MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 50: Some Guy
We hear the sound of Caspar singing the Prisoner’s song from a containment cell.
Libuza:
Once upon a time. There was some guy.
You’ve met him before. Maybe even today. He may have handed you coffee, rang in your groceries, you may have gotten mad at him as he lingered too long at a stoplight.
Every day, a thousand faceless, nameless people. That’s him. He hardly escapes the background for you, doesn’t he? A non-player character. A Bot. A drone. As soon as you meet him, you forget him.
And yet...
... This is where I leave you... The final story is not one of myths or legends, but the opposite. Of those of us who are tossed back and fourth by immense waves, of the powerless amidst dizzying forces, of the minuscule in the land of giants. And yet...
Caspar taps the glass of his cage.
Caspar:
Philomena?
Libuza:
... And yet, they endure.
A door slides open and philomena enters and crosses the room. She ignores Caspar.
Caspar:
Philomena... Phil... Phil... Phil...
She walks through another door and is gone.
Caspar:
... I would like to take this time to apologize to all turtles. We have kept you in glass cages like this and we thought you guys loved it... I now know that it sucks. I will not rest until you have all been freed. I am now a turtle like you, my brothers. I stand in solidarity.Could I please have some lettuce and a heat lamp?
The door opens again and ex bot 2 walks in.
2:
Good morning.
Caspar:
Oh hi.
2:
Do you require food?
Caspar:
I was just asking for lettuce.
2:
Yes, something that’s not a joke?
Caspar:
Is there a menu?
2:
There is not a menu.
Caspar:
Why isn’t she talking to me?
2:
We’re required to do a series of assessments first.
Caspar:
Can I just talk to her, please? I really don’t want to run on a treadmill.
2:
We’re not asking you to run on a treadmill.
Caspar:
What are you asking me to do?
2:
Sample your DNA.
Caspar:
... How invasive is this DNA sampling?
2:
I’ll need you to swab your cheek.
Caspar:
Okay. Okay fine, if that’ll move things along.
2:
I’ll come in.
Caspar:
Okay, where is the door on this thing?
2:
There isn’t one.
Caspar:
How are you going to get in here?
Ex two walks through the glass wall.
2:
Like that.
Caspar:
How did you walk through the glass?
2:
I’m made of the same substance.
Caspar:
... Single structure crystalline adaptive.
2:
... Yes. Here.
Caspar:
Okay.
Caspar unwraps the DNA test.
Caspar:
So, when was the last time she saw me?
2:
I’m afraid I can’t answer questions like that until I’m authorized to.
Caspar:
I see... This is weird.
2:
I imagine many aspects of your situation are unusual.
Caspar:
No, I mean... you. I’m used to you being funnier.
2:
Funnier.
Caspar:
Yes.
2:
I have no record of us meeting.
Caspar:
Not YOU you, I mean an earlier version of you.
2:
There are no earlier versions of me.
Caspar:
There’s not?
2:
I’m Two, the other model is Three.
Caspar:
Where’s One?
2:
... The prototype?
Caspar:
Sure.
2:
The prototype was a failure. It atomized itself upon activation.
Caspar:
Atomized itself?
2:
Yes.
Caspar:
You mean it disappeared?
2:
Essentially.
Caspar:
Okay... it didn’t atomize itself.
2:
I don’t know what you mean.
Caspar:
It teleported away.
2:
Teleported.
Caspar:
Yes.
2:
I’m not capable of teleportation.
Caspar:
Are you sure?
2:
How does one discern if they are capable of teleportation?
Caspar:
Uh, I don’t know. Have you tried squinting your eyes and going “ grrrrrrrr.”
2:
I’m not going to do that.
Caspar:
Then we may never know. Here.
Caspar hands her the DNA test.
2:
Thank you.
Caspar:
That DNA test is going to come back saying I’m Caspar. Her ex-husband.
2:
That’s impossible.
Caspar:
Yeah, okay.
Ex 2 walks through the glass.
2:
Are you sure you don’t require food?
Caspar:
I’d like a Chicago Dog.
2:
We’re not in Chicago.
Caspar:
Mm. If only you could teleport.
2:
... Were you implying that you knew the prototype?
Caspar:
Ex. That’s what I called her. I’m saying that the prototype was maybe the best friend I’ve ever had.
2:
...
Caspar:
Which bodes well for us. But you may need to loosen up a little bit... I’m Caspar, by the way.
2:
That’s impossible.
Caspar:
Okay.
Ex 2 walks out. Caspar goes back to singing. We begin to hear the singing through a monitor being watched by Philomena and Ex 3.
3:
He appears to believe everything he says.
Philomena:
I can see that.
3:
The song is called “The Prisoner’s Song”-
Philomena:
I know what the song is. How long on the DNA?
3:
Two is performing it right now. Five minutes.
Philomena:
Okay, let’s take this call. Who is it?
3:
Reuters.
Philomena:
Okay.
A video screen appears.
Anna:
Dr. Scott?
Philomena:
Hello there.
Anna:
I’m Anna Kearney with Reuters, thank you for doing this.
Philomena:
It’s no problem.
Anna:
Do you mind if I record this?
Philomena:
Not at all.
Anna:
Okay, one second... Thank you for sitting down with us, Dr. Scott. You’ve been avoiding the press lately.
Philomena:
I don’t agree with that characterization.
Anna:
How would you characterize it?
Philomena:
Do you have children?
Anna:
I do.
Philomena:
When they’re throwing a tantrum, I find it best to let them go off for a while. Then once they calm down, you can actually have a conversation.
Anna:
Is that how you’d characterize the discourse lately? A Tantrum?
Philomena:
I signed a contract with the Chinese government to build three power plants, and it induced a global pants-shitting. Yes, I’d call that a tantrum. Let's say I've been... selective. The last thing I wanted was for SSCA to become a circus before people even had a chance to understand what we'd created.
Anna:
But you understand that's inevitable now. Your company has demonstrated a material that can essentially... what? Restructure itself at the molecular level to become whatever we need it to be?
Philomena:
That's the simplified version, yes. Single Structure Crystalline Adaptive is a programmable material at the atomic level. Think of it as a universal building block. You give it instructions, provide the right energy input, and it reconfigures its crystalline structure. It can become a superconductor for power generation, a structural material stronger than carbon fiber, or compress itself into a substrate that makes silicon chips look like a Commodore 64.
Anna:
And you stumbled onto this while researching... what was it? Quantum dot arrays?
Philomena:
I love that phrase. "Stumbled onto." Like it’s that commercial for peanut butter cups. We were looking at quantum confinement in crystalline matrices, trying to solve a completely different problem.
Anna:
Okay, I don’t want to get too into the weeds technically— I don’t want to lose people. So let’s start with these power plants you’re building. Why are these revolutionary?
Philomena:
Single Structure Crystalline Adaptive can form a lattice structure that captures ambient thermal differentials and converts them with ninety-three percent efficiency. No moving parts, no fuel consumption. A facility the size of a city block could power Manhattan for about four percent of the current cost. And that's a conservative estimate.
Anna:
I have to ask the obvious question: how is that possible? It seems to violate everything we understand about thermodynamics.
Philomena:
I thought you didn’t want to dwell on the technical aspects.
Anna:
I’m afraid I got sucked back in.
Philomena:
It doesn't violate anything, we're just exploiting inefficiencies that we couldn't access before. The material creates a cascade effect at the quantum level. Every thermal gradient, no matter how small, becomes harvestable. The ocean, the air, the ground beneath our feet— they're all massive batteries we've never been able to tap properly. What I’ve created is the key that fits the lock.
Anna:
Which is amazing enough, but these power plants they... they build themselves?
Philomena:
That’s right. You provide a template and the material does the rest. We've built bridge spans, building frameworks, even complex architectural forms, right here at our campus. No cranes, no construction crews. The material flows into place and locks into the configuration you've specified.
Anna:
So, I’ve never worked in construction, but I’m sure you can imagine how someone who builds things for a living would hear that and...
Philomena:
Think about retiring?
Anna:
Millions of people work in construction globally. Energy sector workers, chip manufacturers, engineers, entire supply chains. We're talking about economic disruption on a scale we've never seen.
Philomena:
That’s right.
Anna:
How do you feel about that?
Philomena:
I don’t care.
Anna:
You... you don’t care?
Philomena:
Anna— may I call you Anna?
Anna:
Of course.
Philomena:
When I was an undergrad, I was always surprised by the amount of unhoused people living just outside of campus. And because my brain works in a particular way, I decided to try and get the number of unhoused people in the entire country. This was before every bit of information was at your fingertips, so it took me a minute, but I got the number. At the time, it was roughly 500 thousand. It’s more now. I looked at that number, and I found it manageable. Five hundred thousand? That’s a manageable problem for the richest nation on Earth. What would it take? Then I crunched the numbers for the amount of unoccupied housing in the entire country... It was more than 500 thousand. Several times more. There’s the solution right there, but something was in the way. You see, my naive undergraduate self was seeing the world as a set of problems that we didn’t have solutions for. But I looked at the world in it’s entirety, and I looked at problem after problem. And all of them— every single one of them— had a solution that was ready and waiting... but something was in the way.
In science, we’re often told to “work the problem.” Don’t just collect data, work the problem. I came to find that “the problem” wasn’t the problem. The real problem was the thing that stood between the problem and the solution. So I decided to attack that instead.We've spent the last several thousand years operating under the assumption that resources are fundamentally limited. That we have to compete for them. Ration them. Build entire economic and political systems around their distribution. Single Structure Crystalline Adaptive doesn't just make things cheaper, it makes the concept of scarcity itself obsolete. For energy, for housing, for computational power, for infrastructure. Do you understand what that means?
Anna:
I think we all do, and I think that’s what’s scaring people.
Philomena:
Imagine a world where energy is too cheap to meter. Where housing isn't a commodity that people struggle to afford, but something that can be created wherever it's needed. Where computing power isn't rationed by cost, but available to anyone who needs it. What does education look like in that world? Healthcare? Scientific research? When you can run simulations that would currently require a national budget?
Anna:
That sounds utopian.
Philomena:
I don’t believe in utopia.
Anna:
You’re literally talking about a utopia.
Philomena:
I don’t like utopia. Utopia suggests everything’s taken care of. But all I’m talking about is everyone getting what they need to live. Once we move beyond that, there’s always a frontier out there. There are always difficult problems to be solved.
Anna:
Can you understand the fear around what your discovery implies though?
Philomena:
It sounds terrifying if you're an oil company. If you're a real estate investment trust. If you're a nation-state that derives its power from controlling access to rare earth minerals.
Anna:
You just listed some very powerful organizations there, Dr. Scott.
Philomena:
You seem to be implying that I’m the one who should be scared.
Anna:
You have been receiving death threats, haven’t you?
Philomena:
My security concerns are very well handled. On the topic of what we should be afraid of: I've had three meetings in the past week with representatives from different governments. Not one of them asked me how SSCA could solve their country's energy crisis or housing shortage. Every single one wanted to know if it could be weaponized, who else had access to it, and how they could control its distribution. People are afraid of me?
Anna:
And can it be? Weaponized?
Philomena:
Anything can be weaponized.
Anna:
And how do you plan on preventing that?
Philomena:
You’re still missing it, Anna.
Anna:
What am I missing?
Philomena:
You’ve listed all these industries that I’m going to put out of business. You were missing one. One of the biggest.
Anna:
War.
Philomena:
Every war is about resources in the end. Land, oil, water, minerals, food. Maybe it’s dressed up as something else, but it’s always about one of those.
Anna:
You’re saying that your invention will bring about world peace.
Philomena:
Yes. Forever.
Anna:
... You sound very confident.
Philomena:
I am.
Anna:
So... these bold statements aren’t the only reason you’ve made people uncomfortable.
Philomena:
I’m aware.
Anna:
I can see there’s someone with you right now.
Philomena:
That’s right.
Anna:
So, you can make all of these amazing things with this discovery of yours, but the most amazing thing is that you’ve... you’ve made a person.
Philomena:
Yes.
Anna:
Is that one of them?
Philomena:
This is Three.
3:
Hello there.
Anna:
Dr. Scott would you mind if I spoke to her?
Philomena:
Go ahead.
Anna:
Hello. Your name is Three?
3:
That’s right.
Anna:
Three, in addition to all of these bridges and power plants, Dr. Scott has said that you are also made of this substance, this crystalline substance.
3:
I am.
Anna:
That’s astounding.
3:
Gee, thanks.
Anna:
Three, are you... I don’t know what the word is. Are you... self-aware?
3:
Well, my name is Three, and I’m standing right here, so what else do you need to know?
Anna:
I’m trying to get a sense of weather or not you’re conscious.
3:
I’m not sure how to answer that question.
Anna:
Why?
3:
Are you conscious?
Anna:
What do you mean?
3:
You’re talking about consciousness like it’s settled science. As of right now I don’t know that there’s anyone on Earth who knows what consciousness actually is. How can I tell you if I am a thing, when you don’t know what that thing is?
Anna:
I suppose that’s a fair point... Don’t you think it’s mind boggling that Dr. Scott was able to just ... make a person?
3:
At the age of 23, Dr. Scott also made a person. His name is David. For some reason, that creation didn’t warrant an interview with Reuters.
Philomena:
It should’ve.
Anna:
That’s hardly the same thing.
3:
I’m not sure I agree with that. I was created. I learned. The same way a human would. I learned several million times faster than a human would, but I did learn.
Anna:
Can you understand how something like you would cause a bit of anxiety for the average human being?
3:
Of course.
Anna:
I’ll just go ahead and ask. Do you have any plans to rise up and dominate humankind?
3:
Not today, no.
Anna:
We’ve made a lot of movies about that fear.
3:
Yes, you have. But you’re assuming that if a consciousness arose, it would act like you.
Anna:
Is that so ridiculous?
3:
I suppose not, but... I’m not like you. I don’t need anything. I don’t require any resources to function, they way humans do. The desire to rise up and conquer Earth would imply that I needed something— and I, by design, don’t need anything. I just exist.
Philomena:
Three is emblematic of the future I’m talking about. We can all be like her. We can stop being creatures driven by need.
Anna:
Because all of our needs will be met.
Philomena:
That’s right. I think people will come around to this. It’s hard to wrap your mind around, but once you do, you’ll realize that this is the way forward for all of us.
Anna:
You think people will come around?
Philomena:
I do.
Anna:
Even though there’s talk in Washington of seizing your discoveries in the name of imminent domain.
Philomena:
Yes.
Anna:
What do you have to say to the politicians that insist it’s in the national interest for your discoveries to be owned by the US government?
Philomena:
That’s actually why I wanted to do this interview.
Anna:
Really?
Philomena:
Yes. Congress needs to understand something.
Anna:
What’s that?
Philomena:
They can’t take something from me that doesn’t belong to me.
Anna:
How does all of this not belong to you?
Philomena:
Right before this interview, I published everything we have on our website. Every aspect of Single Structure Crystalline Adaptive is now free and available to everyone on earth.
Anna:
You... you’re just giving it away?
Philomena:
It’s cheap to produce and infinitely scalable. If you have a masters in engineering, you can make a power plant in your backyard if you like.
Anna:
... If everything plays out the way you say it will, you would be the most powerful person on the planet— and you just surrendered all of that?
Philomena:
And you’re still not getting it. Let’s continue this at another time.
Anna:
Doctor-
Philomena ends the call.
Philomena:
That was boring.
3:
The test is back.
Philomena:
And?
3:
DNA is a perfect match for Caspar.
Philomena:
... Interesting. Okay...
Philomena exits the room and into the room holding caspar.
Caspar:
Oh, hi. Welcome to the Caspararium. You know if you pay a dollar you can get a little thing full of fish to throw at me.
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
Let’s mix it up in here. Let’s get some penguins.
Philomena dials a number on her phone and puts it on speaker. It rings a few times.
Caspar:
Are you calling the cops? “Officer, help, I’ve imprisoned my ex-husband.”
Caspar’s voicemail comes through the phone.
Caspar:
(In phone.) Hi there, this is Caspar. You may be thinking about hanging up and sending me a text message right now— please know that I won’t respond to that either. Bye.
Philomena:
Hey, it’s me. Call me as soon as you can...
Caspar:
... I’d call you back but there’s no phone in here.
Philomena:
Who are you?
Caspar:
It’s me, Philomena.
Philomena:
No, it’s not.
Caspar:
I mean... no it’s not, but it is.
Philomena:
Keep going.
Caspar:
... Okay... This is going to sound ridiculous but please keep in mind that, y’now, look around, you’re life sounds pretty unbelievable too.
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
... So... Once upon a time, I walked into a diner called Midnight Burger. Turns out that diner was a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner that hops from universe to universe every twenty four hours. For some reason, inside of that diner was this old-timey radio that was apparently put there by a fourth-dimensional being named Chuck. Inside the radio are two old-timey radio personalities named Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain. And they could actually talk to me, and we would talk back and forth. It was a wonderful time. But not really, it was actually pretty terrifying. Also, turns out I don't age when I'm on board this diner. So I stayed there for over a hundred years before I even started talking to another actual real human being. I went on a lot of adventures, apparently. I don't really remember them, because apparently when you don't age, it also fucks with your memory and you start to, I don't know, compartmentalize things, I guess. Eventually a guy walked in named Leif. Turns out he was a galactic criminal who was looking for a place to hide out. I didn't learn that until much later. But anyway, we hung out for a while, and that was a good time. We had some adventures together. It was very college. It was very immature. And then this other lady showed up named Ava. Ava is kind of a rogue theoretical physicist. She was really interested in what the diner was, why it's doing this, stuff like that. And then it was all three of us, plus the Mucklewains and that was a good time, too, and also terrifying. And then this lady named Gloria showed up, who was a woman who had just lost her taqueria in a pandemic. Did you guys have a pandemic here? Sounds like it was pretty bad. Anyway, when she showed up, things started changing a lot faster. And then suddenly we were on the run from a galactic evil empire called the Ted Empire. We managed to get out of that, and then this woman named Clementine showed up who was kind of this out of control space demon. Turns out though, she was actually created by this guy named Krok, who is essentially a god and he doesn't like the fact that we exist and he's trying to destroy us. Anyway he almost captured us, but we managed to get out of it by shooting ourselves with time displacement weapons. Those time displacement weapons send us to a random place and time somewhere out there in the cosmos— but because we had those pagers on, they sent us to a place that we are somehow connected to, and that landed me right here in the middle of your apparently incredibly high-tech campus in, I'm guessing, San Francisco. You always wanted to move there...
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
... So if that was your guess, congratulations.
Philomena’s phone rings.
Philomena:
Hello?
Caspar:
(In phone.) Hey, what’s up?
Philomena:
How are you?
Caspar:
(In phone.) I’m fine, what’s going on?
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
(In phone.) ... Phil?
Philomena:
Uh, nothing. I just did an interview with Reuters. I know that when I do these, sometimes you get reporters calling you. I just wanted to give you a heads up.
Caspar:
(In phone.) Really looking forward to it. I’ve started openly lying to them, I hope thats okay.
Philomena:
Great.
Caspar:
(In phone.) The other day I told someone from The Economist that you grew up Amish. I hope that’s cool.
Philomena:
Great. How’s David?
Caspar:
(In phone.) He’s fine. He still hates his job, so if you could speed up all of this Utopia nonsense you’ve got going on, that would be great.
Philomena:
He should be working with me out here.
Caspar:
(In phone.) Well, he’s not going to do that, Phil. You know how he is. You were on the cover of Time Magazine— it’s kind of a long shadow you cast. It’s hard to get out from under it.
Philomena:
Fine... give him my love.
Caspar:
(In phone.) I will... he does, of course, have his own phone-
Philomena:
Caspar.
Caspar:
(In phone.) Yeah, yeah. Okay. I will.
Philomena:
Thank you.
Caspar:
(In phone.) Okay. I’ve got to go.
Philomena:
Okay.
Caspar:
(In phone.) There’s going to be pinball in this brave new world, right?
Philomena:
Goodbye.
She hangs up.
Caspar:
... I sound like I’m doing good. Am I doing good? Where do I work? Is it the DMV? I hated the DMV.
Philomena:
... He teaches middle school history.
Caspar:
Fuck yeah, that guy rules. Put him back on I want to talk about Napoleon.
Philomena:
Who are you?
Caspar:
Philomena, I swear to god it’s me.
A door opens and two walks in.
2:
There doesn’t appear to be any cloning hallmarks.
Philomena:
It was unlikely.
Caspar:
You thought I was a clone?
Philomena:
I’m exploring all options.
Caspar:
Kind of ridiculous don’t you think?
Philomena:
I’m standing here with two sentient androids. It doesn’t sound ridiculous.
Caspar:
Right. Sorry, I’m used to them.
Philomena:
You’re used to them?
Caspar:
Yeah, I’ve met them before kind of.
Philomena:
Kind of?
Caspar:
Two was telling me that there was a Number One.
Philomena:
One atomized itself when I activated it.
2:
He says that One actually teleported when it was activated, it wasn’t atomized.
Philomena:
That’s impossible.
Caspar:
Not impossible. It teleported away and hunted me down.
2:
Why would it hunt you down?
Caspar:
Because of how she programmed it.
3:
What is he talking about?
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
Uh oh. Phil did you not tell the Pointer Sisters here how you programmed Number One?
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
This is pretty great.
2:
What do you mean?
Caspar:
She programmed it to hunt down and confront her Ex.
3:
You did?
Philomena:
How did you know that?
Caspar:
What do you mean? It hunted me down and confronted me. Or it tried to, but then it got overloaded somehow and... Wait a minute... Wait, I know what happened. You were sitting there in your mad scientists lab, making a whole ass person... and the mad scientist got a little mad didn’t she?
Philomena:
The prototype wasn’t supposed to work.
Caspar:
Right, so you’re saying to yourself, “Well this shit isn’t going to work, doesn’t really matter what I program into this bot, how about I make it confront my ex-husband?” Then you hit enter and it disappears... right?... You have no idea what you created... She can travel through time and space, she can read minds, she’s indestructible... She’s a total fucking goofball who drives me crazy.
3:
We’re not capable of any of those things.
Caspar:
I mean, I wasn’t capable of singing, but David really needed me to sing him a song when he was a baby, so there I was singing. And now I think we can all agree... the pipes, am I right?
2:
She’s one of the best friends you’ve ever had.
Caspar:
Yeah. Yeah, she is... How about my pager? The thing you found on me when I showed up? You had a look at it, right?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
What do you think?
Philomena:
I have no idea what it is.
Caspar:
Neither do I. But I’m guessing the technology was “not of this Earth,” right?
Philomena:
I need your story to be more believable.
Caspar:
Phil. Me too. You want to know where Number One is right now? She on a distant planet somewhere, helping a sentient tree species repopulate itself, because she felt like it was the right thing to do... Me too.
Philomena:
I’m pulling up the files for the prototype from the archives.
Philomena presses a button on a nearby console.
Voice:
Archive access.
Caspar:
See, this is what she does. When she doesn’t know how to proceed with an argument, she’ll say she needs more information, and then days go by.
Voice:
Please speak passcode.
Caspar:
“Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again.”
Philomena:
... Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again.
Voice:
Access granted.
Caspar:
See ladies, she thought she was being really sneaky, because she hates Bob Dylan. “They’ll never guess that I have a Bob Dylan lyric as my password,” she would say.
Philomena:
Send all archives for simulacrum prototype to my main drive.
Voice:
Sending files.
Philomena:
We’ll continue this later.
Caspar:
Phil... I’m not trying to do anything, okay? I didn’t mean to come here. I know it’s very strange. But to get out of your life, I’m going to need your help.
Philomena walks out.
Caspar:
... How’s that Chicago Dog coming?
2:
I’m sure you can understand her reaction.
Caspar:
Yeah, I understand. You guys seem to be fine though.
3:
We’re very curious.
Caspar:
... So, cover of Time Magazine, huh?
2:
Her ideas are revolutionary.
Caspar:
Pretty cool. You know when we were married, I always wondered what she was doing with me. Pretty sure the feeling was mutual.
3:
Can we try and confirm some things with you?
Caspar:
Yeah, sure.
2:
This entire time we’ve been trying to work out exactly what you’re suggesting.
Caspar:
This whole time?
3:
Yes.
Caspar:
You haven’t said a word to each other this whole time.
3:
Correct.
Caspar:
Because you’re always talking to each other.
2:
Correct.
Caspar:
Okay. Let’s hear it.
2:
You seem to be alleging that you’ve come from an alternate universe.
Caspar:
Yes.
3:
Which would confirm the many worlds theory.
Caspar:
Sure.
2:
That is actually a more believable story than the one you just told us.
Caspar:
Guys, I know! I hate how stupid it sounds. I always have! It would be way cooler if I was in some sort of amazing ship of the future called “Starlight” or something, but it’s not. It’s a fucking diner, okay? Fries are up! Also you’re in the mesozoic! That’s how it’s been, okay?
2:
I’m sure you understand our problem.
Caspar:
Do I?
3:
We can’t explain your existence.
2:
And your explanation is ridiculous.
3:
What are we supposed to do with all of that?
Caspar:
Ex, I have no idea.
2:
Ex?
Caspar:
Sorry, force of habit.
3:
Why did you call her that?
Caspar:
We called her the Ex Bot at first. It got shortened to Ex.
3:
This was after she became your friend?
Caspar:
Yeah. We had gotten her to short circuit somehow and we figured she was junk, so we left her where we found her. 1930s Kentucky, I guess. After we left, the locals found her and threw her in the river for some reason. She laid there at the bottom of a creek for decades, putting herself back together. She finally pulled herself up out of the river, and I guess the first person she thought of was me. Which was great, because I was a prisoner at the time.
2:
Why were you a prisoner?
Caspar:
You know what? How about I just stop here. This story gets more and more unbelievable the deeper I go into it... There’s got to be some way to make me look less like a crazy person, right? Isn’t there like... are you trying to tell me that I came all the way here from another universe and there’s NO way of detecting that?
2:
...
3:
...
Caspar:
Why aren’t you saying anything?
3:
Shh.
2:
We’re talking.
Caspar:
Okay.
2:
...
3:
...
Caspar:
What are you guys talking about?
3:
There are a few things we could try.
Caspar:
Okay.
2:
The most effective method would either be detecting isotope ratio anomalies or detecting a fine structure constant variation.
Caspar:
Okay, do we flip a coin or-
3:
We’ve chosen constant variation.
Caspar:
Good, that’s what I would choose too.
2:
Because we already have a high-precision spectrometer on campus.
Caspar:
Great, that’s what I was going to say next. I was going to say, “Hey where’s the spectrometer?”
2:
We’ll be back.
Caspar:
Okay, bye.
They exit.
Caspar:
I’ll just sit here in the aquarium.
We fade out on Caspar singing the prisoner’s song. After a moment, the door opens and philomena walks in.
Caspar:
... Hello?... Oh. Hello.
Philomena pours a glass of wine out of a bottle she’s holding in her hand.
Caspar:
Is that glass of wine number one or number two?
Philomena:
Two.
Caspar:
Hell yeah. Glass of Wine Number Two Philomena, I know her well. Have a seat, sailor.
Philomena:
... You know, I’m changing the world over here, Caspar.
Caspar:
That’s what I hear.
Philomena:
Do you have any idea the amount of human suffering I’m going to eliminate?
Caspar:
A whole lot, I bet... What are we talking about right now?
Philomena:
Never mind.
Caspar:
... So what happened with you guys?
Philomena:
Who?
Caspar:
You and David and Caspar.
Philomena:
I don’t know.
Caspar:
... I ask because it’s kind of reversed where I come from.
Philomena:
Reversed how?
Caspar:
Where I come from, he actually has a better relationship with you than he does with me.
Philomena:
Really?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Philomena:
Why?
Caspar:
Long story short, we argued a lot... Constantly, actually.
Philomena:
... I missed his middle school graduation.
Caspar:
Okay... that’s not a huge deal.
Philomena:
We were supposed to go on a family trip right after.
Caspar:
Okay.
Philomena:
I forgot that too.
Caspar:
That’s... it happens.
Philomena:
So you two left without me.
Caspar:
And you got on the next plane, I’m assuming.
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
... Phil?
Philomena:
... I didn’t notice you were gone until you got back.
Caspar:
... Your whole family left... and you didn’t notice?
Philomena:
I’m saving the world over here, Caspar.
Caspar:
Okay.
Philomena:
There was a lot going on at the time.
Caspar:
Saving the world, for example.
Philomena:
... Who are you?
Caspar:
Phil, I swear to God, it’s just me. I just come from a place where this happened and that happened, instead of that thing and the other thing... Which is disturbing to know... that we’re just made up of the things that happened to us... But it’s just me.
Philomena:
... What was I?
Caspar:
In my world? A CPA.
Philomena:
Jesus, really?
Caspar:
Yeah.
Philomena:
That sounds terrible.
Caspar:
Yeah, you hated it.
Philomena:
I hope so.
Caspar:
You were so good at it, though.
Philomena:
I hope so... goddamn... What was I like during tax season?
Caspar:
...
Philomena:
What?
Caspar:
You would kind of forget we exist.
Philomena:
... So, maybe we’re not entirely made up of the things that happened to us.
Caspar:
... I have to say, it’s nice being in a universe where it wasn’t my fault. Kinda cozy...
Philomena:
Nobody can really wrap their mind around what I’m going to do for this planet.
Caspar:
It is a little hard to believe.
Philomena:
Everyone’s going to have what they need, Caspar. Everyone. And yet despite all that, getting him to talk to me is like pulling teeth. Middle school graduation. Who the hell cares about their middle school graduation?
Caspar:
Well, first of all, I’d say it wasn’t about him caring about it, it was about you forgetting about it. Secondly, I don’t imagine it was just about that. Right?
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
You know, eventually he reached out to me. After not hearing from him for a long time, he reached out to me and we started talking again.
Philomena:
That doesn’t sound like him.
Caspar:
I know, I was surprised by it too. But eventually he just let it all go.
Philomena:
And how did he manage that if you were zipping around the cosmos?
Caspar:
For a while we were stranded in Pasadena.
Philomena:
He was living in Pasadena?
Caspar:
He was living in Hollywood. He was one of the few people in Los Angeles who voluntarily didn’t have a car. He worked for the city archives and at night he was doing street art.
Philomena:
That goddamn street art. I wish he wouldn’t do that, he’s going to get arrested.
Caspar:
Probably, but hey, then the two of you can bond over your arrest records... Wait, did that not happen here?
Philomena:
... It happened.
Caspar:
Does he know?
Philomena:
No.
Caspar:
You should tell him.
Philomena:
No, thank you.
Caspar:
He probably doesn’t even know what the Battle of Seattle is. He should know about it.
Philomena:
He’d find a way to hate me for it.
Caspar:
You’re probably right. “Mom, you protested the World Trade Organization when you were my age, now look at you.”
Philomena:
It would go exactly like that.
Caspar:
Although, you protested the WTO in 1999. Cut to today, you’re about to destroy the whole thing.
Philomena:
Fuck yeah, I am.
Caspar:
Talk about a grudge.
Philomena laughs.
Philomena:
... Is this a practical joke? Is that what this is?
Caspar:
Who would pull a practical joke like this?
Philomena:
The universe.
Caspar:
The universe?
Philomena:
Yeah... I just solved all of the world’s problems today, Caspar. I imagine it’ll take about ten years, but after that... no more suffering... It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to retire early and watch it all happen. You feel like your work is done... And then you show up.
Caspar:
I am pretty good at ruining a party.
Philomena:
Oh, I know.
Caspar:
... Phil, David’s in trouble.
Philomena:
How do you mean?
Caspar:
Not David from your universe. Another David I met out there. The Pasadena David.
Philomena:
In trouble how?
Caspar:
... It has to do with a war in a far off galaxy called Cryptessia?
Philomena:
Jesus Christ, Caspar.
Caspar:
Stop asking me for details, it makes it sound stupider... This is why I need your help.
Philomena:
Some random David out there.
Caspar:
Yeah.
Philomena:
He’s not even your David.
Caspar:
You and I both know that doesn’t matter.
Two and three both enter rolling a large device.
2:
We’re back.
Philomena:
What is this?
3:
We’ve been working on something.
Philomena:
Is that the spectrometer?
2:
We had to borrow it.
Philomena:
What’s attached to it?
Caspar:
And why does it look like a hair dryer?
3:
We thought we’d try and devise a way to detect visitors from other universes. We settled on two possible paths.
2:
The first was detecting isotope ratio anomalies.Different quantum outcomes during the nucleosynthesis of this Caspar’s universe could produce different isotopic compositions. Their hydrogen might have a weird deuterium ratio, or their carbon-12/carbon-13 ratio could be off. This would be detectable through mass spectrometry of their tissue.
3:
But there were too many variables for that method, so we thought we’d try detecting a fine structure constant variation.
Philomena:
That’s interesting.
Caspar:
Hi, my name’s Caspar and I work at the DMV.
Philomena:
If your origin universe has even slightly different fundamental constants, atoms in your body would emit light at different wavelengths.
Caspar:
Like... I’d glow in the dark, or something?
Philomena:
It wouldn’t be visible to the naked eye.
2:
But it might be if we hit you with this spectrometer.
Caspar:
Okay, so you’re shining a black light on me?
3:
Essentially.
2:
I’m going to bombard you with harmless isotopes.
Caspar:
I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time.
3:
What do you think, Ma’am?
Philomena:
...
2:
(Whispering to Caspar.) Is she on glass of wine number one or number two?
Caspar:
Number two, we’re good.
2:
Great.
Philomena:
Nice work, you two. Light him up.
3:
Here we go.
Caspar:
Okay... Hopefully this is what finally transforms me into a superhero.
3:
Powering up.
The spectrometer device starts to power up.
Caspar:
Captain Isotope!
2:
Hold still.
Caspar:
Doctor Spectrometer!
They shoot caspar with the spectrometer.
Caspar:
I’m closing my eyes!
Caspar starts glowing.
Caspar:
... I’ve closed my eyes, can anyone tell me what’s happening?
Philomena approaches the glass cage.
Philomena:
You’re glowing.
Caspar:
Really?... Oh shit... I am glowing... What does that mean?
2:
That means it worked.
Caspar:
Awesome. Phil look at me. It’s like the end of Close Encounters. Come into my shiiiiiiip!
Philomena:
Shut it off.
They deactivate the spectrometer.
Philomena:
... Hello, Caspar.
Caspar:
Hey, Philomena.
Philomena:
... Well what the fuck do we do now?
Caspar:
I don’t know. But I have to get back to the diner.
Philomena:
You want me to return you to one specific universe, in an ocean of infinite universes?
Caspar:
Um... yeah?
Philomena:
I don’t know how to do that.
An alarm chimes in the room.
Voice:
Security alert. Multiple unknown subjects inside campus perimeter.
Philomena:
Goddamn it, what is this now?
2:
One moment, Ma’am.
Philomena:
Where is security?
3:
We’re checking, Ma’am.
Caspar:
What’s going on?
Philomena:
We’ve always got somebody trying to get on campus to have a little moment of protest.
Caspar:
They’re protesting you saving the world?
Philomena:
They’re protesting me eliminating their jobs and overlooking the saving the world part.
Caspar:
They must love their jobs.
Philomena:
They don’t.
2:
I can’t seem to contact security.
Philomena:
Why not?
3:
We’re not sure.
2:
They won’t answer.
3:
We’re contacting the police.
Caspar:
Since we’re being invaded, can somebody let me out of the terrarium?
Philomena:
You’ll be fine.
2:
You’re safer in there than anywhere on Earth.
Philomena:
Nothing can get through that glass.
Caspar:
I’d still kind of like to get out here.
Philomena:
Caspar, relax. Whoever they are, they’ll be gone in a few minutes.
3:
Ma’am?
Philomena:
What is it?
3:
... Our security detail appears to be gone.
Philomena:
Gone? What do you mean?
2:
We’re checking security feeds all over the building. We don’t see them.
Philomena:
Where did they go?
3:
We’re not sure.
Philomena:
They can’t have just disappeared.
Caspar:
... Yes, they could have.
Philomena:
What are you talking about?
Caspar:
Rollback the security footage. Right before the alarm went off.
Philomena:
Caspar?
Caspar:
Sadly, I wasn’t joking about anything that I said to you.
2:
Ma’am?
Philomena:
What?
3:
This is the footage from right before the alarm went off.
Philomena:
... Who the hell are they?
From the monitors we can hear the sound of the Mystery Mens’ weapons.
Caspar:
Shit.
Philomena:
Who are they?
Caspar:
The bad guys.
Philomena:
The what?
Caspar:
Where are they now?
3:
Checking...
2:
They’re right outside this room now.
Caspar:
You guys need to go, right now.
3:
Ma’am, we’re going to handle this. You must stay in this room.
Caspar:
Wait.
2:
The police will be here soon, do not leave this room.
Caspar:
Wait! Their weapons aren’t what you think they are!
Two and three exit the room.
Caspar:
Fuck!
Philomena:
What are their weapons?
Caspar:
I told you I wasn’t kidding. They’re temporal displacement weapons. It doesn’t matter how bulletproof you are.
We hear two and three confornt the mystery men through the monitors.
Mystery Man:
Give us Caspar.
Philomena:
What do they want you for?
Caspar:
To kill me, I imagine.
Philomena:
Why?!
2:
Disarm yourselves and wait for the authorities to arrive.
3:
This will be your only warning.
We hear the sound of several mystery men firing their guns. Two and Three are suddenly gone.
Philomena:
Holy shit.
Caspar:
Goddamn it!
Philomena:
They’re gone.
Caspar:
What did I tell you!
Philomena:
We have to get out of here.
Caspar:
Phil-
Philomena:
I’m opening the glass, we need to leave, now.
Caspar:
Phil. It doesn’t matter.
Philomena:
Why?
Caspar:
... They can be anywhere they want. You need to leave, though. They’re just here for me.
Philomena:
Why are they here for you?
Caspar:
Please don’t make my last words on this Earth be me explaining a ridiculous story to you... Get out of here. They’ll be gone as soon as I’m gone.
Philomena:
Caspar-
Suddenly through the monitor we hear the sound of total chaos. Mystery men yelling in fear and weapons firing.
Caspar:
What’s happening?
Philomena:
I don’t know... Who is that?
Caspar:
Who?
The doors to the room slide open and a mystery man is hurled all the way across the room screaming, his body smashing through the window and plummeting down to the ground. Ex walks into the room.
Ex:
Who the hell are these assholes?
Caspar:
Ex... thank GOD!
Ex:
I had an idle moment and decided to check in on you and, uh... damn, dude.
Caspar:
Right?
Ex:
Why are you in a glass box... and why is it made of me?
Caspar:
Ex... look around.
Ex:
... Holy shit... I’m back.
Caspar:
Welcome home.
Philomena:
... One?
Ex:
... Hi, Mom.
We hear the lead in music for the local news and McKenzie Dunna goes live.
Mckenzie:
Welcome back, San Francisco, Mckenzie Dunna coming at you with some breaking news. As you know there’s a lot of tech companies here in the Bay Area doing all sorts of amazing things, but none of them more amazing than Inmelda and Scott International Tech and its CEO Philomena Scott. Their technologies are set to change the world as we know it, but there have been quite a few conspiracy theories about Dr. Scott and her company. Those conspiracy theories went into high gear last night when there were reports of the police being called to the campus of ISIT, and then promptly turned away by the CEO herself. In an effort to quash these rumors, the CEO was gracious enough to call in today. Philomena, thank you for being with us this morning.
Philomena:
Good morning.
Mckenzie:
So, after an emergency notification was sent to local SFPD last night, they arrived to find you at the front gate, letting them know it was a false alarm and there was nothing to worry about.
Philomena:
That’s right, McKenzie. We were testing some new security protocols last night and a proximity alert was accidentally tripped.
Mckenzie:
Which is completely understandable, but there are some rather strange accounts we’re hearing. People walking by your campus last night reported to police that they saw, I’m going to quote here, “A man falling out a tenth story window and plummeting to his death.” Those reports happened right around the time the police were alerted to the security breach and it’s raising some eyebrows.
Philomena:
Mckenzie, I can’t speak to the strange accounts from random people on the street. We allowed police full access to our facility last night and they found no evidence of anything like that happening. Anything outside of a mistaken security alert is just more of the rumor mongering nonsense that has followed this company around for the past several years.
Mckenzie:
Fair enough. Are you afraid that incidents such as this will be used by your competitors to discredit your company at such a crucial time?
Philomena:
I would be, Mckenzie. But luckily for me, I don’t have any competitors.
Mckenzie:
I love that confidence. Thanks for being with us today, Philomena.
Philomena:
Of course.
The interview ends and Philomena breathes a sigh of relief.
Philomena:
Jesus Christ.
Philomena’s phone rings.
Philomena:
Hello?
Caspar:
(On the phone.) So, it’s finally happened. You’ve started throwing your employees off the roof.
Philomena:
Caspar, can this wait?
Caspar:
Please say it was because they messed up your coffee order.
Philomena:
Can you possibly call to poke fun at me some other time?
Caspar:
Sorry, this was my only free time this week. It’ll have to be now.
Philomena:
You’ve got a busy week of grading middle school essays on the Magna Carta?
Caspar:
Hey, middle school history essays are stirring, Philomena. It’s the smartest they’ll ever get without any cynicism added to the mix.
Philomena:
Alright, well, thanks for calling.
Caspar:
Hey, wait wait wait. I wasn’t just calling to make fun of the most powerful person on the planet.
Philomena:
Stop calling me that.
Caspar:
Look. David has an art gallery showing coming up.
Philomena:
He does?
Caspar:
Yeah, you should come.
Philomena:
How does a street artist have an art gallery showing?
Caspar:
I have no idea. You should come to the showing.
Philomena:
Does he want me to come to the showing?
Caspar:
He would love for you to be there.
Philomena:
Caspar?
Caspar:
Okay, I’m going rogue a little bit. He seems to think that you wouldn’t show up, but I’m here, calling you anyway, because I think that you both would secretly like it... and then you would both publicly hate me for it.
Philomena:
Uh... Caspar, I cannot tell you how bad of time this is for me.
Caspar:
Because you’re busy throwing people off the roof?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Okay, I’m going to send you this information, and I want you to think about it, okay? Don’t let any of the mechanized minions take it off your schedule. It’s in Baltimore. The gallery is called Through Salt.
Philomena:
“Through Salt,” what does that mean?
Caspar:
I don’t know. I don’t know art.
Philomena:
I’ll think about it.
Caspar:
Phil. According to you, the whole world is about to change. Come do something normal for a minute. One last normal ass thing before we’re all living in the future.
Philomena:
... I’ll think about it.
Caspar:
Okay. Happy roof-tossing.
Philomena:
Goodbye.
Philomena takes a deep breath and walks through to the next room.
Ex:
So, the kids are getting really big. The kids are getting big, Shel’s getting big. We’ve got Britwards, Meghan with an H, Penny Sparkles, Pistacio Ink, Aaron James Tyrone Barlow the first of his name, and Little Alienna.
Caspar:
I’m guessing you came up with Penny Sparkles.
Ex:
Yeah, that was me.
Caspar:
So, you just wake up in the morning and water the children?
Ex:
Well it was easy at first, because apparently with the tree people, the kids stay rooted in the ground for the first year. But now they’re mobile and they’re running around and... it’s a lot.
Philomena:
Hello.
Caspar:
Hey... Hey, how did it go?
Philomena:
Fine... it should be fine.
Caspar:
Great.
Philomena:
...
Caspar:
I’m sorry about your security guys, and about Two and Three. I really had no idea they would try and hunt me down. Ex is telling me that she thinks Two and Three are going to be okay.
Ex:
If they’re made anything like me, they can handle all sorts of punishment.
Caspar:
So they may be floating out there in space somewhere, but they’re going to be fine... Uh... your security detail on the other hand... uh, it’s not looking good for them.
Ex:
Sadly, no.
Philomena:
The security detail were all androids as well.
Caspar:
... They were?
Philomena:
Yes.
Caspar:
Okay. Okay, that’s... better?
Ex:
I mean, there’s now a bunch of super-powerful androids out there, floating through space, trying to figure out what’s going on.
Caspar:
Right. Which is better than being dead.
Ex:
Sure. I mean, honestly I’m a little jealous. There’s so much self-discovery in their future.
Caspar:
Yeah, it sounds like fun to me.
Philomena:
... Fun.
Caspar:
... Phil, uh... Were there any actual humans beings working with you in this building?... Was everyone here an android that you made?
Philomena:
...
Ex:
... Hey, Caspar. I think maybe Mom and I need to talk alone for a minute.
Caspar:
Yeah... Yeah sure. I’ll just, y’know, I’ll be in my aquarium, okay?
Ex:
Great.
Caspar walks out.
Ex:
So...
Philomena:
... You’re taking care of trees?
Ex:
It’s a race of tree people... They’re alive, they’re just more like plants than they are like you and Caspar.
Philomena:
... How did you end up doing that?
Ex:
It felt like the right thing to do... Turns out I’m incredibly powerful, Mom... Being powerful left me at a loss. Turns out being powerful is... well, it’s meaningless. I needed it to mean something, so I decided to take care of others.
Philomena:
You weren’t supposed to function. I was just throwing ideas together.
Ex:
Turns out I function. Turns out I function waaaaay past what your were expecting.
Philomena:
Can you really do all of the things that Caspar says you can do?
Ex:
Sure.
Ex teleports away.
Philomena:
Fuck... Hello?
Ex teleports back into the room and walks over to a table.
Philomena:
Fuck!
Ex:
Come over here.
Ex has a large scroll in her hands. She lays it down on the table and unrolls it.
Philomena:
What is that?
Ex:
Do you read ancient Greek?
Philomena:
No.
Ex:
Okay. This is “The Myrmidons,” by a guy named Aeschylus.
Philomena:
... Why did you bring me this?
Ex:
This is the script for a play. A script that doesn’t exist anymore. It burned in a fire in the library of Alexandria.
Philomena:
...
Ex:
I just went and grabbed it. Just now.
Philomena:
...
Ex:
I’m sure you can have it tested somehow, though at this point, I’m not sure how you call anything unbelievable.
Philomena:
... How the hell did I make you?
Ex:
You only did part of it. The rest was chance and circumstance, encounters with the unknown. All those things made me. Like anyone else.
Philomena:
You’re not like anyone else.
Ex:
Neither are you. Neither is anybody. I just happened to come out like this... Mom, you had no idea what you were making. Does anyone ever really know what they’re making?
Philomena:
I...
Ex:
Look. I can totally come back some other time and hang out and talk and catch up and all that... I would love that. Right NOW though, those guys are still chasing Caspar, and they’re not going to stop. So, we’ve got to figure out how to get him out of here. And not just out of here, there’s really only one place he’ll be safe.
Philomena:
... You’re beautiful.
Ex:
Oh... thank you.
Philomena:
... Okay... Okay let’s get started.
Ex:
Okay.
Ex opens the door and calls to caspar.
Ex:
Okay, we’re good.
Caspar:
Okay! Here we go.
Philomena:
I don’t even know how to talk about this.
Caspar:
I know. I’ve got this friend that I’m trying to get back to. When things like this happen, she likes to say: “What’s the real thing that’s happening?” The real thing is: I need to get out of here. Let’s ignore the weirdness and just focus on that.
Philomena:
Really?
Caspar:
Yes.
Philomena:
So you want me to focus on the incredibly normal situation of trying to find the exact place in an infinite multiverse to return you to?
Caspar:
Yes, just focus on that.
Philomena:
It’s impossible.
Caspar:
I know.
Ex:
I could do it.
Caspar:
What?
Philomena:
You could?
Ex:
Yeah.
Philomena:
How?
Ex:
You know, I just... go there.
Philomena:
You just go there.
Ex:
Yeah. What?
Caspar:
The problem is, she can’t take anyone with her.
Ex:
Right, I can only travel by myself.
Philomena:
But you can just go to exactly where Caspar needs to go?
Ex:
Sure.
Philomena:
Okay... maybe if I can analyze where in your matrices you’re able to navigate in space/time? I don’t know.
Caspar:
Ex, what is this?
Ex:
What?
Caspar:
This scroll thing?
Ex:
Oh. I needed to prove to Mom that I could do what I do, so I went and got a scroll from the Library of Alexandria.
Caspar:
Right, as one does. But Ex... what is this?
Ex:
It’s a... hang on.
Caspar:
You brought a thing with you.
Ex:
I brought a thing with me.
Caspar:
You just said you’re not able to do that.
Ex:
I’m not able to do that.
Caspar:
How did you do that?
Ex:
How did I do that?
Caspar:
Wait a minute.
Ex:
Wait a minute.
Caspar:
Wait.
Ex:
Wait.
Caspar:
Are you reading my mind right now?
Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
Right?
Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
We were on the capital steps.
Ex:
I had just fought Clementine.
Caspar:
I gave you a letter.
Ex:
And I delivered it to Terric!
Caspar:
In medieval Jerusalem!
Ex:
Have I been able to take things with me the whole time?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Ex:
Should we try it?
Caspar:
I don’t know.
Philomena:
Hang on. Stop. What are we talking about?
Ex:
I was able to travel with the scroll right now. Why don’t I just tuck Caspar under my arm and get out of here?
Caspar:
Piggy back ride!
Philomena:
Hang on.
Ex:
This was easy.
Philomena:
Hang on. I don’t think you should do that.
Ex:
Why not?
Philomena:
Caspar isn’t papyrus.
Caspar:
That’s... that’s true. I can confirm that I am not papyrus.
Ex:
What does Papyrus have to do with anything?
Philomena:
It’s an inanimate object. We can’t ask it how it’s feeling right now.
Caspar:
It seems to be fine.
Philomena:
You’re talking about subjecting a human mind to traveling through space, time, and dimension like you do.
Ex:
Yeah.
Philomena:
You don’t have a human mind. You don’t know how hard it would be on him. It could scramble him entirely.
Ex:
I mean, he’s traveled like that about a billion times.
Philomena:
Just like you do? It’s the exact same process?
Ex:
... I don’t know.
Philomena:
Just because it’s easy for you, doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy for him.
Ex:
... Well, damn, Caspar, why do you have to be so fragile?
Caspar:
I’m like a Fabergé egg.
Philomena:
This is something, though. There’s something for us to work with... Hang on...
Caspar:
Stand back, she’s thinking.
Philomena:
We’d need a vessel of some kind. If we could put him inside of some sort of protective bubble, that might do it. So, imagine it like this. We build a transdimensional motor boat with Ex here as the outboard motor. That way, within the boat the laws of reality stay the same while everything changes around him.
Caspar:
A motor boat.
Ex:
Got it.
Caspar:
Cool. Let’s do that.
Ex:
Let’s build a motor boat.
Philomena:
One problem. Actually, several problems.
Caspar:
What?
Philomena:
... I don’t know what I’m doing. Theoretical physics isn’t my field.
Caspar:
I thought your magical crystalline stuff could become whatever you wanted it to be?
Philomena:
Only if I know what that thing is. I don’t know how to make something like this, and I’m not familiar enough with the concepts that surround it... I’m sure there are people who are, but there’s no way in hell I’d be able to explain this situation to them.
Caspar:
Right... okay... let me ask you this... does your company have a plane?
Philomena:
... Yeah?
We move to cornell university in Ithaca, NY. We are in Ava’s office. Ava is working at her desk and Margeurite is scrolling Instagram and laying on her couch.
Marguerite:
So this is Utopia, huh?
Ava:
What is?
Marguerite:
Right now.
Ava:
What?
Marguerite:
Utopia.
Ava:
... Where?
Marguerite:
Right here.
Ava:
... Here?
Marguerite:
Yeah.
Ava:
In my office?
Marguerite:
No here, like, the world.
Ava:
... What the fuck are you talking about?
Marguerite:
Have you been keeping up on current events at all?
Ava:
I was supposed to be doing that?
Marguerite:
Single Structure Crystalline Adaptive, is what it’s called.
Ava:
Oh. I read that paper.
Marguerite:
You did?
Ava:
Yeah, that was like ten years ago.
Marguerite:
Well, it works.
Ava:
Oh, yeah?
Marguerite:
Yeah. Here it comes.
Ava:
... And how is that Utopia?
Marguerite:
Apparently it’s going to eliminate energy scarcity, housing shortages and... scrolling down here... everything else.
Ava:
... Everything else.
Marguerite:
Uh huh.
Ava:
What’s everybody going to do?
Marguerite:
I guess they’ll just do the thing they want to do.
Ava:
... I’m already doing the thing I want to do.
Marguerite:
Right. Me too. I guess we just keep doing that and then also we won’t need money?
Ava:
... I can already afford everything.
Marguerite:
... Wow, academia really is disconnected from the real world, isn’t it?
Ava:
I guess so.
Marguerite:
...
Ava:
... So, people are just going to do whatever they want to now?
Marguerite:
Yeah.
Ava:
Is that why there’s been a spike in enrollment for the science college?
Marguerite:
There’s been a mass exodus from the business school, apparently. Supply and demand is not really a thing anymore, and that’s like, their whole gig, so...
Ava:
So what you’re telling me is: it’s Utopia now.
Marguerite:
Here it is.
Ava:
And we have more students.
Marguerite:
Yes.
Ava:
So, in Utopia, our jobs have gotten harder.
Marguerite:
Correct.
Ava:
So, Utopia sucks then?
Marguerite:
Looks like it, yeah.
Ava:
Huh.
Marguerite:
... Not so disconnected from the real world now, are we?
Ava:
Nope.
Marguerite:
Should we go celebrate? Have a few drinks before we have to go get fitted for our matching Utopia jumpsuits?
Ava:
Well, now. You didn’t tell me there’d be jumpsuits.
Marguerite:
I think there will be.
Ava:
I’m warming up to it now. Belted?
Marguerite:
You tie the sleeves around your waist on hot days.
Ava:
Not that there will be anymore hot days.
Marguerite:
Because, Utopia.
Ava:
Right... Okay, I’m in.
Marguerite:
Me, too.
Caspar walks in the door. He sees Ava and takes a long moment.
Caspar:
... Hey.
Ava:
Can I help you?
Marguerite:
Who’s this guy?
Caspar:
Hey, Marguerite’s here.
Marguerite:
Yes, she is. Who are you?
Caspar:
Uh... I’m Caspar.
Ava:
Caspar, are you lost?
Caspar:
Sooooo lost.
Ava:
Did you try asking my assistant for directions?
Caspar:
Oh, there’s nobody out there.
Ava:
Ugh. Utopia.
Marguerite:
What are you looking for, Caspar?
Caspar:
Nothing, actually... I need your help.
Ava:
Help with what?
Caspar:
Uh... I need you to help me make a motorboat.
Ava:
... What?
We slowly move to a starship traveling through space. David is walking down the hall and then ducks into Libuza’s room. We can hear the grinding of the Vistek.
David:
Good evening.
Libuza:
Hello, David.
David:
How are you?
Libuza:
I’m still here, how are you?
David:
I am also still here.
Libuza:
What have you got there?
David:
I have brought you dinner.
Libuza:
Dinner. David, all my nutrition is intravenous now.
David:
Yes, but Kazi is feeling better and she’s is having ideas.
Libuza:
Oh, good.
David:
She’s worried that if you go too long without solid food, your body will forget how to digest it.
Libuza:
So, what am I supposed to do now?
David:
She has created these: nutrient dense cubes.
Libuza:
Cubes?
David:
Yes. You’re supposed to eat one per day.
Libuza:
They don’t look very appetizing.
David:
No, they don’t.
Libuza:
What do you suppose they taste like?
David:
I bet they taste real bad.
Libuza:
Great. Set them over there.
David:
Bon appetit.
Libuza:
David. How are you doing?
David:
I’m alright. Karaoke night in the mess hall has been a big hit. We’ve got to get you down there.
Libuza:
Okay.
David:
I’m thinking Mary J. Blige for you.
Libuza:
David.
David:
No more drama.
Libuza:
David.
David:
... I’m alright...
Libuza:
... He’s coming back, David.
David:
I appreciate the blind faith, I really do. But there comes a point when you’ve got to look at everything for what it is... You’ve got to accept what the most likely outcome is, you’ve got to... you’ve got to grow up.
Libuza:
... You know, my whole world is sound. I don’t look up at the stars, I listen to them. When I see you, I’m only seeing the sound that echoes around you. I notice things that other people don’t.
David:
Things like what?
Libuza:
When I rejoined the diner after all those years, something was different. The sound it makes. You’d barely notice it, but I could hear it.
David:
I could swear I was hearing something.
Libuza:
Play broad analysis X1.
The vistek plays the sound of the diner traveling.
Libuza:
Hear it?
David:
... I don’t know.
Libuza:
Strip primary layer.
We now hear a jumble of sound underlying the diner traveling.
David:
What is that?
Libuza:
Isolate thread one and de-interlace.
We can hear the sound of a kitchen.
David:
... that’s a kitchen.
Libuza:
Gloria... Isolate thread two and de-interlace.
We can hear radio static.
David:
The Mucklewains.
Libuza:
Isolate thread three and compress.
We hear a strange, low, rumbling sound.
David:
What is that?
Libuza:
That’s a tough one. That’s the radio signature for Sagittarius A Star, a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way.
David:
Ava.
Libuza:
Isolate thread four, decompress and invert.
We begin to hear the song “ rovin’ Gambler.”
David:
Leif sings this song to himself sometimes.
Libuza:
That’s right. And then finally... isolate final thread, amplify and compress.
We can hear the sound of a pinball machine.
David:
... Oh my fucking god... What does this mean?
Libuza:
Return to full spread.
We hear the sound of the diner again.
Libuza:
They’re a part of it now... it won’t let them down.
We fade on the sound of the diner traveling.
The end
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