Midnight Burger
Chapter 21: Chaos!
A phone ringing as music plays on a radio. A door opens with a chime.
Frank:
Oh shit.
Phone RECEIVER is picked up.
Frank:
Horizon Motel?... Yes... No, we don’t have a website... Uh huh... Yes, I understand... Well, ma’am you can actually make a reservation with me right now on the phone, it’s been done... Uh huh... sure you can call back.
Phone hangs up. Door opens.
Frank:
We need to get a website.
June:
You don’t want to do that.
Frank:
Of course I do.
June:
If you get a website then more people will come here and that’s more work for me. Don’t do that to me.
Frank:
You had to clean one room today.
June:
But what a room it was. Those people were a mess, dude, what was their deal?
Frank:
I think they were skiers.
June:
It’s not ski season.
Frank:
Getting an early start?
June:
They were doing something strange with the trash cans. I don’t want to know what.
Frank:
We’re going to need more than one guest per night to stay above water.
June:
Yes, but what about my needs? Like my need to get paid for doing very little.
Frank:
Can you at least pretend I’m your boss?
June:
No. Hey, you know what I heard at the bar last night? I heard this place was in a meth corridor.
Frank:
What is a meth corridor?
June:
It’s, you know, the corridor through which meth moves.
Frank:
What are you talking about?
June:
People steal cars, and then they use the stolen cars to move meth around the state. They don’t want to get pulled over so they stick to the back roads. Boom, meth corridor.
Frank:
And we’re in the meth corridor?
June:
Yes.
Frank:
And who did you hear this from?
June:
Edgy Steve.
Frank:
...Edgy Steve.
June:
Yeah.
Frank:
You know someone named Edgy Steve?
June:
I mean, I don’t KNOW HIM know him, but I see him sometimes, he’s around.
Frank:
And how does “Edgy Steve” know about the meth corridor?
June:
He’s a meth dealer.
Frank:
...Great.
June:
Let me ask you this: A lot of people checking in driving Saturns?
Frank:
Saturns? Uh... sometimes, I guess.
June:
Most stolen car in America.
Frank:
Saturns are?
June:
You can start them just by shoving a flat head screwdriver in the ignition.
Frank:
But then who would want to steal a Saturn?
June:
People doing illegal things. Like?
Frank:
Transporting meth through the meth corridor?
June:
Right. How often do people check in driving a Saturn?
Frank:
... Often.
June:
They pay in cash?
Frank:
... Yes.
June:
Huh.
Frank:
We’re in a meth corridor.
June:
Yep.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
June:
Hey, their money’s green.
Frank:
Their money is drug money.
June:
Don’t worry about it. The Hilton family started out as brothel owners. You should own it. You don’t want their business going to the Red Roof Inn or whatever. That’s YOUR drug money.
Frank:
How did my dad not tell me this?
June:
He probably didn’t even know. He probably stood behind the counter and was like “Oh, well, another fine gentleman staying at our establishment with hives and face tatoo, what are the odds?”
Frank:
Someone’s going to get shot here over a drug deal gone wrong or something.
June:
No, dude, you’re not the destination for the drugs you’re in the corridor for the drugs. It’s harmless.
Frank:
Harmless?
June:
Yeah. Buy a gun though. For real.
Phone rings and rings.
June:
Phone’s ringing.
Frank:
I don’t want to pick up the phone, what if it’s Tuco Salamanca?
June:
The meth people don’t make reservations.
Frank picks up the phone.
Frank:
Ché Meth.
June:
Ha!
Frank:
Excuse me. Horizon Motel, how can I help you?... Hello again, ma’am... Yes I know we should have a website... okay... two nights? On the fifth? Okay, we’ll see you then.
Frank hangs up.
June:
Ugh, two nights IN A ROW? I’m not doing turn down service.
Frank:
You don’t know what turn down service is.
June:
Don’t make me learn.
Buzzing of the lights flickering on and off.
Frank:
Shit.
June:
Oh, damn, did you not pay the electric bill?
Frank:
I did. Barely.
June:
Probably just the wind or something. OR... the secret military base down the road.
Frank:
There’s not a secret military base down the road.
June:
How would you know? It’s a ssssseeeeeecreeeeet.
Frank:
What are you doing tonight?
June:
It’s funny how you ask me that like there’s a series of Balls that I’ve been invited to.
Frank:
You’re going to the bar.
June:
I am, are you coming?
Frank:
I’m going to sit here for a while and try to convince myself that someone’s going to show up, then when I give up on that dream I’ll see you there.
June:
Okay, but if Edgy Steve’s there, no shop talk about the drug trade you big criminal, don’t bring your work home.
Frank:
Please leave.
June:
I love you.
Frank:
Love you.
Door opens and closes. After a moment the door opens again.
Frank:
What’d you forget?
June:
Hi.
Frank:
June?
June:
Remember our fun jokes about you being in the drug trade?
Frank:
Like it was yesterday.
June:
That was fun right?
Frank:
I had a great time.
June:
That was some fun humor to try and get you to not freak out about things like you usually do.
Frank:
June.
June:
So keep that in mind when I tell you that there’s a woman passed out in the parking lot.
Frank:
What?
June:
Yeah.
Door opens and we move outside. we hear Crickets and a distant freeway. June and Frank approach the woman on the ground.
Frank:
Who is that?
June:
No idea.
Frank:
We don’t have any guests.
June:
She’s alive, I can see her breathing.
Frank:
Ma’am?
June:
Ma’am?
Frank:
Ma’am can you hear me?
June:
Ma’am are you wasted?
Frank:
What are you doing?
June:
I don’t know.
Frank:
I’m calling an ambulance. You didn’t see a woman passed out in the parking lot?
June:
No, I walked out and she was there.
Frank:
What the fuck?
June:
Ma’am? It feels weird to call her “ma’am”.
Frank:
Yeah, we need an ambulance. Yeah, this is the horizon motel up on 211? Yeah. There’s a woman passed out in our parking lot. I don’t know. No, she’s not a guest she was just there all of a sudden... No she’s breathing, she’s not waking up though.
June:
Hey lady? No, that feels mean.
Frank:
Frank Simmons... Okay... yeah, at this number... Okay.
June:
Hey girlfriend.
Frank:
What are you doing?
June:
I don’t know.
The woman suddenly GASPS and sits up.
June:
Oh shit!
Frank:
Fuck... Ma’am, are you okay?
June:
We called an ambulance, okay?
Frank:
... Ma’am?
Woman:
... Is that... the sky?
We TRANSITION to a hospital emergency room. Phones ringing and nurses running back and forth.
Nurse:
(Over intercom.) Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
Frank:
Sorry if I screwed up your evening.
June:
No, this is fun. If you go to the bar every night you run out of stories to tell at the bar, y’know?
Frank:
Sure.
June:
What do you think she was on?
Frank:
On?
June:
She was on something, right?
Frank:
I don’t know.
June:
“Is that the sky?” That’s not what sober people say.
Frank:
I don’t know.
June:
Is it mushroom season? When’s mushroom season? She was probably on mushrooms.
Frank:
How did she get in our parking lot? There were no cars going by, right?
June:
I don’t think so. Excuse me, nurse? When’s mushroom season?
Frank:
The only thing in front of us is the 211. Behind us is the woods. She either came from the woods or the Highway.
Nurse:
(Over intercom.) Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
June:
I’m going with mushrooms. Her and her friends were off in the woods doing mushrooms and she wandered off.
Frank:
Yeah, you’re probably right.
June:
Did she say anything else in the ambulance?
Frank:
No.
June:
That’s not safe. Hallucinating in the woods how can that be a good trip?
Frank:
Where else are they supposed to go?
June:
This is a business opportunity. “Hey, kids. Sick of the woods coming to life and trying to eat you while you’re tripping your nuts off? Come to the horizon motel.”
Frank:
I just learned that I’m running a Meth Lodge, you want to add the mushroom people to that?
June:
I mean, you can’t be MORE of a drug hot spot, you either are or you aren’t. Might as well own it.
Frank:
You’ve had zero business ideas since I took this place over but suddenly there’s illegal narcotics involved and you’ve had two in one night.
June:
I go where the money is.
Frank:
You live in central Oregon, that’s not where the money is.
June:
I was born here, I’m not going to go live somewhere else, that’s exhausting... Was she wearing a jumpsuit?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
Like a Jiffy Lube type thing right?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
What’s that about?
Frank:
No idea.
June:
Was there a name tag or anything?
Frank:
No. They couldn’t find any ID on her.
Nurse:
(Over intercom.) Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
June:
That is the third time Dr. Nate has gotten his third call. Someone needs to crack the whip on that guy.
Frank:
... I feel weird.
June:
Me too.
Frank:
This is really weird right?
June:
Yeah. Confirmed. It’s fun, though.
Frank:
Is it?
June:
Yeah. We got a little mystery dropped in our lap. It’s fun. You know how people come through town from California or whatever and they’re on a road trip looking for some kind of Twin Peaks vibe?
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
Because if you’re not from here you think that’s what it’s like, right? You think there’s a well meaning Sheriff and a mystery in the woods.
Frank:
They do.
June:
When actually it’s just...
Frank:
Sad.
June:
It’s just kind of sad and the Sheriff is a fucking asshole and everyone needs a shower.
Frank:
And everyone’s dog is mean.
June:
Everyone’s dog is mean. Anyway that’s what it’s really like but now look at us. A mysterious woman has emerged from the woods... Favorite Twin Peaks character, go.
Frank:
Uh... Ed.
June:
You’re totally an Ed person. Guess mine.
Frank:
... Dr. Jacoby.
June:
No way. Audrey Horne.
Frank:
Really?
June:
We’re both sex pots.
Frank:
I see.
June:
We’re pots of sex.
Frank:
I’m going to go check on her. I’m allowed to do that, right?
June:
Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s paying attention to us, I think you can do whatever you want.
Frank:
I’ll be right back.
Nurse:
(Over intercom.) Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
June:
(To the entire emergency room.) Okay, Dr. Nate? Let’s get it together Doctor, she’s calling you for the third time for the fourth time. What if someone’s dying?
Frank:
She’s gone.
June:
What?
Frank:
She’s gone, there’s nobody in there.
June:
Did they move her?
Frank:
They had her on some fluids, the IV is just laying on the ground.
June:
Shit, did she escape?
Frank:
I didn’t see her leave, did you?
June:
No.
Frank:
What the fuck is happening?
June:
I don’t know.
Nurse:
(Over intercom.) Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
We transition back to the horizon hotel. the phone is ringing.
Frank:
Horizon Motel?... Okay... No, I’m sorry, we’re all booked up that day, that whole week actually, do you want me to put you on the wait list in case someone cancels?... Okay... got it, I’ll give you a call in case anyone cancels, thanks!
Door opens.
June:
The joint. She is jumping.
Frank:
Come in here.
June:
I’ve never seen this many cars in the parking lot.
Frank:
Do you recall a conversation we had a few months ago? You said I should open up the motel to people who wanted to safely trip on mushrooms?
June:
Sorry, I don’t recall that conversation.
Frank:
We were at the hospital, we dropped off a woman, she disappeared?
June:
Yeah, it’s not ringing a bell.
Frank:
We’ve been booked solid for two weeks.
June:
It’s great right?
Frank:
There are definitely several people here tonight who are high on mushrooms.
June:
No. Really?
Frank:
What have you done?
June:
Me?
Frank:
Yes, you.
June:
Frank, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Frank:
June.
June:
... I may have put the word out there.
Frank:
What word did you put out there?
June:
Nothing, just that, y’know, the Horizon Motel was a safe space.
Frank:
You told people to come get high here?
June:
That it was a safe space.
Frank:
A safe space for what?
June:
For getting high.
Frank:
Goddamn it.
June:
You were going out of business, Frank.
Frank:
The sheriff’s department is going to start raiding us. Then no one will want to come here and THEN we’ll go out of business.
June:
Do you want to go out of business quietly or do it in a blaze of glory?
Frank:
Neither. I wanted neither of those things. I wanted a third thing.
June:
There’s no third thing.
Frank:
How do you know?
June:
Frank, it’s going to be fine. It’s going to be great, they’re going to write songs about this place.
Frank:
This isn’t the Chelsea Hotel.
June:
Not with that attitude. Come outside.
Frank:
I don’t want to go outside, it smells weird.
June:
Come outside.
Frank:
It’s like Burning Man with trees out there.
June:
Come on. Summer’s almost over, soon it will be rainy and shitty, come outside.
Frank:
Fine.
The door opens. We hear music playing from one of the rooms. The sounds of about 5 small parties.
June:
Come on. Isn’t this great?
Frank:
What is that smell?
June:
Don’t ask about the smell.
Frank:
Is something on fire?
June:
Nothing that isn’t supposed to be.
Frank:
...Okay... Okay, fine. What now?
June:
Frankie, this is your intervention.
Frank:
Oh it is?
June:
Yes.
Frank:
I am definitely not the one in the vicinity that needs an intervention. Room 9 maybe?
June:
You’ve been different since the funeral.
Frank:
... Yeah, it was my Dad’s funeral.
June:
I know. It was tough for all of us but... I read something.
Frank:
YOU read something?
June:
I read. It was about grief. It was about losing a loved one.
Frank:
June-
June:
And it said that sometimes when a person loses a loved one they can, as a way of coping, take on the personality traits of the person they’ve lost... Uncle Pete was a pretty buttoned up guy... like literally. He’s the only guy I knew who used the top button of his shirt.
Frank:
Okay.
June:
And you’ve been a little, y’know, top button of your shirt these days and so I wanted to drag you out here and say: “Hey. Stop it.”
Frank:
Is this why you’ve turned my hotel into a drug den?
June:
A little. Look I’m not expecting you to rip your shirt off and run through the woods or anything I’m just saying, I would like my cousin Frank to remain my cousin Frank, is all.
Frank:
Okay. I will remain cousin Frank.
June:
Thank you.
The Woman:
Hi.
Frank:
...Holy shit.
June:
Is that... Is that who I think it is?
Frank:
It is.
June:
Well, shit. Hey there.
The Woman:
Do you remember me?
June:
...Well, last time we saw you, you were unconscious in our parking lot. Kind of sticks in your memory.
The Woman:
I guess so.
Frank:
Are... you okay?
The Woman:
Yeah... I... I’m really sorry... about all that.
June:
It broke up the monotony.
The Woman:
Okay.
Frank:
You disappeared from the hospital.
The Woman:
Yeah. Sorry about that. It just kind of happened.
June:
Happens to me all the time. “Whoops I disappeared from the hospital”.
Frank:
I guess we were confused more than anything.
The Woman:
I mean... me too...
Frank:
I’m Frank, this is my cousin, June.
The Woman:
Hi...
Frank:
So... What happened to you?
The Woman:
Um... I brought this six pack of beer here, I heard that’s a thing people do, is that a thing people do?
Frank:
Sure.
June:
Sure.
The Woman:
Can I give you one?
Rummaging around in a bag.
Frank:
You know, we don’t allow alcohol here, just hard drugs apparently.
June:
Don’t listen to him. Give me one.
The Woman:
Okay.
Three beers open.
June:
So, what’s your name?
The Woman:
... Clementine.
June:
Okay. Interesting.
The Woman:
Is that a good name?
Frank:
Is it good?
The Woman:
I... I picked it myself.
June:
Oh really?
Frank:
She picked it herself.
June:
She’s like a nun. Or Cher.
Frank:
What made you pick that name?
Clementine:
I like oranges.
June:
Satsuma was taken?
Clementine:
What?
Frank:
So, you’re okay then? We found you in our parking lot, we took you to the hospital, now you’re back. But you’re fine?
Clementine:
Uh...My name’s Clementine because I had to pick a name. I didn’t have one. One I could remember.
Frank:
Wait.
June:
Oh fuck, did you have amnesia?
Clementine:
That’s what it’s called, yes. When you found me here I had no idea who I was or where I was... Still don’t.
June:
...
Frank:
Wh...
June:
Okay...
Frank:
She has amnesia.
June:
She does, she has amnesia. I’m sorry, we were making fun of you a little bit just now because we thought that you were just kind of a kook, but it turns out you’ve got some damage to your brain.
Frank:
Shit.
Clementine:
It’s okay.
June:
Did any of it come back?
Clementine:
Not really. Small bits and pieces.
June:
Amnesia is really a thing, then. I thought it was just a thing in the movies.
Clementine:
It’s definitely a thing.
Frank:
That’s wild. I’m so sorry.
June:
So what do you remember?
Clementine:
Weird stuff.
Frank:
Like what?
Clementine:
Like... I know a lot about beets.
June:
Beets?
Clementine:
Yeah.
June:
What a random thing to remember.
Clementine:
I know, right?
Frank:
It’s been months. Have you just been wandering around trying to remember things?
Clementine:
Essentially.
June:
Just... around town?
Clementine:
...No. I’ve been... traveling. I’m uh, good at traveling apparently.
Frank:
Okay.
Clementine:
How long has it been? Since you found me?
Frank:
Uh...
June:
Six months?
Frank:
Yeah, about that.
Clementine:
That’s it?
Frank:
I think so.
Clementine:
It’s felt like a lot longer. There’s a lot more people here now.
Frank:
Everyone wanted to come to the site of the magical disappearing lady. They worship you as a God now.
Clementine:
What?
Frank:
I’m kidding.
June:
How’d you get out of the hospital? We were sitting right outside your room.
Clementine:
I don’t know. I don’t know how it all actually works.
Frank:
How what works?
Clementine:
Just... It was weird, I don’t remember much. I remember this place though. I’ve been wandering around trying to figure things out and I thought maybe I should come back here.
June:
Nice. Like a Hitchcock movie.
Clementine:
Who’s that?
June:
He’s a... guy who makes movies.
Frank:
How can we help?
Clementine:
I don’t know. Does anything stand out? From when I was here?
Frank:
Stand out?
June:
Pretty much the whole thing stands out.
Frank:
It was the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us.
Clementine:
Yeah.
Frank:
The jumpsuit.
June:
Right. You were wearing a jumpsuit. Like a coverall thing, like you were a mechanic.
Clementine:
Really?
Frank:
Yeah. When you disappeared from the hospital the police showed up and they took it I think. You could probably get it from the station, they probably have it in a box somewhere.
June:
I am just now realizing that, because you left your clothes behind, you escaped the hospital with your ass hanging out. Power move.
Clementine:
Oh...
Frank:
You said something when you first woke up.
Clementine:
I did?
Frank:
Yeah. “Is that the sky?”
Clementine:
Is that the sky?
Frank:
It was weird. It was, I know this sounds ridiculous but, you had this look on your face like... like you’d never seen it before.
Clementine:
The sky?
Frank:
Yeah.
Clementine:
Who’s never seen the sky before?
Frank:
I don’t know.
June:
Angler Fish.
Frank:
What?
June:
It’s a deep sea fish. Y’know? Angler fish, Coelacanth, Pacific Viper Fish. Never seen the sky. What?
Frank:
Are you a deep sea fish?
Clementine:
I hope not.
Frank:
Okay, well we eliminated that one.
June:
See, I’m helping.
Clementine:
Is that the sky?...
Frank:
Look, I’m sure it’s not like putting a hammer to a nail. I’m sure it’ll all come back to you soon.
Clementine:
I don’t know. You know that feeling that something’s right on the tip of your tongue?
Frank:
It feels like that?
Clementine:
No, it doesn’t. That’s the thing. It feels like... It feels like it’s gone.
June:
Well, in my experience things feel a certain way and then... then they don’t.
Frank:
That was beautiful, thank you.
June:
I know you think I’m not helping but I’m totally helping.
Clementine:
Look, don’t worry about it. I didn’t think coming here would change much, I just thought I’d give it a shot.
The phone rings inside the office.
Frank:
Fuck, that’s the phone. I’ll be right back.
June:
Just let it ring.
Frank:
I can’t let it ring, June, it’s probably federal agents. I’ll be right back.
Clementine:
... So you two are related?
June:
Yeah, we’re cousins. But my dad worked on a fishing boat and my mom worked late so I was over at their house a lot.
Clementine:
That’s nice.
June:
Yeah, being a sister-like cousin is great because I can constantly shift between big sister and little sister vibes. One minute I can be like “What do I do, Big Brother?” And then the next I can be like “Shut up! Do what I say!”.
Clementine:
Okay.
June:
Do you have any siblings?
Clementine:
Um.
June:
Shit, I can’t believe I just said that, I’m so sorry.
Clementine:
That’s okay. Maybe I do? What does it feel like to have siblings?
June:
Does it feel like there’s someone out there and only they can truly understand what your childhood was like?
Clementine:
No, I definitely don’t feel that way.
June:
Who knows, maybe they’re out there somewhere.
Clementine:
That would be nice...
June:
... What kind of beer is this? I’ve never seen it before. “Voyager”.
Clementine:
I just liked the name. I got it in a place called Tokyo.
June:
... A place called Tokyo?
Clementine:
Yeah.
June:
In Japan?
Clementine:
I don’t know...
June:
You don’t know? You... wait. You were in Tokyo.
Clementine:
...Yes.
June:
Which is several thousand miles away in Japan.
Clementine:
Oh...
June:
But you didn’t know that?
Clementine:
... I should go.
June:
Hang on.
Clementine rummages around in a bag.
Clementine:
I should go, you probably have stuff to do, it’s really busy.
June:
Wait a minute though.
Clementine:
I brought you something else, I just... I feel so bad about all the trouble I caused you. Here.
June:
What... is this?
Clementine:
I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, it just looked pretty so I thought, it looked like a gift so I would give it to you two.
June:
Clementine-
Clementine:
I’m going to go.
June:
Wait a minute-
Clementine:
Thank you. Thank you for finding me. Is it okay if I come back some time?
June:
Of course, but listen-
Clementine:
Okay. I need to go. I’ve got... I’ve got a lot to learn.
June:
Where did you get this?
Clementine walks off.
June:
Clementine?... What... in holy God...
Frank:
Hey, where’d she go?... June?
June:
She left.
Frank:
Where did she go?
June:
She just started walking toward the road.
Frank:
Just all of a sudden?
June:
Frank... something weird is going on.
Frank:
Well, yeah.
June:
She left us a gift, Frank.
Frank:
What?
June:
Here.
Frank:
...
June:
Uh huh.
Frank:
... This...
June:
Uh huh.
Frank:
This... looks like a bar of gold.
June:
It’s a gold bar. She gave us a gold bar.
Frank:
Is it real?
June:
Well let me get out my testing kit.
Frank:
What the fuck?
June:
What the fuck indeed, my friend.
Frank:
Who is this person?
June:
Rumplestiltskin maybe? What’s that writing say?
Frank:
The Perth Mint.
June:
Perth.
Frank:
Yeah.
June:
In Australia.
Frank:
I guess?
June:
Sure. You know that point you get to when so many weird things have happened that you just start shrugging your shoulders? I just arrived at that point.
Frank:
How much is this worth?
June:
Fuck, I don’t know, we don’t even know if it’s real.
Frank:
What is happening?
June:
Also, she got the beer in Tokyo, which she did not realize was thousands of miles across the ocean. Just to put a cherry on top of the weird Sunday.
Frank:
Which way did she go?
June:
She’s walking toward the highway.
Frank:
C’mon. This is insane.
They walk toward the highway.
June:
I was going to stop her, but a few pounds of gold in my hand, turns out, puts me in a bit of a state.
Frank:
Amnesiacs in the parking lot, my hotel is a drug hovel, now strangers bearing gold, what’s next?
June:
I don’t know, can I hold it again while we’re walking? It’s a good feeling.
Frank:
Here.
June:
...Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. Amazing.
Frank:
Don’t get attached to it, it might be stolen.
June:
Do you want to come home with Mommy, Gold Baby?
Frank:
June.
A simi truck roars by.
Frank:
Do you see her?
June:
I don’t.
Frank:
Well... where the fuck did she go?
June:
Maybe she hitched a ride?
Frank:
In 60 seconds?
June:
I don’t know.
Frank:
How... What is happening?
June:
(Laughing.) I don’t know.
Frank:
(Also laughing.) What the fuck? An amnesiac just swung by and gave us beer from Japan and a gold bar from Australia.
June:
It’s like we’re trapped in a MadLib.
Frank:
Oh, my God...
June:
... Well... What now?
Another simi truck roars by and we slowly transition to the silence of snowfall. The door to the office opens and we hear music inside. Feet in the snow approach.
June:
Hey.
Frank:
Hey.
June:
What do you think, do you think winter’s here?
Frank:
I feel like the snow is a clear indicator that winter is here, yes.
June:
Aren’t we usually full of skiers right now?
Frank:
There’s a jack-knifed truck a few miles back. People have been stuck for hours.
June:
Really excited about how grumpy they’re going to be when they check in.
Frank:
It’s going to be great.
June:
... We’ve never skied... Isn’t that weird? Most of our lives in the shadow of the misty mountain and we’ve never skied.
Frank:
Way I see it, life itself is already a too-fast careening down a mountain without any breaks, why do it twice?
June:
Easy there, Cormac McCarthy... What are you looking at?
A car drives by.
Frank:
There.
June:
What?
Frank:
That same car keeps driving by.
June:
It does? Are you sure?
Frank:
Yeah. Yellow Chevy Chevelle.
June:
How many times?
Frank:
Four times today.
June:
Huh.
Frank:
You didn’t dump someone, did you? Are you being stalked?
June:
I don’t FEEL stalked. What’s the big deal?
Frank:
Nothing... Nothing, it’s fine... Are all the faucets running a little bit?
June:
Yes, I still think that’s weird, but all the faucets are running just a little.
Frank:
It keeps them from freezing up.
June:
How? If water wants to freeze, it’s going to freeze.
Frank:
The pipes have water in them even if they’re not being used, if you keep it moving they can’t freeze up.
June:
That might be the most I’ve-been-an-old-man-since-I-was-twelve thing you’ve ever said.
Frank:
Doesn’t make it not true.
June:
Okay.
Frank:
... I am... finally ready to talk about the gold bar.
June:
... No.
Frank:
Yes.
June:
Finally.
Frank:
I realize it’s been a while.
June:
A while since the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us? Yes, it has.
Frank:
It scared the shit out of me.
June:
Everything scares the shit out of you.
Frank:
No, it doesn’t.
June:
Sorry. Most things.
Frank:
Did it ever occur to you that the reason I have to freak out about things like, I don’t know, a random huge bar of gold being dropped in our lap, is because you don’t freak out about it enough.
June:
No, but also my brain isn’t made of bees like yours is.
Frank:
What?
June:
Buzz buzz buzz all the time.
Frank:
Whatever. Look, I’ve gone back and forth about it, I think we need to call the police and just tell them everything.
June:
Really?
Frank:
Yes.
June:
For months we’ve been sitting here with a giant gold bar in our safe and all you’ve come up with is the most boring option?
Frank:
It was the first thing I thought to do and then I eventually came back around to it. Look we just tell the sheriff’s department that we didn’t know what to do so we hung onto it in case she came back for it. She’s now obviously not coming back for it so we decided to call the police.
June:
I’m just... I’m so disappointed in you. After all this time.
Frank:
What if it belongs to someone and they’re looking for it?
June:
What? Are you worried there’s some impoverished family somewhere that’s starving because they can’t find their bar of gold?
Frank:
I don’t know. June, do you know what the price of gold per ounce is? I looked it up.
June:
What is it?
Frank:
It’s like fifteen-hundred dollars an ounce.
June:
Wow.
Frank:
That bar is the size of a sleeve of saltines. Do you know how many ounces that is?
June:
Sounds like a lot.
Frank:
It is a lot. What do you want me to do, put it in the bank?
June:
Of course not.
Frank:
What’s your idea, then?
June:
Melt it down.
Frank:
... Melt it down how? Find a blacksmith?
June:
Yes.
Frank:
There are no more blacksmiths.
June:
I know a guy.
Frank:
Oh God.
June:
We used to date. He’s super hot, but he wanted me to raise chickens or something he’s a weird guy.
Frank:
How did you wind up dating a blacksmith?
June:
Frankie, it’s central Oregon, do you know how many people there are in those woods practicing professions that have been obsolete for a hundred years? It’s the making-soap-from-beef-tallow Capitol of the world around here.
Frank:
Who the hell is this?
June:
You know him.
Frank:
... No.
June:
Yep.
Frank:
T.S.?
June:
Yep.
Frank:
T.S. is a blacksmith.
June:
Think about it for a second, it all makes sense.
Frank:
...T.S. is a terrible name for a blacksmith.
June:
That’s because you don’t know what the T.S. stands for, do you want to know what it stands for?
Frank:
No.
June:
Tarvok Stormbringer.
Frank:
What?!
June:
He had it legally changed, it’s on his driver’s license.
Frank:
Why?!
June:
I don’t know it’s from some book or something.
Frank:
He went through all the trouble to change his name and then calls himself T.S.?
June:
It’s even funnier that he kept his last name, so his legal name is Tarvok Stormbringer LeClerque.
Frank:
Oh my God... Sure, great idea. Let’s trust our thousands of dollars of gold to the guy who rides a Gryphon to work in the morning.
June:
It’s more on-brand than you think it is. I mean, “What do I do with all my gold” is kind of a fantasy novel problem.
Frank:
What kind of world are we living in where having a bunch of gold is a problem?
Clementine:
(From on top of the roof.) I thought it was a nice gesture.
Frank:
Oh shit.
June:
Clementine!
Frank:
What are you doing on the roof?
Clementine:
It’s nice up here.
Frank:
HOW did you get on the roof?
Clementine:
How do you know I haven’t been here the whole time?
Frank:
I mean... at this point I’d believe anything.
June:
How’d you get past the wreck on the highway?
Clementine:
Well, I was on my moped so I just zipped right through.
Frank:
What?
Clementine:
I’m kidding, Frank.
Frank:
Oh.
June:
I had no idea there was roof access, I’m going to be up there all the time now.
Frank:
Please don’t.
June:
You seem different, Clementine. Did you get your memory back?
Clementine:
I didn’t. I did learn alllllll sorts of other things though.
June:
Like what?
Frank:
Okay, hang on. Clementine... What the fuck?
Clementine:
What?
Frank:
There’s a bar of gold in our safe, Clementine.
Clementine:
Yeah.
Frank:
And then you just vanished.
Clementine:
I did.
Frank:
And now you show up. On our roof.
Clementine:
Okay.
Frank:
So I repeat: What the fuck?
Clementine:
It’s funny, isn’t it? Unexpected gifts. Things come to us out of thin air and then we... well we just reject them, don’t we? “This good thing can’t be happening. It has to be a bad thing in disguise. I better not accept it. I better treat it like a bad thing, I better worry about it and yell at people and if anyone tries to congratulate me for this good thing that happened out of the blue I better shut them down.”... Right? Or we could do something else couldn’t we? We could just say thanks. Enjoy it. Why don’t we do that?
Frank:
Because nothing is ever just one thing, Clementine. The world’s not that simple.
Clementine:
But I want it to be.
Frank:
Me too. Doesn’t really matter what I want, though.
Clementine:
... He’s kind of a pill, isn’t he?
June:
He is. It’s why I love him.
Frank:
Why don’t you get down from the roof and tell us some things, Clementine?
Clementine:
Okay.
Frank:
Don’t jump-
Clementine’s feet hit the ground.
June:
Nice dismount.
Frank:
Are you okay?
Clementine:
I’m fine.
June:
You want a jacket or something, Clementine?
Clementine:
What for?
June:
For, y’know, winter?
Clementine:
I’m fine.
Frank:
Come inside.
Clementine:
Okay, fine.
We move inside the office.
Frank:
I don’t know what the deal is.
We hear buttons pressing on a safe.
Frank:
Maybe you’re some sort of heiress or something, maybe the is a Patty Hearst situation, I don’t know.
Gold bar thuds down on the front desk.
Frank:
Okay. One bar of gold. Start talking.
June:
Frank, c’mon. She’s got amnesia.
Frank:
You may not remember some things but we’re not getting the full story are we?
Clementine:
... It really is beautiful, isn’t it? One thing I did learn: I learned that gold is made inside of a star. It cooks inside a star for billions of years. Then when the star finally grows old and dies, it coughs up all the gold and sends it flying across the universe... Gold is the dying breath of a star.
June:
That’s cool. I didn’t know that.
Clementine:
What if I told you that’s where I got it from? That I was there when a star died and I caught some of its gold, some of that dying breath. And then I found a man in Australia who could take what I found and press it into this little bar for you. This gold has travelled a long way to get here, Frank.
Frank:
Clementine. Tell us what’s going on.
The radio crackles and buzzes.
Zebulon:
(In the radio.) In the meantime, when so many thousands of the people had gathered together that they were trampling one another, he began to say to his disciples first,
Clementine:
What is that voice?
Frank:
Clementine, come on.
Zebulon:
(In the radio.) “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.
Clementine:
You don’t hear that?
June:
We don’t hear anything.
Clementine:
From the radio.
Zebulon:
(In the radio.) Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the rooftops.
Frank:
It’s just some music, Clementine.
Zebulon:
(In the radio.) “I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!
Clementine:
I have to go.
Frank:
Jesus Christ.
June:
Clementine.
Clementine:
That’s not my name.
Frank:
What?
Clementine:
I have to go.
June:
Are you okay?
Clementine rushes out the door.
Frank:
I’m sick of this shit, what the fuck?
They exit the office. Clementine is nowhere to be found.
June:
Clementine?!
Frank:
Where...
June:
Clementine?!
Frank:
She’s gone.
June:
Where the fuck did she go?... Jesus... Okay... Okay, look maybe I haven’t been taking this seriously enough... She’s fucking gone... Frank?... Frank, what the fuck is going on?
Frank:
There’s that car again...
A distant car passes by the motel and then speeds off.
The sound of horses and horse-drawn carriages on the road below. We hear a knock on the door.
Abraham Lincoln:
Yes, come in.
Door creaks open.
John:
Mr. President?
Abraham Lincoln:
What is it, John?
John:
I’m afraid the first lady will not be able to join you this evening.
Abraham Lincoln:
Is that right?
John:
I’m afraid so.
Abraham Lincoln:
I will forever be envious of her ability to wriggle her way out of things.
John:
It is rather inconvenient that the American people have elected you and not her, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln:
I agree. So I’m to attend this evening as some sort of unshaven bachelor, then.
John:
Not as such, Mr. President, no.
Abraham Lincoln:
How’s that?
John:
The keeping up of appearances is, of course, very important in matters of State.
Abraham Lincoln:
What form of roundabout explanation has begun just now?
John:
On the global stage we may appear to be a bit battered and bruised, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln:
I agree with you, John, it was a very impolite war.
John:
So it behooves us to project certain airs.
Abraham Lincoln:
Airs?
John:
We don’t want the nations of the world, namely our enemies, thinking that we have been weakened by strife.
Abraham Lincoln:
We have been weakened by strife, John.
John:
Indeed we have, but we don’t want others to think it so, surely you agree.
Abraham Lincoln:
I agree.
John:
Appropriate that we’re seeing a play this evening. I propose a bit of stagecraft.
Abraham Lincoln:
Stagecraft? John, will I be wearing makeup at some point this evening?
John:
No, Mr. President but we will be putting on a bit of a show. A play within a play if you will.
Abraham Lincoln:
John, you have officially exhausted me, what am I to be doing this evening?
John:
Simply projecting an air of confidence and virility, while attending this evenings events with an ambassador.
Abraham Lincoln:
Ambassador? From where?
John:
Luxembourg.
Abraham Lincoln:
Luxembourg. That is a nation?
John:
So they say. A young one, but, there it lies, right in the middle of Europe.
Abraham Lincoln:
I see. A new nation?
John:
A bit, yes. Achieved their independence from France roughly twenty years past.
Abraham Lincoln:
Luxembourg.
John:
Luxembourg.
Abraham Lincoln:
You wish me to attend the play this evening with an ambassador from a nation hardly out of its infancy, so as to project airs of... what are these airs again?
John:
Confidence.
Abraham Lincoln:
Confident airs. For the ambassador from Luxembourg.
John:
A masterstroke in diplomacy, to be sure.
Abraham Lincoln:
... Very well. What’s their name?
John:
Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg.
Abraham Lincoln:
A woman?
John:
She is.
Abraham Lincoln:
A female ambassador?
John:
She appears to be.
Abraham Lincoln:
That’s unusual, isn’t it?
John:
Well, they were French not too long ago, certain behaviors do tend to linger.
Abraham Lincoln:
Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg.
John:
It is the one thing I miss about our former European ties. So many lords and ladies and countesses. We should consider having some of those in America.
Abraham Lincoln:
I thought that’s why we created senators.
John:
They don’t dress as well.
Abraham Lincoln:
... Very well. Spending the evening with a countess. Not bad for a country lawyer.
John:
And could you meet with her briefly before the affair this evening?
Abraham Lincoln:
Will this work never be completed, John?
John:
Well, there is always the grave, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln:
Ah, that sounds nice.
John:
Shall I show her in?
Abraham Lincoln:
Please.
Door opens and the countess walks in.
Clementine:
(Speaking with an accent.) Mr. President. So lovely to meet you.
Abraham Lincoln:
Countess Jacqetta of Luxembourg, I presume.
Clementine:
I am honored to be in your presence.
Abraham Lincoln:
I am honored to be in yours. Your title does roll off the tongue much easier than “Mr. President”.
Clementine:
The difference being, yours was earned and mine simply given.
Abraham Lincoln:
So to what do I owe a diplomatic visit from the Kingdom of Luxembourg?
Clementine:
We are a young nation, as you are, and we wished to learn from you.
Abraham Lincoln:
Learn from our mistakes, you mean.
Clementine:
Of course not. We admire your nation.
Abraham Lincoln:
We’re not much to admire at the moment, Countess. We are, in fact, quite a mess at the moment.
Clementine:
And yet you endure.
Abraham Lincoln:
Yes... yes I suppose we do.
Clementine:
We are a nation created by disagreement. The Belgians, the Germans, the French, they all insist we belong to them. When they are unable to agree we were suddenly left to our own devices. And now I stand before you.
Abraham Lincoln:
Disagreement does tend to create a nation or two, does it not?
Clementine:
Yes.
Abraham Lincoln:
Though I am glad our current disagreement did not create two nations.
Clementine:
As am I.
Abraham Lincoln:
Countess, if you will allow me some expediency?
Clementine:
Of course.
Abraham Lincoln:
Due to the particulars of my tenure, I have not had the time I would have liked to devote to foreign affairs.
Clementine:
This is understandable.
Abraham Lincoln:
Though, in the time I have had, I have discovered one truth: that no foreign dignitary ever requested to meet just to say hello. Do we have business, you and I?
Clementine:
... No business.
Abraham Lincoln:
Countess, that is simply not true.
Clementine:
... I am searching for something.
Abraham Lincoln:
I see. And what is that?
Clementine:
... I do not know.
Abraham Lincoln:
Ah. Well that is not what I expected you to say.
Clementine:
Have you had this feeling? Searching without knowing what you search for?
Abraham Lincoln:
Certainly.
Clementine:
And how did you go about this? This searching without a proper goal?
Abraham Lincoln:
Start with a word. That’s what I like to do. You can use one word and one word only that describes what’s absent. Give it a try.
Clementine:
... Home.
Abraham Lincoln:
Aha. Well there is a word that is far more elusive than one might think. One of those words that’s a feeling disguised as a place. I do hate that.
Clementine:
What do you suggest as a remedy?
Abraham Lincoln:
Hmm... Art.
Clementine:
Art?
Abraham Lincoln:
Yes. I’ve been told that you’re to accompany me this evening to see a play. I’ve found that art does illuminate the places in one’s soul that have dwelled in darkness.
Clementine:
What is this play?
Abraham Lincoln:
Our American Cousin. I’m sure it’s quite bad, in truth. But bad art and good can equally illuminate, though one is certainly more enjoyable than the other.
Clementine:
I look forward to it.
Abraham Lincoln:
As do I, Countess. Until then...
We hear a crowd’s laughter. The scene moves to the play that evening: Our american COusin.
Clementine:
(Whispering.) I do not yet feel illuminated.
Abraham Lincoln:
(Whispering.) Give it time.
We hear light footsteps behind the president. Then the cocking of a pistol. Then...
Gloria:
Move move move move move move MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! OOF!
John Wilkes Booth:
UUG!
The pistol fires into the air. Audience members scream.
Gloria:
Gimmie that gun!
John Wilkes Booth:
Unhand me woman!
Clementine:
Oh my goodness!
Abraham Lincoln:
What in the world!?
Gloria:
Gimmie that gun! RRRRRRR!
John Wilkes Booth:
Stop biting me!
Gloria:
WHOA!
Abraham Lincoln:
Guards!
Gloria:
I got the gun! He’s getting away!
John wilkes booth leaps down to the stage.
Gloria:
(Taunting him.) I got your gun cabrón!
John Wilkes Booth:
Sic semper tyranus!
Gloria:
Oh whatever! You’re a shitty rebel, Chancho Villa!
Abraham Lincoln:
What is the meaning of this?!
Gloria:
Oh, hey, Mr. President.
John:
Who is this? Guards, seize this woman.
Gloria:
Whoa.
Caspar:
(Southern accent.) Calm down, everyone, calm down. Mr. President my name is Julius Bohannon, I am a member of your secret service. We have this disturbing situation well in hand.
John:
We were not informed that the Pinkertons were here this evening!
Caspar:
My apologies Mr. Hay, we had to move in secret so as not to cause this particular groundhog to dive back beneath the Earth as it were.
John:
You let an assassin get this close to the President?!
Caspar:
Well we certainly got there before you all did now didn’t we?
Gloria:
That was fun.
Caspar:
I do apologize for the chicanery Mr. President. We did not want to alert Mr. Booth to our presence so we created a foil for him in the guise of this tiny Spanish woman.
Gloria:
Hey.
Caspar:
This is our agent- shit we forgot to give you a name.
Gloria:
Do we have to-
Caspar:
Esmeralda Villalobos.
Gloria:
Pulp Fiction, seriously?
Caspar:
Sorry. He never suspected a thing. Gentlemen, our documentation.
Abraham Lincoln:
Well in that case, I suppose I owe you two a debt.
Caspar:
Not at all Mr. President, all in a days work. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a bit of cleaning up to do.
Abraham Lincoln:
Ma’am, I can’t thank you enough.
Gloria:
No problem, Abe.
Caspar:
Don’t call him Abe.
Gloria:
Hey. Listen. Forty acres and a mule, you hear me?
John:
I’m sending the guards after this assassin immediately.
Caspar:
Oh, not to worry, Mr. Hay. We have a man on it.
Gloria:
Forty acres and a mule, Abe!
Caspar:
Let’s go!
An alley outside the ford theater. We can still hear muffled sounds of panic. A back door opens and we hear feet on cobblestone.
Leif:
You the guy looking for a horse?
John Wilkes Booth:
Who are you?
Leif:
I’m Leif.
John Wilkes Booth:
You’re not the man I was meant to meet, where is he?
Leif:
He had a thing.
John Wilkes Booth:
What?
Leif:
Look, do you want the horse or not?
John Wilkes Booth:
Very well.
He climbs up on top of the horse.
John Wilkes Booth:
Thank you for this, my friend. The south will rise again.
Leif:
Sure.
The horse trots off into the night.
Leif:
(Singing to himself.) I wish I was in the land of cotton...
A detonator begins beeping.
Leif:
Old times there are not forgotten look away-
Leif presses the detonator. Off in the distance, John WIlkes booth screams and explodes. The horse neighs and runs off.
Leif:
Look away, look away, look away, dixie land...
Me move to the diner. Ava is making notes.
Song:
Effie:
Ava, what are you pouring your thoughts into over there?
Ava:
It’s kind of hard to explain.
Effie:
... Ava do you mean it’s hard to explain or it’s hard to explain to us?
Ava:
It’s a map.
Effie:
Oh. That’s not so hard, is it? A map of what?
Ava:
Everything.
Effie:
Come again?
Zebulon:
I believe you’ll need more pages in that book then.
Ava:
It’s not an actual map, it’s just kind of a concept.
Effie:
Of everything.
Ava:
Yes. A friend of mine discovered something and no one would believe her. I didn’t either for a while, but now I’m pretty sure she was right.
Effie:
Why wouldn’t anyone believe her?
Ava:
Well, in science there’s sort of a marketplace of ideas. You had a tractor back home, right?
Zebulon:
Oh yes. Very nice one.
Effie:
We called it Sampson.
Ava:
What did you have before that?
Zebulon:
We always had Sampson but before that my father just had a mule.
Effie:
That was also named Sampson.
Zebulon:
It was an homage.
Ava:
Okay, so tractors came along and you didn’t need the mule anymore right? Which I’m sure was good news for everyone but the guy who sold the mules. The scientific world can, sometimes, be full of mule salesmen who are always skeptical about tractors.
Effie:
I see. So your friend, she invented a tractor in a world full of mule sellers.
Ava:
Exactly.
Effie:
So what is the shape and size of this tractor, exactly?
Ava:
Well... How did the universe begin? In the bible?
Effie:
... Dear, she’s asking us about the Bible.
Zebulon:
Yes, no sudden movements, we may scare her away.
Ava:
C’mon.
Zebulon:
Well, Ava, it’s interesting. There are, in fact, dueling theories on the beginning of all things.
Ava:
Really?
Zebulon:
Yes. There are two interpretations of how the Lord created the world entire. They are called “Logos” and “ Agon”.
Ava:
Speech and Struggle?
Zebulon:
Precisely. In one interpretation, with speech alone God created the world. He spoke and matter itself would bend to his will, and through his words the world came to be. And the other interpretation, Struggle, involved a great battle.
Effie:
That one talks of God as a warrior, and the world before him was one of chaos. He brought order to the chaos by defeating great sea monsters and such.
Zebulon:
Mot, Yam, Tannin, and Leviathan. The Psalms read: “You it was who smashed Yam with your might, who battered the heads of the monsters in the waters; You it was who crushed the heads of Leviathan, who left them for food for the denizens of the desert.”
Ava:
That second one’s way cooler.
Effie:
I like it too, it makes me feel better about my hatred for catfish.
Zebulon:
But if you’re speaking of a map of all creation, for us it is never truly settled. The old Israelites believed the world to be like a great disc floating in a great ocean, but then that began to change.
Ava:
Why did it change?
Zebulon:
Well, because of the arrival of people such as you, Ava. Men built great looking glasses that peered into the sky and our concept of the ground we stand on began to slowly change, and thus did our concept of its beginnings.
Ava:
C’mon Mucklewains, I thought it was the word of God, I thought it was immutable.
Zebulon:
Yes, well...
Effie:
We, in fact... well we believe that holy scripture was written by God’s children and not God himself.
Zebulon:
Which can get one into trouble in certain circles.
Effie:
There is the word and there is the world. And we find both to be perfect.
Zebulon:
But then there is the word and its interpretation.
Effie:
And one cannot interpret without putting at least a bit of oneself into it. And we are, by design, imperfect, therefore so shall our interpretations be.
Ava:
Then how do you ever know what to believe?
Zebulon:
That is the journey, Ava. And the fuel for that journey is faith.
Effie:
So tell us, what was your friend’s interpretation of everything?
Ava:
She described it like a play. The beginning of all things is like a curtain rising. And every particle in the universe is a player in a great piece of theatre. And then eventually the curtain falls. That’s not much different from what any other cosmologist would say. What my friend proved was that, also like a play, the curtain comes up again the next night. Sometimes the play is the same, sometimes it’s different, but it continues on and on into eternity... and somehow all of that has something to do with a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. Which is hilarious.
Effie:
Well, it’s a nice story but there’s no sea monsters in it.
Door chime.
Caspar:
-And then Gloria looks at him and says “Forty acres and a mule, Abe.”
Leif:
To his face?
Caspar:
Looking right at him. Number 16 himself.
Zebulon:
Welcome back, y’all.
Gloria:
Just saved the republic, no big deal.
Leif:
It was pretty satisfying.
Caspar:
Gloria bit John Wilkes Booth.
Ava:
You BIT him?
Gloria:
Let it be known, I will bite all confederates.
Caspar:
It was the bite heard round the world. Nations were shook.
Gloria:
Caspar doing LITerally a Froghorn Leghorn impression.
Caspar:
Ma’am, that is Julius Bohannon. Southern Gentleman, freedom fighter, and cigarette holder user.
Leif:
This was my favorite by far.
Caspar:
This pales in comparison to when we convinced Andre the Giant to run for French Parliament and that was my favorite.
Gloria:
What is not my favorite are these clothes. I’m going to go change, this reconstruction era corset is some bullshit.
Caspar:
Ava. Mission completed. Look, we’re having a great time out there but please tell me we’re getting somewhere.
Ava:
Nothing definitive yet.
Leif:
Come on.
Caspar:
Ava, we’ve been at this for months.
Ava:
I know.
Caspar:
Leif broke Jean Genet out of prison, Gloria shut down the first McDonalds.
Ava:
I know.
Caspar:
I scared Catholic missionaries out of the Congo dressed as an evil gorilla, Ava.
Ava:
We may have only done that one because I wanted you wear a gorilla suit.
Caspar:
I knew it.
Leif:
Point is, we’re working our asses off out there.
Ava:
Look, the theory is sound: the more chaos we create out there, the more deviations in a timeline we create, the better.
Caspar:
I get it. We’re following Chuck’s plan. We make chaos and this thing, whatever it is-
Ava:
The Strange Attractor.
Caspar:
-Right, then it comes to us, but what does that even mean, what does it look like, what are we doing? How many Catholic missionaries do I have to scare away?
Zebulon:
Caspar, we must stay with the plan and have faith. There are no expedient paths to enlightenment.
Effie:
But many thanks for scaring those Catholics away, they’re like rabbits.
Leif:
As a side note, do we have any idea why we keep showing up at alternate Earths? This whole time all we’re doing is Earth stuff, that can’t be a coincidence.
Ava:
We don’t know that either.
Caspar:
I sure hope we’re not going through all this because you don’t want to admit that you’re wrong about something.
Ava:
I’m never wrong, Caspar, just waiting around for the moment that I’m right.
Caspar:
We’ve been waiting for that moment for a very long time.
Ava:
“I’m impatient” said the one hundred and seventy three year old man.
Caspar:
Turning John Wilkes Booth over to the authorities was very satisfying, but it’s not going to be satisfying the fifth time we do it.
Leif:
Oh. Say that again.
Caspar:
Turn John Wilkes Booth over to the authorities.
Leif:
Huh. Okay. Um. I didn’t do that.
Caspar:
You didn’t? What did you do?
Leif:
Y’know I... Killed him.
Ava:
Whoa.
Caspar:
What!?
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
That was not the plan.
Leif:
The plan was to save Lincoln. I thought I had dealer’s choice on Booth.
Caspar:
Dealers-... We’re not playing Omaha Hi Lo.
Gloria:
What’s happening?
Caspar:
Leif killed John Wilkes Booth.
Gloria:
Oh... Okay... You know I’m trying to feel a certain way about that but I got nothing. Is this what it’s like being Ava?
Ava:
Yes.
Caspar:
What did you do?
Leif:
You know, I met him in the alley with the horse, and as he was riding away I... I blew him up.
Caspar:
Leif!
Leif:
What?
Caspar:
You blew him up!?
Leif:
Why is that worse?
Caspar:
I don’t know?!
Gloria:
Is the horse okay?
Leif:
The horse is fine.
Gloria:
Good.
Caspar:
Effie, Zebulon. Help me out here.
Effie:
Leif. Murder is wrong.
Leif:
I know.
Effie:
... Alright, well good.
Caspar:
That’s it?! Zebulon?
Zebulon:
Yes I... hm. Well...
Leif:
Caspar, look. You’re the history buff. What was GOING to happen to him.
Caspar:
He was... going to go hide in a Barn in Port Royal and then get shot in the neck by a Union soldier a couple of days later.
Leif:
Okay. And was there some sort of impassioned speech at the end about tyranny or whatever?
Caspar:
... Yeah.
Leif:
Okay. So the outcome is the same, I just saved the world from having to hear an impassioned speech from a straight-up-evil dude.
Caspar:
Leif.
Leif:
Hey, no one’s given me credit yet for blowing up a dude on horseback and NOT killing the horse. That’s called precision demolition, it’s a lost art.
Caspar:
I feel weird about this.
Leif:
You’ll be fine.
Gloria:
Incoming.
Caspar:
What?
Gloria:
Somebody’s in the parking lot.
Caspar:
Who? Oh. It’s the fucking Ambassador from Luxembourg.
Gloria:
She’s having a weird day.
Leif:
She needs to get out of the parking lot, we’re going to jump soon.
Caspar:
Oh NOW you’re concerned for people.
Leif:
Innocent people, sure.
Caspar:
I’ll go talk to her.
Door chime. Caspar steps outside.
Caspar:
Good evening, Madam Ambassador. May I help you?
Clementine:
What an unusual building.
Caspar:
Yes. Architects these days. May I escort you back to town, you must be in quite a state considering this evening’s events.
Clementine:
I was so impressed with your heroism.
Caspar:
Ah, well. It was a group effort.
Clementine:
I am Countess Jacqetta of Luxembourg.
Caspar:
An honor to be in your presence, Countess. I am Julius Bohannon of the Shreveport Bohannons.
Clementine:
... Are you certain?
Caspar:
Am I certain of what?
Clementine:
Are you certain of who you say you are?
Caspar:
I’m quite certain.
Clementine:
I have excellent ability to detect deception.
Caspar:
Do you now?
Clementine:
Yes.
Caspar:
What would your sense of deception say about a woman calling herself Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg when Countess Jacquetta was murdered in the 15th century. She was thought to be a witch. Have you risen from the grave to enact your revenge on mankind, Countess?
Clementine:
(Dropping the accent.) Who are you?
Caspar:
(Dropping the accent.) Who are you?
Clementine:
What is this place?
Caspar:
Honestly, I have no idea.
Door chime.
Gloria:
What’s going on, Caspar?
Caspar:
Not sure.
Clementine:
Who are all of you?
Leif:
We run a diner.
Ava:
What’s happening?
Effie:
Dear, I have a very strange feeling.
Clementine:
What the hell is that?!
Caspar:
Honestly, we don’t know that either.
Clementine:
I don’t like this place. What is this place?
Gloria:
Calm down, just tell us your name.
Clementine:
Are you trying to stop me? I won’t stop.
Caspar:
Whoever you are, we think you may be doing something bad.
Clementine:
No... No, I’m too close.
Ava:
Too close to what?
Clementine:
Tell me who you are!
Gloria:
Lady. No. You first.
Clementine:
Never mind. I’ll find out for myself.
Clementine suddenly teleports away.
Leif:
Shit.
Ava:
See... Told you I’d be right eventually.
Gloria:
Okay. Everybody inside. Time to make plans.
We slowly transition to the sounds of a bust dmv office. A phone is ringing.
Caspar:
Hello?... Yeah, look I can’t talk about this right now, I’m slammed, okay? We’ll.... We’ll have to talk about it later, I’m not doing this now. Goodbye.
Caspar hangs up.
Caspar:
322? When you sign the wait list you need a first and last name okay? Clementine?
Clementine:
Yes. That’s me.
Caspar:
What’s your last name, Clementine?
Clementine:
Oh. I don’t have one.
Caspar:
You don’t have one.
Clementine:
No. Can I get one here?
Caspar:
No, Clementine, you cannot get a last name at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Clementine:
Yes... Yes, I think there is, Caspar.
End of chapter 21.