MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 18: Farmhouse
Wind blowing in tall grass. Feet walking though the grass slowly approach.
Ava:
Hello?
Shel:
Hi.
Ava:
Oh! Shel! Jesus! Fuck!
Shel:
Y’know. It’s not my fault that I blend in with most landscapes.
Ava:
You’re right. I’m sorry. Remind me at some point to put a bell around your neck.
Shel:
So… here we are.
Ava:
Yeah.
Shel:
Which is where?
Ava:
No idea.
Shel:
On a scale from 1 to “I’m insane now”, how weird is this for you?
Ava:
It’s up there. One second we’re in the diner, the next we’re… in a field I guess?
Shel:
So what happened?
Ava:
No idea.
Shel:
It seemed like you knew something right before we disappeared.
Ava:
Yeah, I kind of did, but I wasn’t thinking we’d end up wherever we are now.
Shel:
What were you thinking?
Ava:
I don’t know. I hear Hawaii’s nice.
Shel:
What?
Ava:
Sorry. I can’t see anything through this fog so let’s walk in this general direction and I’ll tell you a story.
Shel:
Okay.
They walk through the field.
Ava:
So. A while back I made a friend. This friend is unlike you or me. In fact this friend is probably unlike anything in this universe. It was, I’m guessing, a 4th dimensional being.
Shel:
What does that mean?
Ava:
It means. Well, it’s hard to explain. It means… here you and I are, we’re walking though this field, one step at a time, moment to moment. For this friend of mine, there is no moment to moment. All moments in time happen simultaneously.
Shel:
I don’t get it.
Ava:
Well, you’re not supposed to. And neither am I. We’re able to imagine that an entity like that exists but there’s no way we can know what that’s like because our brains just aren’t built that way, we’re not meant to understand it. It’s like explaining heaven to bears.
Shel:
What is heaven and what’s a bear?
Ava:
Never mind. It’s something far more powerful and far more advanced than you or I.
Shel:
So what does it want with us?
Ava:
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I know it’s interested in the diner, like I am. And like me it has no idea what the diner is. So we have a common problem. I’m also guessing that it needs me because I can move through time and it can’t. There are these creatures on earth called dogs. A long time ago dogs and humans like me started working together. Dogs are not very smart but they were smart enough to understand that they had that same problem as humans. “Where’s the food?” Dogs were better at finding food, humans were better at killing it. So two species, one more advanced than the other, made a deal. In this scenario, we’re the dog and it’s the human.
Shel:
It saved our asses so I’ll be whatever.
Leif:
(in the distance.) Ava?
Ava:
Leif? Come toward the sound of my voice.
Leif:
Oh there you are. Are you guys okay?
Ava:
I guess so.
Shel:
We’re dogs.
Leif:
Okay.
Ava:
Way to hang on to the tape recorder.
Leif:
Yeah just walking through a mysterious field with a tape recorder like it’s an episode of Fringe.Why did you have me grab this?
Ava:
I don‘t know. I thought it might come in handy.
Shel:
Is that Gloria? Gloria!
Gloria:
(In the distance.) Oh thank God. What the fuck is all this shit?
Ava:
Its a field, Gloria.
Gloria:
Oh, really. Thanks.
Leif:
Anybody got any ideas where we are?
Gloria:
You tell us, Leif. You’re Mr. Universe.
Leif:
All I see is fog.
Ava:
Well, we’re breathing oxygen, so there’s that.
Shel:
You’re breathing oxygen.
Ava:
Oh right. We’re breathing oxygen. Shel’s breathing carbon dioxide, so it’s earth-like. Wherever it is.
Gloria:
So is this your mysterious friend, Ava?
Ava:
I think so.
Gloria:
Beats getting captured, I guess.
Shel:
There’s no bacteria in the soil.
Ava:
There’s not?
Shel:
No. We’re in a field of tall grass and there’s no bacteria in the soil, that’s impossible. You can’t grow things in dead soil.
Leif:
Aha. Design flaw. We’re in a simulation.
Gloria:
How do you know?
Leif:
Richard Feynman. “If you want to make a simulation of nature, you’d better make it quantum mechanical.” All the big stuff’s here, grass, dirt, fog, but there’s no bacteria, no microbes.
Gloria:
So this is the matrix or something?
Leif:
No, it’s not virtual, it’s constructed.
Ava:
We’re in a hamster cage.
Gloria:
OH FUCK. Who had the radio?!
Leif:
Oh shit, I did!
Gloria:
Leif!
Shel:
Oh boy.
Leif:
Hey, I had the radio AND the tape recorder that’s not fair!
Shel:
Effie? Zebulon?
Ava:
They’ve got to be around here somewhere, right?
Shel:
Where should we look first, the tall grass or the dense fog?
Gloria:
When we get back we’re putting backpack straps on the radio!
Zebulon:
(In the flesh.) That doesn’t sound too comfortable for us.
Gloria:
… Oh my god.
Ava:
No way.
Leif:
Holy shit.
Shel:
They’re out of the box!
Effie:
Hi, y’all.
Gloria:
What is happening?
Effie:
I’m sure I don’t know.
Leif:
Look at you guys!
Ava:
So THIS is what you guys look like.
Shel:
How do those two bodies fit inside the box?
Effie:
We’re not complaining or nothing but can someone explain what the heck is goin on here?
Ava:
Not really.
Gloria:
But we’re not complaining either, come here you two.
Gloria hugs them both.
Zebulon:
Oh! Well.
Effie:
Careful, I got hair you can muss up now.
Gloria:
I’m so glad I can hug you!
Leif:
I’m getting in there too, come here you guys!
Shel:
What are they doing?
Ava:
It’s called hugging, I’m not a fan.
Leif:
I’ve wanted to do this for so long.
Shel:
Ava, what is that?
Ava:
Oh shit. Hey guys.
Gloria:
What?
Ava:
House.
Gloria:
Where? Whoa.
Leif:
Oh man. Creepy house in the fog?
Effie:
Lief, there’s nothing to be scared of in that house.
Leif:
No, there’s an old ghost in there or something.
Zebulon:
Leif, that is our house.
Leif:
Oh. Really? It’s nice.
Ava:
It made us Effie and Zebulon’s farm.
Zebulon:
Appears to be. Though we would never let the grass get this tall.
Effie:
Absolutely not.
Gloria:
What do we think? Are we supposed to go in?
Effie:
Well, our host has provided us all this. Let’s have a look inside and see if it’s also provided us with my Christmas Bandy.
Ava:
Party at the Mucklewain’s!
Door creaks open. Feet on hardwood floors.
Effie:
Looks like they even cleaned up for us.
Leif:
I can’t believe we’re walking into your house right now.
Ava:
Technically it’s not their house.
Gloria:
It’s really nice.
Zebulon:
I always said we should have people over more often.
Effie:
Here’s the living room. Y’all have a seat anywhere. Gloria, get those glasses off that tray and give everybody one.
Gloria:
Okay.
Effie:
I am going to climb up the bookcase here and see just how fixed for company we are.
The bookcase creaks as Effie puts one foot on the bottom shelf.
Effie:
Well then.
Bottle scrapes off the top of the shelf.
Effie:
Very prepared, as it turns out, who would like a Brandy?
Leif:
Guys, we’ve been put into a fishbowl by a mysterious entity, should it be cocktail hour right now.
Effie:
Hush up and hold your glass still, Leif.
Leif:
Okay.
Shel:
So, what percentage of all this was made from a tree?
Ava:
Don’t bring down the room, Shel.
Leif:
Oh hey, Zebulon, is this your set up?
Zebulon:
Why yes, it is. That’s where we broadcast from every evening. There’s the microphone there.
Leif:
This is all homemade. Who made this?
Zebulon:
I haven’t the slightest idea how it works, all that credit goes to Effie.
Leif:
Effie, this is beautiful.
Effie:
Well thank you, Leif. It’s nothing fancy but we did get by.
Leif:
Is that a copper pan as your ground plane?
Effie:
Sure is. There’s all sorts of household items wrapped up in it. Mason jars, an egg beater.
Leif:
How’d you know how to do all this?
Effie:
Well, it all started one day when I was looking at our wireless and just thought “What’s in there?” I opened up the back of it, come to find there wasn’t hardly anything in there at all. So if it’s a simple thing to listen to the radio, why couldn’t it be just as simple to talk into it?
Leif:
Where’d you get the parts from?
Effie:
The Sears Catalog, of course. There was a whole host of wonders in the Sears Catalog.
Leif:
And you just threw it together?
Effie:
It took a few trips to the library, but it wasn’t too hard to figure. For me it just made sense the way things fit together.
Leif:
Effie. You’re an engineer.
Effie:
Nonsense I am not.
Leif:
You are. “Just knowing how things fit together” that was my whole childhood. See, for you it was the Sears Catalog, for me it was Radio Shack. The stuff up front was all garbage, but you go into the back of the store, it was paradise. Transistors, soldering guns. I felt like anything was possible. I blame my parents. They wouldn’t let me have a dog so when I was eight I built a remote control car that automatically followed me everywhere I went. They hated it.
Gloria:
That’s amazing, though. Why did they hate it?
Leif:
They hated technology. They ran a food co-op in Northern California, they were back to the land people, everything looked like a nuclear bomb to them. My dad eventually came around, when I was 12 I converted his delivery van to run on vegetable oil. It always smelled like French fries but he loved sticking it to Exxon.
Effie:
Leif, I wouldn’t know how to do any of that.
Leif:
I know. It’s not about that though. It talks to you. You understand it, even when you shouldn’t.
Effie:
Well, I suppose I do understand that.
Leif:
Mind if I fire it up?
Effie:
Go right ahead.
Transmitter clicks on. A low hum and a few stray frequencies.
Leif:
Well hey there everyone out there in fake Arkansas, this is Leif here to answer all your questions about quantum drives, inertia dampeners, and the best way to responsibly store your baseball cards, give us a call.
Shel:
Let me try something, scoot over.
Leif:
Okay.
Shel:
(Doing a Zebulon impression.) And that was The Super Holy Quartette with “Jesus Really Likes Your Hairdo”. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie.
Leif:
(Doing an Effie Impression.) Hi y’all.
Shel:
Effie I was thinking just the other day about Jesus.
Leif:
As we often are, dear.
Shel:
And how Jesus gave his life so that we may be forgiven but then also came back to life three days later which may sound completely contradictory to someone who’d never heard of him before.
Effie:
Alright, that’s enough you two.
Leif:
We’re just getting started!
Effie:
You’re done.
Zebulon:
I don’t think I sound like that.
Gloria:
Sorry, Zeb I think Shel’s got you nailed.
Effie:
Leif, I was nice enough to show you my contraption and this is how you repay me?
Leif:
Shel started it.
Ava:
Hey, did anyone else get hungry when Leif said French Fries?
Gloria:
Ooh, I did. Effie, where’s your kitchen, I’ll make something.
Effie:
Oh no you will not, Gloria. You spend all your time in that kitchen, and I will not have you waiting on me in my own house.
Glass filling up.
Effie:
You will sit right here and I’m going to see what’s what in this kitchen that is not apparently our kitchen.
Gloria:
I love this restaurant.
Effie:
Ava, come help me in the kitchen.
Ava:
Um, what?
Effie:
(In the kitchen.) Come help me in the kitchen.
Ava:
But I don’t know what happens in there.
Effie:
(In the kitchen.) It ain’t complicated.
Ava:
But I don’t like helping.
Effie:
(In the kitchen.) Ava, get your over-educated butt in here.
Ava:
Okay, but I’m not dicing anything.
Zebulon:
Y’all if you don’t mind I’m going to step outside for a bit. I know this place is just a facsimile of our home but I’d like to see just how detailed it might be.
Shel:
I’ll come with you, I want to see the rest of it, too.
Zebulon:
Right this way.
Door creaks open. Zebulon and shel make their way across the property.
Shel:
Sorry about the impression, I couldn’t help myself.
Zebulon:
That’s quite alright. Where I’m from we say that imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Shel:
That sounds like something invented by the one being imitated.
Zebulon:
Perhaps, yes.
Shel:
So, what did you do here?
Zebulon:
This is a hog farm. We grew crops a bit, but most of our time was spent raising the hogs. A hog is an animal about yeah high with a funny looking nose.
Shel:
Do I want to know why you raised them?
Zebulon:
You do not.
Shel:
Okay.
Zebulon:
Shel, I want you to know that these trials and tribulations of ours may be quite distracting at times and I hope you don’t feel we’ve become indifferent to your plight. We took you from your home to save you from destruction without thinking much on how we too are quite often on the brink of destruction ourselves. I hope it hasn’t been too frightful of an experience.
Shel:
I keep thinking to myself that I should be more frightened. I definitely was on the first day. But then things kept happening and I kept discovering that I could handle it. I keep having these moments where I would think “Hey, this is terrifying and I’m somehow okay.” Didn’t know I was capable of all that.
Zebulon:
Trials do have their rewards. If nothing else, they show us who we are.
Shel:
No offense, but I still wish none of this had ever happened.
Zebulon:
Of course you do. And we would much rather have set down on your world in a happy and healthy state. We cannot dwell too long on paths unrealized.
Shel:
I was thinking about The Garden of Eden?
Zebulon:
Were you now?
Shel:
Those two people were in paradise, and then something bad happened and they had to strike out into the unknown.
Zebulon:
Not unlike you.
Shel:
It seems to me that all of you are like that. Humans anyway. You seem to remember a time when everything was great, but then something bad happened. And then you spend your whole lives trying to get back to that time when everything was great even though it may be impossible to get back there. But then again, I suppose that describes me too. I’ll probably always be looking for my planet even though it’s impossible for me to get it back.
Zebulon:
I wonder at times if a longing for that impossible place is necessary for us to go on in the world. That yearning is what keeps us moving forward, gives urgency to a life. There is no man more tragic than one who has achieved all he wishes to achieve. The agony of everything completed.
The sound of four cloven feet running around in the mud.
Shel:
Well, what is that thing?
Zebulon:
That is an old friend.
Shel:
Really?
Zebulon:
I wanted to take this jaunt across the property to put our mysterious host to the test. See if it’s friend or foe. I see now it means us no harm. For this is Pansy. A friend of mine from childhood.
Shel:
Is this a hog?
Zebulon:
Yes.
Shel:
It’s really cute.
Zebulon:
It is.
Shel:
Now I really don’t want to know why you raised them. Can I get in there?
Zebulon:
Of course.
Shel:
Awesome.
Zebulon:
I would even join you but who knows if we’ve been given a change of clothes in this strange place.
Shel:
Hi… Hi there… what’s your deal, tiny thing? Do they talk? Oh Boy! Licking… licking is happening. Is this normal?
Zebulon:
It means she likes you.
Pansy running in a circle.
Shel:
It’s running around me in a circle.
Zebulon:
That also means she likes you.
Shel:
Oh hey… whatever I’m standing in is really great.
Zebulon:
Ah, yes. A pig does make for very fertile soil.
Shel:
Do you mind if I stand here for a minute? I’m not going to be able to eat dinner like you guys.
Zebulon:
Of course.
Shel:
It’s a shame I can’t live here. It seems like a nice home.
Zebulon:
It was for us, for many years.
Shel:
What’s that building over there?
Zebulon:
That is the barn. A barn is where one stores things for the winter, it keep them out of the rain and snow.
Shel:
Why is there a “T” on it?
Zebulon:
That is a cross. The barn was once our church.
Shel:
A church is where you do the God things?
Zebulon:
Yes.
Shel:
But it went back to being your barn?
Zebulon:
It did.
Shel:
Did you get a bigger church-place?
Zebulon:
No, ah…
Shel:
Is this one of those moments where I shouldn’t be talking about something?
Zebulon:
No, of course not. There was a time when people would come from all around on Sundays to hear Effie and myself do “God things”, but that time came to an end.
Shel:
Oh. I’m sorry. What happened?
Zebulon:
To explain that I would have to revisit aspects of my home that I’d rather not revisit. Suffice to say, you feel that you have lost your home and all that makes you who you are. Know that Effie and myself have lost deeply as you have, but we endure. As you shall.
Shel:
Okay. Thanks for showing me your pig.
Zebulon:
You’re quite welcome.
Sounds of the kitchen.
Effie:
Just keep stirring that.
Ava:
Is this cooking? This is easy.
Effie:
That is stirring. That plus everything I’m doing is cooking.
Ava:
I’ve decided this is cooking, I’m a chef now.
Effie:
Do you even know what your stirring?
Ava:
I’m stirring the cooking.
Effie:
How did you get to your advanced age without knowing how to cook anything?
Ava:
My WHAT.
Effie:
Describe your day to me. How are you still alive?
Ava:
You know what my day is, I’m basically around you all the time.
Effie:
I mean before when you were at that big school of yours.
Ava:
Heh. Big school is a funny way to describe a university.
Effie:
Are you drunk already?
Ava:
YOUR drunk already.
Effie:
Did you have any moments of self-sufficiency in your day or did all your food come from some sort a cafe for the learned?
Ava:
I made coffee at home.
Effie:
Did you?
Ava:
No. I went to the coffee shop.
Effie:
And then midday?
Ava:
The salad place.
Effie:
And in the evening?
Ava:
At night I had a long tradition of forgetting to have dinner and then at midnight ordering from the all night Thai place.
Effie:
That’s quite the charmed life you had there.
Ava:
I also had to do a phd defense four times in my life, which is no picnic.
Effie:
Why’d you have to do it four times?
Ava:
I did it one time for each phd. Boom.
Effie:
It’s not bragging if I have no idea what that means.
Ava:
No, it still is.
Effie:
Alright. Now at this point we put the cover on this and on that.
Ava:
Okay, then what?
Effie:
Then we get the bottle of sherry from the bottom cupboard and go out on the back porch.
Ava:
I love cooking.
Screen door opens.
Effie:
Well it looks like whoever’s throwing this party has given us a nice afternoon.
Ava:
Was the weather actually like this?
Effie:
Spring was nice until the bugs showed up. Autumn was nice until the wind showed up.
Ava:
So… what’s it like having arms and legs?
Effie:
You want to get right into it, huh?
Ava:
You want me to just ignore the fact that you are now fully formed right in front of me?
Effie:
Honestly, it feels about the same.
Ava:
How?
Effie:
Not sure. I couldn’t explain it to you. I speak to you through an old radio but that’s not how it feels to me. I seem to just fill up whatever space I’m in and it feels no different from where I was before. Though drinking some sherry on the back porch is not a bad touch.
Ava:
You know, I seem to recall you speaking quite often on the evils of alcohol.
Effie:
You have, it’s true. But then again I am not Effie Mucklewain now am I? So I imagine I’m allowed to lay the tracks of this train while I’m driving it.
Ava:
Are you… still a Christian?
Effie:
Oh yes. Absolutely. No matter how odd the life of the Mucklewains becomes… I can still feel him out there in the darkness, Ava. In all things. Right now in particular in this sherry. Another?
Ava:
Yes.
Effie:
What about yourself?
Ava:
What about me?
Effie:
You ever feel your faith shaken by the things you see?
Ava:
I don’t really have one of those.
Effie:
One of what?
Ava:
Faith.
Effie:
Sure you do. I’m sure there’s things you’ve relied upon that have abandoned you during our misadventures. I imagine there’s no courses in those schools of yours that cover anything we’ve seen today. How do you keep your head on straight?
Ava:
It’s pretty easy, honestly.
Effie:
Oh it’s easy, is it? We’re sitting here in the middle of a fake Arkansas and it’s easy?
Ava:
Yes.
Effie:
What’s your special secret?
Ava:
I don’t have a lot of friends.
Effie:
That’s no secret.
Ava:
Or I didn’t anyway. When I was young I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. When I got older I thought it was because I was smarter than everybody. But the more I studied the cosmos the more I realized it wasn’t either of those things. I was just different. I see the world differently. Different from other people. When I was getting my first phd I learned about two things: Fermions and Bosons. I learned that everything in every possible universe is only made up of those two things. Fermions: particles of matter, and Bosons: the forces that influence them. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, everything is just those two things. The world is a lot less scary when you realize that. So, you can attack me with all the galactic empires you want, all I’m going to see are two things. Fermions and Bosons. I’m looking at you right now and that’s all I’m seeing. Sorry I guess there’s not a lot of room for God in between those two things.
Effie:
On the contrary, two things that make up the world entire. That sounds like God to me.
Zebulon:
We have returned.
Effie:
Hey, y’all.
Shel:
I met a pig.
Effie:
Did you?
Zebulon:
Our mysterious host has provided us with a Pansy.
Ava:
How nice.
Effie:
Let me guess, she ran around you in a circle.
Shel:
She did.
Effie:
She’s a one trick pony, that one.
Ava:
I cooked food.
Effie:
You did not.
Zebulon:
Speaking of, it smells wonderful, dear.
Effie:
Good, let’s head on inside.
Shel:
I already ate.
Zebulon:
Been a while since the last sherry on the back porch.
Effie:
Turns out it’s not unlike riding a bicycle.
Zebulon:
It is an easy rhythm to fall back into, being here.
Effie:
I believe that creature has latched onto you just a bit, husband.
Zebulon:
Shel is a tree without roots, I imagine they’d latch onto just about anything at the moment.
Effie:
Understood. Though it’s not here those roots should be put down.
Zebulon:
I’m well aware, my dear.
Effie:
They’re not unlike Moses, that one. They’ve got a whole desert to cross.
Zebulon:
I surmise that Shel is capable of much more than we expect of them.
Effie:
So you say. Head on in then. Ava, come on now, I think the foods burning.
Ava:
But I worked so hard on it!
Effie:
One last thing though.
Ava:
Ah. I knew there was going to be an old timey talking to at some point.
Effie:
He’ll be returning to us, Ava.
Ava:
Who? Jesus? Okay, but he’s going to have questions. Question 1: why isn’t everyone Jewish?
Effie:
Caspar.
Ava:
…
Effie:
He’ll be coming back to us.
Ava:
You don’t say.
Effie:
I’m certainly one to repeat myself, but I shant with you. Do try and rustle up a posture of forgiveness if you can.
Ava:
People have to deserve forgiveness, don’t they?
Effie:
Forgiveness benefits both parties. We can’t live our lives all bound up in things, can we?
Ava:
Your request has been logged.
Effie:
And I thank you.
Inside the house.
Song:
Leif:
So there’s Urt Doors and Ted Tubes, right? Urt doors are simple and elegant. Can move a body several thousand miles, but there’s limits. To move a ship across a galaxy you really need a Ted Tube. The Urts are really great at simple elegance but they don’t like doing dirty work, that’s how you get Ted Tech.
Gloria:
I just find it hard to believe that nobody else in three galaxies has technology like they do.
Leif:
They would’ve. That’s the part that sucks. Right around the time Europeans were going through the renaissance, all these planets started to establish communication with each other. They didn’t have the tech to travel to each other but they all started this massive scientific and cultural exchange. They started working together to find a way to finally meet face to face. But before they had a chance to come up with a solution, everyone started to see a Ted ship looming in orbit, offering a quick solution at a high price. It all went downhill from there.
Gloria:
I hate them so much, Leif.
Leif:
I know, you get used to it.
Effie:
Foods ready, y’all.
Leif:
Awesome, where do we go?
Effie:
Oh no, you stay right there.
Ava:
Hello, everyone. My name is Ava and I will be your waitress.
Leif:
Shut up.
Gloria:
Somebody check the horizon for four horsemen.
Ava:
That’s right. You are going to stay seated, and I am going to bring food to you.
Leif:
There’s something so wrong about this, but I have to see it happen.
Ava:
Here you go, Leif. Enjoy. Also don’t get used to it.
Zebulon:
I think we should all commend Ava for doing something that is a very human thing that most people can do.
Ava:
No snark, Holy Man. Take this plate.
Gloria:
This looks amazing.
Ava:
Um… Gloria before we eat can I talk to you outside?
Gloria:
Oh. Uh, yeah, sure.
Ava:
It’ll just take a second.
Leif:
Come on, guys. No secrets.
Ava:
Eat your food.
Front door opens and they walk onto the front porch.
Gloria:
What’s goin on, Ava?
Ava:
Hi.
Gloria:
Hello.
Ava:
So… I uh… need a favor.
Gloria:
Really?
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
Okay.
Ava:
I uh… it’s hard to explain.
Gloria:
It’s hard to explain or you don’t want to explain it?
Ava:
This place we’re in, it’s basically a waiting room.
Gloria:
I figured.
Ava:
Which means we’re going to, y’know, eventually be called into the office.
Gloria:
Right.
Ava:
This thing that brought us here, it’s going to make contact at some point.
Gloria:
And why hasn’t it already?
Ava:
My theory is that it’s operating pretty far outside it’s comfort zone right now. I don’t think it exists chronologically. It doesn’t experience time. And it experiencing time is just as hard as us not experiencing time. So right now it’s working up the courage to cross the auditorium and ask us to dance.
Gloria:
I see.
Ava:
It should probably be me that talks to it.
Gloria:
Oh, I agree.
Ava:
And um… here’s the thing…
Gloria:
You’re scared.
Ava:
Yes. Thank you for saying it.
Gloria:
You’ve communicated with this thing before, the “Big Malevolent Thing” right?
Ava:
We communicated in vagaries. It shot me through time and showed me things. This may be direct contact.
Gloria:
Yeah, that sounds a little scary.
Ava:
See… We create tools because of our limitations. The wheel, the abacus, the computer. Our brains are limited. And they also can work against us. We think our brains are these powerful learning machines, but actually using our brain to learn something is hard and consumes a lot of energy because we have to build new pathways. What a brain actually is, is a huge collection of assumptions. When we see something new we use whatever we know at that time to define what it is. So when we see new things, their actual aspects are obscured by all of our previous assumptions. We work incredibly hard to bring a new thing into our narrowly-defined world instead of broadening the world of our minds. For centuries we thought the sun revolved around the Earth. It took hundreds of years to change peoples minds.
Gloria:
What does any of that have to do with this?
Ava:
Studying the universe, and time and space and quantum realities is inherently tragic. Because you essentially still have the brain of a caveman and you’re trying to understand things that, in the end, you just may not be built to understand. I’ve always been worried that one day I’d hit the wall. That the cosmos would finally be outside of my understanding. That I would finally find that I’m a 1989 Tandy 1400 trying to search the internet… that day might be today.
Gloria:
Ava, are you trying to tell me that you’re scared of failing?
Ava:
I don’t fail things, Gloria. Things fail me.
Gloria:
Ava, I hate to break this to you, but in the end you’re just a human being.
Ava:
Take it back.
Gloria:
I know. It’s hard to take. No one’s expecting anything of you in there.
Ava:
They may not say it…
Gloria:
Ava, are you hurting yourself?
Ava:
No.
Gloria:
Are you hurting someone else?
Ava:
No.
Gloria:
Then congratulations, you have met all the requirements. We love you, okay?
Ava:
Take it back.
Gloria:
We good?
Ava:
Yeah.
Gloria:
Okay. Now before we go back in there can we address something?
Ava:
Yes.
Gloria:
I was not at all prepared for Effie and Zebulon to be the hot ones.
Ava:
Oh my God, thank you saying it.
Gloria:
They look fantastic.
Ava:
And they look really cool. They look like an alt-country duo.
Gloria:
I was picturing the couple from American Gothic.
Ava:
That’s exactly what I’ve been picturing FOR YEARS.
Gloria:
I’ve got to up my game. Maybe I should start wearing makeup again.
Ava:
Really?
Gloria:
No, don’t be ridiculous. Come on, I’m hungry.
Front door opens.
Shel:
Wait, I don’t understand.
Leif:
I’m saying, you have a nervous system, so it’s possible.
Shel:
But what’s the point?
Leif:
Because it’s fun.
Gloria:
What are we talking about?
Effie:
Leif here is trying to give Shel some brandy.
Gloria:
Leif.
Leif:
I’m just saying, Shel has a nervous system, we have a nervous system, there’s no reason why not.
Ava:
Shel eats with their feet, dude.
Leif:
Right.
Ava:
You want to soak Shel’s feet in Brandy?
Leif:
I’m not saying I want to, I’m just saying it’s possible.
Gloria:
You’re contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Shel:
Actually I’ve done the math, turns out I’m older than all of you.
Gloria:
Seriously?
Shel:
Yeah. I live for like a thousand years.
Gloria:
Huh.
Ava:
That’s too long.
Shel:
How are you guys not depressed all the time with your super short lives?
Ava:
That’s what the Brandy’s for.
Leif:
Well, shit, give this old geezer a drink already.
Shel:
It sounds a little scary, but also I really want to try it.
Zebulon:
Dear are our friends debating the ethics of getting a tree inebriated?
Effie:
They are.
Zebulon:
That doesn’t sound right to me.
Effie:
Nor to me, Dear, but I’m afraid I must know. Shel, put your feet on this tray.
Shel:
Okay.
Cork comes out of a bottle.
Effie:
Alright, we’ll start you off slow. Just a couple of fingers on your toes.
Brandy splashes onto The tray. Everybody waits.
Shel:
What’s supposed to happen?
Ava:
You’re supposed to be funnier, especially to yourself.
Shel:
I don’t feel funnier.
Ava:
Do you feel like you’re going to split off into more gremlins?
Shel:
What?
Gloria:
Effie, this food is amazing.
Ava:
Hey, I stirred.
Gloria:
Great job both of you.
Effie:
Thank you, Gloria.
Gloria:
You have a coffee can full of bacon fat in your fridge don’t you?
Effie:
Well what else am I supposed to keep in my fridge?
Leif:
I’m surprised by the refrigerator. I didn’t think those were too common in 1925. Especially all the way out here.
Effie:
We have our ways of getting things.
Shel:
I know the Brandy isn’t working but I feel like we’re slaring something together now. Slaring. Slaring? Sharing… ooooooh, I get it now.
Leif:
Hypothesis proven.
Shel:
Ava, you’re right. I’m really funny now.
Ava:
You’re hilarious.
Shel:
Can you feel how funny I am?
Ava:
Yes.
Shel:
How did I get so funny?
Ava:
It’s a mystery, Shel.
Shel:
Wow… I feel like this is a great moment for all of us, right?
Leif:
Oh yes, it’s amazing.
Gloria:
Jesus Christ, you guys.
Shel:
Is everything fuzzy? Like there’s a fuzz on it?
Ava:
Absolutely.
Shel:
Okay… Why don’t you guys do this all the time?
Leif:
The temptation is there, trust me.
Shel:
Where does the Brandy come from, does it come from the same place as the water out of the pipes?
Zebulon:
It is actually a very interesting process-
Shel:
Zebulon, what is God?
Zebulon:
Oh my.
Gloria:
Did Shel skip straight to “intense conversation about spirituality drunk”?
Leif:
In record time.
Shel:
I really want to know, because you talk about it all the time and I’m always like whaaaaaaaaaaat?
Gloria:
I think you better just tell them, Zeb, I don’t think they’re going to let it go.
Zebulon:
I cannot.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
What?
Zebulon:
I cannot tell you, Shel, what God is.
Ava:
Plot twist.
Shel:
But God God God coming out of your mouth all the time God.
Zebulon:
Ah, yes, well… Shel there was once a man named Moses. He was Gods greatest prophet. He ascended a mountain to commune with him directly, the only prophet to ever have that privilege. Moses was desperate to know the true nature of this God that had him besiege the pharaoh with plagues, split the sea in twain and led him deep into the desert. “Oh please, show me your glory” he said. But God refused. “I will make all My goodness pass before you, but a human being may not see Me and live.” Which seems quite severe. But the point of God’s obfuscation of his nature was to show us our own imperfections. Not one of us has a claim to absolute truth. We view the world through the imperfect lenses we wear throughout our lives. Divine wisdom may reveal itself to us from time to time but in the end only God can know what God is like, for the power of our perception in the end will always have its imperfections.
Effie:
I like to switch the letters around and ask “What is a dog.” If you ask Leif he’d probably say that a dog is loyal, and loving, and a worthwhile companion.
Leif:
I would say that which is totally what I said to my parents.
Effie:
But now, if Leif were a squirrel he’d have a very different definition of what a dog is, now wouldn’t he? Both definitions are true, both are different, and both are colored by the eyes we’re looking through.
Shel:
That’s really beautiful, you two. I just don’t understand why all the people left your church place.
Ava:
What?
Effie:
Zebulon.
Zebulon:
It was said in passing.
Gloria:
Wait, what happened?
Leif:
What do you mean they left?
Effie:
It’s in the distant past now, there’s no reason to dwell on it.
Gloria:
Uh, uh-uh. No. What the hell happened, Effie?
Effie:
I suppose if I said I didn’t like talking about it, that wouldn’t do much, would it?
Leif:
No. What happened, guys?
Zebulon:
Well… a while back Effie and myself… we had a bit of a falling out with our congregation.
Effie:
Zebulon, I have no desire to tell this story but if we’re going to tell it we should tell it.
Zebulon:
They abandoned us.
Leif:
What the fuck?
Zebulon:
Effie and myself performed a marriage ceremony. A marriage ceremony that was illegal in the eyes of the State of Arkansas.
Leif:
Illegal?
Gloria:
An interracial marriage.
Zebulon:
Yes… Harold was a friend.
Effie:
To us all.
Zebulon:
To us all. Indeed. Repaired tractors. Had a real way with it. As if communing with a wounded animal.
Effie:
The whole community depended on Harold.
Zebulon:
They did. Come harvest time a call to Harold was just as desperate as a call to the doctor. A pillar, you’d call him. A pillar of the community. And no one depended on Harold more than the Tucker farm. For there was no man whose tractor was more chronically infirmed than Jim Tucker. And Jim Tucker had a daughter.
Effie:
Lillian. Lillian was quite a lady. She’d swatted away a couple of marriage proposals at that point and was still living at home with her mother and father. She was twenty five years old and her father was already calling her a spinster. That gives y’all a fairly clear picture of Jim Tucker.
Zebulon:
And so Lillian and Harold spent long afternoons together under that willow tree of theirs. Harold would fix the tractor, and Lillian would bring him lemonade.
Effie:
Seemed innocent enough. Then we found out later on that Lillian had, the entire time, been deliberately breaking her father’s tractor so that Harold would come again and fix it. For which she earned my undying respect.
Zebulon:
They came to us one Saturday morning while her father was in the city, and told us their intentions.
Effie:
We were concerned.
Zebulon:
Very concerned. With the miscegenation laws Harold could’ve found himself in jail.
Effie:
We never told them to stop despite our fears for their safety.
Zebulon:
Instead, Effie had constructed a plan.
Effie:
I found them a safe place. They’d be allowed to cohabitate in Iowa without the law getting involved. Also Iowa ain’t nothing but tractors so Harold could get all sorts of work there. But to two folks who’d lived their whole lives in these parts, the state of Iowa may as well have been the other side of the world.
Zebulon:
I remember looking out this window right here while they discussed Effie’s proposal. They both seemed quite scared. Afraid to even let go of each other.
Effie:
They agreed that these parts were no safe haven. And at the right time they would steal away to that land of corn up north.
Zebulon:
But they would not go unless we married them in our church.
Effie:
Wouldn't be a legal marriage, just promises before God so we had no right to deny them.
Zebulon:
We did not. And so one morning Lilian snuck away while her father was in the field. We married them as the sun rose, and off they went.
Effie:
And then the next day all godforsaken hell broke loose.
Zebulon:
I’m unsure how Jim found out the news about his daughter and our involvement but it was for the best. I didn’t want to spend a lifetime bearing false witness to the man.
Effie:
It surprised me how quickly they all turned on us. Folks said they felt betrayed, that we had borne away Jim Tucker’s daughter without any thought to the rest of them. They described it like it was a kidnapping.
Zebulon:
And within a week, we went from a full church to an empty barn.
Gloria:
That’s fucking horrible.
Effie:
It was. I’ll admit for quite some time we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. I couldn’t even go in the barn for the longest time, and this is a farm, y’all, I need to go in that barn.
Zebulon:
I believe we were in the right. But that was cold comfort. Too often being in the right requires acquainting oneself with loneliness. Eventually I began the process of trying to forgive our former parishioners.
Effie:
And I began a rather unexpected process.
Zebulon:
Yes. I come in from the field one day to find this construction you see before you now, and attached to it all, a microphone.
Effie:
I sat Zebulon in front of that microphone and I said to him “speak”.
Zebulon:
And I feel as though I haven’t stopped speaking since.
Effie:
It was strange at first. We didn’t know what the heck we were doing or if anyone could hear us. Then after a time it became a blessing to talk into the darkness like that without even caring if anyone heard us.
Zebulon:
God heard us.
Effie:
That he did… but then, THEN, after months of talking our heads off into that contraption I was witness to a shocking discovery.
Zebulon:
Turns out it wasn’t just God that was listening.
Effie:
I come up on the state road one day and what do I see? A line of cars all parked along the shoulder one after the other. All of our former congregation. And what do they have in their back seat? They had pulled their wireless radios out of their own houses and were listening to Zebulon give a sermon.
Leif:
Son of a bitch.
Effie:
They had not the courage to show their faces in our church, but they had all pulled their cars up onto a bend in the state road where the reception was the best, listening intently to a man they had apparently branded a traitor.
Zebulon:
Effie was… upset.
Effie:
Oooh, I was. Hypocrisy such as that really does hit me in my sensitive places, y’all.
Gloria:
So what did you do?
Effie:
Well, God forgive me, I plotted revenge.
Ava:
Now we’re talking.
Effie:
On our next broadcast I made a little announcement. That I had opened up a PO Box in town so that they can contribute to our little church of the airwaves. “Whatever you can spare” I told them, “just send it on in”. And oh, the guilty, they did pay.
Zebulon:
I had reservations around taking their money from them.
Effie:
I did a little bit. But then again we didn’t take nothin from them. They sent it to us. And that there, Leif, is why we are the only folks in these parts with a refrigerator. I consider it a reward for our fortitude.
Leif:
I can’t believe interracial marriage was still illegal in 1925.
Gloria:
Leif, it wasn’t legal nationwide until what? 1967? 68?
Leif:
Shit, really?
Gloria:
How does non-college-educated Gloria know this and you don’t?
Leif:
Fuck, I don’t know. In my defense I’ve spent most of my life in space.
Ava:
I didn’t know it either, and I have no defense.
Effie:
1968. That’s really how long it took?
Gloria:
Yeah.
Effie:
That is disgraceful.
Zebulon:
A tragedy. As I am sure you can understand now, this return home for us has complicated emotions.
Leif:
Well I salute you guys. It must’ve been miserable to confront your own community like that.
Zebulon:
No, Leif, we cannot be commended for doing something that should be expected of any individual who has their two feet planted on the Earth.
Gloria:
How did you not hate everyone after that?
Zebulon:
The blame falls also on us, Gloria. This is our community and it’s failures are our own. There were demons here to confront that we chose not to see. We were leaders in this community and did not turn to face it’s prejudices until they had turned to face us.
Effie:
The failure was ours as much as it was anyone else’s. I was angry with them, disappointed with them but we are not blameless ourselves. Failures such as these are the failure of all of us… but I still kept that refrigerator, I tell you what.
Zebulon:
It led us both to the airwaves at least, that was a blessing. I feel it’s where we truly belonged.
Shel starts snoring.
Ava:
Is Shel snoring?
Gloria:
Shel is snoring.
Leif:
What a lightweight.
Effie:
Poor thing.
Leif:
It’s funny, y’know? We all seemed to end up at the diner because we got kicked out. Kicked out of academia, kicked out of the restaurant business, kicked out of Earth. Kicked out of your own damn church.
Zebulon:
We are all refugees. Not unlike Shel. I find that to be deliberate, don’t you? As though we’re drawn together for a purpose.
Effie and Zebulon’s radio begins buzzing loudly.
Gloria:
What is that?
Leif:
Not a normal radio sound.
Ava:
Shit. Okay.
Leif:
You think it’s trying to talk through the radio?
Ava:
Seems like it. Leif, can you press record on the tape recorder?
Leif:
Yeah. Got it.
Ava:
You guys don’t let me get beamed up by a mothership or something okay?
Gloria:
You’ll be fine, Ava.
Effie:
Just press that button there to talk, Ava.
Ava:
Okay… hello?
The Voice On The Radio:
It may be Newark Airport.
Leif:
… Did it say Newark Airport?
Ava:
Hello? Can you repeat that?
The Voice On The Radio:
A friend. Like you I found this place.
Ava:
What place? Are you talking about the diner?
The Voice On The Radio:
I don’t have identity like you do. Call me what you like.
Leif:
We’re supposed to just make up a name?
Gloria:
The fog is coming back in.
The Voice On The Radio:
Names are strange. They don’t mean anything.
Ava:
I’m confused. Why have you brought us here?
The Voice On The Radio:
I see myself finding this place. Like all of you, through chance and circumstance. I see you. Alone. The tables covered in dust. I see myself not wanting you to be alone. Somewhere else I see a man and a woman. She talks of her grandmother and grandfather. I make them for you. Put their voices in a wooden box. I thought you shouldn’t be alone.
Ava:
It’s talking about Effie and Zebulon. I don’t know if it can hear us.
Gloria:
The fog is everywhere now. I think it’s happening again, guys.
The Voice On The Radio:
You too can make people.
Ava:
It seems disconnected somehow. What’s happening?
The Voice On The Radio:
I see Ava in a field. She tells a story of dogs and humans. She is right. We need each other.
Ava:
It’s like it’s not talking to us.
A spatial anomaly begins moving toward them again.
Gloria:
Ava, you need to make something happen right now, I think we’re getting kicked out of fake Arkansas.
Ava:
Make what happen?
Gloria:
I don’t know, but look out the window.
Ava:
Fuck, what the fuck is happening?
The spatial anomaly grows louder and louder.
The Voice On The Radio:
Things need each other. You can see it in the stars. Gravity is not a mindless force, it is an intention. A prayer. Things drawn together.
Ava:
I don’t understand what you’re saying!
Gloria:
Everybody gather around Ava. I’ll get Shel.
Leif:
Does it even know we’re here?
Ava:
It brought us here!
The Voice On The Radio:
Something is wrong.
Silence.
Song:
Leif:
We’re back.
Ava:
Fuck!
Leif:
What happened?
Effie:
(In the radio.) We’re back as well.
Shel:
Hm… what? What happened?
Gloria:
Where are we?
Shel:
I had the weirdest dream.
Leif:
Looks like we’re in deep space again.
Ava:
What the fuck was the point of any of that? A ten second incoherent conversation?
Gloria:
Maybe the point was just to save us from the Teds, Ava.
Ava:
Then why talk to us at all?
Gloria:
I don’t know.
Shel:
So we’re just floating in space?
Leif:
It happens sometimes. What the fuck is that?
Door chime.
Shel:
Can he just go out there?
Gloria:
He’s fine in the parking lot. Grab the radio, we’ll be fine. Ava, come on.
Ava:
I’d like to stand here and be mad, please.
Gloria:
Thats fine. Come do it outside though.
Ava:
Fine.
Door chime.
Gloria:
Whoa.
Shel:
That’s big.
Gloria:
What is that, Leif?
Leif:
No idea. It’s huge though, 100 kilometers long, easy.
Ava:
It looks like wind chimes.
Gloria:
It does look like wind chimes.
Leif:
I’m guessing it’s not wind chimes.
Alarm sound begins coming from the radio.
Gloria:
Is that coming from the radio? Zebulon, what’s that sound?
Zebulon:
I’m afraid I don’t know, Gloria.
Shel:
There’s something coming towards us!
Leif:
Where?
Shel:
There!
Ava:
That’s a very big ship.
Leif:
Fuck.
Gloria:
What is it? Leif?
Leif:
Looks like our mysterious friend didn’t save us after all. That’s a Tednaught.
Tapping on a microphone coming from the radio.
Ted:
(In the radio.) Attention Midnight Burger. This is the Ted Empire. Prepare to be boarded and knock off all of your bullshit!
Gloria:
How is he talking through the radio?
Ted:
Oh, what’s that? Are you curious how I’m talking through the radio? Because I have an Empire at my disposal and you guys have FRY BASKETS!
Shel:
Who is that?
Leif:
That’s the bad guys.
Ted:
Hey Leif? Would you like to threaten us with a purple Nullifier again? Go ahead, Leif. Go nuts. Another option is to shove it up your ass!
Gloria:
We got dropped right in their fucking lap.
Ava:
Uh, there’s another ship over there?
Leif:
Where?… Oh shit.
Gloria:
What is THAT thing?
Leif:
It’s the Alex P Keaton.
Tapping on the mic.
Låfftrax:
(In the radio.) Hey everybody, what’s going on on this frequency, is this the party line? What are you guys wearing?
Leif:
It’s Låfftrax.
Ted:
Oh shit.
Låfftrax:
What’s up Teds? Are you guys trying to take my diner? I don’t like it when people take my stuff. I’ve got an idea, let’s shoot at each other!
Ted:
Jesus Christ, fucking fire everything!
Låfftrax:
Fire all of our shit at these dicks!
Sounds of a deep space fire fight.
Gloria:
Whoa!
Leif:
Everybody get inside!
Ava:
Theres one more ship coming in!
Leif:
What now?!
Shel:
It’s coming right at us!
Leif:
Wait… Nancy?
The Nancy Sinatra makes a loud and sloppy landing, screeching across the parking lot.
Gloria:
Uh… Leif?
Leif:
That’s my ship.
Cargo bay opens. Footsteps on the gang plank.
Even Older Leif:
You guys open?
Zebulon:
Even Older Leif?
The Ex:
Hi guys!
Everyone:
Aaaaaaah!
Caspar:
What kind of a fucking landing… Oh hey. Hi guys.
Gloria:
…Caspar.
Caspar:
So… what’d I miss?
The end.