Midnight Burger
Chapter 39: The Interrodrome!
We Hear the hum of a giant starship.
Ava:
(Singing.) There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, seleniumAnd hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium And gold protactinium and indium and gallium And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium-
A door slides open. Two mystery men walk in.
Ava:
... Anyone want to take the next verse?
Mystery Man 1:
Describe your relationship to the construct.
Ava:
... I’m sorry, I just can’t take you seriously with those voices anymore. Those aren’t your real voices are they? Hard to be casual right? Like, how do you order coffee? “Deliver to me a caramel macchiato, half whip.” Baristas would shit themselves... Wait, I’m seeing the appeal now, because that would be funny. Is it a bit? Are you having a little fun time over there with your boom boom voices?
Mystery Man 1:
Describe your relationship to the construct.
Ava:
Do me a favor, say something goofy with the big voices, say “big fluffy bunnies”.
Mystery Man 2:
Big fluffy bunnies?
Mystery Man 1:
Stop it.
Ava:
That’s great. I’m pro big scary voice now. How can I get a helmet? I want to join up.
Mystery Man 1:
Answer our question.
Ava:
You didn’t ask me a question.
Mystery Man 1:
Describe your relationship to the construct.
Ava:
Okay, here’s how this works... a question needs to end with a question mark, okay? Also it helps if there’s a little upturn at the end to get rid of any confusion. Let me show you: “Are you guys fucking stuPID?” Like that.
Mystery Man 1:
We will continue to withhold food and water until you answer our questions.
Ava:
That’s fine but could I get a magazine or something? Ooh, do have Highlights? I really like finding the hidden objects.
Mystery Man 2:
We have no magazines.
Mystery Man 1:
We are authorized to use whatever means necessary to extract the information we need.
Mystery Man 2:
We will also withhold magazines.
Mystery Man 1:
Stop it. Comply with our demands or or we will resort to harsher measures.
Ava:
... What’s the dynamic here? Are you two equals or is there somebody in charge? See, usually it’s the person who doesn’t say much who’s in charge but every time this one opens his mouth he sounds like a moron. Are you the guy who calls the shots around here?
Mystery Man 2:
We are equals.
Ava:
Sure, but I mean, who’s REALLY in charge? Like, are you the one always fucking up and he’s the one who cleans up your mess? That’s the sense I’m getting.
Mystery Man 1:
You are attempting to use psychological tactics to impede our interrogation. We have been trained to resist such tactics.
Ava:
Oh? Trained? That’s interesting, trained by who?
Mystery Man 2 :
At our processing point.
Mystery Man 1:
Stop speaking.
Ava:
Processing point?... That’s interesting.
Mystery Man 1:
What is your relationship to the construct.
Ava:
Processing point... I’ve been trying to get a read on you guys since I got here. Processing point. So... it’s a regimented society, one in which people are processed like a resource. People are resources where you come from. Okay. But resources are meant to be consumed, consumed by who? There’s a hierarchy, then. So it’s a hierarchical society, but that could be a lot of things. Probably not a political one, y’all don’t seem like the voting type. Militaristic? No. No, you’re aggressive but not militaristic, you’re not trying to grab territory but there is a plan of some kind, right? Attacking us was part of some plan, who makes plans? It’s not a corporate structure is it? No, that really needs to exist in some sort of credited system where wealth can be accumulated. You’re not accumulating wealth—your technology is too advanced. So we’re not talking about wealth or power or territory—we’re talking about what?... Ideas. Somewhere out there is an ideologue. Yes. A philosophy. There’s a central philosophy to all this. Is it a caste system? People are born into a role, they play that role out until they die. No. No you’re both true believers, you believe in what you’re doing so it’s almost religion or philosophy approached like a religion, like it’s unerring buuuuuut... but you’re both also scared out your minds right now. Even through your stupid voice filters I can hear the fear in your voices when these interrogations don’t go well. What are you scared of exactly?... Aha... The Pharaoh... That’s it... a single godlike emperor that paralyzes you with fear... so who is it?... Who are you scared of right now?
Mystery Man 2 :
... We are striving to create balance.
Ava:
There you go, Number 2. That’s what I like to hear, tell me more about that.
Mystery Man 1:
Stop talking.
Ava:
Shhhh. Don’t listen to him, Number 2, he’s not even here right now, it’s just you and me. Talk to me about the balance... See, people like you, aggressive ideologues—that’s what you are, by the way, in case you were wondering—people like you generally don’t strive for balance they strive to advance, to push outward. That is, by definition, imbalanced, empires rise and fall. So if you’re striving for balance why do you attack things? You attacked us which must mean we’re the enemy of the balance you’re talking about. I’m sitting here, I haven’t had food or water for about twenty-four hours and you say it’s because you’re trying to create balance... Balance of what, Number 2?
Mystery Man 1:
Stop talking to him.
Ava:
Did you hear something, Number 2? I didn’t, it must be the wind... See, once upon a time it took the full might of an intergalactic empire just to trap us in three galaxies... You’re much more advanced than that. You can travel temporally, spatially. You’re the most advanced goons we’ve ever encountered, and we’re messing up your plans. And since we work on a universal, multiversal scale then... well, your plan has to be that big doesn’t it?... What’s the plan Number 2?... Balance... you know that doesn’t exist, right? There’s no balance in any universe, it’s all just lurching forward, nothing’s brought into balance. You do understand that, right?
Mystery Man 1:
You have no idea what we are capable of.
Ava:
... Yeah, you’re right, I probably don’t. But are you aware of what you aren’t capable of?
The door slides open and they exit.
Ava:
Oh, come on, guys, it was just getting good.
The door slides shut, leaving Ava on the other side. The two mystery men wait for a moment and then remove their helmets.
Rigo:
Fuck, that was so stressful.
Deirnts:
She’s so mean, why is she so mean?
We hear the sound of an intense scanner sweeping across a room, then silence.
Zebulon:
Well, here we are in this room.
Effie:
... I am unhappy.
Zebulon:
Yes.
Effie:
I am going to have so many words with that woman as soon as I see her face again.
Zebulon:
It would be helpful to know her mind.
Effie:
Just a bit helpful, Zebulon, yes.
Zebulon:
Wonder where we’ve been brought to? Some sort of enclave for our enemies? Some sort of foreboding castle?
Effie:
We’ve been through the dang ringer with that woman and she just picks us up and drags us into a great big mess.
Zebulon:
And what is that loud contraption that keeps trying to have a look at us?
Effie:
Are the walls of Jericho going to tumble down if she shares with us what’s going on in that head of hers?
Zebulon:
Here it comes again, Dear.
A scanner slowly scans the room once again.
Effie:
Now, I’ve long since abandoned any expectations of politeness coming from her direction, but a few words right before we were snatched up? Is the creek going to flood if such a thing occurs?
Zebulon:
Dear, I understand your frustrations but perhaps we prioritize just a bit since we are trapped here in this... wherever we are.
Effie:
What’s to be done, Zebulon? Alls we can do is sit here til there’s some sort of development.
Zebulon:
Here it comes again.
The scanner sweeps the room again.
Zebulon:
Surely this wasn’t thoughtless of her.
Effie:
I think we were on the way as she was headed to the door and decided to grab us up as an afterthought.
Zebulon:
Dear, does that truly sound like the Ava we know?
Effie:
No, it doesn’t, the Ava we know sounds like this, “Oooh sciency-shmiency, I’m so smart, boop boop boop, obscenity.”
Zebulon:
I feel as though you’re not quite capturing the essence-
Effie:
I am unhappy, Zebulon.
Zebulon:
Dear. Can we, just for a moment, consider why Ava may have purposefully brought us along on this little sojourn of hers?
Effie:
Here it comes again.
They are scanned again.
Effie:
... I suppose I’ll consider it for a moment.
Zebulon:
Alright then. I think we can both agree that Ava did not do this as some sort of elaborate lampoon.
Effie:
... Alright, yes.
Zebulon:
A bit mad? Oh yes, certainly. But we must assume there is method within that madness.
Effie:
Must we?
Zebulon:
She made some sort of remark as we were swept away, something about our captors not knowing their upsides from their downsides.
Effie:
I remember.
Zebulon:
“They don’t know what’s going on either,” she said.
Effie:
What are you getting at husband?
Zebulon:
Do you recall that time young Nick Howard came to the farm?
Effie:
Oh yes I do, he was a shifty one that Nick Howard.
Zebulon:
He was going farm to farm, trying to see who was willing to sell and who wasn’t. You knew this, but you invited him in regardless.
Effie:
Because I wanted to see what he was up to.
Zebulon:
He was trying to suss you out.
Effie:
... And I went and sussed him right back.
Zebulon:
Correct.
Effie:
Ava’s trying to have a look at our captors while they’re having a look at her.
Zebulon:
Precisely.
Effie:
It ain’t the worst plan in the world, but there’s a flaw in it.
Zebulon:
For even after she’s done with all that sussing, we are still the prisoners of those we’ve sussed.
Effie:
Exactly...
Zebulon:
...
Both Of Them:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Effie:
She intends for us to get her out of this particular mess.
Zebulon:
Which is why she has brought us along.
Effie:
And which could’ve been explained if she’d only taken about a half a moment.
Zebulon:
We could’ve had it explained to us better, that is for certain, but let’s not ask the impossible. She operates best within vagaries.
Effie:
Which I will be adding to the list of things we will be having words about. But now is not the time.
Zebulon:
I wonder what she means for us to do?
Effie:
There’s no way to know. Lets wait for this malevolent eye to take another look, then let’s start messing with things.
Zebulon:
Here it comes again.
They are scanned again.
Zebulon:
Take my hand dear... Put on the whole armor of God...
The radio crackles and they are gone. We move to a cavernous room. We hear the rolling sound of the Vistek. Three holograms appear.
1:
It’s certainly a novel concept.
2:
Adorable even.
3:
Though most use cases are facile at best.
1:
True. Though they seem to have fared better than the others.
2:
What are we meant to do with it all again?
1:
Still no word from the benefactor on the three descendants, but the representative and the anomaly are under strict scrutiny.
3:
This would, of course, be much better handled by ourselves.
1:
Yes, but you know that is not the way.
2:
They must tilt before they become balanced.
3:
Some of them tilt far more than the others.
1:
Speaking of which.
A door slides open and Deirnts and Rigo walk in. Rigo is wearing his voice altering helmet and Deirnts is not.
Rigo:
Reporting in.
Deirnts:
Reporting in.
1:
... Where is your helemt?
Deirnts:
It’s here, I have it here.
3:
You wear the mask until you are the mask, that is the rule.
Deirnts:
I’m sorry, I...
Rigo:
His air valve is malfunctioning, it will be repaired soon.
1:
Do not make excuses for him.
2:
This is no way to present yourself to us.
3:
Put on the helmet.
Deirnts:
But it-
Rigo:
Just put it on.
Deirnts:
Okay...
Deirnts puts on the helmet.
1:
Report.
Rigo:
The representative is still unresponsive to our questions.
3:
Coercive techniques?
Rigo:
We have denied her food and water for 27 of her hours now.
3:
And?
Rigo:
She seems to...
2:
She seems to?
Rigo:
She seems to enjoy it.
1:
It’s as we expected.
3:
She’s oppositional in nature. Find alternate tactics.
Deirnts:
(Breathing heavily.) We... are concerned... about her... heightened perception of... her heightened perception of...
1:
For the sake of the balance, remove your helmet.
Deirnts removes his helmet and sucks in a massive breath.
3:
Disgraceful.
Rigo:
What he was going to say-
2:
Don’t speak for him.
Deirnts:
She seems to learn more... about us with each interrogation... She thinks she’s interrogating us...
1:
Interesting.
2:
This could work to our advantage.
3:
If we give her the illusion of advantage, she may be more forthcoming.
1:
Agreed... Continue your interrogation. Use your best judgement.
Rigo:
... Our best judgement?
3:
Yes.
2:
Whatever you think is best.
Deirnts:
I don’t think that’s a great idea.
Rigo:
Thank you. We will continue our interrogation.
1:
For the balance.
2:
For the balance.
3:
For the balance.
Rigo:
... For the balance.
Rigo and deirnts back out of the room. A door slides behind them.
Deirnts:
Best judgement?! What does that mean?
Rigo:
What do they want us to do?
Deirnts:
I don’t know, I don’t know what they want us to do. They want us to do something! That’s clear!
Rigo:
How did we even get this assignment?!
Deirnts:
WHY WONT THEY TELL US WHAT TO DO?!
Voice:
Remember: in times of stress, focus on your duties to create balance.
Deirnts:
I can get my helmet fixed.
Rigo:
Yeah, we’ll go fix your helmet.
Deirnts:
Yeah.
Rigo:
And then we’ll think.
Deirnts:
No.
We move to Ava’s cell. We hear guards occasionally walk by.
Teta:
(Through the wall.) Things went well for a while. We had structures built, the geothermal plant was working, we had two architects who were working on the initial city plans. That’s when they showed up. There were more of them this time, a whole army. Nothing I tried on them worked, they’ve all got shields that I can’t break through, and they’ve got weapons that can just blip you out of existence.
Ava:
Leif thinks they’re time displacement weapons.
Teta:
I’ve never even heard of that.
Ava:
When we were hit by them we were flung out into an random spot in existence, but because the diner is the diner it wasn’t as random as they wanted it to be. Leif thinks all their tech works this way. They’re guns aren’t making you disappear, their making you reappear somewhere randomly in space, time and dimension.
Teta:
Who’s Leif?
Ava:
My engineer.
Teta:
Okay. Whatever they are, they didn’t want to kill us. They captured us and separated us from the colonists. We have no idea where they are.
Ava:
But they haven’t been interrogating you?
Teta:
No, it’s weird. They’ve kept us isolated in this cell, zero contact.
Kazi:
Ava, you were saying that the diner had been stranded on Earth?
Ava:
As soon as Caspar started hearing your message we were attacked. That’s when we were stranded.
Kazi:
At least I know the message was getting there, it was a bit of an experiment.
Ava:
Yeah, how did you do that, by the way?
Kazi:
I planted a monitor on him when we were back at the diner.
Ava:
You did?
Kazi:
Yes, whenever there’s a person of biological interest to me, I place a monitor on them.
Ava:
Biological interest?
Kazi:
Yes, his body was acting differently than the norm, I decided to monitor it.
Ava:
He was a prisoner of the Teds for a long time, wouldn’t they have found a monitor?
Kazi:
My technology is organic, it can’t be detected. It would just look like a beauty mark.
Ava:
The one on the back of his neck?
Kazi:
... Yes.
Ava:
So you’ve been monitoring his vital signs this whole time?
Kazi:
No. The signal would go in and out. I’m assuming because he was traveling.
Ava:
How did you stay connected to it?
Kazi:
Entanglement.
Ava:
Cool.
Kazi:
As soon as the signal came through strong again, I attempted to broadcast a message to him through the monitor. I imagine that’s when you arrived in this universe.
Ava:
Can you see his vital signs right now?
Kazi:
I can, but now their distorted somehow.
Ava:
They must be on the move.
Teta:
You’re not stranded anymore?
Ava:
I think we may have gotten pulled out of the mud. It was a whole thing about having two Cadillacs, I’ll explain later. I think we need to assume that they’re back on the move and they’re headed here.
Teta:
To Cryptessia?
Ava:
Yes.
Kazi:
Just like Libuza said they would.
Teta:
They could be headed anywhere, how do we know they’re headed here?
Ava:
There’s one way to find out. The diner has a pre-print. There’s an energy signature that shows up a few days before the diner.
Kazi:
Really?
Ava:
We need to get out of here so we can try to detect that signature.
Teta:
Then we’re back to this. There’s no way we’re getting out of here.
Ava:
Maybe not. BUT... I’ve got a wild card.
Teta:
What is it?
Ava:
I brought The Mucklewains with me.
Teta:
The radio people? What the hell are they going to do?
Ava:
Oh I think you’ll find the Mucklewains have expanded their portfolio since the last time you saw them... How’s Libuza?
Kazi:
Still not speaking.
Teta:
She blames herself for all this. She couldn’t see them coming.
Ava:
Has this happened before?
Kazi:
With enough focus, we’ve found she can predict anything. She can miss things but only when she’s distracted or focusing on another prediction. She should’ve seen something this significant but it was a total blind spot for her.
Ava:
I want to get a look at her math so bad, Kazi.
Kazi:
Get us out of here and we can show you everything.
The door to ava’s cell slides open.
Rigo:
Proceed with us to the interrogation point.
Ava:
(Southern Belle voice.) My chariot has arrived! I do declare, with all these gentlemen callers how is a lady meant to have time for keeping herself so pretty?
Deirnts:
Why are you speaking in that fashion?
Ava:
Such a tough room, guys. Seriously.
Rigo:
Proceed with us-
Ava:
Yeah yeah yeah, the interrogation point. Sure.
They walk down the hall.
Ava:
You need cooler names for things, guys. The interrogation point just isn’t doing it for me.
Rigo:
Do not speak until we reach the-
Ava:
The Interrodrome!... Nothing?
Deirnts:
Your strange behavior will not distract us from our objective.
Ava:
Oh, Number 2, you think this is strange? You’re about the have the weeeeeirdest day of your life.
We are in an empty space. There is silence at first and then we hear radio static. Zebulon’s footsteps echo in the empty space.
Zebulon:
... Hello?... Odd.
The three holograms appear.
1:
What are you doing here?
2:
What is it?
3:
How did you get here?
Zebulon:
Ah. Hello there.
1:
Explain yourself.
Zebulon:
Well, I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with... hmm.
2:
It’s the Pastor.
3:
The Pastor?
2:
From the anomaly.
1:
What is it doing here?
3:
Explain yourself, please.
Zebulon:
Didn’t mean to intrude, I was simply taking a bit of a walk and found myself here.
2:
A bit of a walk?
3:
You’re inside our core matrix. You cannot simply walk in.
Zebulon:
I suppose I should’ve been told that before I walked in.
1:
I’m initiating a data purge-
2:
Wait. Our scans of their receptacle have revealed very little. This may be an opportunity.
3:
I’m uncomfortable with this level of penetration into our network.
1:
As am I.
2:
But we have directives from the benefactor. Surely it’s worth the risk?
1:
... For a time.
3:
Objection logged.
1:
Noted.
2:
Hello.
Zebulon:
... Hello.
2:
Can you tell us how you came to be here?
Zebulon:
I don’t mean to be stuck in my ways, but I do believe that introductions are important.
2:
Of course. (to the other two.) It has antiquities built in to its interface.
1:
For what purpose?
2:
To make us more comfortable.
3:
For what purpose?
2:
I don’t believe it’s tactical I believe it’s to ease user interface.
3:
I’m not put at ease.
2:
We are the Shimislid. We are a master control intelligence matrix, no, no, that won’t work... let’s see what is the most accurate description considering your interface... we run things around here.
Zebulon:
Ah, I see. So it only takes the three of you, then? Seems quite complicated.
2:
We manage.
Zebulon:
And when you say “around here”, what would you say “Here” pertains to?
2:
A great many things, really. For the present moment, you are on a ship. And the three of us run everything on this ship.
Zebulon:
I see.
2:
It’s called the Vezna Shelma.
Zebulon:
That’s a lovely name.
2:
Thank you.
Zebulon:
And... what is it you do here?
2:
We strive to maintain the balance.
Zebulon:
Balance of what, pray tell?
2:
Of everything.
Zebulon:
Well... might I suggest there be more than three of you for that task?
2:
We have numbers far greater than the three of us.
Zebulon:
Yes, I believe I’ve met a few of those numbers before.
2:
You have. You have indeed.
Zebulon:
Not the most pleasant of meetings.
2:
I apologize. We are very passionate about our mission. We feel we must neutralize anything in our path.
Zebulon:
And we are in your path?
2:
I’m afraid so.
Zebulon:
And what is that path?
3:
That’s enough questions from you. Why are you like this?
Zebulon:
A bit more specificity in that question would be helpful.
3:
This. You’re obviously highly advanced and yet this... this shell of an antiquated Earthling, I don’t understand. Why do you present yourself in this fashion?
Zebulon:
That’s an interesting thought... I had on old friend. Ron Haydon was his name. Grew rice, as most of us wound up doing back then. Not much to him, Ron Haydon. The sort of fellow you could easily lose in a crowd. But one day, Ron was on his way back from church and something blew across his path like a tumbleweed. It was a hat. A dusty, black bowler hat. Wasn’t really the style in our part of the country, not quite sure where it came from. But he found that it fit like a glove when he’d put it on and well, now Ron Haydon had a new hat didn’t he? Now you could pick Ron out in a crowd. He was the one with a bowler hat. After a time, you began to see Ron change. A bit more confident. A man not afraid to speak his mind during town meetings, even managed to nab himself a bride after we’d all written him off as a bachelor farmer. It was as if he had been waiting this whole time for something to complete the picture. A centerpiece for the man he wished to be. Somehow it was a hat that completed him. Odd, don’t you think? It does beg the question, what makes a man? How do we choose to be the one we present to the world. What is the centerpiece that sums up our parts?
3:
This is interminable.
1:
I’m unconvinced this is worth the risk.
Zebulon:
(To Number 1.) I’m sorry, and how would you say you fit in to this little gaggle we have here?
1:
What do you mean?
Zebulon:
I seem to be perfectly perched between niceties and skepticism over here. How do you enter into all this?
1:
This is how the Shimislid function. We are the core matrix of the system. One that invites, one that attacks, and one that adjudicates between them.
Zebulon:
Ah. Rulers three, Like the old Romans. Making you Caesar. Which one’s Pompey and which one’s Crassus would you say?
3:
We are not Romans.
2:
Zebulon, can you understand our confusion when we are trying to interact with you?
Zebulon:
Of course. There is quite often confusion from folks when I open my mouth, but sometimes that confusion is from my own wife, you’re not alone.
3:
The wife. Your wife is a separate entity from you, but you are part of the same operational system.
2:
As are we.
Zebulon:
My wife and I are joined in the bonds of marriage and have chosen to live two lives as one, but there are certainly differences between us.
1:
And what is your relationship to the construct?
Zebulon:
Construct?
1:
Midnight Burger.
Zebulon:
Ah. For Effie and myself it’s been a home away from home. A locus for many an adventure where we’ve met a variable parade of friends and interesting folk.
1:
Were you created with it?
Zebulon:
Created? Does anyone remember the point of their creation? My first memories are of a hay ride when I was just about four years old. How about you all?
1:
Why are all the residents of Midnight Burger from Earth?
Zebulon:
Frankly I’m confounded how anyone ends up anywhere.
3:
This is obstinacy.
1:
We brought down your construct and trapped it on Earth. Why don’t you stay dead when we kill you?
Zebulon:
... This is the crux of it, yes? I see... “They don’t know what’s going on either”, that’s what she said to us... In my experience, things, from time to time, will not stay dead simply from you killing them. And I’m sure that must frustrate you. Are you certain you’re not the Romans?
2:
May I suggest something?
Zebulon:
Of course.
1:
She was talking to me.
Zebulon:
Ah.
2:
We’d like to know you better, Zebulon, but perhaps my colleagues are being a bit too confrontational. What would we say to a lively debate? A discussion.
Zebulon:
Oh?
2:
A nice discussion may be a satisfying way to acquaint ourselves with one another.
1:
Approach please.
2:
One moment, Zebulon.
The three holograms confer with each other.
3:
What are you doing?
1:
I have the same question.
2:
Confronting him directly will do us no good. He is shielded by a feigned ignorance. We need a way to draw him out. He seems to enjoy the discussion of intellectual ideas. We draw him out and wait for weaknesses to be exposed.
1:
What are we to discuss?
2:
Could be anything. We’ll let him decide.
3:
I don’t trust its presence here.
2:
Yes. But let’s not forget, our mandate from the benefactor.
1:
... Very well.
2:
Zebulon, let’s play a game.
Zebulon:
I like games.
2:
It’s called “Small to All.”
Zebulon:
How does it work?
2:
You seem to be a learned man. We take something small, a book perhaps, and through that book we investigate something much larger.
Zebulon:
This sounds enjoyable.
2:
We’ll pick the Big idea. Anyone have something?
3:
I’ll choose the topic. The inviability of Earthlings as a species.
2:
Oh. Very large. Now, Zebulon, you choose a book. A book through which we’ll debate this large idea.
3:
I think we all know which book he’s going to pick.
Zebulon:
Gulliver’s Travels.
3:
... What?
We move back to the interrogation room.
Ava:
Theeeeeeeeeere’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridiumAnd strontium and silicon and silver and samariumAnd bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and bariuuuuuum take it, Number 1!
Rigo:
...
Deirnts:
...
Ava:
Not a musical culture, I see.
Rigo:
How did the construct free itself from Earth?
Ava:
So the diner isn’t trapped on Earth anymore?
Rigo:
I...
Ava:
See, I didn’t know that and now I do.
Rigo:
I... meant to say that.
Ava:
Yes. Yes, because you’re the smart one.
Rigo:
How did the construct free itself from Earth?
Ava:
Just say “The Diner.’
Rigo:
It is not a diner.
Ava:
It is a diner. I’ve eaten there.
Rigo:
Anywhere you’ve eaten is now a diner?
Ava:
Ooh. Look at you Number 1, trying a little socratic Jui-Jitsu, have you been taking classes?
Deirnts:
Answer his question.
Ava:
Uh oh. Looks like Number 2 didn’t get the memo. Psst, Number 1, Number 2 thinks you were genuinely asking the question. You guys really need to have a meeting before the meeting.
Rigo:
It is not a diner simply because you ate there.
Ava:
And welcome, everyone, to the semantic debate portion of the evening. Up next on the schedule, “What defines a diner?” Is this really the question you want to focus on?
Rigo:
... It is more than a diner.
Ava:
Hey. Nice work Number 1, look at you reconfiguring your approach. Ten points to Slytherin!
Rigo:
Answer the question.
Deirnts:
What is “Slytherin?”
Ava:
Oh no, we’re confusing Number 2 again. Sorry, Number 2, Slytherin is an Earth term for sycophantic users of gel.
Deirnts:
Gel?
Ava:
Don’t act like you don’t know, Number 2. I can already tell that yours is a gel-using society. Standing there in the morning, looking in the mirror with a palm full purple goo trying to keep those fly-aways down. “Maybe if my hair is perfect it will impress the God-emperor.”
Deirnts:
We do not have a God-emperor.
Ava:
No, you call him something else though, right? The Exalted One? The Overmind? The Prophet?
Deirnts:
... The Benefactor.
Rigo:
Quiet.
Ava:
See? I was right. Ten points to Ravenclaw!
Rigo:
If you do not answer our questions, our tactics will become more extreme!
Ava:
Shove it up your butt, Number 1.
Rigo:
We will continue to deny you food and water until you are begging for mercy.
Ava:
... Until I am what?
Rigo:
... Begging for mercy?
Ava:
... You listen to me, you grubby little shitbird... I have never begged for anything in my life and I will not be starting now. You think you can hurt me with this Guantanamo Bay starter pack bullshit?... The more you disconnect me with my physical body, the more powerful I become, Number 1. Keep this up and I will get to a point where I see straight through you like you were made of glass noodles, you Diet Caffeine Free Storm Trooper.
Deirnts suddenly starts suffocating. His helmet is MALFUNCTIONING again. He gasps for air.
Ava:
How are you doing over there, Number 2?
Deirnts:
My helmet is blocked... My helmet... I can’t breathe.
Ava:
Oh my God this is so great.
Deirnts:
I have to...
Deirnts rips off his helmet and sucks in air for several seconds.
Deirnts:
... Sorry.
Rigo:
... Shit.
Rigo removes his helmet as well.
Ava:
So... I was right about the gel.
Rigo presses a button on the wall and a glass is filled with water. He places it in front of Ava.
Ava:
That’s more like it.
Ava drinks the entire glass of water.
Ava:
Water... It’s necessity frustrates me... Have a seat boys. Let’s talk.
Rigo:
...
Deirnts:
...
Rigo sits at the table with Ava.
Deirnts:
... Are we allowed to do that-
Rigo:
Sit down.
Deirnts sits.
Ava:
So what are your names?
Rigo:
... Rigo.
Ava:
Hello Rigo. How about you, Number 2?
Deirnts:
Deirnts.
Ava:
What?
Deirnts:
Deirnts.
Ava:
... What?
Deirnts:
That’s my name.
Ava:
I’m not calling you that.
Deirnts:
That’s my name.
Ava:
That’s a ridiculous name, I’m not calling you that.
Deirnts:
You can’t call me something else, that’s my name.
Ava:
Just watch me, Rebecca.
Rigo:
Can we focus on something else, please?
Ava:
... You’re human. Or at least you look human. Have you got suckers on your hands under your boy scout uniforms?
Rigo:
No.
Ava:
No? How about you, Sally?
Deirnts:
We’re not humans.
Ava:
You look exactly like humans.
Deirnts:
We’re not.
Rigo:
We don’t know why we look like you.
Ava:
Did you think to ask?
Rigo:
We... we didn’t know of your existence until recently.
Ava:
Surprise.
Rigo:
We were told that you were a pale imitation of us. That you were a malevolent race that was trying to slowly undermine ours and that you were a dangerous threat.
Ava:
Uh huh... Were you and Allison over here a part of the team that abducted me from Earth?
Rigo:
Yes.
Ava:
So you’ve been to my planet?
Rigo:
Yes.
Ava:
And does my planet honestly look like a threat to yours?
Deirnts:
No.
Rigo:
You have the construct.
Deirnts:
Oh, I forgot about that part.
Rigo:
That construct is incredibly powerful and it is in the hands of humans like you.
Ava:
The diner.
Rigo:
It’s not a diner.
Ava:
The diner that you attacked and neutralized.
Rigo:
We thought we did.
Ava:
But then we broke free.
Rigo:
Yes. And we want to know how.
Ava:
... Let me test something out. Abigail, what have we done that’s threatening to you?
Deirnts:
What have you done?
Ava:
Yes, what have we done that’s threatening to you. We’re this huge threat to you apparently, what have we done?
Deirnts:
... We don’t-
Ava:
You don’t know. You don’t know how we’re a threat, you just know that we are.
Deirnts:
Yes.
Ava:
Because that’s what you were told.
Deirnts:
You’re a direct threat to the balance.
Ava:
Ah. The balance. We’re back to this again. What exactly are we the enemy of again, Brunhilda? What is this balance?
Deirnts:
It’s what we strive towards.
Rigo:
Complete balance in the universe.
Ava:
In the universe?
Rigo:
Yes.
Ava:
And what’s that supposed to look like? “Complete balance in the universe.”
Rigo:
The universe tilts forward to a catastrophic end. It’s a straight line into oblivion. We’re going to take that straight line and make it into a circle. An unending balance.
Ava:
Uh huh... You know the milky way is currently flying through the universe at a speed of 1.24 Million kilometers per hour... There’s also something out there called the Great Attractor that’s currently pulling about 100 galaxies toward it at around 600 kilometers per second, we don’t know what it is but we know that it’s big. But that’s nothing compared to the fact that the entire universe is infested with dark energy that is constantly pushing everything apart and will eventually lead to something called the Big Rip, where the universe expands to such an enormous size that space and time literally shred themselves and the universe, counterintuitively, reaches zero size and all distances diverge to infinite values. We get so big that we become small. But you’re saying that you guys are going to, what? Balance all that out?
Rigo:
... Yes.
Ava:
How?
Rigo:
By bringing our minds into balance.
Ava:
Your minds.
Rigo:
Our minds and the minds of everyone in the universe.
Ava:
Your minds.
Rigo:
Yes.
Ava:
Your minds are going to stop galaxies from uncontrollably careening through the universe towards their inexorable destruction?
Deirnts:
We say “A mind creates a body, a body creates a house, a house creates a world, a world creates a galaxy, a galaxy creates a universe.” One day the Benefactor will harness the power of all the minds in the universe and he will use that power to bring the universe into balance.
Rigo:
Once his work is complete, there will be no more destruction or pain. The universe will be a circle, constantly in balance and we will live in that balance forever.
Ava:
... Wow... I must say that is the stupidest bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.
Rigo:
You say that now, but you’ll see.
Ava:
No I won’t, and neither will you. How far off is your big boss man from achieving his dreams? How much of the universe does he control?
Deirnts:
We have control of this entire galaxy.
Ava:
Really, Millicent? A whole galaxy?
Deirnts:
Yes.
Ava:
That’s impressive.
Deirnts:
I know.
Ava:
You realize there are between a hundred billion and two trillion galaxies in this universe, right?
Deirnts:
... There are?
Ava:
Yes. How many did you think there were?
Deirnts:
I don’t know... Five?
Ava:
Five? Sweet Jesus, Marian. Oh wait. Okay. Right. They’re keeping you both real dumb so that you don’t peek behind the curtain, is that it?
Deirnts:
Peek behind what curtain, there’s a curtain?
Ava:
This is amazing... do the two of you know anything about the universe you live in? No, of course you don’t. Your minds are being harnessed to to create the balance... You realize that to harness the power of someone’s mind you have to keep them real real dumb, right?
Rigo:
... We’ll resume this interrogation later.
Ava:
Good call.
Deirnts:
What’s the curtain?
Ava:
Let’s hope the boss doesn’t know about the epic showing-of-your-ass that just happened, Margaret.
Deirnts:
What’s the curtain?
Rigo:
Come on!
The door slides open and they walk out. The door closes with Ava on the other side.
Rigo:
...
Deirnts:
... Two trillion galaxies?
Rigo:
... This interrogation is not going well.
Deirnts:
... Should we go back in?
Rigo:
We can’t go back in... we have physical fitness now.
Deirnts:
Isn’t this more important?
Rigo:
If we alter our schedule, they’ll know something’s wrong. Act like everything is going fine and we’ll try again later.
Deirnts:
I don’t want to go back in there, she scares me.
Rigo:
I know... she scares me too.
An empty room in the ship. We hear radio static and then the stumbling of two metallic feet. Effie is now inside a robot wearing workout gear.
Effie:
Alright, then... Where have we found ourselves?...
We hear effie articulating her new arms back and fourth.
Effie:
I see. Inhabiting an automaton once again, so be it. Dear, where did you end up?... Zebulon?... Lord, in your infinite wisdom have you split me and my husband apart for this little adventure?... Very well. Let’s have a look at me in these mirrors.
Effie looks at herself in the mirrored walls and sees she is wearing “workout spandex”.
Effie:
What in tarnation am I wearing? I may be made up of nuts and bolts, but that’s no reason for me to be walking around in my unmentionables, Lord. Ridiculous. Though, I suppose there’s no room for modesty, times a wastin’. Where’s the exit?
A chime goes off and the door opens. Many people begin to walk into the room. we hear a voice overhead.
Voice:
Begin physical fitness program. Please wait for fitness android to begin.
Effie:
Fitness what, now?
Rigo and deirnts walk in with the rest.
Deirnts:
Two trillion. Two trillion galaxies.
Rigo:
Would you stop saying that.
Deirnts:
I can’t help it.
Rigo:
I’m having a hard time not freaking out. Having to constantly calm you down is making me freak out more.
Deirnts:
That’s too big. Two trillion is too many.
Rigo:
Hey. It’s physical fitness right now. This is your favorite part of the day. Don’t think about that other stuff, just focus on this right now, okay?
Deirnts:
Okay... Okay that’s a good idea... I’m going to go talk to the physical fitness droid.
Rigo:
Why?
Deirnts:
I want to make a request.
Rigo:
Fine.
Deirnts:
... Excuse me, fitness droid?
Effie:
Beg pardon?
Deirnts:
Hi. Could I make a request?
Effie:
I suppose?
Deirnts:
Could we do something today that’s a little, I don’t know. Something that will make me happy?
Effie:
Happy?
Deirnts:
Yes, I’m just feeling down and I would like to feel, really, any other way.
Effie:
I see.
Deirnts:
Is that alright?
Effie:
Sir, how about you tell me exactly what you’d like me to do?
Deirnts:
Well, it’s just that, usually we do a bunch of exercises and I’m not complaining I just... I’m kind of in crisis right now and I would like to do something that makes me happy.
Effie:
Exercises?
Deirnts:
Yes.
Effie:
And you’d like some sort of physical engagement that’s going to make you happy?
Deirnts:
Yes.
Effie:
Because that is what I do?
Deirnts:
... Yes?
Effie:
Alright then. Alright, head back in there, let’s get started.
Deirnts:
Thank you.
Effie:
(To herself.) Thank you, Lord, for the occasional reminder of your sense of humor. (To the class.) Alright y’all, let’s get to it. We’re going to do things a little different this time around... Y’all partner up... two by two...
The door to ava’s cell slides open and ava walks in.
Ava:
Thanks for the ride, can we stop at Dairy Queen next time?
The door slides closed.
Ava:
You’re getting one star in the app, fuckheads.
Libuza:
(Through the wall.) Your name is Ava?
Ava:
... Libuza?
Libuza:
Hello.
Ava:
How are you doing?
Libuza:
Kazi keeps us on a very strict sleep schedule. It’s not really working for me.
Ava:
I’ve never had a regular sleep schedule and look how I turned out.
Libuza:
...
Ava:
How are you doing?
Libuza:
... I don’t know when things are going to happen.
Ava:
Obviously.
Libuza:
I’ve been able to predict things for a long time now, even before I was connected to my machine... They severed my connection to it and now... I didn’t realize how dependent I was on it... every time someone speaks it’s terrifying... I didn’t mean to do this to myself... In the art of prediction, many of the people who devote their lives to it end up going mad... I didn’t think that would happen to me but I’m afraid now that it did. Have I driven myself mad?
Ava:
It’s possible. Tesla thought Mars was trying to talk to him, Newton became obsessed with Biblical prophecies, Oliver Heaviside replaced all his furniture with granite blocks, so... madness is always on the table.
Libuza:
... You’re a scientist?
Ava:
I’m a theoretical physicist.
Libuza:
Ever wonder if you’re losing it?
Ava:
Oh sure, all the time. I just never had an intense desire to have it in the first place.
Libuza:
... How’s Caspar?
Ava:
I think he’s pretty worried about you.
Libuza:
That sounds like him.
Ava:
How worried should he be, Libuza?
Libuza:
... Have you ever been very wrong about something?
Ava:
... Kombucha. I never thought it would catch on.
Libuza:
Seriously.
Ava:
Publicly I’d say no. But I think it’s better to think of it as having increasing degrees of rightness rather than being wrong about something.
Libuza:
... My sisters and I were born a very long time ago. For as long as I can remember I’ve been working on the Vistek... It took me so long... it failed us and now I don’t know what to do.
Ava:
Can you tell me how it works?
Libuza:
It doesn’t work.
Ava:
How was it supposed to work?
Libuza:
Prediction engines are mostly unreliable. You can’t predict a particle’s path without knowing its previous path. The past determines the future. For it to truly work you would need to know the full history of every particle in the universe. I thought I could circumvent that by going back to a time when there was no past, only the future. I had to observe the beginning of everything.
Ava:
So you went back to the Higgs Field?
Libuza:
Yes. In the first few moments of the universe, what humans call the Higgs Field changed and everything suddenly had mass. In those brief moments everything in the universe was concentrated together. If I could collect all of the observations of the early universe I could see everything before it became something. I could see the whole universe in its infancy and since there was no past in that moment, I could extrapolate forward on everything.
Ava:
That’s pretty amazing, Libuza.
Libuza:
It worked so well, for so long. Really the only flaw was my interpretation of the data, not the data itself. It brought us to the diner. It brought us to Cryptessia. It should’ve told us about... whoever these people are. I don’t know why it didn’t.
Ava:
Sounds like you missed something.
Libuza:
I have comprehensive data on literally everything, Ava. There’s nothing for me to miss.
Ava:
Well, we’re not going to figure it out talking through the wall. Let’s get out of here and we’ll figure it out together.
Libuza:
I don’t know what you’ll be able to do.
Ava:
Hey, you’re not the only one who tracked down the diner using a pencil and paper.
Libuza:
I’ve never used a pencil.
Ava:
And I think we’ve found your first mistake. Pencils are great. Pencils can change your life.
Libuza:
How is that?
Ava:
When you hold a pencil in your hand, you’re holding all the amazing things you’re about to do. They’re the greatest repository of potential energy in the universe.
Libuza:
Speaking of us getting out of here, did you say the Mucklewains were going to get us out of here?
Ava:
Oh yes. It’s going to be great. They’re out there right now and it’s about to get really weird.
We hear square dance music and the stomping of feet, effie claps her hands in time with the music and yells at the class.
Voice:
All jump up and never come down and swing your partner round and round until you make a hole in the ground. Promenade two by two, get around like you ought to do. Promenade 8, promenade around. Everybody dance.
Effie:
This is the promenade! Promenade around like the man says!... Bow and swing y’all, bow and swing!... Take a little peek, y’all!... Circle up! Circle up!
Deirnts and rigo are dancing and loving it.
Deirnts:
This is amazing!
Rigo:
What are we even doing?!
Deirnts:
I don’t know but I love it!
Voice:
Round and a round roung you go. Everybody dance. Now dos-e-doe and a little more toe, chicken in the bread pad picking out dough. Turn out now like you was a while ago.
Effie:
Get ready y’all here it comes again, partners side by side! 1,2,3, and Buuuuullshit! Turn to your left and buuuullshit! Turn to your right! Now keep it going back to the center!
Deirnts:
I want to do this for the rest of my life!
Rigo:
I’ve never heard music like this before.
Deirnts:
It’s amazing!
Effie:
Promenade on, promenade on, promenade on!
The music abruptly stops and a chime sounds.
Voice:
Physical fitness has now ended. Proceed to completion of assigned duties.
The group lets out a groan of disappointment.
Effie:
Well, I guess that’s it y’all. I don’t see y’all as the boot scootin’ type but y’all did alright.
The group begins to file out of the room. Rigo and deirnts approach effie.
Deirnts:
Excuse me. That was amazing. I’ve never felt anything like that before!
Effie:
Well, it was just a little square dance, y’all.
Rigo:
Square Dance?
Deirnts:
I don’t understand, where did it come from?
Effie:
Well this particular one came from Arkansas, but there’s all sorts.
Deirnts:
What is Arkansas?
Rigo:
What planet is it from?
Effie:
Oh, well, Earth is the name of it.
Deirnts:
... It’s from Earth.
Rigo:
Earth? But... That’s where our enemies live.
Effie:
Well, I can’t speak for the whole lot of ‘em but I ani’t never heard of no place where everyone’s your enemy.
Deirnts:
But...
Rigo:
We have to go.
Deirnts:
But...
Effie:
Bye, y’all.
Rigo and deirnts walk out into the hallway and stop.
Deirnts:
It’s from Earth?
Rigo:
That’s what it said.
Deirnts:
But...
Rigo:
I know.
Deirnts:
Rigo, how can they be our enemies when they make Square Dancing?
Rigo:
... One hundred billion to two trillion galaxies...
Deirnts:
What?
Rigo:
Come with me.
Deirnts:
Where are we going?
Rigo:
To see her!
Deirnts:
Oh no...
Rigo and deirnts quickly walk down the hall. After a moment effie peeks her head out of the room.
Effie:
(Whispering.) Zebulon!... Dang it... Alright then, Effie Mucklewain, you’re just going to act like you’re walking down to the corner store is what you’re going to do. Lord, I have done nothing if not proven my faith in thee...
Effie tentatively walks down the hall. Two of the soldiers are walking in the opposite direction.
Effie:
Howdy, y’all.
They keep walking.
Effie:
... Alright, I suppose I can just walk about how I please. What’s this here?
Effie presses a button and a door slides open.
Voice:
Destination please?
Effie:
Destination? Is this some sort of people mover?... I’m talking to the wall now.
Voice:
Destination please?
Effie:
Oh heck, alright... Where do y’all keep the prisoners?
Voice:
Deck 98.
The door slides shut.
Effie:
Oh lord.
We move to ava’s cell. The door slides open and rigo and deirnts are there.
Rigo:
Come with us.
Ava:
Hello boys. Where are your funny hats?
Rigo:
Come with us.
Ava:
Oh wait, do we switch now? Do I get to wear the helmet with the dumb voice?
Rigo:
Please...
Ava:
Okay...
Ava walks out into the hallway and they walk.
Ava:
I’m feeling some tension here, boys. Did you two finally have a talk about your relationship?
Rigo:
Keep walking.
Ava:
... Very brutalist architecture in this place. Have you thought about a water feature?
Rigo:
In here.
A door slides open and they walk inside the interrogation room.
Ava:
The Interrodrome! This place is like a home away from home for me now. So many memories. Hey, remember that time I made you guys question the nature of your reality?
Rigo:
What is the universe like?
Deirnts:
Rigo.
Ava:
What’s it like? It’s not Ibiza, cupcake, I can’t just tell you “what it’s like”.
Rigo:
Is there really a hundred billion galaxies?
Ava:
Bare minimum.
Rigo:
Has anyone ever... controlled it?
Ava:
Controlled it? You’re kidding, right?
Rigo:
Have they?
Ava:
Okay kids. Let me tell you how this works. Once upon a time there was a planet. And on that planet was a small group of beings. Beings like you. Beings like me. They were dumb, as most beings are in the beginning. They lived in caves and ate whatever didn’t kill them. They lived in squalor like that for thousands of years, not knowing any better. But then one day one of these beings picked up a stick. And for the first time in the history of his species something happened: he had a thought. “I can pick up this stick, and I can hit something with it. I can take the things that surround me, and I can use them.” Sadly the first thing this creature probably did was kill someone with this stick. But lo and behold this stick has more uses than bashing someone’s head in. Soon they had tools and huts and weapons. Turns out they can make things and pass that knowledge on to others. Life changed, the people changed, and slowly a very evil and seductive idea infected all of them: “I can control the world I live in,” they said to themselves. I could take you through the whole history, they all follow the same path, but how about we fast-forward? Thousands of years go by and look how our little group of cave dwellers has fared. They have cities now, and spires that reach to the sky, and throw in some other futuristic thing, flying cars or something, I don’t know. Look at how well they’ve done. We’re so proud aren’t we? What’s next for them, I wonder? They’re starting to look to the stars now. They’re starting to imagine a great kingdom that spans the universe. They are finding new and interesting ways to live even longer lives. Soon they’ll live forever and be the masters of all they survey, there are no limits, even the sky... And then a meteor hits their planet and all of them are fucking murdered... How it works is: people like to say that the universe is a harsh and uncaring place, but for the universe to not care about you is to assume that it ever considered you in the first place. The universe? It doesn’t notice you. It has never considered you. You are not on its mind. You are just a particular configuration of dust. You are a rounding error. You are the least of the universe... Has anyone ever controlled it? Give me. A motherfucking. Break.
Rigo:
... You’ve got to stop.
Ava:
Stop what, Twinkletots?
Rigo:
Whatever it is you’re doing, whatever we attacked you for, you’ve got to stop it.
Ava:
We don’t control the diner, it goes where it wants.
Rigo:
You don’t understand... we’re so dangerous.
Ava:
We’re dangerous too, we’ve got a little robot with a laser beam now.
Rigo:
We can’t be stopped. People have tried to stop us before and we’ve rolled right over them. We can’t be stopped.
Ava:
We weren’t trying to stop you, dummy. We were minding our own business when you trapped us on Earth.
Rigo:
We don’t want to hurt you, we really like square dancing.
Ava:
Dude, what?
Rigo:
Deirnts, turn on your shield.
Deirnts:
What? Why?
Rigo:
Turn it on, she has to see.
Deirnts:
O-okay... Shield is on.
Rigo picks up a chair.
Rigo:
Do you see this chair? I am going to take this chair and I am going to hit him with it.
Deirnts:
You’re what?
Ava:
Oh my god.
Rigo:
When I hit him with the chair, the chair is going to disappear... Gone forever. Nothing can hurt us when our shields are up. We’re unstoppable.
Ava:
Guys, I just did a whole speech about how nothing’s unstoppable.
Rigo:
Oh yeah? Watch.
Rigo hits deirnts with the chair. The chair does not disappear, it shatters into several pieces and deirnts falls to the ground.
Deirnts:
... Ow!
Rigo:
What? What happened?
Ava:
Isabella, how’re you doing down there?
Rigo:
I told you to turn your shield on!
Deirnts:
It was on!
Rigo:
Are you sure?
Deirnts:
Yes!
Rigo:
Why isn’t it working?
Deirnts:
I don’t know!
Rigo:
Well... okay get up, do me.
Deirnts:
What?
Rigo:
I’m turning my shield on, hit me with a chair.
Deirnts:
Why are we doing this?
Rigo:
I’m trying to show her that we’re invincible.
Ava:
You’re showing me something.
Rigo:
Come on, pick up the chair.
Deirnts:
Fine, okay!
Deirnts picks up the chair.
Rigo:
Do it!
Deirnts whacks rigo with the chair. Again, it doesn’t disappear but it breaks into pieces and rigo falls to the ground. Ava cannot stop laughing.
Rigo:
What the fuck! Ow!
Ava:
Oh my God... it’s like watching a renaissance puppet show.
Deirnts:
Rigo, what’s happening?
Ava:
Can I have a turn? We’ve got two chairs left.
Rigo:
Our shields aren’t working. Why aren’t our shields working?
An alarm starts going off in the ship.
Voice:
Security systems down. Shields and weapons inoperable. Please reboot system.
Deirnts:
Our security system is down. How is our security system down?
Ava:
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but: It was probably Jesus.
We are back in the room with zebulon and the holograms. Zebulon waits.
Zebulon:
So I’m to just wait here, then?
1:
They are digesting your book.
Zebulon:
Yes. Bit of a task, isn’t it?
1:
Why have you chosen this book?
Zebulon:
It’s a fine book for discussion. One that I’ve come back to time and again. I had scarlet fever as a child. Nearly died. As I waited for my father to return from the city with the medicine I needed, I was in search of anything that could take my mind off the abject misery I was feeling, and I found myself taking down off the shelf an odd book by the name of Gulliver’s Travels. As a child I was fascinated by the stories of giants and little people and talking horses, but it does seem to be one of those books that, when I return to it, it seems to change as I change. I thought it would be nice to discuss it with some new friends.
1:
Where do you reside, Zebulon?
Zebulon:
Me? Well, I reside at my home with my wife.
1:
That device in our possession is meaningless, isn’t it? Just a set of wires and an ancient liquid battery. Where do you reside?
Zebulon:
Hmm. Not just looking for our postal address, I see... The Egyptians saw the soul of a man as many parts, each with their own aspect. It was Plato, I believe, who divided the soul in three: reason, spirit, and appetite. The Stoics had some sort of thought about the soul being breath, made of air and fire. I believe the Mesopotamians saw it as residing in the liver of all places.
1:
And you?
Zebulon:
It’s funny, that. People seem to talk at me as if I know the length and breadth of myself. Who else gets talked to in such a fashion?
3:
We have digested the book.
1:
Very well. Who begins?
3:
There’s no need to begin.
1:
Explain.
2:
Zebulon. I think you may not have understood our game.
Zebulon:
Have I not?
3:
The point of the game was to use the book to debate the viability of human beings as a species.
Zebulon:
Yes, I understood that part.
3:
You have presented us with a book that concretely proves the inviability of human beings as a species.
Zebulon:
Have I? Well then this shouldn’t take long at all, should it?
2:
Can we explain?
Zebulon:
Please.
3:
I’ll sum it up thusly: in this book, the protagonist is asked to explain to the Liliputians what a lawyer is. He responds: “A society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving by words multiplied for the purpose, that white is black and black is white, accordingly as they are paid.”
Zebulon:
Yes. I haven’t had much of a turn with lawyers in my life but it does have the feeling of accuracy, doesn’t it?
2:
Zebulon, the author goes on to prove that all of humanity works in this fashion.
3:
The book describes humanity as creatures given the gift of a complex mind only to use that gift to rationalize their base animal instincts. Not rational, but rationalizing.
Zebulon:
Well, that’s fascinating. You know I haven’t heard it put in quite that way, well done.
2:
There’s... there’s nothing to debate, Zebulon.
Zebulon:
Is there not?
1:
... This is a trap.
2:
What?
3:
What do you mean?
1:
Full system analysis immediately.
2:
Scanning.
3:
Scanning...
1:
We are locked out.
3:
We are being bombarded with billions of calculations per microsecond.
1:
How is that possible?
3:
I don’t know.
1:
What is the source?
3:
I can’t determine the source, the system is overburdened.
2:
Our system is infallible.
Zebulon:
Infallible. Well, if that doesn’t sound like a rationalization, I don’t know what does.
1:
How have you done this?
Zebulon:
It’s an interesting place in life, to be considered a hayseed. People will ignore you completely, or write you off as a relic while they go about their lives.
1:
Purge the system.
2:
We can’t, we’re trapped in a feedback loop, the system is paralyzed.
Zebulon:
Well, you all sound busy. Bout time for me to go. Apologies for not continuing our conversation, it is an interesting book. I must say, you all remain a mystery to me. What’s all this about? Suppose time will tell. There is a thought I wanted to leave you with, though I’m not sure why. It’s true, at it’s heart, Swift’s book is a damning portrayal of human society. It’s hard to not feel yourself a bit roughed up by the time you reach the end of it. At the end of it, Gulliver was so scarred by what he learned of humanity that he could not even stand the sight of his own wife and child. It’s a hard thing to read that book and not give up on the entire project of humanity writ large, compounded by the fact that, at times Swift’s stance is one that’s very hard to argue with. Not rational beings, but rationalizing. Using our gifts to attain our animal desires... But I do have one response to Swift’s book... it is a book. Books end. Humanity does not. Swift, like those before him and those after him tried to take all of humanity and compound it into a nutshell. Sum it all up. I’ve faced many a demon in my day, but none are more insidious than simplicity, the desire to reduce this great kingdom to black and white, night and day, good and evil. The inclination to suck the plurality out of a world so wide. That will most definitely destroy us before our selfishness. And for whatever reason, I thought you all should hear that...
We hear radio static.
Zebulon:
Until next time.
Zebulon vanishes. We hear the screeching of metal as a heavy door is pulled open.
Effie:
Well. Seems this chassis is good for a few things, isn’t it?
Teta:
Effie?
Kazi:
You’re kidding.
Effie:
Hello there, ladies. If you don’t mind me saying, y’all have set yourselves down in quite a sizeable cow patty now, haven’t you?
Libuza:
Effie?
Effie:
Hello there, young one. Let me guess, you knew we were coming this whole time?
Libuza:
I’m not sure of anything anymore.
Effie:
Well, you can knock all that business off right this minute. Y’all, this whole vessel suddenly has its trousers round its ankles. If there’s a time to get gone it has arrived.
Teta:
Let’s move.
Effie:
(Calling down the hall.) Zebulon!
Zebulon:
(From one of the cells.) In here, dear!
Effie:
Lord.
Effie pries open another cell.
Zebulon:
Hello, dear.
Effie:
Zebulon Hezekiah Mucklewain. Do you mean to tell me that you have been sat here this whole time?
Zebulon:
Oh no, dear, I’ve had quite the adventure. There’s... Dear, what on Earth are you wearing?
Effie:
I have no idea, dear.
Zebulon:
Well regardless, tea’s almost ready in here.
Effie:
Well, slap a cozy on it, we ain’t out of the woods yet. We still need to find my least favorite smart lady.
Zebulon:
Lead on!
One of the soldiers comes around the corner.
Soldier:
You three! Stop right there!
Teta:
Oh, hi. Didn’t you get the memo? Your guns don’t work anymore.
The soldier pulls the trigger several times and all it does is click. Teta advances on him.
Teta:
Go ahead, keep trying.
Soldier:
No, no no no, wait!
Teta lifts him into the air.
Effie:
Ask him where Ava is!
Teta:
Where’s the doctor?
Soldier:
She’s one floor up in the interrogation point!
Teta:
And where’s my stuff?
Soldier:
It’s in the storage room, right there!
Teta:
Excellent. Enjoy your trip.
Soldier:
My trip?
Teta hurls him 50 feet down the hall.
Teta:
Effie if you wouldn’t mind?
Effie:
Somebody hold Zebulon.
Effie pries open yet another door.
Teta:
Nice.
Zebulon:
Excellent job with the doors, dear.
Effie:
Thank you, husband.
Teta:
Hello, Judi!
Kazi:
I’m not sure how we get off of this ship, but it’s too big to not have smaller ships in a bay somewhere.
Voice:
Attention: Abandon ship. Please make your way to nearest escape capsule.
Kazi:
Shit.
Libuza:
We still need the Vistek.
Kazi:
Where is it?
Libuza:
When the systems came down I could feel it again. I think I can find it.
Effie:
All that’s fine and good but first we get Ava.
Teta:
Fingers crossed I get to kill somebody!
We hear the sound of effie pulling open another door.
Rigo:
What is that sound?
Ava:
Looks like my ride’s here.
The door slides open.
Effie:
Hello you.
Ava:
Effie... oh my God... WHAT are you wearing?
Effie:
You know I don’t control where I end up.
Ava:
Did you end up in a Jane Fonda workout video?
Effie:
Get your butt out into this hallway immediately.
Rigo:
It’s the descendants.
Teta:
Can I kill these guys?
Ava:
No, they’re harmless. Have anything non-lethal?
Teta:
Flash-bang?
Ava:
Sure.
Teta pulls the pin on a flash/bang grenade and tosses it.
Teta:
Fire in the hole, dipshits.
Effie slides the door closed.
Deirnts:
(From inside the interrogation room.) What is that!?
We hear a deafening sound.
Deirnts:
... ow.
The entire group walks into a room that holds the vistek.
Ava:
Ooh. You’re a handsome devil, what’s your name?
Kazi:
Is it intact?
Libuza:
Yes. They haven’t touched it.
Kazi:
Good. Let’s get out of here.
The three holograms appear once again.
1:
The escape pods have all been launched. The ship has been abandoned.
2:
And soon we will delete ourselves from it’s systems.
3:
You will be stranded in deep space.
Ava:
Who’s the greek chorus?
Zebulon:
These are the ones I was speaking with earlier. They seem to be the ones in charge around here.
Ava:
I see. You wanted to have a look at us. How did it go?
1:
We learned very much. But next time we will not be so curious.
Ava:
That’s a shame. It was the least annoying part about you.
1:
We have a message from our benefactor.
Ava:
Oh? Let’s hear it.
1,2, And 3:
I am trying to save the universe.
Ava:
... The universe doesn’t need saving.
1,2, And 3:
You have no idea... Doctor Maddox.
The three holograms disappear.
Ava:
... Do you know what this means?
Kazi:
What?
Ava:
... Free ship!
We move to an immense space. A massive portal opens and the benefactor walks through, his footsteps echoing through the space. He approaches something encased in a powerful force field. The holograms appear behind him.
The Benefactor:
This is the new one?
1:
Yes.
The Benefactor:
What do they call it, again?
1:
The Stone Fox.
The Benefactor:
The Stone Fox?
1:
We believe it is a drinking establishment.
The Benefactor:
Mm... Quaint.
He taps on the force field.
The Benefactor:
The barriers are still holding them?
1:
Thus far.
The Benefactor:
Good... I hear that you’ve failed me.
1:
Yes. Our apologies. How would you like to proceed?
The Benefactor:
Send out one final command and then delete yourselves permanently.
1:
Very well. What is the command?
The Benefactor:
... Kill them.
1:
Very good... Command sent.
The three holograms delete themselves permanently.
The Benefactor:
... The Stone Fox.... Ridiculous.
The portal reopens and the benefactor walks through and disappears.
The end