Midnight Burger
Chapter 36: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
The roof of the diner. Several blocks away we can hear the Mungo lumbering through the streets of Pasadena. Occasionally one of Leif’s drones flies by.
Gloria:
Hey.
David:
Hey.
Gloria:
How are things up here?
David:
... The huge monster has moved into downtown Pasadena and is eating the tops of all the palm trees.
Gloria:
Yeah. They eat all day, that’s all they really do.
David:
Probably for the best. Palm trees aren’t native to this area anyway.
Gloria:
Really?
David:
They planted most of them in the 1930s. It was a jobs program during the great depression.
Gloria:
That’s interesting.
David:
... There’s a lot of things not native to the area around here.
Gloria:
... Yeah... David, what was he supposed to say?
David:
I don’t know, what do you usually say to people?
Gloria:
We try and keep a low profile as long as we can, but then eventually things get so weird that we have to let the cat out of the bag... just like Caspar did with you.
David:
... What is all this stuff?
Gloria:
Leif lives up here. He sleeps in that hammock and this is his workshop. He calls it the command center.
David:
What does he do with all this?
Gloria:
I’ve seen him do some pretty amazing stuff, actually. See this here? This is a, let me see if I get this right, a laser interferometer. You use it to detect gravity waves. They have them here on Earth but on Earth they’re about four kilometers long. Leif’s is the size of a toaster.
David:
Why would you need to detect gravity waves?
Gloria:
Um. We were trying to track down an out of control space goddess.
David:
... Uh huh... Why?
Gloria:
I’m not sure why they needed it. Ava tells him to build something and he builds it.
David:
I mean, what’s he doing here? What are any of you doing here?
Gloria:
The same thing as anyone else, David, we’re doing the best we can.
David:
You left everyone in your life behind.
Gloria:
... It was different with each of us. Leif was on the run, Ava was on a mission. For me, my parents were gone, the only real friends I had were Cesar and his family, but, I was kind of the weird lady who came over to the house every once and a while. The kids would show you how their video games worked, the tiny ones would want you to read a story. It was nice but you’re on the outside of it. Kind of a third wheel. All my other friends... I started to not understand them when they talked. They would talk about dating apps, and getting married, and moving up in their career at, I don’t know, a shipping warehouse?... It was all getting really foreign to me really fast... And then there was this place... I’ll admit, I thought I was just going to see some cool stuff and meet some aliens... But I’ve had to fight an evil empire and slay a space goddess among other things... But, somehow that’s not foreign to me. I understand it...
David:
How could that not be foreign to you?
Gloria:
Inside you right now there is the purest part of you, the essence of who you are. When you’re in touch with that part of you, when you’re using it, you can feel it. I hadn’t felt that before. I think if you’re lucky enough to feel that, you should stick with it, no matter what... But your dad... your dad just came in to use the phone.
David:
... How do you know what this gigantic monster is?
Gloria:
Well, it’s not a monster, David, it’s just a really really big guy. They’re harmless for the most part but if they get injured they can get a little rambunctious. When we first saw one, there was a village nearby and one of them had a wound on its back so we had to help out before it trampled the village.
David:
Help out how?
Gloria:
We managed to get up on it’s back and we put honey on the wound.
David:
Honey?
Gloria:
It’s nature’s antiseptic, David.
David:
Jesus fucking Christ.
Gloria:
It was a light day, I cooked for the whole village afterwards... It was kind of normal. Just a wounded animal. See, it’s not that bizarre.
We hear the sound of rushing water down below.
David:
What is happening down on the street?
Gloria:
Um... okay, it looks like the street has become a river?
David:
A river.
Gloria:
Yes.
David:
Why?
Gloria:
(Calling down below.) Is the street a river?
Ava:
(In the parking lot.) The street is a river.
Gloria:
Okay. The street is a river.
David:
Why is the street a river?
Gloria:
This is a new thing. Ava’s theory is that, because we’ve been stuck like this for several months that this particular universe is having a little temper tantrum.
David:
What is happening!?
Gloria:
I know.
David:
The street is a river, Gloria!
Gloria:
Yes.
David:
There’s a four-story monster threatening the Pasadena Playhouse!
Gloria:
This is good, let it out.
David:
In the span of fifteen minutes the whole damn world has gone on tilt!
Gloria:
Right.
David:
And the government’s here!?
Gloria:
It happens sometimes.
David:
And Leif has a robot helper?!
Gloria:
Peter.
David:
I don’t care what its name is!
Gloria:
Okay.
David:
What the fuck?!
Gloria:
I know...
David:
...
Gloria:
... Okay... Take your time. Don’t freak out. I mean, freak out. That’s fine, but... What’s the real thing that’s going on? The real thing is... something happened to your dad. And ever since then he’s been doing the best he can. Sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. That’s all he was trying to do with you... Just stay up here, okay? Right now I have to go downstairs and somehow prevent a war between Leif and the United States Government.
Down in the parking lot. A river is rushing by causing chaos among the team of government agents surrounding the building.
Leif:
Agent Parrino, how’re you doing over there? Looks like the street is a river now, did you bring your trunks?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What the fuck is this Leif? Where is this water coming from and what the fuck is that monster?
Leif:
Hey, easy with the “M” word there, buddy. The Mungo isn’t a monster, it’s just a plant eating megafauna going about its day. I’m sure you look like a monster to it.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh, really?!
Leif:
No, not really. In fact it probably doesn’t notice you at all.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I don’t know what all this is, Leif, but I know you’ve got something to do with it!
Leif:
Hey, I’m an impressive guy, but I can’t suddenly make a river appear.
Caspar:
Actually, uh-
Leif:
Right, okay, yes, I did do that once, I did flood a city to rob a bank but that was a long time ago, I don’t do that sort of thing anymore.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What?
Gloria:
Leif.
Leif:
Hey.
Gloria:
A word.
Leif:
What’s up?
Gloria:
“What’s up?”
Leif:
... Look, I didn’t have a choice.
Gloria:
Leif, considering our current situation, maybe just giving him the robot would’ve been the best choice.
Leif:
I’m not giving him the robot.
Gloria:
You can make another robot.
Leif:
Do you have any idea what they were going to use him for?
Gloria:
Leif, the last time we faced off with the government we had the benefit of knowing we’d be gone in twelve hours. We don’t have that benefit anymore.
Leif:
I can get us out of this.
Gloria:
How?
Leif:
I don’t know, I just need some time.
Gloria:
Leif, the world is literally unravelling and you’ve decided to add “grudge match with the US government” to the top of the sundae.
Leif:
Hey, at least you’re not arguing with food vendors anymore.
Caspar:
Gloria. How’s he doing?
Gloria:
He’s doing okay. He’s freaked out. He’s not sure what to make of most of it.
Caspar:
Okay, but he’s not going catatonic or anything?
Gloria:
No. I think he just needs some space.
Effie:
Gloria, put us in his vicinity, I want to talk at him for a bit.
Gloria:
Some space, Mucklewains.
Ava:
The river’s gone.
Gloria:
Ava, how much worse is this going to get?
Ava:
I don’t know, I’m trying to see if it’s on a schedule.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Your attempt to wash us away didn’t work, Leif. We’re still here!
Leif:
I’m not doing anything, Agent Jackass.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Yeah, right, you really expect me to believe that?
Leif:
I don’t care what you believe.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
We’re still doing this the easy way, Leif. You want me to bring out the big guns? It’s all fun and games until we bring out the vomit cannon.
Leif:
Go fuck yourself.
Caspar:
Vomit cannon?
Leif:
They’ve got a cannon that can induce vomiting in a large group of people.
Caspar:
Why would someone make that?
Leif:
I don’t know, hey, Agent Patrick Bateman, why would someone make a vomit cannon? Could it be because your entire agency is full of kids who couldn’t stop torturing their action figures?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
This phone right here, Leif. I make one call and everyone’s going to start barfing like the fountain at the goddamn Bellagio!
Leif:
Mucklewains.
Static. Effie zaps herself into Agent Parrino’s phone.
Effie:
(Talking through Agent Parrino’s phone.) Oh? Is that right? Are you talking about this particular telephonic whizz-bang?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What the fuck?
Effie:
You poked a bear, Mr. US Government!
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
OW!
Agent parrino drops his phone. Static. Effie is back in the radio.
Zebulon:
You’re getting very good at that, Dear.
Effie:
Thanks, husband, I think I set his phone on fire.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Why is my phone on fire, Leif?
Leif:
You were ankle deep in a river a second ago, you’re asking about your phone?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Somebody get me another phone!
Leif:
Do you want to borrow mine?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Very funny.
Leif:
Just step inside the parking lot, I’ll hand it to you.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I’m not going anywhere near you until you call off your flying monkeys.
Leif:
It’s a great phone, though. Nokia 9300.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
No.
Leif:
It’ll erase all your public records as soon as you touch it but it’s a great phone.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh, I see. You think you can out-crazy me? Is that it? You really think you can get weirder than DARPA?
Ava:
4, 3, 2, 1...
A BRAZILIAN Carnival parade begins to careen down the street with people dancing and music playing.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
What the... What the fuck is this?
Leif:
Looks like a Brazilian Carnival Parade. How’s your samba Agent Parrino?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
How the fuck are you doing this?
Leif:
What can I say? The party follows me wherever I go.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Somebody get me a phone!!
Gloria:
That’s how we do it.
Caspar:
How we do what?
Gloria:
Ava, are these things on a regular schedule?
Ava:
Yeah, I think so.
Gloria:
Leif, get over here.
Leif:
C’mon, Agent, move to the music.
Gloria:
Leif!
Leif:
What? What is it?
Gloria:
Ava says the weirdness is on a predictable schedule.
Leif:
Okay.
Gloria:
How can we make it worse?
Ava:
...Worse?
Gloria:
Yes.
Caspar:
Why in the world would we want to make it worse?
Gloria:
Can we make it worse?
Leif:
I mean. I don’t know.
Ava:
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea, but why would we do that?
Caspar:
Yes, why would we do that?
Zebulon:
Oh, I think I know where she’s headed with this one.
Effie:
Do tell.
Zebulon:
Gloria wants to see who can stay on the horse the longest.
Gloria:
That’s right. I don’t know where we end up with all this but I know we need the G-men out there off our back. The only thing we’ve got going for us right now is our ability to tolerate the most bizarre shit imaginable. I want the two of you to figure out a way to crank up the crazy around here. Seriously. Like, make it fucking nuts.
Leif:
We can’t just crank the knobs on the universe like it’s jacuzzi jets.
Ava:
No, no, wait. I actually have some ideas, Leif come on!
Leif:
Jesus. Get ready everybody.
Leif and ava walk back into the diner, David exits.
Caspar:
Hey, David how’re you doing?
David:
What the fuck is that?
Caspar:
That’s uh... well that’s, that’s Brazilian Carnival is what that is.
David:
Why?
Caspar:
“Why” is going to be a tough question around here for a minute.
David walks back inside.
Caspar:
David-
Gloria:
Just give him some time.
Caspar:
This is a fucking nightmare. You want to make this worse?
Gloria:
Caspar, if we get thrown in a government black site, you’re never going to see him again.
Caspar:
Fucking goddamnit, Gloria.
Gloria:
I know, Caspar.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Leif? Leif, where are you going, we’re not done talking!
Gloria:
Come on, let’s go talk to this guy.
Caspar:
Okay.
Gloria:
Leif’s got some things to do, you’re going to have to talk to me for now.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Who the fuck are you?
Gloria:
I’m fucking Gloria who the fuck are you?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Bring Leif back out here, this has gone on long enough.
Gloria:
Look, I’m going to give you one warning.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh? A warning? Listen, whoever you are, I’m not interested in making a reservation at your little restaurant, okay? There’s very important things going on right now, if you haven’t noticed.
Gloria:
You and your team need to get out of here right now.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh? We do? What are you going to do, Gloria? Spit in our food? Bring it out!
The agents begin wheeling out the B.A.R.F. Cannon.
Caspar:
Oh Jesus, is that what I think it is?
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
I hope everybody in there enjoyed their lunch because they’re about to see it again.
Up on the roof.
Leif:
I’m dying to know how you plan to pull off this plan.
Ava:
Okay, it’s a little nutty-fruitcakes but keep in mind I’ve been up for almost forty-eight hours now.
Leif:
I can’t wait.
Ava:
You said the diner has a pre-print right? A particular energy signature that shows up a few days before the diner?
Leif:
Yeah.
Ava:
Any way you can broadcast that particular energy cocktail?
Leif:
Uh, I think so? But it wouldn’t be exact and it wouldn’t be near the intensity that the diner sends out.
Ava:
That’s okay. I don’t need you to feed the sharks. I just need you to chum the water.
Leif:
Sharks, Ava?
Ava:
Sharks, Leif.
Caspar:
(In the parking lot.) Leif!
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
I think they’re bringing out the puke gun.
Leif:
Jesus Christ. You’re a sick fuck, Kyle.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
(In the street.) Fuck you, Leif!
Leif gets to work at the command center.
Ava:
Does that thing actually work?
Leif:
It works. He’s just not telling us that it takes an hour to warm up, we’ve got time.
Ava:
Okay. Of course the scientist in me wants to see it work. Does it really make everyone vomit?
Leif:
Oh yeah. These guys are the worst. They’ve all got framed pictures of Dr. Moreau in their offices. Okay, let’s see, pretending we’re the diner... a little bit of gamma, some UV, and pinch of synchrotron...
An emitter begins to spin up in the command center.
Leif:
Okay, there we go. It’s not perfect but it’s in the neighborhood. We are broadcasting kind of like the diner. What’s this supposed to do?
Ava:
We’re acting like we’re open for business.
Leif:
Okay? I don’t see how that’s going to do anything.
We begin to hear an imminent rumbling.
Leif:
What is that sound?
Ava:
Ooooooh boy.
The “river” on Colorado boulevard comes back with a vengeance. It is now huge flash flood headed right for the federal agents.
Kyle Parrino From D.A.R.P.A.:
Oh SHIIIIIIIIIT!
The raging river rises up and washes away the federal agents.
Leif:
The river came back!
Ava:
Sharks!
Leif:
Let’s get down there.
In the parking lot. The river is raging.
Caspar:
The river is... back.
Gloria:
Uh huh.
Caspar:
The federal agents are... gone.
Gloria:
I think I need to be more careful about the things I tell Ava to do.
Caspar:
Might be wise.
Zebulon:
Shall we wait here patiently for the other nine plagues?
Door chime.
Ava:
I’m calling that a success.
Caspar:
What the fuck did you do?
Ava:
I just did what Gloria told me.
Caspar:
But what the fuck did you do, Ava?
Leif:
I broadcasted an energy signal that imitated a functioning diner.
Ava:
And the floodgates opened. I apologize for the incredibly accurate metaphor.
Gloria:
Where did you wash them away to?
Ava:
Y’know... downriver.
Caspar:
Shit.
Leif:
I was not expecting that to happen but it’s hard to argue with the results.
Gloria:
Okay, but, shut it off now.
Leif:
Okay.
Ava:
We can’t.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
What?
Ava:
We already put out the signal.
Gloria:
What do you mean we already put out the signal?
Ava:
I mean, the wheels are in motion, all that fucked up energy out there, it’s got a target now. Shutting it off won’t matter.
Gloria:
But it matters to me, Ava.
Ava:
Hey, you gave me an order, I followed the order. Things are about to get reeeeeeal weird.
Gloria:
That’s not what I asked for!
Effie:
Gloria I believe that’s exactly what you asked for.
Gloria:
Is it?
Leif:
Yep.
Gloria:
... Okay... well... everyone buckle up, I guess?
Caspar:
Fuck... I’ve got to go talk to David.
Caspar walks inside the diner.
Caspar:
David?
There’s no answer. He walks through the back door.
Caspar:
David?...
We hear the sound of a city bus speeding down the street. Wear david typing on his phone. He pulls up a Video. We hear the sound of The Mungo in the background.
Mad Maddox:
(In David’s Phone.) This is Mad Maddox. I am on the roof of the Target in downtown Pasadena... And there is a fucking Kaiju attacking the city! But listen, I've been watching it. I think it's just eating the palm trees!
David:
Fuck.
David swipes up on his phone. Another video. We hear a river in the background.
James Spiller-Rosa:
(In David’s Phone.) This is James Spiller-Rosa, I am outside the Cheesecake Factory... Colorado Boulevard just turned into a river... what is happening?
David:
Fuck.
David swipes up again.
Crystal Delightful:
(In David’s Phone.) Hey y’all, it’s Crystal Delightful again. Welcome back to my channel. I’m sure you’re sick of the videos of my garden by now but you’ve got to see this... I came out here to plant these dahlia bulbs and look... there is a goat in my backyard... What is this goat doing here?... It’s really cute... Hi little buddy.
Goat:
(In David’s Phone.) Hi there.
Crystal delightful screams. David closes his phone.
David:
What the fuck...
The bus lurches to a halt.
David:
Oh come on, what is the hold up?
We hear shock among the people on the bus. A military marching band crosses right in front of the bus.
David:
A marching band. A fucking marching band. Okay... okay... Drive the fucking bus!
The bus begins driving again. David’s phone vibrates.
David:
What?... No, I’m not there anymore... I’m on a bus... yeah, the busses are still working everybody’s trying to get the fuck out of Pasadena, of course the busses are still working... yeah... yeah I saw it... it’s fucking real... I have no idea... Look, I don’t know what to tell you, I just know that I’m glad to be out of Pasadena, and I’m never going back... I’ll call you later, I’m on my way to barricade myself in my apartment.
The bus stops and the doors swing open. David walks out onto the street. He passes a corner store that’s playing the news on the radio.
Radio Reporter:
... Again the news coming out of Pasadena is very confusing right now, local officials are starting to chime in and are urging people to stay in their homes, if you’re at work stay at work, they do NOT want people out on the street right now-
David:
FUCK-
Right as david is about to turn a corner a stampede of zebras explodes past him. Cars swerve and people scream.
Radio Reporter:
-We are also getting strange reports across the city, not just Pasadena, so we recommend staying where you are, if you’re out in the street, get inside as soon as you can.
David:
Fucking Zebras?
David continues down the street. He rounds another corner and is hit by a blizzard.
David:
AND a fucking blizzard?!
David opens the front door of his apartment building and walks inside. He then stops and opens the front door again. The blizzard is gone.
David:
Jesus Christ.
David shuts the door again and walks down the hall of his apartment building. He unlocks the door, walks inside, and locks every lock on his door behind him.
David:
You’re fine... you’re fine...
David puts down his bag and picks up the remote control. Before he turns on the TV he begins to hear something outside. He crosses to the window and opens it. A group of Gregorian Monks are singing as the walk down the street. He shuts the window and turns on the news.
Jay Spark:
Okay, we’re back, this is Jay Spark, I’m here with Jacqueline Snyder and we are trying our best to make sense of the news coming out of Pasadena and now spreading across the Los Angeles area. We’re told the airspace above the area is about to be restricted but we’ve still got our eye in the sky chopper up there, Jacqueline, what are we seeing right now?
Jacqueline Snyder:
Well, Jay, we’re seeing a great big monster aren’t we?
Jay Spark:
Yes we are.
Jacqueline Snyder:
It is four stories tall, and it is currently traveling very slowly south down Lake Boulevard towards my favorite Trader Joe’s.
Jay Spark:
We should note at this point that there have not been any casualties.
Jacqueline Snyder:
And thank God.
Jay Spark:
Some light injuries from people fleeing the scene but this guy does not appear to be Godzilla, does he, Jacqi?
Jacqueline Snyder:
Well he is if you’re a palm tree. This big boy seems to be focused entirely on eating the tops of palm trees.
Jay Spark:
Bad news if you’re a palm tree, good news if you’re my Land Rover. Lost an entire windshield to a falling palm frond last year, remember that?
Jacqueline Snyder:
Ooh, that was a bad day in the studio for everyone, wasn’t it?
Jay Spark:
But this parade float come to life is not the only thing going on in the City of Roses, is it, Jacqi?
Jacqueline Snyder:
No, it is not, Jay. We were jokingly calling it the Colorado river, here in the studio. Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena has now become a raging river. We don’t know how, we don’t know why, but we did manage to capture the moment it happened with our eye in the sky chopper, let’s roll that footage.
Jay Spark:
Okay, we see here a restaurant in Pasadena called Midnight Burger. Now, I’m no expert but there appears to be some sort of government standoff going on around this restaurant. There you see the black suburbans, you’ve got men with guns and what looks like a squadron of drones in the sky right above the restaurant. Now, that raises enough questions, but watch this footage here... all of a sudden there is a raging river, and you can watch as these government vehicles, all of them, are completely swept away by this sudden river. Look at that.
Jacqueline Snyder:
I mean, that’s one way to end a government standoff.
Jay Spark:
It sure is. I’m not sure where those government agents got washed away to, but I hope they brought their water weenies.
Jacqueline Snyder:
Yikes, me too. Okay, so like we said these strange incidents are now spreading across the city so let’s go to the San Fernando Valley Buddhism Center where we are getting word that the Buddhists are levitating-
The TV suddenly cuts out. We hear gloria’s voice.
Gloria:
(On Television.) ... Are we on?
Leif:
We’re live.
Gloria:
Okay, hello Los Angeles. I’m Gloria. You have no idea who I am, I know. I’m cutting into your local news right now because I’m sure a lot of you out there are scared and confused about the things going on in the city. Without going into it too much, because I don’t know how much time we have, I’ll say this: the world you live in is trying to fix itself. Fixing yourself can get really messy. It’s going to be messy. All that I, a strange woman who has just appeared on your television, want to say is: what’s the real thing that’s going on? Check on your neighbors, are they okay? Check in on the people in your life. There may be someone in your life who needs to hear the words “we’re going to be okay.” You should say that to them. You may not believe it, but trust me, when you say “it’s going to be okay” to someone, you’re always talking to two people. Stick together, and hang on, nothing in the history of the universe has ever been permanent... Are we still going?
Leif:
Yeah, we’re still up.
Gloria:
Okay, I’m going to go again... ¡Hola Los Ángeles! Soy Gloria-
David turns off the television. After a moment, david opens a window. Two world war I era planes buzz his apartment building shooting machine guns at each other. David quickly shuts the window again. He turns the TV back on.
Jacqueline Snyder:
-Now, I know the traffic is bad right now, but it’s especially bad around Sunset and Doheny where apparently the street is now doing a full loop-de-loop like a Hot Wheels track.
He turns off the TV again. We sit in silence for a moment. We being to hear something outside. It’s the sound of someone running in heels, then a strange sound. We hear the running again, and the strange sound again. The sound keeps repeating. David’s curiosity wins out and he opens the window. Over and over again, a woman runs and then we hear a strange sound.
David:
Oh, what the fuck?
He closes the window again. He types briefly on his phone and loud music starts playing in his apartment. As the music plays we can still faintly hear the repeating sound outside, and so can David. He shuts off the music. After a moment he opens the door to his apartment, walks down the hall and walks outside. He slowly approaches the repeating noise and we begin to hear a woman’s voice. The woman appears to be running down the sidewalk, disappearing, then reappearing again one hundred yards up the street. The woman tries again and again to continue down the street but she keeps disappearing and reappearing.
Christina:
Goddamn it.
She runs again, disappears and reappears again.
Christina:
What the hell is happening?
She runs again, disappears and reappears again.
David:
Hey.
Christina:
What?
David:
What are you doing?
Christina:
I’m trying to walk down the street.
David:
It’s not working.
Christina:
I know!
David:
Maybe you should stop for a second.
Christina:
Why?
David:
Because it’s freaking me out.
Christina:
Every time I try to pass that blue Lexus I disappear and reappear back up here again. It’s freaking YOU out?
David:
Well, doing it over and over again doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
Christina:
Have you got any better ideas?
She runs again, she disappears and reappears again.
Christina:
Fuck!
David:
Just stop, okay?
Christina:
... What is happening?
David:
I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that all day.
Christina:
... Is it true that there’s a monster in Pasadena right now?
David:
... Yeah... Yeah there is.
Christina:
And Colorado Boulevard is a river?
David:
Yes.
Christina:
And there was a blizzard for a second?
David:
Uh huh.
Christina:
... These documents in my hand, I was running these from our offices to a meeting room three blocks away and... the street starting filling up with white stuff... I think it was shaving cream... so I turned down this street and then this started happening.
David:
Maybe just email the documents next time.
Christina:
Very funny... Here I go again.
David:
Good luck.
She runs, disappears, and reappears again.
Christina:
Great.
David:
Have you tried going in a different direction?
Christina:
I need to go that way.
David:
Going that way doesn’t seem to be in the cards.
Christina:
What if... what if I go another direction and something even worse happens? What if I don’t reappear?
David:
Okay, well I hope you enjoy spending the rest of your life standing on this sidewalk.
Christina:
... Well, which way do I go?
David:
I’m standing here on the other side of the street. Pretty nice over here.
Christina:
... Can you do me a favor?
David:
Sure.
Christina:
My name’s Christina Sinnott. I work at Ted Wassanassan and Associates.
David:
... Okay, what’s the favor?
Christina:
No, I just... I just moved to town for this job. I don’t really know anyone at work... and there’s a possibility that I’m going to walk across the street and disappear forever, so I needed someone to know...
David:
Know what?
Christina:
That I existed.
David:
...Alright. I know. It’s nice to meet you Christina. I’m David.
Christina:
Hi David. Here I go.
David:
See you on the other side.
Christina very slowly makes her way across the street until she finally reaches david.
Christina:
Okay, I’m-
She disappears and reappears back where she started.
Christina:
...Fucking bullshit.
David:
Better than disappearing for good.
Christina:
Sure... bright side... well now what do I do?
David:
... I have no idea.
Back at the diner. We hear the sound of a formula one race.
Caspar:
What is this now?
Gloria:
Well, Caspar, this is looking like some race cars.
Caspar:
What happened to the river?
Gloria:
I don’t know.
Leif:
(From the roof.) Okay, this is looking like it’s all over LA County now. There’s reports of a World War I dog fight over Hollywood and something about a stampede of Zebras and an intersection filled with shaving cream.
Gloria:
Great.
Leif:
What is this?
Caspar:
Looks like Formula One.
Leif:
Cool.
Gloria:
Anything from Ava?
Ava:
(On the roof.) So, I’m calling them “intrusions.”
Gloria:
Okay, anything else?
Ava:
Sometimes one intrusion will supersede the other. Like right now, this race car thing superseded the river on Colorado Boulevard. Then, sometimes they can co-exist. So we’ve got the race cars and also the Mungo is still loose in downtown Pasadena eating all the palm trees.
Gloria:
Where is all this headed, Ava?
Ava:
Too early to tell right now, but my guess is total atomic breakdown.
Caspar:
Total atomic breakdown sounds bad.
Ava:
We may be seeing an injection of antimatter into the universe causing a slow annihilation. Try and imagine rust on a ship. I thinks that’s the universe right now.
Caspar:
I don’t want to try and imagine that, thank you.
Gloria:
Any way we can get out ahead of this?
Ava:
Effie?
Effie:
Gloria, every time one of these oddities rears it’s head I’m getting a particular feeling in my knees.
Gloria:
Your knees.
Effie:
I’m feeling it in my joints when one of these, Ava what are we calling them?
Ava:
Intrusions.
Effie:
Every time one of them intrusions comes around I’ve got it in my knees and sometimes my right elbow just before it makes itself known.
Gloria:
That sounds painful.
Zebulon:
I have cold compresses and a hot water bottle and I am alternating between them.
Effie:
Don’t you worry about us, Gloria.
Ava:
I think with Effie’s help I can at least work out a schedule for when the intrusions are going to happen.
Caspar:
The race is over.
We begin to hear the “colorado river” again.
Caspar:
Annnd we’re back to the river.
Ava:
Okay, good. It looks like Colorado Boulevard is a kind of nexus point. A soft spot where the intrusions are going to manifest, if anything happens it’ll probably happen there, but it looks like with the reports that Leif’s getting, there are fissures opening all over the city.
Gloria:
Fucking great. Okay, let me know when you know anything.
Caspar:
Hey, at least we’re not in a standoff with the US Government anymore.
Gloria:
So, David left, huh?
Caspar:
Yeah, he did. I’m glad. He needed to get out of here, I’m sure he’s safer wherever he went.
Gloria:
I’m sorry, Caspar.
Caspar:
You know, when I first started talking to him again, I had one rule: It may be awkward, he may hate you, but whatever you do, Caspar, just don’t make it worse... So... I made it worse.
Gloria:
You didn’t make it worse, Caspar, whoever put us here made it worse.
Caspar:
Well, regardless, it’s worse. Because of my presence here, the universe where he makes his home is now headed for... what was it?
Gloria:
Total atomic breakdown.
Caspar:
Yeah, total atomic breakdown, I’m going to call that worse. Fucking disaster.
A food delivery drone comes rolling down the street.
Drone:
Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming through...
Gloria:
Well, look at this brave little soldier.
Caspar:
Jesus christ. This whole universe is going to break down and this guy is still going to be trying to deliver a poke bowl to someone.
Door chime, ava walks out into the parking lot with the mucklewains.
Ava:
Okay, I think we’ve got it. Here comes another intrusion. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Drone:
Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming th-
Gloria:
Nothing’s happening.
Caspar:
The food delivery bot stopped.
Gloria:
Is that all that’s going to happen?
Effie:
That doesn’t feel like much.
The food delivery drone begins to transform into something much bigger.
Zebulon:
Oh dear.
The drone sprouts to huge arms and a head.
Zebulon:
Oh my!
Caspar:
Jesus Christ he’s a fucking Decepticon!
Drone:
DELICIOUS FOOD COMING THROUGH!
The drone lurches toward them.
Zebulon:
For heaven’s sake, someone take the food from it!
Gloria:
Leif!
Leif:
What? Holy shit!
Caspar:
Leif, do something!
Leif:
Peter!
Peter springs to life and heroically leaps from the roof. He rushes in, quickly and methodically going to town on the delivery drone, cutting it to pieces with his laser.
Drone:
DELICIOUS FOOD COMING THROUGH!!
The drone fights back but Peter is too fast.
Gloria:
Everybody back up!
The drone falls to the ground in pieces after being diced up.
Drone:
Please... enjoy... your... ceasar... salad... wraaaaaaaap...
Leif:
Nice work, Peter.
Caspar:
Leif, how have you not made one hundred peters?!
Leif:
I know, right?
Back at david’s apartment. Christina is slowly walking down the sidewalk.
David:
Now, what are you doing?
Christina:
I was thinking, maybe I need to sneak up on it. Maybe I was walking too fast, like, maybe there’s a speed limit.
David:
A speed limit?
Christina:
Yeah, I think I’m getting a little further that I usually-
Christina teleports again. She’s back where she started.
Christina:
Oh god damn it.
David:
It doesn’t seem like the type of thing you can sneak past.
Christina:
How do you know?
David:
I don’t.
Christina:
What is that sound?
A group of gregorian monks are walking down the middle of the street singing their ghostly song again.
Christina:
Are these Gregorian Monks?
David:
I don’t know, I don’t know much about monks.
Christina:
Hello?
David:
I don’t think they can see us.
Christina:
Is it possible that the City of Los Angeles is having one big mass hallucination?
David:
I doubt it, but I’m sure that’ll be everyone’s explanation after this is over.
Christina:
What if it’s never over? What if this is the world now?
David:
... I don’t know... I’ll tell you what...
David gets out his phone and starts typing.
David:
... I’ve got a friend, he lives in Austria... I am texting him right now and we’re going to see how things are going half way around the world.
Christina:
Why?
David:
I don’t know, uh... I went through a period in my life when I would get a little scared from time to time... and whenever I would feel that way I would... I would try and widen the lens, you know?
Christina:
No.
David:
My life felt like the entire universe. It felt like the only thing that was happening in the universe was whatever bad shit was happening to me... But you widen the lens. Zoom out. The world is wide, right? The world is a billion things. Not just you... it helped to know that there were plenty of places out there where my particular bullshit didn’t exist.
David’s phone vibrates.
David:
Okay... I told him that there is some crazy shit going down in LA right now and he thinks I’m talking about a party. He is... he is on vacation right now with his boyfriend, who is terrible by the way, we don’t like him, Christina, and they are somewhere called Hallstatt. ( HALL-shtaht)
Christina:
Where is that?
David:
I don’t know. (Typing.) Send... pics... It’s entirely possible that it’s not the end of the world... maybe we shouldn’t have freaked out and ran.
Christina:
Ran?
David’s phone buzzes again.
David:
Okay... we have pictures of Hallstatt. Well, look at that, that is lovely.
Christina:
Wow, that’s beautiful.
David:
That is an adorable mountain lake town. No bad shit happening. A nice quiet place... Okay, now, did his boyfriend have to have his shirt off in this pic? No, he did not. This is what I’m talking about Christina, we hate him.
Christina:
We really do.
David:
So... not the end of the world.
The zebra stampede is suddenly running past them. It is very loud. They then round the corner and are gone.
David:
Maybe that wasn’t the best moment for the Zebra stampede to come by, but my point still stands, okay?
Christina:
... Why are you doing this?
David:
What?
Christina:
Helping me.
David:
I think the jury’s still out on wether or not I’m helping you.
Christina:
It’s kind of dangerous out here, there was just a stampede, and I think an arial dogfight earlier?
David:
Uh... I don’t know... I had just made it to my apartment, and the whole time I was trying to get there I was convinced that, if I made it back home, everything was going to be okay. So I got in and locked all the doors and... somehow I got more scared in my safe apartment than I am out here... maybe I needed something to do.
Christina:
... So, should I try again?
David:
Do you want to try again?
Christina:
No.
David:
Then let’s talk about something else.
Christina:
Great, ok.
David:
How come you’re the only person in America not sending documents through the internet?
Christina:
Oh. Right. God, I totally forgot I was even holding these. They’re from an old case. 1983? They haven’t been digitized yet so I had to run back to the office and get them... I think I’m going to be a little late for the arbitration.
David:
I’ll write you a note.
Christina:
Great.
David:
Dear lawyers, this lady was teleporting up and down Argyle Avenue so she had to miss your big fancy meeting.
Christina:
That’ll work... Jesus is my job even going to exist? I mean... what if everything keeps getting crazier?
David:
I imagine even if society gets ground down to nothing there’ll still be that desire for people to sue each other.
Christina:
Oh, good... So, what do you do? Or did you do, depending on how things play out?
David:
I’m a street artist.
Christina:
Really?
David:
We exist.
Christina:
That’s fun. Have I seen any of your stuff?
David:
I don’t know, what’s your commute like?
Christina:
I live in Valley Village so I take Laurel Canyon.
David:
Ah. On a wall for a while I had a thing: it was Charleton Heston in the Ten Commandments-
Christina:
-But instead of carrying the ten commandments he was carrying two bass woofers?
David:
That’s me.
Christina:
I loved that one! That’s you?
David:
It is.
Christina:
Wait, I remember the signature... you’re Cosmic Shrug!
David:
I am.
Christina:
Oh my God, you’re a legend!
David:
No, I’m not.
Christina:
You are to me. You’re the first cool person I’ve met in Los Angeles.
David:
Well, that’s what you get for living in Valley Village.
Christina:
That must be so great. Is it great?
David:
I like it.
Christina:
You’ve got this thing out there for everyone to see. They drive past and it makes their day a little weirder, y’know? I wish I had something like that.
David:
Christina, you have definitely made my day a little weirder.
Christina:
Yeah. Yeah I guess I have... Maybe that’s why all this is happening. Maybe people need to be weirded out more.
David:
Yeah... you know what? Let’s try again.
Christina:
Oh god.
David:
Come on. Let’s change it up, though.
Christina:
What do you mean?
David:
Give me the file.
Christina:
Okay. It’s kind of become my security blanket, though.
David:
Don’t worry, I’m going to put it right here on top of this car.
Christina:
Okay.
David:
Now give me your hand.
Christina:
No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
David:
We’ve got to do something. Let’s try this. You may be stuck, but I’m not. Let’s see what happens.
Christina:
Okay. Are you sure?
David:
I’m sure.
Christina:
What if you get stuck in this loop with me?
David:
Then at least we’ve learned something.
Christina:
Okay... Okay, oh God... I’m taking your hand.
David:
Good. Now let’s walk.
They start to walk down the street.
Christina:
I promise if you get stuck with me for all eternity that I’m a great conversationalist when I’m not freaking out.
David:
That’s good to know.
Christina:
And I talk in my sleep.
David:
Okay.
Christina:
Oh God, here it comes...
They keep walking.
Christina:
... We made it to the corner.
David:
We made it to the corner.
Christina:
We did it.
David:
We did it.
Christina:
Did we do it?
David:
I think so.
Christina:
Is the spell broken?
David:
You’re on the street corner.
Christina:
I’m on the street corner!
David:
I guess you just needed some company.
Christina:
That’s fucking incredible!
Christina teleports again.
David:
Whoa.
Christina:
Shit!... Wait.
David:
You’re across the street now.
Christina:
I’m across the street now. Why am I across the street now?
David:
I don’t know, but it’s still progress.
Christina:
Hang on.... Wait... stay there...
Christina teleports back to David.
David:
Oh, shit!
Christina:
I’m back. I came back.
David:
How?
Christina:
I don’t know.
David:
Do it again.
Christina:
Okay.
She teleports back across the street.
Christina:
I’m over here again!
David:
Confirmed.
Christina:
I think... I think I can control it.
David:
Shit... Okay, go bigger this time.
Christina:
What do you mean?
David:
That balcony up there.
Christina:
The one with the cactus?
David:
Yeah. Go for it.
Christina:
Okay, okay, oh god, okay...
Christina teleports three stories up to a balcony.
Christina:
(On the balcony.) Holy shit I’m on the balcony!
David:
Goddamn. Okay, don’t freak people out. Come back down.
She reappears next to David.
Christina:
I’m back down... What the hell is happening?...
David:
Christina, I have no idea.
Christina:
... Give me your hand again.
David:
What are you doing?
Christina:
C’mon... give me your hand.
David:
Oh, lord.
They both disappear and reappear inside a 7-11.
David:
Yo... Hello, new experiences.
Christina starts laughing.
David:
Why are you laughing?
Christina:
We’re at 7-11!
David:
I know.
Christina:
I teleported us to a 7-11.
David:
Which one?
Christina:
The one on Highland.
David:
Christina that is several blocks away!
Christina:
I know!
David:
You could’ve teleported me inside the slushie machine!
Christina:
I don’t know, I just knew I wouldn’t. I knew it was going to be okay. Looks like it’s been abandoned. Want a hot dog?
David:
... How far can you go?
Christina:
I don’t know... Are we going to test it?
David:
Okay... okay... Go get a pair of sunglasses from Venice Beach.
Christina:
Venice Beach... yeah okay... fuck it.
Christina disappears.
David:
... Goodbye normal life.
Christina reappears.
Christina:
What do we think?
David:
It’s a look.
Christina:
They’re tiger print.
David:
Bold.
Christina:
So... I can just do this now?
David:
Christina, I have no idea. But I know you’re not stuck outside my apartment anymore.
Christina:
So, I’m Christina the teleporting lawyer now?
David:
You’ll never be late for court.
Christina:
... David, why did you do this? Why did you help me?
David:
I told you, I needed something to do.
Christina:
Seriously.
David:
... I uh... I run from things.
Christina:
What do you mean?
David:
I mean... Usually in my life, when people tell me the world has to be a certain way I just... leave. I don’t like being told what to do, even if it’s the whole world telling me. All these things that are happening: the craziness in Pasadena, the monks, the zebras... I didn’t want it. I tried to run from it, shut it out... everything’s fun and games when I can control it but when things aren’t in my control... time to hit the road... I think it’s time to stop that now.
Christina:
... I’m glad you did.
David:
Me too.
Christina:
So what now?
David:
... Shit.
Christina:
What?
David:
... I need you to give me a ride.
Back at the diner.
Ava:
5,4,3,2,1...
Thunder rumbles in the sky above their heads.
Caspar:
It’s going to rain now?
Gloria:
That seems kind of normal.
Leif:
I’m suspicious.
Effie:
Oh, Leif, hush up, we don’t need your nay-saying when we’re just trying to get to the end of the day.
Zebulon:
Little bit of rain might be nice.
Something hits caspar on the head.
Caspar:
Ow!
A ping pong ball bounces away.
Caspar:
What the hell was that?
Ava:
A ping pong ball.
Caspar:
C’mon.
Another ping pong ball lands in the parking lot. Then another and another.
Gloria:
Goddamnit.
It begins to rain ping pong balls.
Leif:
So sorry for the nay-saying!
Effie:
You, shut it!
Gloria:
Everybody inside!
They all rush inside the diner.
Caspar:
Those things hurt way more than you would expect.
Gloria:
I am officially sick of this, Ava is there anything we can do?
Ava:
Sadly, we’re just like everyone else now. With the diner powered down, we don’t have much to work with.
Gloria:
So this is what happens? When the diner stops working the whole universe collapses in on itself?
Ava:
We’re seeing it right now. It’s happening just like it would with an organism. One system breaks down and that failure cascades throughout.
Gloria:
It can’t be that simple.
Ava:
Well, it’s not that simple. When any universe is created, the initial rush of energy and expansion takes literally microseconds, but this universe has had billions of years to develop and mature and gain complexity. That could take a long time to unravel.
Gloria:
And all that time it’s going to look like this? Ping pong balls falling from the sky?
Ava:
Oh, no, it’s going to get much worse than that.
Caspar:
I can’t believe we’re supposed to just sit here and watch everything turn to soup.
Ava:
As powerful as we all may have felt while were were bopping around the cosmos, in the end we’re still mostly observers. Trying to stop it would be like trying to stop a storm front by blowing at it really hard.
Gloria:
So this is it.
Zebulon:
Y’all, I must say, I disagree.
Effie:
What’s that now, dear?
Zebulon:
Well, we all seem to be drifting toward a rather apocalyptic view of things. We’re beginning to sound consigned to oblivion.
Gloria:
Zebulon, everything’s gone haywire and we’ve been stripped of our power to do anything.
Zebulon:
And I believe it is always a mistake for one to convince themself that they have any power at all. I have witnessed all of you do incredible things. Heroic things. And you have done those things not because of your immense power but because of your... Lord help me, for I am about to step right in it... because of your faith. Faith in yourselves, in each other, faith in your belief that to act from the purest part of yourself will lead you to victory. That is not power. That is trust. And perhaps what we need right now is a little more of that.
Ava:
Maybe this is the lack of sleep talking, but Zebulon’s right. I’m sitting here saying that the universe is unravelling, but that’s only going with the information that I have. There could be a lot of information out there that I don’t have. It’s entirely possible that a universe evolves to a point where it has a, kind of a back up plan. Something we don’t know about yet.
Caspar:
So we just sit here and hope for the best?
Ava:
I think so.
Leif:
I hate that, but I get it.
Caspar:
Hang on.
Gloria:
What?
Caspar:
David’s in the parking lot.
Caspar walks outside.
Caspar:
Welcome to Midnight Burger.
David:
... Sorry.
Caspar:
It’s okay.
David:
It’s a lot.
Caspar:
It is, in fact, so much.
David:
I still don’t know what to do with all this.
Caspar:
David, I told you so much nuclear-grade insane bullshit earlier. The only difference between me and a severely mentally-ill person is that everything I said is true. But it still feels like insanity. It was, for real, raining ping pong balls a second ago, but it still doesn’t feel real. Like there’s no room for it in your brain, y’know?
David:
... I hitched a ride here from a teleporting lawyer.
Caspar:
Oh really?
David:
I would’ve introduced you but she had to go check on her neighbor. She was out on the street next to my apartment. She was trapped in this weird loop, she couldn’t escape the sidewalk, so I had to help her out.
Caspar:
What’d you do?
David:
I held her hand and walked her to the end of the block. Somehow that did it.
Caspar:
... Well I’m glad that you’re making friends.
David:
Why did that work?
Caspar:
Ava and Leif will tell you one reason why it worked, Effie and Zebulon will give you another. And then Gloria and me would say, it worked because something had to.
David:
... I can’t talk to anyone else about that.
Caspar:
Yeah.
David:
That makes me mad.
Caspar:
I know.
David:
I’m sorry that it makes me mad.
Caspar:
David it’s... Parents are tough... you may want to have a good relationship with them, but you can never really pull off having the relationship you want to. Also, you both go through life and you both change but when you get back together you revert to these old roles like no time has passed, it’s weird. Parents are weird, home is weird. Look at Leif. He’s grown a lot from the angry dude he used to be, but you put him back on Earth. Back home? And he’s just mad all the time, like no time has passed... it never works the way you want it to... This doesn’t work the way that I want it to. It never will. It doesn’t stop me from trying.
David:
Helping that Lawyer out felt good.
Caspar:
Oh yeah?
David:
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that way before.
Caspar:
Yeah.
David:
It’s weird.
Caspar:
I know. It’s weird that it’s weird. “I helped someone?” “I changed things?” That’s not how the world is supposed to work, it’s supposed to be intractable. It’s supposed to be out of my control. And trust me it is intractable, it is out of your control, but every once and a while... Every once and a while you move the needle. And that gets confusing, because what are you supposed to do now? Try? That’s not what you’ve been told to do by the world you live in. You’ve been told to shrug your shoulders and keep walking. Now you’ve go to try all the time? That sounds exhausting.
David:
... Is the world ending?
Caspar:
The world’s always ending, David. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a billion years. But Zebulon has given us his usual spiel, which means that we’re not allowed to say it’s the end of the world until it is the literal end of the world.
Door chime.
Ava:
Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got another countdown.
Gloria:
Hey David.
David:
Hey.
Leif:
What’s going on?
David:
Ah. The Space Pirate.
Leif:
That was a long time ago.
Zebulon:
Afternoon to you, young man.
Effie:
It’s good to see your face again, David.
David:
Do they ever stop freaking you out?
Gloria:
Not really.
David:
What’s “The countdown?”
Caspar:
Ava figured out how to predict when something’s going to happen.
David:
Oh, great.
Ava:
5,4,3,2,1...
Caspar:
...
David:
...
Ava:
...
Caspar:
Anything?
Gloria:
I don’t see anything.
Leif:
Maybe we’re getting a break.
Zebulon:
Or perhaps, as I said, things are not so grim after all?
Ava:
I’m not sure about that.
Caspar:
Continuons d'attendre et voyons si quelque chose se passe. (Let's keep waiting and see if something happens.)
Ava:
...
Leif:
...
Gloria:
... Caspar, tu viens de dire quelque chose en français? (Caspar, did you just say something in French?)
Caspar:
Je ne parle pas français, tu parles français. (I’m not speaking French, you’re speaking French.)
Leif:
Vous parlez tous les deux français. Merde! (You’re both speaking French. Shit!)
Ava:
Vous parlez tous les trois français. (All three of you are speaking French.)
Leif:
Maintenant, vous parlez français! (Now you’re speaking French!)
Ava:
Non, je ne suis pas. Oh mon Dieu! Je suis! (No, I’m not. Oh my God! I am!)
David:
Qu'est-ce qui se passe, bordel? (What the Fuck is happening?)
Gloria:
Maintenant, David parle français. (Now David is speaking French.)
Zebulon:
Je crois qu’on peut affirmer sans se tromper que vous parlez désormais tous les cinq français! (I believe it’s safe to say that all five of you are now speaking French!)
Effie:
Mon mari, tu parles aussi français. Oh Seigneur, moi aussi. (Husband, you are also speaking French. Oh Lord, so am I.)
Ava:
C’est un joli changement de rythme. (It’s a nice change of pace.)
Caspar:
Ava, est-ce temporaire ou permanent? (Ava, is this temporary or permanent?)
Ava:
Je ne sais pas. (I don’t know.)
Effie:
Zoot alors! ( Gol Durn!)
David:
Tu veux dire qu'on pourrait tous parler français pour toujours? (You mean we could all be speaking French forever?)
Ava:
Peutêtre. (Maybe.)
Caspar:
Quoi?! ( Hwat?!)
Ava:
Le géant Mungo est toujours là, nous parlerons peut-être français pendant un moment. (The giant Mungo is still here, we might be speaking French for a while.)
Zebulon:
Ava, je n'ai pas l'intention de parler français pendant un certain temps! (Ava, I have no intention of speaking French for any length of time!)
Effie:
C'est peut-être votre intention, mon cher, mais vos intentions se manifestent en français. (That may be your intention, Dear, but your intentions are coming out French.)
Zebulon:
Oh, les escargots! (Aw, snails!)
Leif:
Je me sens plus sexy, quelqu'un d'autre se sent-il plus sexy? (I feel sexier, any one else feel sexier?)
Ava:
Je me sens plus distant. (I feel more aloof.)
Gloria:
Est-ce que c'est possible? (Is that even possible?)
Ava:
Fameusement gonflé! (How dare you!)
David:
Si cela est permanent, je déménage en Europe. (If this is permanent, I’m moving to Europe.)
Gloria:
Je suis avec David. (I’m with David.)
Caspar:
Personne ne déménage en Europe! (Nobody is moving to Europe!)
Zebulon:
C'est trèsénervant de voir mes mots anglais sortir de ma bouche comme des mots français! (It is very unnerving to have my English words come out of my mouth as French words!)
Effie:
Je m'y habitue, tout le monde. (I’m getting used to it, y’all.)
Ava:
Je le suis aussi(I am too.)
Effie:
Je veux un de ces chapeaux. (I want one of those hats.)
Ava:
Un instant, tout cela me donne envie de fumer une cigarette. (Hang on, this is all making me want to smoke a cigarette.)
David:
Je me sens mieux maintenant. La version française de moi est-elle une meilleure version de moi ? Ai-je raté quelque chose? (I’m feeling better about it now. Is the French version of me a better version of me? Have I been missing out?)
Gloria:
Je me demande si je suis meilleur en pâtisserie maintenant. (I wonder if I’m better at making pastries now.)
Leif:
Je me demande si je suis meilleur pour conquérir l'Europe occidentale. (I wonder if I’m better at conquering western Europe.)
Ava:
Attendez, je vais dire le nom du restaurant et voirà quoiça ressemble: Burger de minuit. (Wait, I’m going to say the name of the diner and see how it sounds: Midnight Burger.)
Effie:
Oh j'aimeça. (Oh, I like it.)
David:
Est-ce que Gloria doit porter un de ces hauts chapeaux dans la cuisine maintenant? (Does Gloria have to wear one of those tall hats in the kitchen now?)
Gloria:
Je ne détesterais pas ça. (I wouldn’t hate it.)
Caspar:
C’est la plus stupide absurdité qui soit jamais arrivée. (This is the stupidest nonsense that has ever happened.)
Gloria:
I guess I need to brush up on my sauces. Oh!
Caspar:
Oh, thank God.
Leif:
That was fucking weird, man.
David:
Am I bilingual now?
Ava:
Hang on.
Effie:
Well that was a little trip around the world for me.
Zebulon:
Yes, and I am glad to be back.
Effie:
Oh nonsense, Husband. You were adorable speaking your little French words.
Ava:
Wait.
Leif:
What is it?
Caspar:
My biggest fear was that I was going to like it and I’d be stuck being French for the rest of my life. I don’t have that kind of fashion sense.
Leif:
Y’all. Ava, what is it?
Ava:
The schedule changed.
Leif:
What do you mean?
Ava:
We stopped speaking French so it had to be superseded by something. Does anyone see anything different?
Caspar:
I don’t see anything.
Gloria:
Me neither.
Zebulon:
Perhaps this is it? Perhaps we’ve reached the end of it.
David:
What is that?
Caspar:
What?
David:
There.
Caspar:
That’s... what? That’s the moon.
David:
Is it?
Caspar:
Yes.
David:
Then what... is that?
Caspar:
... Oh shit.
Gloria:
There’s two moons.
Leif:
Oh no...
Ava:
That’s not great.
Zebulon:
My goodness, like we’re all seeing double.
Effie:
And they’re the spitting image of each other.
David’s phone is repeatedly vibrating.
David:
Uh, everyone in my contacts appears to be freaking out.
Ava:
Are you doing the math on this?
Leif:
I don’t need to do the math on this.
Caspar:
Please tell me this is only bad news for werewolves.
Leif:
This is it.
Gloria:
This is what?
Ava:
A whole other moon has popped into existence, Gloria. Planetary systems are fragile. One wrong nudge and it’s game over.
Gloria:
Are they going to crash into each other?
Leif:
Maybe. But even if they don’t, there’s about a million different systems on the planet that depend on the balance between the Earth and the moon. Tides, weather patterns, seasons, animal migrations.
Ava:
You can’t add a third party to a planetary system without massive repercussions at the very least.
Leif:
... This is the end... Best case scenario: floods, tsunamis, ocean currents collapse and restructure. But honestly...
Ava:
They’re going to hit each other. It’s just a matter of time.
Zebulon:
Now, let us not go down a dark-
Effie:
Dear. I think we need to start taking the world for what it is.
Zebulon:
... I suppose you’re right.
David:
Now what the fuck do we do?
Caspar:
They’re saying there’s nothing to do, David.
Gloria:
I shouldn’t have told you to make it worse, Ava.
Ava:
It wouldn’t have mattered. It was all headed this way eventually.
Gloria:
Does anybody have any options?
Leif:
Yeah.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
...We leave. I’ll get up on the roof, put out a call, see if I can call in some favors. If we can hitch a ride off of this Earth we can at least get to a safer place.
Gloria:
Leave the diner?
Leif:
Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry... Look I know this seems like me just wanting to run away from my problems... but sometimes you do, legitimately, need to get the fuck out... I think this may be one of those times.
Gloria:
I can’t leave.
Zebulon:
Gloria, all that time when Effie and I were out there roaming the land, we were not looking for a place. We were looking for all of you.
Effie:
This place may have brought us all together, Gloria, but, we are now together. And if we can stay that way, regardless of the ground beneath our feet, I believe we can still thrive as the Lord meant us to.
Gloria:
Ava said this was happening to the whole universe, though.
David:
I have friends overseas. I texted them earlier, nothing like this is happening over there. Although, I guess two moons means it’s happening everywhere now.
Ava:
We’re at ground zero right now. And the kind of deterioration I was talking about could take generations. If Leif can find us a nice shady spot, we probably wouldn’t see anything like this in our lifetime.
Gloria:
... So we’re done.
Caspar:
This place is done. We’re still here, Gloria.
Gloria:
... Make the call, Leif.
Leif:
I’m on it.
Caspar:
... Gloria, look-
Gloria:
It’s the last supper... Who’s hungry?
Later. Gloria cooks in the kitchen, the mucklewains play some music and ava is passed out on caspar’s shoulder. David sits with them.
Caspar:
Hey, where were you?
David:
I was on the roof. Leif was trying to explain to me what he was doing and it just sounded like nonsense.
Caspar:
Yeah, I’d avoid that if I were you. I just call everything he does magic and it makes it much easier to accept.
Ava:
Mmm... quarks...
David:
How can she sleep right now?
Caspar:
She hasn’t slept in about 48 hours. Also she... I don’t know she has a different way of looking at things. “It’s all fermions and bosons.” Whatever that means.
David:
... I thought about calling mom. Then I realized she wouldn’t believe a word I had to say.
Caspar:
Yeah, probably not.
David:
... So you’re telling me Leif is calling a space ship right now?
Caspar:
Yeah... Yeah, he is.
David:
Where are we going to go?
Caspar:
I don’t know, David. But it looks like we can’t stay here.
David:
... What a fucking day.
Caspar:
I know. I’m so sorry.
David:
... My biggest worry was that you were going to be some depressed old dude with a Facebook page.
Caspar:
... Surprise.
Ava suddenly wakes up with a sharp EXHALE.
Caspar:
Jesus Christ, Ava.
Ava:
...
Caspar:
Ava?
Ava:
It’s not a small business.
David:
... What?
Ava:
It’s not... a small... business...
David:
Is she having a night terror?
Caspar:
Maybe?
Effie:
Ava.
Ava:
Do you feel it?
Effie:
I do.
Ava:
Wait for it...
Caspar:
Wait for what?
Ava:
It’s not a small business.
Caspar:
Ava, what in the goddamn hell are you talking about?
Ava:
The finely-tuned universe, David.
David:
What about it...
Outside we begin to hear a very familiar sound. Leif enters from the back door.
Leif:
Y’all. I’m getting some crazy readings up there.
Gloria:
What do you mean?
Ava:
Everybody outside!
Everyone rushes into the parking lot.
Caspar:
Ava, what are we doing?
Gloria:
I can’t handle another disaster, y’all.
Ava:
Wait for it...
Zebulon:
Dear, what it is we’re waiting for?
Effie:
I don’t even know how to describe it?
Gloria:
Leif, what kind of reading were you getting?
Leif:
The only way I can describe it is-
Something appears across the street, making the same crack in the air as the diner.
Leif:
What the fuck?
Caspar:
What is that?
Zebulon:
My Lord...
Gloria:
It’s a movie theater...
Caspar:
“The Paradise?”
Ava:
It’s not a small business... It’s a franchise...
The door to the paradise theater swings open and a man, Jeremiah Franco comes trotting out.
Jeremiah:
Don’t panic, everyone, don’t panic, everything’s just fine.
Gloria:
What is happening?
Jeremiah:
I know you must all be asking yourself “What is happening?”, but let me assure you, we’re here to help and everything is going to be just fine. My name’s Jeremiah Franco, and I am the manager of The Paradise, now I know what you’re... Leif?
Leif:
Excuse me?
The door to the paradise opens again.
Paradise Leif:
Holy shit, the news feeds on this Earth are insane, I’ve never seen anything like it.
David:
Oh my God.
Leif:
Aw fuck. Here we go again...
Paradise Leif:
I’ll tell you one thing, this is NOT a localized problem we’re going to have to... What the fuck?
Leif:
... Hello, Leif.
Paradise Leif:
Hello... Leif?
The door to the paradise opens yet again.
Marguerite:
Baby, come on, let’s go, we’re going to meet the new people they look really...
Ava:
Oh my God.
Marguerite:
Ava?
Ava:
Marguerite?
Caspar:
... What.
Jeremiah:
Well then... It’s looking like a very interesting day for all parties, doesn’t it?... Alright everyone... Who wants popcorn?
The end.