’s the news?
Trinkett:
Refugees.
Frank:
Refugees?
Trinkett:
Everyone in the big city is worried that something bad is coming.
Frank:
That’s almost certainly true.
Trinkett:
Some of them think they might be safer here in town.
Frank:
That’s almost certainly not true.
Trinkett:
Regardless, we’ve got a bunch of abandoned houses up here from when people initially fled town. People are trying to move in.
Frank:
Really?
Trinkett:
Yes.
Frank:
How many people?
Trinkett:
I don’t know.
Frank:
Okay... Well, I hope Steve has a plan.
Trinkett:
You hope Steve has a plan?
Frank:
I do. He’s the man with the plan.
Trinkett:
Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?
Frank:
I’m serious.
Trinkett:
You can’t be.
Frank:
Hey, it was Steve’s plan that got us this far, I’m sure he’ll have another plan up his sleeve.
Trinkett:
This is not the reaction I was expecting.
Frank:
I can be full of surprises. Why do I have to be the dependable one?
Trinkett:
Because it’s freaking me out.
Frank:
Look, here’s what’s going to happen: Steve is going to walk around like he’s the mayor. Excuse me, deputy mayor. And he’s going to start solving problems left and right. He’s Mr. Solutions, that guy.
Trinkett:
I think this is going to take a little more organization than Steve is capable of.
Frank:
I know, but you know what’s going to happen next? Doug is going to happen. Doug is going to get out his golden clipboard and start organizing things. He’s going to have a list of all the vacant houses and who’s moving into each one. He’s going to check off boxes. He loves checking off boxes.
Trinkett:
So you’re fine with a bunch of strangers suddenly moving to town?
Frank:
What am I going to do about it?
Trinkett:
Throw a tantrum like you usually do.
Frank:
I object to the word tantrum, first of all.
Trinkett:
Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this attitude. It’s very strange, coming from you. But I worry about the sarcasm levels.
Frank:
No sarcasm. I’m serious. Steve’s got this.
Trinkett:
... Who are you?
Frank:
I’m a guy who has just spent a week with no one bothering him and it has been fucking fantastic, Trinkett. More of that, please.
Trinkett:
You’re not just sitting there waiting for this to go horribly wrong, are you?
Frank:
Trinkett, we used to be a town full of fucking morons.
Trinkett:
What are you talking about?
Frank:
Fucking morons, Trikett. Now?... Look at us.
Trinkett:
... I mean, I do have to say, I didn’t see us as a group that was capable of freeing thousands of slaves and fighting off space pirates.
Frank:
Right?... Remember Charlie Delambert?
Trinkett:
Kind of. She collected something right? Obsessively.
Frank:
Watches.
Trinkett:
Right. But she wasn’t a collector.
Frank:
It was kind of pathological. If it had an hour hand and a minute had she had to take it home and file it away.
Trinkett:
I heard she had a lot of them.
Frank:
She had some sort of problem with her sceptic tank she wanted me to look at this one time. I’m walking through her house and it’s just shoe box after shoe box of these watches. This was during the era where everyone was getting a digital watch, so nobody wanted an old school watch anymore. And I say to her, “Charlie, what’s with all the watches?” And she couldn’t really explain it. She just said, “I don’t know, Frank. Where are they all going to go?”
Trinkett:
I love that. But also: Where are you taking me with this story?
Frank:
I go by her house one day, this was years ago, and she packing up her stuff. Moving away. I ask her what’s going on and she says that she bought a mango farm in Java.
Trinkett:
What?
Frank:
One of the watches she obsessively kept had a name engraved on the back. Alexei Leonov. He was a cosmonaut in the seventies. That watch had been on board the friggn’ Soyuz capsule. She sold it through a Russian auction house for an amount of money that I don’t want to say out loud because it makes me angry.
Trinkett:
Holy shit.
Frank:
The day before she sold that watch she was a nutcase with a hoarding problem. The day after? A genius... Everybody made fun of Tavrok back on Earth. How many lives did he save the other night?... None of us fit in back on Earth. Now?... Look at us.
Trinkett:
... That’s really beautiful, Frank.
Frank:
Like I said, it’s been a fantastic week.
Eldin:
(In Frank’s phone.) Frank?
Frank:
...
Eldin:
Frank, are you there?... Frank? I don’t think he’s receiving me yet.
Trinkett:
We’re here, Eldin.
Eldin:
Trinkett, where’s Frank?
Trinkett:
He’s here.
Eldin:
Is he trapped under something? Why isn’t he speaking?
Trinkett:
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think Frank’s being enjoying the week off.
Eldin:
I see. Well, I hope you’re well rested, Frank. All hell’s about to break loose.
We move to the bridge of the Alex P. Keaton. Dark leif enters.
Dark Leif:
Gort, wake up.
Gort:
Gort is awake.
Dark Leif:
What’s the traffic like on the other end of the warp gate?
Gort:
Gate traffic monitors are unavailable.
Dark Leif:
Why?
Gort:
Monitors disabled.
Dark Leif:
I see. They want me going in blind. Doesn’t matter.
Gort:
Incoming communication from Ted Command Station Delta.
Dark Leif:
I was waiting for this. Put it through.
Galz is patched through to the bridge.
Galz:
So, should I be worried that the most dangerous ship in the Triad is suddenly on the move or am I just being a worry-wort.
Dark Leif:
Hello, Galz.
Galz:
I though your raiding days were behind you, Leif.
Dark Leif:
It’s a special situation.
Galz:
Yes, I’ve been hearing about your special situation. What the hell is going on in your world?
Dark Leif:
Nothing to worry about.
Galz:
Nothing to worry about?
Dark Leif:
Nothing I can’t handle.
Galz:
So, you’re telling me there wasn’t a massive explosion emanating from the Galaxy Brain a few days ago?
Dark Leif:
You’re not spying on me, are you, Galz?
Galz:
Who, me? We have a wonderful working relationship, Leif. One built on mutual trust.
Dark Leif:
I’m glad to hear that.
Galz:
If you’re having problems in your back yard, I just thought I should remind you that we share the same back yard.
Dark Leif:
I’m about to solve our mutual Raxius problem.
Galz:
... Really?
Dark Leif:
By the time I’m done, the Iron quadrant will be ready for development. Plenty of resources, no organized societies. It’ll be Christmas morning for the Ted empire by the time I’m done.
Galz:
That sounds enticing Leif, but, then again so do most fantastical things.
Dark Leif:
It’s not a fantasy. I should’ve done this a long time ago.
Galz:
Should’ve done what a long time ago?
Dark Leif:
We’ve been trying to take over the infrastructure of Raxius and make it our own. That was a mistake. The city’s inherently out of control.
Galz:
And your solution?
Dark Leif:
Destroy the city.
Galz:
... Destroy it?
Dark Leif:
We’re throwing good money after bad trying to control it. I’m going to wipe the slate clean. Start from scratch.
Galz:
Well, I’m no expert on intergalactic conquest or anything- oh wait, yes I am.
Dark Leif:
It’s going to be fine.
Galz:
What’s your plan for the refugees?
Dark Leif:
Minsky can handle the refugees. The dead people won’t be missed.
Galz:
This is not how the Ted Empire likes to do business, Leif.
Dark Leif:
Which is why you work with me. I do the things you don’t like to do.
Galz:
And if things just become more chaotic?
Dark Leif:
That’s enough performative hand-wringing, Galz. I know you’re already salivating over having a whole new quadrant to plunder. I create the chaos and the Teds get to swoop in as the benevolent saviors, handing out blankets to the survivors. And that will be that. The last bit of the Triad will be controlled by the both of us... We’ll finally be at the top of the shit pile.
Galz:
Very well. It’s a risk, but the risk falls squarely on you, which is how we like it.
Dark Leif:
There’s something you can do to speed this along, though.
Galz:
And what’s that?
Dark Leif:
I just need to borrow a few things. The sooner this is over, the better.
Galz:
Well, what’s mine is yours, of course.
Dark Leif:
Have a Tednaught meet us at the warp gate.
Galz:
Very well... I’m detecting a bit of a personal agenda on your part, Leif.
Dark Leif:
What the fuck do you care?
Galz:
I don’t. Do you want to know why? Because it’s never personal for the Ted Empire. You let emotions get involved? That’s when empires comes falling to the ground.
Dark Leif:
Thanks for the advice. I’d have some ships waiting outside the gate to Raxius, if I were you. This shit’s going to get messy.
Galz:
Well... Best of luck, Leif. And if you don’t make it out alive... It’s been a pleasure working with you.
Dark Leif:
Yeah... I hated every minute of it.
Galz:
Now, now. Remember what I said. Don’t make it personal.
Dark Leif:
... It’s all I’ve got left.
We move to Hood’s pocket town square. There is a crowd outside waiting to get a house. Steve addresses the cRowd.
Steve:
Alright y’all, listen up! We need everybody to have a little patience. We’re trying to find a place for everybody, and there’s a whole lot of you. I need the folks who have already signed up with Doug to go ahead and have a seat. And if you haven’t checked in with Doug, please form a single file line over here.
Doug:
Hello, everyone! So I’m going to need a few things. Your name, the number of people in your party and any special considerations we need to take into account. I’m already hearing that people from KBS1017 have to live in houses that face west. Boy, urban planning on your planet must be a nightmare, right?
From the back of the crowd, Geegaa tries to get their attention.
Geegaa:
Excuse me!
Doug:
Real quick before we get started, Donnie Darkko AKA Darkko the Destroyer, we do have a house available with nice flower bed, as you requested. Sit tight and we’ll get you some keys, okay? Alright everyone, one line, please.
Geegaa:
Excuse me, Edgy Steve?
Steve:
Oh, hey. It’s just Steve.
Geegaa:
Okay. Steve. I’m Geegaa.
Steve:
Yeah, I‘ve seen you around, you’re from, don’t tell me. AnderHo.
Geegaa:
Oh. Yeah, I am, how did you know that?
Steve:
I pay attention, Geegaa. Are you here looking for a place?
Geegaa:
No, I’m not. I need to warn you guys about something.
Steve:
Warn us? About what?
Geegaa:
You’re in danger. The whole city is, too. It’s really bad.
Steve:
I see. Let me guess. There’s a great big ship coming and it’s going to kill us all.
Geegaa:
Yeah, how did you know?
Steve:
We’re on it, Geegaa.
Eldin:
(In Steve’s phone.) Steve are you there?
Steve:
Hey, Eldin. What’s up?
Eldin:
Coming in for a landing now. Is everyone in the Sheep’s Eye?
Steve:
Yeah, we’re ready.
The phoenix comes roaring into the town square and comes in for a landing. As it does the crowd starts cheering.
Geegaa:
Why is everyone cheering?
Steve:
Because we’re the good guys.
Verge, Deidre and Leif all exit the phoenix.
Leif:
Hello, Hood’s Pocket!
Steve:
Welcome back, Y’all.
Leif:
I need to be greeted this way everywhere I go.
Verge:
It freaks me out a little bit.
Steve:
We’re all ready to go inside, y’all. We’ll be right behind you.
Leif:
Who’s your friend?
Steve:
Oh, this is Geegaa.
Leif:
Why is she starting at me?
Steve:
Geegaa?
Geegaa:
That’s...
Deidre:
Geegaa?
Geegaa:
Huh?
Deidre:
Geegaa, it’s me.
Geegaa:
Who?
Deidre activates her sham suit.
Steve:
Oh shit, Pink Deidre. Doug, check it out.
Doug:
What? Oh!
Deidre:
It’s me.
Geegaa:
Holy shit.
Deidre:
Hi.
Geegaa:
Misti?
Deidre:
Yeah. I was in disguise.
Geegaa:
Okay that’s... Deidre that’s my boss over there.
Deidre:
Oh. Shit. Right. Uh... You know how sometimes people have an evil twin?
Geegaa:
I guess.
Deidre:
He’s the opposite.
Geegaa:
O... kay?
Deidre:
Look, I don’t have time to explain right now. I’m so glad you got out of the Galaxy Brain. We’ve got to go in there and have a meeting.
Geegaa:
That’s Verge.
Deidre:
Yes. I’ll explain that too. I know, it’s really confusing. Wait here and I’ll be right back.
Geegaa:
Sure.
The door opens to the sheep’s eye and everyone files in. June is behind the bar.
June:
Hello and welcome, space adventurers. Verge, you look like shit.
Verge:
Well, I got shot a couple of times.
June:
Well, Jesus Christ, duck next time, dummy.
Verge:
Why didn’t I think of that?
June:
How many dozens of drinks can I get you?
Verge:
Three dozen, please. And please tell me there are some cigarettes back there somewhere.
Leif:
Frank.
Frank:
Leif, we have some great news.
Leif:
What’s that?
Frank:
We’re making you Hood’s Pocket employee of the month.
Leif:
I can die now.
Trinkett:
Deidre, sit down. Welcome back.
Deidre:
Hey, what did I miss?
Trinkett:
Well, Frank’s been in a good mood lately and it’s making all of us uncomfortable.
Celeste enters the bar.
Celeste:
Hello, everyone. Sorry I’m late, very un-military of me. Someone asked me for my autograph out there.
June:
We’re so hot right now. I’m going to release a children's book and a cosmetics line.
Celeste:
Has the meeting already started? What did I miss?
Frank:
The meeting hasn’t started, let’s get to it... Steve?
Steve:
What?
Frank:
Start the meeting.
Steve:
Me?
Frank:
Yeah, go for it.
Steve:
Oh. Okay sure, yeah... Uh. Okay. Welcome back to the away team.
Verge:
Thank you.
Steve:
It’s great to have y’all back, but trouble is on the way. Right, Eldin?
Eldin:
The name of the ship is the Alex P. Keaton. Don’t ask. It’s a massive starship that is armed to the teeth. Not the least of its armaments is an 80 ton rail gun— a Byzantine but effective weapon that launches an 80 ton projectile across very long distances. It’s a city killer. Luckily for us we had a head start and the ship is quite slow. But it will be crossing the warp gate into this quadrant any time now.
Trinkett:
Is this like the Death Star?
Eldin:
Who’s been showing Trinkett Star Wars?
Frank:
She insisted we watch it.
June:
I’m so proud of you, Trinkett.
Eldin:
It’s not a bad equivalency, Trinkett.
Trinkett:
So, maybe it has a secret place where we can shoot something into it and the whole thing explodes.
Eldin:
It doesn’t.
Leif:
Really an insult to engineers everywhere, that movie.
Frank:
Guys, I’m no expert, but last time I checked 80 tons was heavy.
Eldin:
It is, Frank.
Frank:
An army of psychotic zombies is one thing— how are we supposed to defend against an 80 ton bullet fired from space.
Leif:
We, uh... We have a plan for that.
Eldin:
It’s unconventional.
Deidre:
It’s crazy.
Verge:
We’ve had some crazy plans in the past. This one... Chef’s kiss, Leif.
Frank:
Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.
Steve:
What’s the plan?
Leif:
Let me save that for the end.
Eldin:
While in transit, I asked all of you to come up with options to defend the town. What have you come up with?
Steve:
I mean, speaking of crazy plans... Celeste?
Celeste:
Right. Well, we have some weapons at the base, sure, but since we were primarily a research station we weren’t armed to the teeth or anything.
Leif:
Yeah, Earth weapons aren’t going to be much use in this case.
Celeste:
But, um... Well... I’ve been seeing someone. And well, it’s very new but you know... It’s been very intense.
Leif:
What are we talking about?
Verge:
She’s fucking Slabz McTerpz.
Leif:
... What?
Verge:
You heard me.
Steve:
Is that the spiky guy?
June:
Yep!
Leif:
You’re fucking Slabz McTerpz.
Eldin:
She is.
Leif:
How?
Eldin:
Carefully, I would imagine.
Celeste:
I’d like to frame it in another way. He’s really quite charming.
Verge:
That’s true, actually.
Doug:
Uh, I’m sorry. Spikes?
Frank:
Guys, this is great news, because I thought we were running out of things to make fun of Celeste for. But can someone read me in here?
Eldin:
Slabz McTerpz and his Beautiful Boyz. They’re a very effective army of mercenaries who are currently encamped outside of Raxius.
Frank:
And Celeste is dating him?
Celeste:
Thank you, Frank, yes. We’re dating.
Trinkett:
Holy shit, Celeste.
Celeste:
I’m a little out of my comfort zone.
June:
Because of the poisonous spikes?
Celeste:
But it’s been good for me.
Doug:
The spikes are poisonous?
June:
Easy there, Doug. You’ve got a lizard girlfriend.
Doug:
Please don’t say that.
Leif:
Okay... Okay, so... I’m at a loss for words.
Celeste:
Long story short, he’s offered to help.
Frank:
So, we’re hiring mercenaries?
Celeste:
He said he’d do it for free.
June:
He’ll do it for free, but he’s going to tax that ass, am I right everybody?
Celeste:
June.
Eldin:
Alright, everyone. Let’s focus. Obviously we’ll need to work out the specifics with Slabz McTerpz. Let’s keep moving. Steve, what else?
Steve:
Okay, y'all also said that Raxius needed to be a united front before all this shit goes down. We've got the city pretty much behind us, but there is one holdout. The guy who controls the scrap yards and the chop shops on the north end of the city isn’t playing ball. So, we think he needs a bit of a personal touch.
June:
That’s where I come in.
Frank:
You’re going to send June to talk to this guy?
June:
Hey.
Steve:
They call him “Sir Party Animal.”
Frank:
Oh.
June:
See?
Frank:
Finally, your time to shine.
June:
I’ll head into town and meet with this guy. He’s going to love me.
Trinkett:
It’s sounding like some people might get hurt during all this. I’m going to head over to my place and make sure it’s a healing environment.
Doug:
I’ll keep things organized out there— try and get as many people indoors as I can.
Deidre:
And I guess I’ll open up the bar.
Frank:
Looks like everybody else has a job. What am I doing?
Verge:
You’re with me, Frank.
Frank:
What are we doing?
Verge:
It’s going to be fun.
Steve:
That’s everything on our end, Eldin. What’s the rest of this plan?
Eldin:
... Leif?
We move to the outside the sheep’s eye. The door opens and everyone heads off to attend to their duties.
Doug:
Okay, sorry, everyone... Guys, what happened to our line? We had such a good line going.
Steve:
C’mon, y’all! If you want a roof over your head you got to stand in line for it!
Leif:
Where is she?
Deidre:
Right over there.
Leif:
Okay.
June:
Anyone else surprised that Celeste’s sexual prowess is what’s keeping the town safe?
Celeste:
June, for the last time, it’s a deeply emotional relationship.
June:
I know, but that’s not as funny.
Leif:
Geegaa?
Geegaa:
Uh. Hi.
Leif:
I’m sure this is disorienting.
Geegaa:
It really is.
Leif:
I promise I’m not him. Look... look at my arm, does he have an arm like this?
Geegaa:
No. No, I guess he doesn’t.
Leif:
I appreciate you trying to warn the town about him.
Geegaa:
Well, it’s just... it’s a nice town.
Leif:
It is. It really is. Deidre was telling me you’re a network specialist?
Geegaa:
Yeah.
Leif:
Okay. I need your help with something.
Geegaa:
With what?
Leif:
Head over to the Horizon Motel. Talk to a Truskan named Bolb. He and his brothers are working on something in the parking lot. We need a full array package, but it needs to be about yea big— we’ve only got so much room. Can you do that?
Geegaa:
Yeah, I think so. What’s it for?
Leif:
Talking to people.
Geegaa:
Sure, but-
Leif:
Bolb will explain everything. I don’t think either of us wants a Truskan setting up an array package.
Geegaa:
No, that’d be bad.
Leif:
Everything’ll make sense soon.
Geegaa:
Okay, uh... I like this version of you better.
Leif:
Me too, Geegaa.
Eldin:
Leif.
Leif:
Yeah.
Eldin:
Slabz McTerpz and his Beautiful Boyz are on the way. It might be a good idea to make yourself scarce.
Leif:
Everybody’s seen my face.
Eldin:
Dark Leif seems to have done a very good job at keeping his face out of the public eye, so it hasn’t been an issue thus far. However, someone as high profile as Slabz may know your face.
Leif:
I guess you’re right.
Trinkett:
Hey, Eldin?
Eldin:
Yes?
Trinkett:
There are a bunch of people in my shop.
Eldin:
Yes. Once again, Trinkett, if you had a phone, I could tell you this.
Trinkett:
We were just in the meeting.
Eldin:
I wasn’t running the meeting.
Trinkett:
Who are they?
Eldin:
That is Lady Lazarus and her assistants. She’s a surgeon who has volunteered her services for whatever lies ahead today.
Trinkett:
I thought that was my job.
Eldin:
Trinkett you’re an essential part of this town, but that doesn’t make you into a doctor. Let’s let that be the purview of the professionals and reallocate your talents elsewhere.
Trinkett:
Just because I don’t practice traditional medicine-
Eldin:
Trinkett you can’t do a skin graft with a camomile poultice. You need an actual surgeon.
Leif:
Isn’t Lady Lazarus a cosmetic surgeon?
Eldin:
She’s still a surgeon.
Trinkett:
Well, what am I supposed to do then?
Leif:
You should hang with us. I’ve got to stay out of the fray, in case anyone recognizes me.
Eldin:
Also, Trinkett, your extra sensory perception of the mountain could be very helpful from a tactical standpoint.
Leif:
Unless you’ve learned some new spells. Do you know magic missile?
Trinkett:
No, Leif.
Leif:
Look, I’d appreciate it if you stuck with us. It’s going to be a weird day for me.
Trinkett:
Yeah?
Leif:
Yeah.
Trinkett:
Yeah. I can see it on you. Okay. What are we doing first?
Leif:
Shop and go?
Trinkett:
Okay.
Eldin:
After that, let’s head higher up the mountain. Get a bird’s eye view.
Trinkett:
What’s going on, Leif?
Leif:
You ever done the wrong thing to do the right thing?
Trinkett:
Tell me more.
We move back to the sheep’s eye. Deidre is pouring Verge a drink.
Verge:
I like the pink alien suit, I think we should keep it.
Deidre:
I think we should. It’s only fair, if you get to be a human and an alien, I should get to as well. After all, I’m sure I’ll have to save you from the evil clutches of a madman again some day. You’re such a damsel in distress.
Verge:
I know, I’m swooning. I was tied to the railroad tracks, Deidre.
Deidre:
Maybe we can trade off. I’ll be the one who gets saved from the bad guy next time.
Verge:
Ooh, that sounds fun. What are you going to wear?
Deidre:
Whatever you want.
Verge:
... I love you so fucking much.
Deidre:
I love you, too... So, this plan sounds pretty extreme. Are we sure this is a good idea?
Verge:
... I honestly don’t know... I don’t know how to feel about it. I know that we need to do something, and this is the only plan that might work.
Frank:
Verge, your friend the mercenary is here. You want to come say hello?
Verge:
Oh shit. Come on, you have to meet this guy.
Deidre:
Okay.
They all walk outside as Slabz McTerpz and his beautiful boyZ make their way to the town square in loud hover cycles. Slabz disembarks and greets them.
Slabz Mcterpz:
My love.
Celeste:
Hey, sweetie.
Slabz Mcterpz:
As requested, I have arrived with my Beautiful Boyz.
Celeste:
Thank you so much.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Anything to gaze once again into your eyes, my dearest.
Celeste:
Oh, stop it.
Slabz Mcterpz:
This must be The Frank.
Frank:
Just Frank.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I have heard tales of you, Frank. Is it true you cannot be broken?
Frank:
Only my heart, Slabz.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Ah. I am the same. You wouldn’t think it to look at me, but Slabz McTerpz has a rich emotional life.
Frank:
You don’t say.
Slabz Mcterpz:
We watched “The Fault in Our Stars” together. I was ruined.
Frank:
Okay.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I love Ansel Elgort.
Frank:
Yeah, great. So, Slabz, you’re telling me you and your... boyz, are going to patrol the streets for free? I’m told you’re a mercenary.
Slabz Mcterpz:
We are soldiers for hire, Frank. And the greatest in the realm. But we have one price that we hold sacred above all. (To the Beautiful Boyz.) We do this one for love, my Beautiful Boyz!
They all howl and fire their guns into the sky.
Slabz Mcterpz:
You see? We are nothing if not romantics.
Frank:
Okay.
Slabz Mcterpz:
But in addition to being romantics, we are also terrifying murderers. So, worry not.
Frank:
Holt shit, Celeste.
Celeste:
I can’t help it, he’s boyfriend material.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Verge! I see you have unveiled your paramour to me.
Verge:
Slabz, this is Deidre.
Deidre:
Hi.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Deidre, you are a vision.
Deidre:
Thanks.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Celeste and I are very keen to have a double date with you.
Deidre:
Oh, my God.
Verge:
I’d love to, Slabzy, but Frank and I have to go. Duty calls.
Slabz Mcterpz:
A shame. Let us go inside then. I shall tell you tales of Verge’s heroism.
Deidre:
Ooh. That sounds great.
Slabz Mcterpz:
We will drink. My dear, what is that thing I cannot have?
Celeste:
Red wine.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I cannot have red wine, Frank.
Frank:
Okay.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Because of the tannins.
Frank:
Yeah, you want to stay away from those.
Verge:
Let’s go, Frank.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Verge, before you depart. Gio!
One of slabz’ beautiful boys runs up and hands verge a box.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I thought it was best I return this to you.
Deidre:
What is that?
Slabz Mcterpz:
Verge gave it to me long ago and said to return it should we see each other again.
Deidre:
What is it?
Verge:
It’s a lock box.
Slabz Mcterpz:
I trust you remember the pass phrase?
Verge:
Uh... yeah, yeah I do... thanks, Slabzy.
Slabz Mcterpz:
My dear, let us drink so that I may gaze into your eyes one last time before battle.
Celeste:
Okay. Good luck you guys.
Verge:
Thanks, Celeste.
Deidre:
Verge, what is that?
Verge:
It’s a uh... It’s a lock box. It’s just a box with a passcode.
Deidre:
So, that belongs to the Verge from this universe?
Verge:
I guess so.
Deidre:
What’s in it?
Verge:
I don’t know.
Deidre:
... Should you open it?
Verge:
...
Deidre:
Baby?
Verge:
Not yet. Keep it behind the bar okay? We’ll open it together when I get back.
Deidre:
Okay. Be careful.
Verge:
I will.
They kiss.
Verge:
Don’t have too much fun without me.
Deidre:
Okay.
We move to the streets of Raxius. June walks up to a huge building with loud music playing inside. She knocks on the door. After a moment the door opens.
June:
Hello. I’d like to speak to Sir Party Animal, please.
We move to the shop and go. Doug is trying to relax and listen to bird sounds. Leif and Trinkett walk in.
Trinkett:
Hey Doug.
Doug:
Hello. I don’t even know if I should be in here right now, but I didn’t know where else to go.
Trinkett:
Well, for whatever reason, I feel better with you here.
Doug:
Okay.
Leif:
Doug, what are you listening to?
Doug:
Bird sounds.
Leif:
Uh huh.
Doug:
I make recordings of them. I’ve got a nice field recorder. I’ll go out and make some recordings sometimes. Helps me relax to listen back to them.
Trinkett:
Are those the starlings?
Doug:
Yes.
Trinkett:
There’s a bunch of starlings that hang out by trailer park row.
Doug:
They mimic sounds that they hear. Some of them still make the sound of a train that used to go by the mountain back home.
We hear a faint train sound come from the bird recording.
Doug:
There it is.
Trinkett:
Did you manage to get everyone a place to stay tonight?
Doug:
Yeah, everyone’s all put away. What happens next?
Leif:
Now we wait.
Doug:
You think this plan of yours will work, Leif?
Leif:
I don’t know. But I think it’s the only thing that will.
Trinkett:
I’m getting a Mars bar, what are you getting?
Leif:
I don’t know. Those bird sounds are crazy.
Doug:
It’s an odd sound but I like it.
Leif:
It’s like a million sounds at once.
Trinkett:
Leif. We need to get you out of here.
Leif:
Yeah. Right. I’m going to grab some beers.
Trinkett:
Doug, remember to start talking to people if you get weird okay?
Doug:
I’ll definitely get weird. I will definitely start talking to people.
Trinkett:
Good.
Leif:
Okay, let’s go.
Trinkett:
Thanks, Doug.
Doug:
Good luck.
They walk out and doug continues to listen to the starlings. Leif walks back in and he stops.
Doug:
Leif?
Leif:
Play the starlings again.
Doug:
Okay.
He plays the recording of the starlings.
Leif:
Weird.
Leif walks out. After a moment he walks back in again.
Leif:
Can I get a recording of that?
Doug:
Um, sure. I can just-
Eldin:
Just play it into your phone, Doug. I’ll archive a copy.
Doug:
Okay.
Eldin:
Leif, what’s going on?
Leif:
... Nothing... Good luck, Doug.
Doug:
You too.
Doug plays the starling recording and we move to the horizon. A pickup truck pulls into the Horizon parking lot. Steve and geegaa get out of the truck. We hear something in the middle of the parking lot powering up.
Steve:
Alright, here it is.
Geegaa:
It is... What the fuck is it?
Steve:
I have no idea, but apparently it’s pretty important.
Geegaa:
Is it a missile?
Steve:
Maybe? You’re asking the wrong guy.
Geegaa:
Aren’t you the leader, though?
Steve:
Me? No. Technically, our leader is a dog.
Geegaa:
A what?
Steve:
Truskans are on a break. They take a lot of breaks. We’ve got someone going into town right now, they’ll pick up all the things you’re going to need.
Geegaa:
Okay... Steve, I don’t understand what’s going on.
Steve:
Right?
Geegaa:
Why does a missile need a comms array?
Steve:
Again, I have no idea, Geegaa. But I know that it’s important, so I hope you know what you’re doing.
Geegaa:
Me, too. You guys don’t even know me, you’re just going to give me this important thing to do.
Steve:
Deidre says you’re good people.
Geegaa:
That’s all it takes?
Steve:
Around here, that’s all it takes.
Geegaa:
Steve, I’m just tech support for criminals, I don’t know if you want me doing this.
Steve:
Geegaa. I’m a drug dealer.
Geegaa:
What?
Steve:
Sometimes it’s not about who you are, it’s about what you do when the shit hits the fan... The shit’s hitting the fan, Geegaa. What are you going to do?
We move to deep space. Verge and Frank are in the phoenix.
Frank:
... I like it out here.
Verge:
Yeah?
Frank:
Yeah, it’s quiet.
Verge:
This used to be the only place I felt at home. In-between destinations.
Frank:
What’s it been like settling down?
Verge:
It’s been so strange, Frank.
Frank:
I can tell.
Verge:
You can?
Frank:
Yeah, I think we’ve all been watching it happen. Remember when you first strolled into the Horizon?
Verge:
Yeah.
Frank:
It was like a Sergio Leone movie. You watched any of those yet?
Verge:
No.
Frank:
Oh, we’ve got to watch some Sergio Leone movies, Verge, you’d love them. “There's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.”
Verge:
Sounds great. I’ll put it on the list... You and Trinkett have been watching movies lately.
Frank:
We have.
Verge:
That’s interesting.
Frank:
Don’t get any ideas, Verge. You forget I’m no longer a man, just a pile of mulch.
Verge:
You’re a pile of mulch, she’s a walking mushroom, sounds like you’re perfect for each other.
Frank:
Verge... I know everybody treats me like I’m the same old curmudgeonly Frank, but... I look down at my hands and I don’t know what they’re made of. Kind of hard to think about much else.
Verge:
There are all kinds of people out there who don’t know what they’re made of, Frank. I made sweet potatoes the other day. I didn’t think I had that in me.
Frank:
So you made sweet potatoes, and now you can totally understand my situation?
Verge:
I’m saying, sometimes we decide who we are, and sometimes we’re wrong. That’s all.
Frank:
Noted.
Eldin:
We’re coming up on it now.
Verge:
Look out your window, Frank. Port side.
Frank:
... Goddamn. How far away are we?
Eldin:
Thousands of kilometers.
Frank:
We’re thousands of kilometers away and it’s already that big?
Eldin:
As warp gates go, this one is mid-sized at best. You can see the ring there. That’s were the ships pass through. Then that ring is attached to the Dyson sphere.
Frank:
What’s a Dyson sphere?
Eldin:
The massive sphere it’s attached to, there’s a star inside it. The sphere captures all of the star’s energy and uses it to power the warp gate. Folding space as it does requires a staggering amount of energy.
Frank:
They trapped an entire star?
Eldin:
They did. It’s impressive technology at an impressive scale. It’s what’s allowed the Ted Empire to dominate the Triad.
Frank:
... Everything is too much, Eldin.
Eldin:
Agreed. June is looking for you.
Frank:
Okay.
June comes through the comms panel. We can hear a massive party in the background.
June:
(In the comms panel.) Frankie!
Frank:
Hello.
June:
What are you doing?
Frank:
Oh y’know, traveling through deep space.
June:
How have I not been able to go to space yet? How is that fair?
Frank:
I guess when the day’s issues involve someone named “Sir Party Animal,” your talents are demanded elsewhere.
June:
I’ve made my own bed.
Frank:
You have. How’s that going by the way?
June:
It’s fine. I have met with Sir Party Animal and he’s on board. I have unified the city, Frank.
Frank:
How’d you do it?
June:
I introduced myself as June: Pants Darts Champion. He didn’t stand a chance.
Frank:
Always the life of the party.
June:
Yeah... Yeah, I guess... I don’t know, Frankie, is it weird that I’m in the middle of a massive party on an alien planet and all I want to do is go hang out at my boyfriend’s cabin? Is it over? Am I washed up?
Frank:
June, all I want to do is go hang out at your boyfriend’s cabin.
June:
Am I old?
Frank:
June.
June:
Don’t say it.
Frank:
We’ve been old for some time now.
June:
That’s terrible.
Frank:
Way back in the rear view mirror, June.
June:
That’s so unfortunate.
Frank:
Only on the outside though. Internally, you’ve been acting like a seventeen year old for a couple of decades now.
Verge:
Hey, June, compared to me you’re still technically a teenager.
June:
Ooh. I like that. Okay, I’m now exclusively hanging out with Verge. I’m done with you senior citizens.
Frank:
More quality time for me and Tarvok, then.
June:
Frankie. I love you, stupid. Don’t fuck it up out there.
Frank:
If I don’t make it back, I leave the ownership of the Horizon to you.
June:
You bastard. Why would you do that to me?
Frank:
Love you.
Verge:
Let’s switch over to ghost power. Have you found the dead zone?
Eldin:
I’ve found it.
Verge:
Frank, we’re going to power down almost everything and move into a dead zone. Every gate has an area where ships can’t see you when they exit the gate. It’s where raiders and rim runners hang out.
Frank:
Okay. What happens after that?
Eldin:
We’re waiting for the Alex P. Keaton to exit the warp gate. As soon as it does, we move in.
Frank:
Okay... So, at any point are we going to talk about how the most terrifying battleship in the galaxy is named after a character from an 80s sitcom?
Eldin:
We can talk about it if you like. Would you like to hear the story?
Frank:
... No... No, I think hearing that story will ruin the nice time I’m having.
Verge:
Speaking of ruining your nice time, here it comes.
Eldin:
We’re in the dead zone, he shouldn’t see us.
The alex p. Keaton emerges from the warp gate. It is... big.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
Verge:
We warned you it was big.
Frank:
You guys, that’s not a ship. That’s the state of New Hampshire.
Eldin:
The original owner had a great admiration for an old warlord named Emperor BugBug who had a ship the size of a moon. The only reason this ship isn’t that size is because it had to fit through a warp gate.
Frank:
What’s the huge thing on the top of it?
Eldin:
That’s the rail gun. Raxius will be within range of it in approximately two hours.
Verge:
Leif?
Leif:
(In comms panel.) Yeah?
Verge:
He’s here.
Leif:
Okay. Wait until the coast is clear, then move in.
We move to the bridge of the alex p. Keaton.
Dark Leif:
How long until the rail gun is aligned?
Gort:
One hour, forty-three minutes.
Dark Leif:
Prepare the secondary payload for launch. While we wait for Raxius to get aligned, we’re going to launch the secondary payload at a small town outside of Raxius. Apparently, it’s called Hood’s Pocket.
Gort:
Location not available in database.
Dark Leif:
What?
Gort:
Location “Hood’s Pocket” is not registered.
Dark Leif:
What the fuck. Bring up a live satellite feed.
Gort:
Live feed on screen.
Dark Leif:
Okay, There. Do you see it?
Gort:
Topographical map has changed.
Dark Leif:
The... How can the mountain range have changed?
Gort:
Unknown.
Dark Leif:
Fuck it. Whether you can see it or not, launch the payload at that general area.
Gort:
Launching secondary payload... Secondary payload is away.
Dark Leif:
Good. Hope they enjoy it.
Gort:
Incoming transmission from Tucumcari, New Mexico.
Dark Leif:
What? Put it through.
Leif:
(In comms panel.) Greetings from the Land of Enchantment.
Dark Leif:
Something tells me you’re not calling me from New Mexico.
Leif:
I’m going shopping. Do you want a turquoise bolo tie?
Dark Leif:
Laugh it up. I’m about to make you regret the past few weeks of your life.
Leif:
I’m rubber and you’re glue.
Dark Leif:
I hope all this was worth it, whoever you are.
Leif:
You ever think about what mom would say to all this?... I know I did... Not dad. Dad always thought we were a piece of shit— I never hear his voice in my head. Though, I have to say, the real tragedy of this world is, I hate to say it, dad was right about you.
Dark Leif:
I really want to applaud you for an impressive deep-background, deep-fake, deep-bullshit project. You really had me fucked up in the head for a minute. But now I don’t even care. This is the end of the road for you.
Leif:
You could’ve been so much better, Leif.
Dark Leif:
... I know.
Gort:
End transmission.
We move back to the mountain. Trinkett and Leif are higher up on the mountain.
Trinkett:
... Leif?
Leif:
Yeah?
Trinkett:
... Something’s not right.
Leif:
Eldin.
Eldin:
Multiple projectiles incoming.
Leif:
Okay, use the deactivation protocols I gave you.
Eldin:
They’re not working.
Leif:
Why?
Eldin:
Because they’re not his projectiles.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Eldin:
... Tedbots.
Across the city, multiple tedbots begin hitting the ground and coming to life.
Leif:
Shit. Warn Slabz.
Eldin:
Slabz we have multiple Tedbot crashdowns in the area.
Slabz Mcterpz:
(In the phone.) I see them. Let them feel the wrath of Disco Inferno!
We hear the massive explosion generated by slabz’ gun “Disco Inferno,” and a gunfight begins to break out in hood’s pocket.
Eldin:
Attention citizens of Hood’s Pocket! There is live fire in the streets. Shelter in place until further notice.
Leif:
Verge, what’s your status?
Verge:
(In the phone.) Almost there.
Trinkett:
I can’t tell where these things are.
Eldin:
That doesn’t surprise me, they’re inorganic. Where is everyone else?
Trinkett:
Uh... Deidre, Doug, and Steve are in the Sheep’s Eye. Celeste is in the streets with Slabz. It’s pretty chaotic down there.
Verge:
Deidre, are you okay?
Deidre:
Yeah, I’m okay- OH SHIT!
We hear the sound of the door to the sheep’s eye being broken down and a tedbot crashing through.
Verge:
Deidre?!
We hear chaos for a moment and then the sound of deidre stabbing the tedbot with her knife again and again and again. After a moment...
Verge:
Baby?
Deidre:
(Out of breath.) Leif...
Leif:
Yeah?
Deidre:
... The knife works.
Leif:
Yeah it does.
Verge:
So fucking hot.
Eldin:
The Phoenix is in position.
Leif:
Alright guys, get to it, we’re up to our asses in Tedbots.
Verge:
Five minutes.
Trinkett:
Wait. Where are Doug and Steve going?
Eldin:
Steve, report in, please?
Steve:
(In the phone.) Hang tight, y’all. We’re going to do something a little crazy.
Doug:
(In the phone.) Oh God, oh god, oh god.
Leif:
Not the time, Steve.
Steve:
No, just wait guys. It’s going to be great.
Eldin:
Steve.
Through the phone we hear the sound of a massive engine starting up.
Leif:
What the fuck is that?
Trinkett:
Holy shit.
Eldin:
Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:
Let’s roll!
Doug:
Oh god, oh god, oh god!
Down in the town we hear the sound of a huge vehicle driving through the Town square, crushing tedbot after tedbot.
Steve:
Hood’s Pocket Baby!!!!!!!!!
Leif:
What are they driving through town?
Trinkett:
... It’s the snow plow.
Steve:
I think we got about ten of them.
Doug:
Eleven!
Eldin:
Well. How poetic.
Verge:
Leif. We’re ready when you are.
Leif:
Okay... Do it.
We move back to the phoenix. The ship attaches itself to the side of the warp gate.
Eldin:
Alright. We have a full magnetic lock on the surface of the warp gate.
Frank:
What have we been looking for?
Verge:
You can see it up ahead. Every warp gate has a series of ports you can jack into for maintenance.
Frank:
And that’s where I’m headed?
Verge:
That’s it.
Frank:
How do I keep from floating out into space?
Eldin:
Warp gates have their own gravitational pull. It’ll be like walking underwater.
Frank:
Okay.
Verge:
Frank, reach under the seat.
Frank:
Okay... This is it?
Verge:
That’s the box it’s in.
Frank:
How do I open it?
Verge:
“In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.”
Box:
Access granted.
The lockbox opens.
Frank:
This is it?
Verge:
That’s it.
Frank:
What is it?
Eldin:
It’s not unlike a flash drive, Frank.
Frank:
What’s the name of this thing again?
Verge:
The Ted Slayer.
Frank:
Okay. Let’s get this over with.
Verge:
Okay. I’m going to bifurcate the cabin and then it’ll just be you and the void, Frank.
Frank:
I take back everything I said about liking it out here.
Verge:
Too late!
A pane of glass slides between verge and frank.
Verge:
(From behind the glass.) Ready?
Frank:
Sure.
Frank’s portion of the cabin cracks open and air rushes out. Everything is silent.
Eldin:
Alright, Frank. You won’t be able to talk but I can talk to you through your comms device. Exit the cabin and make your way toward the data port ten feet from the bough of the ship.
Frank starts to make his way to the data port.
Verge:
And Frank, just in case you were wondering, yes it does look very creepy to see you walking out there in space. Like, literally the most unnatural thing I’ve ever seen... I’m going to assume you’re flipping the bird at Eldin right now.
Eldin:
Almost there, Frank. The device your holding should fit perfectly in that data port... good... on my mark turn it counter-clockwise... Alright, Verge. Just the two of us. Any final words for The Triad?
Verge:
... Good riddance.
Eldin:
Very well. Frank, turn the device counter-clockwise, and head back to the ship.
Back on the bridge of the alex P. Keaton.
Dark Leif:
Slabz McTerpz?!
Gort:
Hostile ID confirmed. Slabz McTerpz and his Beautiful Boyz.
Dark Leif:
Who the fuck are these people?
Gort:
Incoming transmission from Bowling Green, Kentucky.
Dark Leif:
For fuck’s sake.
Leif:
Hey, Leif.
Dark Leif:
Slabz McTerpz? How the hell did you get hooked up with him?
Leif:
Hey, let me talk to you for a second.
Dark Leif:
... What?
Leif:
... It’s over.
Dark Leif:
Oh, it’s over, huh? Because you hired a few shitty mercenaries? In 45 minutes I destroy the whole city.
Leif:
I swung by Red’s Rectangle on the way home. Hard to believe you left it there after all this time. But I guess that’s what I did too, so who am I to judge?... After I sprung Verge, I went and got it. I’ve got a team at the warp gate. They just inserted the cube into a data port and turned it counter clock-wise... it’s over.
Dark Leif:
... Bullshit.
Leif:
Check your gate status.
Dark Leif:
Status check on the Rax Prime gate.
Gort:
Rax Prime Gate offline.
Dark Leif:
Diagnostic?
Gort:
Cascading system failure.
Dark Leif:
... There’s no way you actually did this.
Leif:
The gate's dead, Leif. And you know what happens when a gate stops being a gate. Without the Dyson sphere constantly siphoning energy away from the star, the energy inside the star compounds itself, and burns brighter and brighter until it eats the entire gate alive. In a few hours, the star will have sucked the entire gate into its core like it never existed. Finally freeing itself from its prison.
Dark Leif:
On screen.
On the screen, dark leif is showN the gate being eaten alive by the star that fueled it.
Dark Leif:
Oh, my god.
Leif:
As you know, the virus will jump from gate to gate for the next seventy two hours. All of the stars eating the gates alive... In a week it’ll be like the Ted Empire never existed.
Dark Leif:
You’re fucking insane.
Leif:
... We’re fucking insane, Leif.
Dark Leif:
You didn’t just do this to me, you did this to everyone. Do you have any idea what you’ve done to everyone?
Leif:
Yeah, I do. That’s on me.
Dark Leif:
Millions of planets, all dependent on each other!
Leif:
I know.
Dark Leif:
... You did all this, just to fuck me over?
Leif:
I did this for a lot of reasons, Leif.
Dark Leif:
... This doesn’t stop me, you know? I’ve still got this rail gun and I still have your location.
Leif:
You’re not going to do that, Leif.
Dark Leif:
How do you know?
Leif:
Because you live here now, my friend. You are a citizen of the Iron Quadrant. You and I both know that Raxius is the only major city in the Iron Quadrant. Where are you going to refuel, Leif? Where are you going to resupply? You're going to have to make friends with every single person in that city. But honestly I'd give them some time, because right now every single one of them fucking hates you. My advice to you? Go find an unstable unicorn somewhere. Think for a while. Try and come around to the idea that I saved you. You were lashed to the mast of it just as much as everyone else was. Even as a criminal, you were part of the machine. The machine's dying as we speak, Leif. So, who are you going to be?
Dark Leif:
Who the fuck are you?
Leif:
... There’s nobody else here, Leif... It’s just you.
On the screen, the warp gate explodes. We begin to hear the theme music for an undersignal broadcast.
Mr. Undersignal:
You are listening to the Undersignal, the voice of the voiceless. Panic in the Triad! Citizens all over the system are in a race against time as an unstoppable virus sweeps through the star ways. From the far reaches of Triangulum to the heart of the Ted Empire, planet after planet disappears from the map! With no other way of traversing the millions of light years between them, with each gate gone, another system is lost in the darkness, cut off forever! What will be the fate of the Triad without this system that has connected us? Will we ever see each other again?
The undersignal goes dead. There is a moment of silence and then another broadcast begins.
Leif:
Are we on? Okay... Hello. If you're receiving this, I imagine this is the first time you've received a signal from outside your planet in a while. I'm not going to tell you who I am because it doesn't really matter. I don't think any of us can imagine the amount of trauma that the Triad just went through, and is still going through. It's something too big to fit in your head. Some of you have gone for a really long time without hearing the voices of your family or friends... but you are hearing my voice. Let me tell you why that is.
Right now, something is speeding through the Triad in a constant loop. It’s going faster than anything ever has. And it’s broadcasting this message to you right now.
At first, this thing was a weapon. I called it a cowcatcher. But a change here and there, and the addition of a comms array, and the Triad now has it’s very first faster-than-light comms relay. All the interface information is embedded in this message. You’ll be able to send messages and data to anyone in the Triad. You can’t be together right now, but I can keep you talking. All that’ll be managed by one very dutiful Anderhovian. Geegaa?
Geegaa moves to the mic,
Geegaa:
Uh... Hey there, entire Triad. I’m Geegaa. Like he said, I’m from AnderHo but I spent most of my time on Raxius. But that’s all of us, right? Who stays on the planet they were born on? So, this is going to work pretty simply, we’re going to be using the same comms node you always use, but instead of the signals being sent through a gate, they’ll be banked on the node until they’re picked up by our probe and sent to the right person on the the other side of the Triad or wherever they are. It’ll take time at first but it’ll go faster and faster as we get better at it and we get more probes launched. All the technical info you need is embedded in this message.... It kind of reminds me of the days of the Old Coalition. There was a handful of planets, and they all knew each other, but they couldn’t get to each other yet. So they worked together and they did what they could. I’ve got a big room full of servers here and I’m going to be doing everything I can to keep you talking. And while I’m doing that, here’s Bolb.
Bolb moves to the mic.
Bolb:
Howdy ho, there, citizens of the Triad. Bolb here. Planet of Trusk. Local Foundry 525. Shout out to my boys back home at the 525, I’m sure you’re sitting on your asses right now you lazy bums! Folks, we’re going to be making some probes for you for a while. We’re going to get them whizzing around the Triad, making sure everybody’s birthday greetings for grandma get there on time. But that’s not the only thing you’re going to find on those probes. You’re also going to find some detailed schematics for the fancy new engines that are making these probes run. These are bonafide faster-than-light engines, my friends. First of their kind. This is the kind of engine that can change the game, folks, and nothing would make me prouder than to load one of these babies into a ship and send you sailing across the sky. There’s only one problem... Going faster than the speed of light has a tendency to turn everybody’s head into a freshly baked root pie. We’ve got the speed, now we need the protection. And that’s on you, my friends. All you scientists and scholars out there, it’s time for you all to work together and figure out how we can get back to each other. I believe in ya’, you pencil necks. Get to work. And here’s the promise I make to you: Once you crack this little code and it’s time for everyone to get a brand new faster-than-light ship, the foundries of Trusk are going to fire up like they’ve never fired up before. We’ll go back to the days of Beldt, the old hammerhand himself. You’ll be able to see the glow of molten steel from across the system. Every ship 100% reliable, and 100% union made. Alright, break’s over. That’s all from me. I look forward to seeing all your faces again, Triad. Bolb out!
Leif returns to the mic.
Leif:
So, I'm sure most of you are pretty pissed off at me right now. Trust me when I say this was not an easy decision. I'm sure a lot of you are saying, “who the fuck does this guy think he is? What makes him think he has the right to make this decision for all of us?”... But that's kind of the point. The point is, I shouldn't have been able to make this decision. The point is, no one should have been able to. There's just too much power in too few places. All of us were so trapped in it, that it would just go on forever— all of us afraid of the pain of changing things. But now, if we work together, if we truly work together... we'll finally be free. All of us. There'll be no more secret hands directing you where to go and what to do. It’ll just be us. Us and the stars... This is that last you’ll ever hear from me... It’s all up to you now... Good luck.
We move to the top of the mountain. We can hear a RAUCOUS party down in the town. Leif is alone.
Eldin:
The Alex P. Keaton has changed course. Probably headed to a shady spot in the quadrant to lick his wounds.
Leif:
Poor guy never knew what hit him.
Eldin:
With that ship of his he’ll be able to be the king of this quadrant.
Leif:
Yeah. But that’s not what he wants. If he has any sense left in him, he’ll grab a skiff and disappear. Start over again.
Eldin:
I imagine there will be a lot of that across the Triad.
Leif:
... Did I do the right thing?
Eldin:
That depends what you mean by the right thing. Do you mean the option that hurts the least? Because quite often that's not the right thing.
Leif:
... It was a pretty monstrous thing that I just did, Eldin.
Eldin:
Monstrous?
Leif:
Friends and family separated. Entire planets are going to have to figure out how to survive on their own again.
Eldin:
Well, not to tut-tut you, Leif, but tut-tut. You didn’t knock the Triad back to the stone age. These are still highly advanced civilizations that, while they can’t travel long distances, can still engage in limited interplanetary travel. You’re not as monstrous as you may think.
Leif:
I feel like a monster.
Eldin:
Well, then, I’d remind you of what one of your fellow Earthlings once said.
Leif:
What?
Eldin:
“The old world is dying. The New world struggles to be born... Now is the time of monsters.” Many people read that and assume that the monsters will be on the side of the old world. But I think the monsters will come from the old world and the new. For a while. Like it or not, you are one of these monsters, Leif. Sometimes you’re not going to like it.
Leif:
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
Eldin:
Leif, you just destroyed the Ted Empire... How about you have a drink or two?
Down in town, the party is in full swing. People are dancing in the streets. Doug entertains kids with the ashlesaurus, steve tells tall tales, Celeste and slabz are having a moment, Frank is taking bets, and june is taking pants.
Slabz Mcterpz:
There is no greater victory that one shared with your lover.
Celeste:
I agree, sweetie.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Your bravery today was unsurpassed, my dear.
Celeste:
Are you sure? I feel like I did a lot of hiding behind you.
Slabz Mcterpz:
As you should. My hide is resistant to many attacks.
Celeste:
I noticed.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Though it is helpless against the attacks from your eyes, my love.
Celeste:
Oh, stop it.
Slabz Mcterpz:
My Beautiful Boyz have decided that, on this day you should be given your battle name.
Celeste:
My battle name? What is that?
Slabz Mcterpz:
A name given to you after your first battle.
Celeste:
Oh. Uh. Do I want to know what it is?
Slabz Mcterpz:
They have pronounced you “Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution.”
Celeste:
Oh. Wow. Uh... I don’t get it. Should I get it?
Slabz Mcterpz:
I have no idea. The young people, they have so many names for things.
Celeste:
I see.
Slabz Mcterpz:
Best to just go with it.
Doug:
Okay, she doesn’t bite, so don’t worry about that. But only pet her back, she doesn’t like her face touched okay?
The ashlesaurus chirps at them.
Doug:
Kids, did you know that the ashlesaurus gets its energy from the sun, just like a plant does?
The ashlesaurus barks at one of the kids and they all start laughing.
Doug:
Oh! Looks like she likes you! Alright, everyone. Take an asparagus and you can feed her.
Steve:
So there I was down in the cave. I said, “You listen to me, Francis. You want to get to these refugees, you’ve got to come through me.” Long story short, Francis is a pile of scrap metal now.
June:
Killer Odd! You owe me pants! Pikeman Stover, two pairs of pants from you. Darth Oxx, you have bet pants and you don’t have legs, my friend. What are we supposed to do about this?
Frank:
Come on. Next up, let’s go.
A party goer smashes a chair over Frank’s head.
Frank:
See there? That was a whole chair you hit me with. Nothing. Who’s next?
Another party goer punches frank and instantly howls in pain.
Frank:
Buddy. You’re just going to punch me? What’s your fist going to do that the chair couldn’t do? You’re injured now, that’s at least a sprain.
Another party goer smashes a bottle over frank’s head.
Frank:
A bottle? Guys, get serious here. A bottle? Go get some power tools!
Deidre emerges from the sheep’s eye.
Deidre:
Verge!
Verge:
Hey.
Deidre:
Sorry, it’s so crazy in there. I just said fuck it, they’re all serving themselves now.
Verge:
Someone should really make you a drink sometime.
Deidre:
Right?... Okay.
Deidre puts verge’s lock box on the table.
Deidre:
Okay here it is... Are you ready? How are you feeling?
Verge:
How am I feeling about opening a lock box from an alternate version of me? No idea.
Deidre:
Well, it’s not like it doesn’t belong to you. You know, from a certain perspective.
Verge:
Yeah... Yeah, okay.
Deidre:
How do we open it.
Verge:
“The Wandering Mermaid wants you to know, The Creature From the Black Lagoon and The Little Mermaid are the same exact story.”
Box:
Access granted.
The box opens.
Deidre:
What is that?
Eldin:
It looks like a hologram cube. It’s like a framed photograph, Deidre.
Verge activates the hologram and a display pops up.
Deidre:
Oh...
Verge:
...
Deidre:
... Verge is that you as a little kid?
Verge:
...
Deidre:
Baby?
Eldin:
Deidre, this appears to be a hologram of Verge’s family.
Deidre:
Oh, my God.
Verge:
... That’s them.
Deidre:
... Are you okay?
Verge:
... I’m okay.
Deidre:
Talk to me. There’s so many of them, tell me who’s who in this picture.
Verge:
... It’s uh...
Eldin:
Vapian family structure is a bit different from an Earthling’s, Deidre. The family is larger, with several implied roles, some say there were as many as twenty implied roles. While there are roles in the family that translate roughly to mother and father, there are also implied roles that don’t translate well.
Deidre:
Okay... Verge?
Verge:
... They’re all gone.
Deidre:
...
Verge:
...
Deidre:
Eldin, tell me about these roles you’re talking about. What does that mean?
Eldin:
For example there is the Rakeshet. That person would be the spiritual center of the family, usually in charge of religious ceremonies and being a bit of a dreamer.
Deidre:
That sounds like Trinkett.
Eldin:
And then the Biret. More of an organizer. Keeps the house running. Loves a good list.
Deidre:
Doug, for sure.
Eldin:
The Taff-tee. How to describe this? The one who lightens things. A joy bringer. A joker.
Deidre:
That’s June.
Eldin:
The T’heba. Probably the hardest one to translate. Put simply, the one who will remind the family that they are loved.
Verge:
... That’s you.
Deidre:
... Maybe they’re not gone.
Verge:
... Can we just sit here for a while?
Deidre:
We can sit here all night.
We move to trinkett’s shop. Leif walks in the door.
Leif:
Trinkett?
Trinkett:
Hey.
Leif:
...
Trinkett:
...
Leif:
That time that’s missing from my memory. You still think you can get it back?
Trinkett:
I think so, yeah.
Leif:
Okay... I’m ready.
Trinkett:
Okay. Let’s get started... Take off your clothes.
Leif:
Uh... what?
Trinkett:
I’m just kidding.
Leif:
Oh.
Trinkett:
Come in. Sit down. Let’s have some tea.
The end.
No next episode