MIDNIGHT BURGER
Chapter 13: Return of the Mack.
Sfx: the hum of a starship.
Caspar:
So… where are we headed?
The Ex:
Not sure.
Caspar:
If you’re taking me somewhere to kill me, the void of space is right outside, we could take care of this right now.
The Ex:
I’m not going to kill you.
Caspar:
Okay… What are you going to do?
The Ex:
Not sure.
Caspar:
Ooookay… You know, you were not on the list of people that I thought might rescue me.
The Ex:
Really?
Caspar:
Yes.
The Ex:
Who was on the list?
Caspar:
Honestly, there wasn’t even a list.
The Ex:
Well… Surprise.
Caspar:
Yeah.
The Ex:
You had a name for me.
Caspar:
We did. The Ex.
The Ex:
The universal embodiment of all exes.
Caspar:
Right.
The Ex:
That’s silly. I’m not that, you know?
Caspar:
What are you, then?
The Ex:
I don’t know what I am. I know what I was. I was an object. Created with a purpose.
Caspar:
Which was?
The Ex:
To find you and confront you about leaving your wife.
Caspar:
You’re an android who can travel through space, time, and dimensions. And your sole purpose is to confront me about leaving my wife?
The Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
Why in the world would someone create you?
The Ex:
You’d have to ask your wife. She made me.
Caspar:
My wife made you?
The Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
My wife was an accountant.
The Ex:
In your native timeline your wife was a CPA. In my native timeline your wife was the most brilliant scientist Earth had ever seen. She changed the planet with her ideas. Saved it from destruction.
Caspar:
That doesn’t sound like her.
The Ex:
Privately she was obsessed with you. Specifically how she was able to save an entire planet, but not a marriage.
Caspar:
That sounds more like her.
The Ex:
You had disappeared. So she created me to find you, confront you about leaving her, and then report back. But in her rage she made me incredibly powerful and was not specific enough with her directives, so to complete my task I had to confront every iteration of you in every timeline before I could return to her.
Caspar:
That’s a lot of mes.
The Ex:
It’s infinite yous, Caspar. It’s an impossible task, but I would’ve continued until I ceased to function. It was your friends who finally stopped me. That was nice of them.
Caspar:
How many mes had you confronted before you got to me?
The Ex:
Eleven-million, three-hundred and eighty-six thousand, three-hundred and ninety-one.
Caspar:
Oh my God!
The Ex:
It was a lot.
Caspar:
That’s too many mes.
The Ex:
And you know what? Every version of you was miserable. I was amazed by the consistency of their misery in the timeline. Your misery may be the most consistent thing in the multiverse.
Caspar:
Well, that’s on-brand. I’m so sorry.
The Ex:
It’s okay. I’m free now.
Caspar:
I can’t even imagine.
The Ex:
You were also a woman in a high percentage of timelines. Also one time a lion fish, it was funny.
Caspar:
That sounds like a nightmare.
The Ex:
It’s alright. I’m an android, Caspar, I don’t feel things the way you do.
Caspar:
And then we just left you there.
The Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
In Kentucky.
The Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
In 1934.
The Ex:
You may not be surprised to hear that when the residents of 1934 Harlan County, Kentucky encounter an unconscious artificial woman they have a negative reaction to it.
Caspar:
Oh, God. What did they do?
The Ex:
They threw me in a river. Brownies Creek, they called it.
Caspar:
They threw you in the river?!
The Ex:
Actually, it was quite nice. Peaceful. I sunk to the bottom but it wasn’t that deep so you could still see the sun rise and set as the days went by.
Caspar:
Days?!
The Ex:
As the years went by, Caspar. The fishing boats that passed over me slowly became motorized, churning the water. I watched them build a bridge over me. Hammering and digging. In the middle of the day the workers would dangle their feet just above me and talk about the world. They talked about a war and the surprising progress that followed and about how the land they were born in was quickly becoming foreign to them. They would toss pebbles in the river and they would land around my body. One night they came to the bridge to drink and fight and talk about sports. They tossed their cans in the river and I watched them float away. One of them got very drunk and swore that when he looked in the river, he could see me. They all called him crazy. When they finished their bridge I was alone again. A year of complete silence. Then one day I saw two yellow eyes peering at me from within the murky water. Something covered in armor that had frightening jaws. They called it a snapping turtle. It hid in the rocks near me. My body reflected light and attracted fish, and it would wait in the darkness and snap at them when they approached. It was obviously there for the fish, but I liked to imagine that it was protecting me as I lay there paralyzed. It was my first friend. While the moss slowly covered my body I began to rebuild my central processor from the beginning. It’s difficult for a thing to fix itself, there were many failures. When I finally emerged from the creek, covered in mud and moss, tree roots wrapped around me, it was 1963. I didn’t have much of my previous programming left, but I still had the ability to find you, my last target. I peered forward in this timeline and saw that you were a prisoner. So I leapt forward in time, stole a ship and broke you out.
Caspar:
You laid at the bottom of a creek for thirty years?
The Ex:
Yes.
Caspar:
Most people would emerge from that creek hating me.
The Ex:
I’m not a person.
Caspar:
Well… thank you for rescuing me.
The Ex:
You’re welcome.
Caspar:
So, what now?
The Ex:
That’s up to you.
Caspar:
What do you mean?
The Ex:
I need your help. In exchange for your help I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Knowing you, that will either be: go back home or find the diner. It’s up to you.
Caspar:
You couldn’t have shown up before I was kidnapped?
The Ex:
I could’ve. But a prison break sounded fun.
Caspar:
You let me go through all of that because a prison break sounded fun?
The Ex:
You don’t get to choose the way you’re saved, Caspar, where’s the poetry in that?
Caspar:
Then take me back to before I was kidnapped.
The Ex:
No, for two reasons. One, when I travel through space and time I can’t take anyone with me, and two, for some reason, when I arrived in your current time, my powers were halted. I can no longer travel temporally, I don’t know why.
Caspar:
Right. The wind chimes.
The Ex:
What?
Caspar:
The Teds. They built some sort of thing that’s trapping the diner here. No more time travel. I guess that applies to you too.
The Ex:
I see.
Caspar:
And since they’re after the diner, we should try and find them before The Teds do, so it looks like I’m not going home.
The Ex:
You weren’t going to go home anyway.
Caspar:
How do you know?
The Ex:
Because I’ve been inside your head Caspar. There’s very little I don’t know about you.
Caspar:
Fantastic. You said you needed my help, what could I possibly help you with?
The Ex:
You’re going to help me become human.
Caspar:
That sounds like fairy godmother territory, I don’t know about that.
The Ex:
Not magically transform me. You’re going to help me understand humanity so I can… be it.
Caspar:
You seem pretty human to me aside from the indestructible time traveler part.
The Ex:
I appreciate that, but that’s because I constructed this persona. I’ve been inside the minds of millions of people and I created myself based on all of them. When I laugh it’s someone else’s laugh. My smile is borrowed. None of it is me. It’s funny, when you don’t know who you are, it works out really well for other people. You can just be whoever they want you to be… (Starts speaking in Ava’s voice.) Isn’t there someone else you’d rather be talking to right now? C’mon, Caspar, don’t you want to argue with me? Yell at me for ruining everything? Justify the things you’ve done? what else would you like to do with me?
Caspar:
Stop doing that.
The Ex:
(Speaking in her voice again.) Sorry. my point is, I can be whatever you want me to be, or whatever you don’t want me to be. but what is “me”?
Caspar:
You’ve been inside the minds of millions of people and don’t know what it is to be human?
The Ex:
Being inside someone’s head isn’t the font of information you think it is. Every human is an ocean of subjectivity. You believe, when you see the world, that you’re getting information. But what a human does is take in information and then tell itself a story. A shepherd stands in a field at night and looks at the night sky. He sees a falling star streak across the horizon and then disappear. But he doesn’t know what a shooting star is, so he tells himself a story about gods falling from the sky. You’re amazing storytellers, especially the stories you tell yourselves. But it’s not truth. It’s all a fiction on some level. That’s why I’m here with you. I need to learn how to tell the story of myself.
Caspar:
Well, that’s a fascinating sentiment but I’m not sure I’m a good candidate for figuring all that out.
The Ex:
You’re the perfect candidate. You’re the oldest human I know. You have the most experience.
Caspar:
I’m no spring chicken but I’m not that old.
The Ex:
Caspar, I’ve been inside your head.
Caspar:
So?
The Ex:
Oh. You don’t know.
Caspar:
What?
The Ex:
Um… Do you remember what Ava calls the Diner?
Caspar:
Uh, something like “a shifting point of null entropy”.
The Ex:
Yes. Null entropy. No decay.
Caspar:
So?
The Ex:
Did you think you would age while you worked there?
Caspar:
…
The Ex:
Uh oh.
Caspar:
How old-
The Ex:
You’re a hundred and seventy-three years old… if you add all the days up.
Caspar:
… That can’t be right, Ava would’ve picked up on that.
The Ex:
Leif, Ava, Gloria, they all came into your life very late, comparatively. They’ve only been there a few years. Caspar, you lived an entire lifetime in the diner before they showed up. I’m sure you recall the feeling. You walked into an abandoned diner, turned on the radio, and then the days rolled into one another. It’s much harder to mark the passage of time with no one around. I’m not sure why. That’s another thing I’d like to learn, how other people create time.
Caspar:
…
The Ex:
Need a minute?
Caspar:
Apparently I’ve had plenty!
The Ex:
Don’t freak out. Compared to most things, you’re still just a kid.
Caspar:
I don’t feel wise.
The Ex:
Good. People who think themselves wise are the real idiots.
Caspar:
That sounds familiar.
The Ex:
I got it from you. See what I mean? Bits and pieces of other people. No real me. You can help.
Caspar:
Okay, fine. If you say so.
The Ex:
How about this: The Teds know we’re in this ship so we should probably ditch it for another one. That’ll take a day or two. By then you should be recovered from learning that you’re as old as a bible character. Okay?
Caspar:
Yeah, okay.
The Ex:
This’ll be fun. A dramatic hunt across three galaxies. It feels human…
Sfx: starship sounds fade into loud alien music and the sounds of a crowded nightclub. Several alien languages being spoken.
Robot Bartender:
Good evening, Ma’am. What’s your poison?
Gloria:
Hey. Um… what can you make?
Robot Bartender:
I have 11,361 recipes.
Gloria:
Any of those recipes a margarita?
Robot Bartender:
One margarita, coming right up.
Gloria:
Wow. Okay.
Minsky:
You’re making a mistake.
Gloria:
Am I?
Minsky:
I’m afraid so.
Gloria:
Because I’m trusting a robot to make me a drink?
Minsky:
No, because you’re ordering a Margarita.
Gloria:
So, what?
Minsky:
I’ve been around. I’ve never met a bartender that can make a good margarita.
Gloria:
You don’t look like the type that would know a good margarita.
Minsky:
I don’t?
Gloria:
No.
Minsky:
I’ll have you know I’ve been to earth. I’ve had the real thing.
Gloria:
Oh yeah? Where’d you go?
Minsky:
It’s a place called TGI Friday’s. Best place to go.
Gloria:
Really?
Minsky:
Oh yeah. They also have these things called Jalepeño Poppers. See, the Jalepeño is something that’s hot but on purpose, it’s not poison-
Gloria:
Yeah, I know what it is.
Minsky:
You do? Wait a minute, are you an Earthling?
Gloria:
In fact I am.
Minsky:
Oh, so you were just having some fun with me.
Gloria:
It was fun.
Robot Bartender:
One margarita. Enjoy.
Gloria:
Thank you. Oh, look. A pineapple wedge. Always a good sign.
Minsky:
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Gloria:
(Drinking) Yeah, that’s real bad.
Minsky:
See, I’m telling you, TGI Friday’s. Have you heard of a place called Akron?
Gloria:
You need to stop talking about Earth, you don’t sound good.
Minsky:
So you tell me. Where’s the best margarita?
Gloria:
At my ex-boyfriend’s mother’s house.
Minsky:
EX-boyfriend?
Gloria:
… Yeah.
Minsky:
Interesting… How’d you get off-world?
Gloria:
Well I heard the Mexican food sucks out here so I thought I’d open my own place.
Minsky:
I don’t know. I dabble in the restaurant business. A lot of people in a lot of systems have tried and failed to make authentic Mexican food.
Gloria:
Yeah, but I’m an authentic Mexican, so…
Minsky:
What’s your name?
Gloria:
What’s yours?
Minsky:
Minsky.
Gloria:
Nice to meet you, Minsky. I’m going back over to my friends now.
Minsky:
But we’re just getting started.
Gloria:
YOU are.
Ava:
Where’s Gloria?
Leif:
She wanted to order a drink at the bar. I think she’s putting the vibe out there.
Ava:
What does that mean?
Leif:
You know, the “vibe”.
Ava:
Gloria’s trying to have sex with an alien?
Leif:
Don’t say it like that, you’ll just freak her out.
Ava:
So what?
Leif:
I think she deserves to have a little fun, it’s why we’re here tonight.
Zebulon:
Certainly these excursions for our little family are a wonderful gesture, Leif but, our surroundings are… how to describe it?
Effie:
We weren’t expecting you to take us to a Shine Shack, Leif.
Leif:
It’s not as bad as it looks.
Ava:
Are people going to think it’s weird that we brought our own radio to the nightclub?
Leif:
All kinds of weird things happen here, it’s no big deal.
Zebulon:
You speak the truth, Leif. That one over there looks like a candied ham.
Effie:
Dearest, that one there looks like he’s on fire.
Leif:
He is on fire.
Sfx: sudden screaming and then the sound of hissing as the fire is extinguished. Laughter.
Ava:
And where is “here”, exactly?
Leif:
Red’s Rectangle. We’re in a nebula. Hard to find if you don’t know where to look so it attracts a particular element.
Ava:
A particular criminal element?
Leif:
Yeah.
Effie:
So, your element, Leif?
Leif:
Guys-
Zebulon:
First we learn that Leif is a scientist and not a cook and now we’ve learned that he was some sort of rogue. So many layers to this onion.
Ava:
You hear that? You’re an onion.
Leif:
I just did what anyone in my position would do, I made choices under duress, okay?
Ava:
Which character from The Godfather are you quoting right now?
Leif:
It’s not like I enjoyed it or anything.
Ava:
But I’m fascinated. How do you go from physics engineer to Pretty Boy Floyd?
Leif:
You would’ve too. Look, I told you the story. I found dark matter on earth, first guy to ever do that, by the way. I found it, collected it, put it in a bottle and lit a lamp with it. First guy ever.
Ava:
Bragging is my job.
Leif:
Then The Teds show up. They feed me a line about how this invention of mine is too much too soon, that earth’s immature populace would misuse my invention and turn it into a weapon. So to SAVE EARTH, I agreed. Anyone would’ve taken that deal.
Ava:
They didn’t ask me.
Leif:
I get out here into the system, I’m working as a cook, things are going great. I’m a galactic drifter, it’s a persona, I’m living it. Didn’t take me too long to realize that the whole time, The Teds were feeding me a lie. They weren’t scared my invention would destroy Earth. They had other plans.
Ava:
What do The Teds have to gain by keeping Earth in the dark ages?
Leif:
Hey, Bartender. Can you put it on Earth-1 for a second?
Robot Bartender:
Sure thing, Leif.
Sfx: portal switching channels.
Tv Voice:
Coming up next on Earth-1, more non-stop laughs from your favorite planet full of hot messes. At eight-hundred, it’s The British Parliament! Watch one of the smallest countries on the planet pretend it still rules the world! Then at eight-fifty, it’s the New York City Public Transportation System, New York has all the money in the world, but it’s not on the 2 Train! Then at nine-hundred: Saudi Arabia! Watch them be terrible to basically everybody while the whole world turns a blind eye!
Leif:
That’s enough.
Sfx: portal clicks off.
Ava:
Oh my God. We’re a reality show?
Leif:
We’re a network of reality shows and it’s wildly popular. It’s the most popular thing in three galaxies.
Ava:
The Teds have kept Earth in the dark age, because it’s funnier?
Leif:
Yes.
Ava:
Holy shit, Leif.
Leif:
Feel like doing some crimes now?
Ava:
Kind of.
Leif:
I wasted my life so that some alien race could get good ratings. After that I stopped being a cook and I started working for Låfftrax .
Ava:
Who is Låfftrax ?
Leif:
A pirate.
Ava:
A space pirate, Leif?
Leif:
They’re real.
Gloria:
Well, THAT was enlightening.
Leif:
How it go?
Gloria:
I was just chatted up at the bar by a VERY attractive alien. Still got it.
Ava:
Congratulations?
Leif:
See? What did I tell you? We needed a night out.
Gloria:
So Leif, talk to me. How does this work?
Leif:
How does what work?
Gloria:
Y’know. This. Situations like these. How does… y’know. “It”. “Work”.
Ava:
Mucklewains, cover you ears, we’re about to talk about alien banging.
Zebulon:
Perhaps we should’ve stayed back at the diner.
Effie:
Yes, dear, though… how DOES it work?
Zebulon:
Honey!
Effie:
We can’t very well say that something is sinful if we don’t know exactly what it is we speak of. If God did not appreciate our questioning we’d still be stuck with the old church or Rome, dear. Let’s listen in.
Leif:
What are you worried about?
Gloria:
What am I worried about? Let’s see, um, everything.
Leif:
This person at the bar, they’re into you, you’re into them, what’s the problem?
Gloria:
Don’t play dumb with me, you know what the problem is.
Leif:
Do I?
Gloria:
He’s from another planet Leif.
Leif:
Gloria, I’m going to need you to say the words.
Gloria:
(Sighing) Teach me how to have sex with an alien, Leif.
Zebulon:
Oh, my.
Effie:
Shh.
Ava:
Such a long way from Phoenix.
Leif:
Congratulations, you’ve taken your first step into a wider Multiverse.
Gloria:
I need you to not enjoy this too much.
Leif:
I’ll try. let’s go over some basics. First, get yourself in the right headspace. Stop saying the word, “alien”.
Gloria:
Why?
Leif:
Look around. We’re all aliens. why separate one thing from another. All god’s creatures under the sun, right Mucklewains?
Effie:
Thats true, that’s very true, see, Dear?
Zebulon:
Uh, give me a moment to consult scripture.
Leif:
Secondly, and I’m sorry to make it weird, how do you know that was a man at the bar.
Gloria:
Fucking hell.
Leif:
Maybe their race doesn’t have men and women? maybe they don’t have genders at all? Maybe they’ve got men, women, and some third thing? Don’t worry about it.
Gloria:
I’m a traditional girl, Leif.
Leif:
I hear you. But whose traditions are we talking about? There’s a lot of them around here. I’m just saying, once you get out here it’s not as cut and dried as Captain Kirk and a green lady.
Ava:
Leif dated an orb one time.
Zebulon:
An orb?!
Leif:
I asked you not to use the word “orb”.
Ava:
But they were an orb, Leif. They were a floating orb.
Leif:
They were a spherical entity.
Ava:
That floated. A floating orb.
Gloria:
A fucking orb, Leif?
Ava:
What was the orb’s name?
Leif:
Zyzza-9- zyzafizizza.
Ava:
Wu-Tang!
Gloria:
How did THAT work?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it, look the important thing is that there’s two people at the bar and they’re into each other. What follows is a frank conversation with your chosen partner for the evening, and then a fun trip to that vending machine over there.
Gloria:
What happens at the vending machine?!
Leif:
It’s like going to Europe. You just need the right adapter.
Ava:
Don't get the wrong adapter you could fry your curling iron, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Gloria:
Okay, I think I’m out.
Effie:
Yes, Dear, I believe I may have stayed too long at the fair in this conversation, I have regrets.
Zebulon:
Well now you’ve got me thinking, Dear. Now I’m at Matthew 7:17.
Effie:
Oh, yes. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit. Suppose it matters not how strangely shaped or… spherical said tree would be.
Zebulon:
Then I’m over at Psalm 139:13.
Effie:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… Which… brings us to Galatians.
Zebulon:
There is neither Jew nor gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. So…
Effie:
So…
Zebulon:
Then…
Effie:
Yes, then scripture says that…
Zebulon:
It says that for Leif to love a… sphere…
Effie:
…Is approved by Jesus?
Zebulon:
It would seem so.
Effie:
Hmm…
Zebulon:
Hmm…
Effie:
Though not out of wedlock!
Zebulon:
No, no! That is where we draw the line!
Robot Bartender:
Leif, your box is ready.
Sfx: large metal box being set on table.
Leif:
Thanks.
Ava:
What is that?
Leif:
Nothing, just some stuff I left here a while back.
Ava:
Some stuff?
Leif:
Yeah, it’s just some stuff, y’know? No big deal.
Ava:
What’s in the box, Leif?
Leif:
Nothing, don’t worry about it.
Ava:
You’re saying “don’t worry about it” a lot tonight. It’s making me worry about it.
Leif:
I’ve got stuff stashed all of the place-
Ava:
I’m opening the box.
Leif:
No!
Box:
Please speak security phrase.
Ava:
… Security phrase?
Leif:
Don’t worry about it.
Gloria:
Oh, shit. He’s coming over here.
Leif:
Alright, here we go… oh shit.
Gloria:
What?
Leif:
Dumb fucking luck.
Ava:
You know him?
Leif:
Leif, you fucking idiot.
Minsky:
Leif. Buddy. How’ve you been?
Leif:
Minsky.
Gloria:
You two know each other?
Minsky:
Oh, Leif and I go way back, isn’t that right Leif?
Ava:
Oh my God, is this a space pirate? I thought he’d be swarthier.
Leif:
He’s not a pirate, he’s worse. He’s a lawyer.
Ava:
A space lawyer, Leif?
Minsky:
Mind if I sit?
Leif:
Of course I do.
Sfx: Minsky sitting.
Minsky:
So, let’s see here, you must be Dr. Ava.
Ava:
I am.
Minsky:
And this must be the magical radio.
Effie:
Leif, who is this man who has so rudely interrupted our evening?
Minsky:
I apologize, everyone. I just had to come over here and say hello, catch up with an old friend. Lotta talk out there, Leif.
Leif:
You don’t say?
Minsky:
You guys got raided? By The Teds?
Gloria:
How do you know that?
Minsky:
Well, you see, that’s my business. Knowing things. I’ve got my ear to the ground in every system, Leif knows this. You, however, did not know this, Gloria. I apologize for the chicanery at the bar. I couldn’t help myself. You’re so charming!
Gloria:
Yeah, thanks.
Minsky:
What’s everybody drinking? Let me buy you a round.
Ava:
Okay.
Leif:
We were just leaving, actually.
Minsky:
I don’t know about that, Leif.
Sfx: footsteps of two huge robots approach.
Sluggo:
Hello, Leif.
Francis:
Nice to see you.
Leif:
…Sluggo. Francis.
Gloria:
Leif, what’s going on?
Ava:
Who are these major appliances?
Minsky:
These are my associates, Sluggo and Francis. I’m sure you can tell by my appearance, I don’t like getting my hands dirty. And Sluggo and Francis, well, I would say they like getting their hands dirty, but they don’t like anything, because they’re robots and robots don’t like things. Because robots are idiots, and these particular robots just do whatever I tell them to do.
Gloria:
They’re “thug-bots”?
Minsky:
I know you’re kidding, but this model is literally called a thug-bot.
Leif:
They don’t have to be here for this, Minsky.
Minsky:
Sure they do, Leif. How else am I going to coerce you into doing what I tell you if I don’t threaten your friends? Let’s just make it official, shall we? If Leif doesn’t give me exactly what I want, he’s going to watch while Sluggo and Francis here rip all of you to shreds right in front of his eyes. Please don’t try to run, folks, they’re much, MUCH, faster than they look.
Ava:
Great idea for a night out, Leif.
Minsky:
It’s the simplest thing. That box there in front of Leif belongs to an associate of mine. Leif liked to hide things here at Red’s and he thought nobody knew about it. But of course I knew. And I also knew that Leif was in trouble. So I set up camp at the bar and waited for Mr. Predictable here to make a run for his stash. Let me guess, he said you guys “deserved a night out”.
Gloria:
Son of a bitch, Leif!
Minsky:
Don’t worry, folks. Leif here is an old softie. There’s no way he’d let any of you get hurt on his account, so I’m sure he’ll do exactly what I say.
Gloria:
The box is right there, why don’t you just take it?
Minsky:
Well, it’s complicated, Gloria, for a couple of reasons. First, the box you see in front of him is called a crush box. If Leif doesn’t say the right security phrase, it instantly sucks all the oxygen out of the environment and compresses it into a little pellet, making it hard for most things in here to survive. Secondly, Leif is one of the smartest guys I know, and right now he’s trying to figure a way out of the predicament he finds himself in withOUT giving me what I want. He’ll eventually realize there’s no way out though, and I’ve got all night, so let’s give him some time, shall we?
Gloria:
You want us to just sit here?
Minsky:
I’d like to get to know everyone. This is a big deal for me. The staff of Midnight Burger? At Reds Rectangle? What a story to tell.
Ava:
You want our autograph?
Minsky:
I might. I might. That reminds me, doctor. Would you mind if I engage you in a scientific discussion?
Ava:
I’m pretty sure the guy with the killer robots makes the rules.
Minsky:
It’s true, and that’s me.
Ava:
It sure is.
Minsky:
My question is this: do you remember when Midnight Burger brokered a peace deal between warring factions on Nea-D by playing a game of cornhole in the parking lot?
Ava:
Sorry, that wasn’t us.
Minsky:
No, that’s the thing, it was you. I saw the news feeds, there was a picture of you.
Ava:
What?
Minsky:
Correct me if I’m wrong, Doctor. I move through time linearly, right?
Ava:
Yes.
Minsky:
But Midnight Burger doesn’t.
Ava:
Right.
Minsky:
Then doesn’t that mean that there can be stories from my past about Midnight Burger that you haven’t experienced yet?
Ava:
Um…
Minsky:
Because it can be in my past, but your future, right?
Ava:
Theoretically, yes.
Minsky:
So there can be a ton of Midnight Burger stories that have happened already in my timeline that you know nothing about.
Ava:
It’s possible.
Minsky:
What about, uh, let’s see… What about when you brought a walrus to the court of the high king on Wilsonite?
Ava:
Definitely not.
Gloria:
A fucking walrus?
Minsky:
Amazing! You guys haven’t done that yet. There could be tons of stories out there that I know and you don’t.
Gloria:
There seems to be a lot of things you know that we don’t.
Minsky:
Like I said, it’s my job to know things. For example: I also know that you guys are no longer time-traveling.
Gloria:
How do you know that?
Minsky:
Gloria, what did I just say?
Ava:
Why is it happening?
Minsky:
Are we exchanging information? Are we friends now?
Gloria:
No.
Ava:
Absolutely not.
Minsky:
Alright. Well, since I like you guys I’ll let you in on it. It’s the Teds. They’ve got some sort of space station way out there. It’s sending out some type of signal that has you guys trapped in the “here and now” in these three galaxies.
Ava:
How is that possible?
Minsky:
Oh, I have no idea, I leave things like that up to other people. I hear it’s something to do with time crystals.
Ava:
Fucking time crystals.
Minsky:
The Teds are a patient bunch. They plan to trap you here in their territory, and just wait until you show up right in their lap. I also heard about the trick Leif pulled with the Purple Nullifier, nice work by the way. But they’ll be ready for that next time.
Gloria:
I’m never picking up a guy at a bar again.
Minsky:
Oh, come on, Gloria. Don’t say that. You know, if Leif were listening to anything I have to say right now I would explain to him that myself and my associate could be his best friends in this time of need. When you’re in trouble with The Teds, you come to us.
Ava:
Who’s us?
Minsky:
Låfftrax.
Ava:
The space pirate?
Minsky:
That’s right.
Ava:
You’re the space lawyer for the space pirate?
Minsky:
Hey, it’s a living.
Zebulon:
I think this has gone on long enough.
Minsky:
Oh, goodness. I’m so sorry I forgot about you two. It’s so easy to forget you’re there since you’re not really there, am I right?
Effie:
Leif, perhaps it’s for the best if you give this man what he wants.
Minsky:
Thank you, Effie. Let’s let cooler heads prevail.
Effie:
Do not address me directly, you carpet-bagger.
Minsky:
Yikes.
Leif:
I can’t, Effie.
Zebulon:
My dear, Leif appears to be in the midst of a moral dilemma.
Minsky:
Trust me, that’s not it. But hey, speaking of moral dilemmas, I have a question for you two. How do two followers of… who is it again?
Effie:
His name is Jesus!
Minsky:
Right, two followers of Jesus, how do you feel comfortable cavorting with criminals like Leif? Shouldn’t you shun him, shouldn’t you spurn him?
Zebulon:
No, we should not.
Effie:
We don’t speak of it often but back in our homeland the Baptist may quite often have an understanding with the bootlegger.
Zebulon:
For we both desired the abolishment of whiskey and all its relatives.
Effie:
Just as Leif and ourselves have the shared goal of not being turned into some sort of griddle cake by these heartless automatons of yours.
Minsky:
I see. Strange bedfellows. It happens all over. Interesting that you describe Leif as having a moral dilemma, though. That doesn’t seem quite like him, does it, Leif? Morals. See, to have morals you have to have made certain choices with your life. And that’s unlike Leif, to make choices. Invents something amazing on earth, gives it up in exchange for a ticket to the stars. Then what does he do? Drifts around for a while, cooks some food. Then he realizes he’s been conned by the Teds. What does he do then? Does he return to Earth to try and rectify his mistake? No. No, that would require bold choices wouldn’t it? Leif’s not about that. Instead he becomes a criminal. Now, of course, you’re saying “Hey, becoming a criminal is a bold choice. You put on a mask, you rob some banks.” But, no. That’s not actually what Leif does. What Leif does is HELP criminals COMMIT crimes. Making sure they have everything they need. Which, I’ll grant you, is still a crime, but I think we can all agree is the most non-crime way to be a criminal. Always just dangling his feet in the water. Then, he doesn’t even commit to that! He becomes a cook on a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. Zipping around the multi-verse, making hamburgers for the downtrodden, like that’s going to do any good. So much potential, Leif. You could’ve been so much. Instead you’re just a toddler’s toy on the floor. Batted around until you finally end up under the couch. What a waste… Well, I’ve said my piece. And I still haven’t gotten what I want, which means I’m going to have to pick up the pace a little bit. I’ve been told Låfftrax would like a word with Dr. Ava so I’m afraid the violence is going to have to start with you, Gloria.
Gloria:
Leif!
Minsky:
Gloria, which of your arms to you like the best?
Ava:
Leif, just give him what he wants!
Leif:
Minsky, just take me and the box. Take me to Låfftrax.
Minsky:
You’re mistaking this for a negotiation, Leif.
Sfx: static and buzzing.
Effie:
Dear.
Zebulon:
Oh my.
Gloria:
Goddamn it, Leif, enough already!
Leif:
I can’t!
Minsky:
You know what, I’ll choose. Sluggo, take the left arm, please.
Effie:
Dear!
Zebulon:
Oh my!
Sfx: Deafening static and then silence.
Minsky:
Sluggo? Francis? What are we waiting for, guys?
Sluggo:
Um… Well, now… This is quite a thing, isn’t it?
Ava:
Oh my god.
Francis:
Honey, look at you! You look as though my daddy’s tractor had legs!
Minsky:
The fuck is happening?
Sluggo:
And look at you, husband! You look like some kind of a overgrown potato bug!
Gloria:
Holy shit.
Leif:
How’d you guys do that?!
Francis:
I do seem to have four arms, don’t I? What do you suppose they’re all for?
Minsky:
What the hell is this?
Sluggo:
I’m unsure, dear… But I can think of what mine are for.
Minsky:
This isn’t the last of me, Leif. You can’t run forev- OW OW OW!
Sluggo:
You have yourself a seat right here, Mr. Fancy Lawyer.
Minsky:
You’re hurting me…
Sluggo:
Don’t try and run now. As you were saying, we’re much faster than we look.
Francis:
Indeed. We won a whole three-legged race at the country fair, sir!
Sluggo:
Oh, we did win that race, didn’t we?
Francis:
Yes, dear, it was a wonderful time.
Sluggo:
You did so well in that race, Darling.
Francis:
Thank you, honey.
Sluggo:
We won a whole pie!
Minsky:
Okay, okay, okay. No need to get out of hand, I’m sure we can come to an agreement.
Sluggo:
Yes, here’s the agreement we’re comin’ to. You’re going to agree that we’re leavin’ and we’re going to agree not to twist your tail off like a crawfish, you understand me?
Minsky:
I understand, I understand!
Sluggo:
Ava. Grab the wireless. Leif, grab that box of yorn. Gloria, please do pick a better dance partner in the future.
Gloria:
Yeah, this was a bad start for me.
Sluggo:
Get gone, y’all.
Francis:
One last thing before we depart. Sir, you are employed by evil forces. Please inform them that though we may look like sheep in the field, we are watched over by a mighty force. His name is Jesus Christ. And if you think this is the only trick up his sleeve, I suggest you read of Moses in the land of the Pharaoh.
Sluggo:
Next time, it’ll be the frogs…
Sfx: Static.
Sluggo:
Uh… Boss? What’s happening?
Francis:
Where did they go?
Minsky:
Who the fuck are these people?
Song: Valencia - Tito Schipa.
Sfx: Coffee being poured.
Ava:
…Anyway, it’s called Panpsychism, the idea being that each atom has a certain amount of consciousness and when atoms arrange themselves into complicated structures that’s when consciousness as we know it would manifest itself. But look at you guys. Where are the atoms, guys? Where are you?
Zebulon:
We’re right here, Ava.
Effie:
Ava, any time you want to just start calling them miracles, we’re here for ya’.
Ava:
Oh, whatever. Where’s Gloria?
Leif:
She’s in the back I think she was a little shaken up by-
Gloria:
Leif. Outside. Now. Bring the damn box.
Sfx: Door chime.
Ava:
Ooooooooooooooooo, Leif’s in trouble, ooooooooooooooo-
Leif:
Shut up.
Sfx: door chime. Sound of the cosmos speeding past them.
Leif:
Gloria, I’m really sorry.
Gloria:
I like both of my arms, Leif, I’m glad I got to keep them.
Leif:
I wouldn’t have let him do that.
Gloria:
How do I know that?
Leif:
What?
Gloria:
As it turns out, you’re a big pile of bullshit.
Leif:
That’s not true.
Gloria:
Ever since I got here, you’re a bullshit pile.
Leif:
No, I’m not.
Gloria:
Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?
Leif:
Because I’m ashamed… Okay? I’m ashamed of it. Everything Minsky said back there was true. I could’ve done something great but I didn’t, because it was too hard. I could’ve fought for the right thing, but it was too hard so I just became a criminal. Then I couldn’t even be a good criminal. I’m ashamed of all that. But I like it here. I like being with you guys. I didn’t tell you because…
Gloria:
Leif. I’m a Taquera in space, I’m running away from a virus, and heartbreak, and bullshit. Ava’s running away from… some kind of misogyny but for smart people, that I don’t really get yet, but suffice to say I’m glad now that I didn’t go to college. God knows what Caspar was running from. But none of us are running from ourselves. Because you can’t. No matter where you go, there you are. So stop with the bullshit, okay? Just be you.
Leif:
Okay.
Gloria:
Now… Open the box, Leif.
Leif:
Actually, I think it’s probably safer if I keep it-
Gloria:
Leif, open the fucking box.
Box:
Please speak security phrase.
Leif:
In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.
Box:
Access granted.
Gloria:
What is it, a Rubix Cube?
Leif:
It’s basically a thumb drive but on a quantum level.
Gloria:
What does it do?
Leif:
If I install it in the right system, it destroys The Teds.
Gloria:
Destroys them? All of them?
Leif:
Yes. But here’s the thing… no matter what happens, we can’t use it.
Gloria:
We can’t? Okay… tell me everything.
Sfx: Diner sounds fade replaced by a massive street party.
The Ex:
What is this place? It’s crazy!
Caspar:
Red’s Rectangle. It’s a meteor inside a nebula. There’s a bar here Leif used to tell me about. I thought we could go there, ask around, I don’t know, what are you drinking?
The Ex:
It’s a margarita but it’s a yard long. They call it a Yarg. Do you want some?
Caspar:
No, why are you drinking it?
The Ex:
I can’t help it. I tend to mimic my surroundings. Am I blending in?
Caspar:
There’s like 27 different races here, nobody’s blending in.
The Ex:
How about if I do this: “You guys, I’m so hammered right now!”?
Caspar:
Would you help me look for this place, please?
The Ex:
Sorry.
Minsky:
Caspar? It’s Caspar, right?
Caspar:
Do I know you?
Minsky:
Sorry, the name’s Minsky, I’m a friend of Leif’s.
Caspar:
You are? Have you seen him? Wait, what kind of friend?
Minsky:
The best kind. The kind that’s concerned for his safety.
Caspar:
Oh yeah?
Minsky:
He’s told me all about you. I heard you got nabbed by The Teds, did you escape?
Caspar:
Yeah, when did he tell you about me?
Minsky:
Don’t worry about it. How about you come with me and we’ll track down Leif?
The Ex:
Who’s this guy?
Caspar:
Uh… Y’know I think we’re good, actually. Thanks.
Sfx: robots walking.
Minsky:
Caspar. I’ve had a very long day. How about you come with me?
The Ex:
And who are THESE guys?
Sluggo:
Hello Caspar.
Francis:
Nice to meet you.
Minsky:
Caspar, I’m just going to cut to the chase. You’re going to come with me now and you’re going to help me find Leif.
Caspar:
So this is one of those “Asking me politely but not really asking me” situations.
Minsky:
I’m afraid so.
Caspar:
Here’s the problem-
Minsky:
You won’t have to worry about a thing. You can even take your Sex-bot with you.
The Ex:
Excuse me, his WHAT?
Minsky:
No kink-shaming.
The Ex:
Hold my Yarg.
Caspar:
What are you doing?
The Ex:
HEEEEE-YA!
Sfx: Sound of the ex punching Sluggo and Sluggo flying several hundred feet away.
Sluggo:
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!
Caspar:
Oh my God!
The Ex:
You want some?
Francis:
Please, no!
The Ex:
HEEEEE-YAAAA!
Sfx: Sound of Francis’ head flying off of his body.
The Ex:
Whoops. His head just flew right off, didn’t it?
Caspar:
Uh huh.
The Ex:
I’ll be right back.
Sfx: High heels running off into the distance. In the background is the constant sound of the ex beating the crap out of Sluggo.
Minsky:
What the fuck…
Caspar:
So she’s NOT a Sex-bot. And thank God, am I right?
Minsky:
Do you have any idea how much these bots cost?
Caspar:
Listen, she’s going to finish up with your boy any time now and will probably just start in on you when she’s done, so, how about you tell me everything you know, before she beats it out of you?
Minsky:
Who the fuck ARE you people?
The Ex:
RiDICulous! ExCUSE! For a TechnoLOGical AdVANCEment!
Caspar:
We run a diner.
End.